How To Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Deeply

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13

The Route to Healing

As God’s children, we are designed to forgive. Since we now have a new heart, it is actually in our nature to forgive. We are forgiving people, and no other response to our offenders will ever genuinely satisfy us. This is precisely why our Father urges us to forgive others just as he forgave us (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

What do we notice about how God forgave us?

•   God initiated the forgiveness, not waiting for us to apologize for every sin.

•   God made a choice to forgive us and now relates to us in light of that choice.

•   God canceled the debt, releasing us from anything we owed him.

This is what real forgiveness looks like. It is a decision that we make to cancel the debt, regardless of whether someone even admits what they did was wrong or owns up to how they hurt us.

This may seem like a hard decision to make, but remember that we are designed by God to forgive. We will be fulfilled at the core only when we choose to release others from what they “owe” us. We might think they owe us an apology. We might feel they are indebted to us and should therefore receive retaliation from us as a form of payback. But true forgiveness is a no-strings-attached, total release from anything we think they owe us or deserve as “punishment.”

Scripture: Luke 23:34

Forgiveness Is a Choice

“Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing’” (Luke 23:34 NIV). Despite the overwhelming rejection and physical pain, Jesus made the decision to forgive.

Now, that same Jesus lives in us.

Sometimes we might hesitate to forgive someone because we don’t feel very forgiving toward them. We might still feel a great deal of anger toward them. So we examine our emotional state and decide we are not in any condition to forgive. We buy into the error that forgiveness is a feeling.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It is about choosing to cancel a debt owed to us. Yes, we might feel that someone owes us an apology, or that they should make up for what they have done to us. They owe us big time. But forgiveness is releasing them from that debt and giving up the right to be treated fairly by them. Making this choice to forgive may fly in the face of everything we are currently feeling. Our feelings may cry out against the whole idea of forgiveness. Still, we can choose. This mirrors what God did when he chose to forgive us.

We don’t have to wait for our feelings to come on board. Instead, we can follow the divine sequence that God has given us: think, then choose, then feel. We can set our minds on the truth of what needs to be done. We can choose to forgive and release someone from the debt owed to us. Then, from that day forward, we can remember the choice we made. We can continue to live in agreement with the choice we made. Our emotions may or may not line up with our choice. Still, we know what we chose to do—forgive and release—and that is what matters most.

Scripture: Hebrews 12:15

One and Done

Because forgiveness is a choice, it is something that we do and then it’s done. It is not an ongoing, progressive act. Some people hesitate to forgive someone, saying something like, “I’m working on it” or “It may take me a while to completely forgive them.” This implies that forgiveness takes time.

It doesn’t. While feelings take time to change, forgiveness is only a choice away. Once we decide that we are willing to choose forgiveness, we can complete the act of forgiving immediately.

Have you been waiting to forgive someone until you feel more ready? Are you willing to consider the idea that forgiveness is a choice you can make here and now? In the next reading, you’ll be invited to make the choice to forgive those who have hurt you.

You may be thinking, “But I can’t just let them off the hook! They deserve consequences, including my anger at them!” We tend to think that forgiveness is only for the benefit of the other person, the offender.

With forgiveness, the benefit to the offender is only half of the truth. Sure, there may be some tangible benefit to someone else when we choose to forgive them, but forgiveness is many times just for our own benefit. We forgive so that we don’t have to walk around anymore with bitterness or resentment inside (Heb. 12:15). When we forgive, we get to live free of those controlling thoughts. Forgiveness is for our own benefit as much as anyone else’s. In fact, the person we forgive may no longer be living or may never even find out that we forgave them! In that case, the benefits of forgiving them are all our own.

Scripture: Ephesians 4:26

How to Forgive

How exactly do we forgive? Do we somehow push the delete button in our minds, magically erasing the anger and pain we feel? Do we pretend our feelings don’t even exist or don’t matter? If any of these were true, there would be no way that any of us could truly forgive!

Assessing the emotional damage is important. Emotions themselves are not sin (Eph. 4:26). What events occurred? How did those events make you feel? Then, once we have assessed the damage, we simply make the choice to forgive the offender, releasing them from anything they owe us. Finally, we might thank God for the privilege of forgiving them and ask him to remind us of the decision we made. So once you’ve found a quiet place where you can be alone with God, here’s what to do.

Assess the damage: It hurt me when he/ she. . . . It made me feel (embarrassed, abandoned, rejected, etc.) . . .

Choose to forgive and release the debt: But I choose, as an act of my will, because I am a forgiving person in Christ, to forgive him/ her and release him/ her from anything that he/ she owes me, even if he/ she does it again.

Remember your choice: Thank you, Lord Jesus Christ, for the opportunity to forgive (name of offender). I ask you to remind me, in the moments I need it the most, of this decision I made today. (Note: Some people prefer to place an empty chair in front of them and imagine the offender sitting in it. Then they speak directly to the offender in the empty chair, saying, “It hurt me when. . . .”)

Did you notice that the forgiveness statement says “even if he/ she does it again”? Of course, this does not mean that we want it to happen again. Neither does it mean that what the person did to us was okay. It simply means that we are fully forgiving them with an unconditional release from anything they owe us, with no strings attached. This is the only real way to move forward and experience healing from past hurts inflicted by those around us.

Scriptures: Hebrews 8:12, Hebrews 10:17

Forgiveness Is not Forgetting

Forgiveness is not forgetting. We cannot literally erase the memories in our brain. We may always have a memory of events that hurt us, but forgiveness does not mean forgetting.]

God, who says he will remember our sins no more (Heb. 8:12; 10:17), is not some forgetful old man who accidentally misplaced them. No, God simply chooses not to hold our sins against us in any way. So forgiveness means we choose not to hold an offense against someone, not that we actually forget it happened. Even when we truly forgive them, we may still have a memory of the event for a long time. That is normal, to be expected, and no indicator of whether we truly forgave them.

Regardless of what we feel or what memories may pass through our mind, we can always remember the choice we made to forgive. We can recall the day we put the stake in the ground and declared the offender to be free from anything they owe us. This is how we mirror God’s forgiveness of us. This is the only route to freedom from anger and bitterness. This is the only path to healing from our hurts.