In Love & Always Arguing

Scriptures: Numbers 14:18-19, Acts 13:39

Where Did You Learn to Argue Like That ?

The simple answer: from watching someone else or by being spoken to in that manner. Early childhood years make up the arena for learning behavior. If you’ve struggled to understand why you do some of the things you do or why you respond in the manner that you do, it might be time for a trip down memory lane. For most of us, our early life observations and interactions have strongly cultivated how we operate today.

For example, someone who is very anxious all the time and always thinks of how something can go wrong may have been raised by a parent who felt the same way and therefore was overprotective. The overprotection sent the child the message that the world is a dangerous place. They always heard “Be very careful about everything and everyone.” Someone with this experience may also have a difficult time opening up to people because of fear of being hurt. While these modes of operation may have been helpful earlier in life, they oftentimes become a hindrance to communicative growth in courting and marriage relationships. At this point, these defense mechanisms act as generational barriers to the understanding that God wants to bestow upon your relationship. Despite the reality of these generational bondages, we can hope in Numbers 14:18-19, and trust in God’s saving grace to deliver us from unhelpful, inherited patterns.

It’s important to gain a deeper understanding of both you and your partner’s manual of operation when it comes to communicating. Here are some questions that could be helpful to consider; “How did your parents deal with conflicts when you were growing up? How did they celebrate victories? How did they respond to you when you did something wrong? How did your parent speak to you when he/she was angry about something you did and how did you respond to it? What were the biggest challenges that your parents/grandparents faced in their marriage/relationship?” When we’ve identified these things about our past, we’re better able to combat the patterns we don’t want to keep. Deliverance becomes possible by the authority God offers us as shown in Acts 13:39; “Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin…”

Scriptures: Proverbs 21:28, Proverbs 18:13

Be Quiet & Listen

Take a step back, listen with your ears, not with your emotions.

Trying to express how you feel and having the person on the other end fail to listen to your words is painful. There is a huge difference between hearing and listening. I can hear noise from the neighbor next door, however, it is only when I take a second to listen, that I’ll actually understand what is taking place. When your partner speaks, don’t just tolerate their words. Saying “I hear you” is  cool but you need to listen with an open mind, like the way you’d want someone to listen to you when you’re pouring out your heart. I’ve realized that when you have a partner that actually listens when you speak, they are able help you to notice things that you never even considered – thus, adding considerable value to your life and increased insight to your perspective.

Don’t just assume that you know what your partner is trying or going to say.. LISTEN. Understand that you are both in a very vulnerable state, and as they’re speaking, they’re probably fighting so many voices telling them to hold everything in. Your partner needs to know that when they speak to you, you’re not merely hearing the sound of their voice, but that you cherish them enough to listen to their heart. Always remember that hearing is a natural ability, but listening takes conscious effort. As we read Proverbs 21:28, we see that a careful listener is successful in their testimony. In the same way, careful and intentional listening in a relationship is a first step to establishing peace and understanding in the midst of conflict. 

We’re busy people, so sometimes it’s not even that we don’t want to listen attentively but we might have been caught up in trying to multitask! When we do this, we risk missing our partner’s point and in our hurried response to quickly resolve the conflict, we can end up making matters worse because of misunderstanding. This causes us to miss out on so many things, and it actually delays our chance of growing. Let us work diligently to avoid the pitfall of Proverbs 18:13; which reminds us that it is foolish to respond without first listening. 

Scriptures: James 1:19, 1 Corinthians 13:5

Slow to Anger Wins The Race

I was speaking to a friend who said “ How can I be slow to anger if I was already angry before the argument started?” 

She was absolutely right! This proved the point that a disagreement only becomes an argument when you invite anger to have a seat at the table. Anger doesn’t come in and exit quietly, it has to leave with an explosion. It’s a hot mess, always needing to have the final word! We don’t have to give anger power over our hearts and mind. It is not a spirit that comes from God, when it causes destruction, harm and hurt, therefore it doesn’t belong in you. When there is a disagreement, team up WITH your partner against the problem. That is how we become slow to anger, by choosing to be partners with our loved one and not anger. 

In James 1:19, we are advised to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. This is much easier said than done. Being slow to anger does not mean you ignore your emotions or that you avoid the problems. Instead, listen from a place of love, so that you’ll be able to hear beyond their words. Listen with the goal in mind: To fight for this love, to make your bond stronger than it was yesterday. The goal is not to find something offensive in what your partner says or to find something to correct, but rather to get to the root of the issue and to fight against it together. When we allow our anger to speak for us, we add on brand new problems, and miss the chance to work towards solutions. The Lord in His wisdom gave us one mouth and two ears to listen twice as much as we speak. Give your mind time to process what the person is saying before opening your mouth. The purpose of communicating is not to add fire to flame, but when you do speak, it should bring clarity not confusion.

Instead of anger, we should let love lead. We are reminded in 1 Corinthians 13:5 that love “is not easily angered…”. We too, should strive to emulate this characteristic, as it will help to bring peace and understanding in the midst of conflict. 

Scriptures: Proverbs 10:19, Proverbs 16:24

What Did You Just Say?

Sometimes you have to remind your brain that you actually care for this person or else your tongue will cut them apart.

Have you ever said something during an argument that you wish you could take back? 

When we let our emotions speak for us, we end up fighting against our relationship instead of the original intent, which was to express our point of view (hopefully). It’s painful when your partner gives you a label based on a shortcoming. Criticisms and generalizations about person’s “WHOLE” identity based on mistakes they’ve made can destroy intimacy and connection. Ex: Your partner forgets something and you say, “you’re so selfish, you never think about me.” To avoid these rash and hurtful generalizations, it’s important to be specific with your complaints.

[Ella here!] I remember one time I expected David to do something for me, even though I didn’t express it. Well, he didn’t do what I hoped he would and immediately I said “You don’t think about me, all you do is think about yourself!” Now, there was plenty of evidence that would prove that statement to be a lie, but in the moment, I allowed what he didn’t do to define his character and who he is. 

What we don’t realize is that a blanket statement is actually a declaration. So when you say “You ARE selfish” “You ARE childish” “You ARE inconsiderate” those are all declarations, and I don’t think you want to speak that into existence. So watch your mouth. Express how you feel without allowing the enemy to use you as a mouthpiece to speak a negative confession over your partner. Your words mean more to your partner than you’ll ever know, so strive to speak your truth with kind words that are sweet to the soul and healthy for the body (Proverbs 16:24).

A lot of our issues stem from the lack of respect we have for God. Think about it: if you were talking to someone who is a child of your mentor or a child of someone you admire, you’d be cautious with how you speak to them because you know that they are connected to greatness. In this same way, even though you are comfortable with your partner, please remember that he or she is a child of God and highly valued by God. So even if you are upset with them, remember that if you mishandle or bruise them emotionally or physically, you are messing with God’s appointed one! 

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

And The Winner is…. US 

There shouldn’t only be one winner in an argument  You’ve fallen for the enemy’s tricks if one of you feels defeated and beaten after a disagreement. 

You can avoid a lot of damage just by changing your perspective about disagreements. 

Remember that you both have the same enemy, therefore both of you should not allow the enemy to have any access to what you are building. Don’t open the door for any of his devices, whether it’s by lashing out or putting up a wall. If your partner points out a character flaw or habit that is not conducive to what you are building, do not go into attack mode. Ask God to give you the patience and the understanding you need to hear about yourself. 

Love is not only about hearing someone tell you why they love you 24/7. You will never grow in that kind of environment. Some of us have been hiding behind our success, lack, and image for years. There are some character traits that you never knew were there and there are others which you have been ignoring for a while. This is why it is crucial that we understand the fullness of each other’s story. When I truly know my partners story, it enables me to have grace for them even in the midst of a disagreement. Grace doesn’t mean we make excuses for our partner or excuse toxic behavior. Grace allows you to put yourself in their shoes, even when you feel like the weight of your shoes is already too much.

You are a team. Imagine a football team playing against themselves, instead of their opposing team – they’ll never make it in any league playing like this! Every time you abuse your partner in anyway, you are abusing yourself and disrespecting God. You then become the barrier that stops the both of you from uprooting whatever is causing confusion between you two. Strive to strengthen your bond because there is power in the duo, as Scripture shows us in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. In this way, you and your partner will be able to say “And the Winner is US!” after disagreements, and your enemy will have to walk away defeated.