Learning to Apologize Well in Marriage

Scripture: Philippians 2:5-8

Holy Humility 

I am sad to say it, but I am a great candidate to write about learning to apologize well since it’s a process I struggled to learn in my marriage. It’s embarrassing to admit that for a long time I never apologized, but it’s true. 

For a long time, I thought that having a good reason for my actions excused me from needing to apologize. When I said things that hurt my husband, whether intentionally or not, I thought that defending myself and explaining my reasons would justify them. For example, I’d say, “Yes, I yelled, but only because you yelled at me first,” which was an attempt to wriggle out of accountability for my actions and to blame my own sin on the sins of my spouse. 

But I am called to live in obedience to the Lord, not in response to anyone else. My actions are my responsibility, regardless of his. At the same time, my apology does not excuse his sin either. In marriage, we must be committed to seeking God’s conviction for our own sin, not that of our spouse. 

When we have wronged our spouse, we need to remember that excuses don’t repair relationships. Furthermore, a posture of unrepentance is ungodly, and causes relational disconnection. Repentance turns your heart from sin and toward the Lord, and apologizing well will help you repair the inevitable conflicts and hurts you will face in marriage. 

Jesus was the only human ever to live who never needed to apologize. He was without sin and perfectly righteous. Yet he did not grasp for power or position; he did not push to get His way. He yielded and submitted to God. He followed His Father’s plans, even to the point of death. Philippians 2 humbles and compels me, reminding me that to follow Jesus, I need to be quick to lay aside my pride and admit when I am wrong. 

If He who was without sin yielded to God, we then should be quick to submit to God, knowing that as humans, we are flawed and broken. We should not be surprised when we need forgiveness from God, from our spouse, or from others. Nor should we be surprised when we have the opportunity to forgive our spouse. We know that we are flawed, but God is holy, and we are completely dependent on His grace. 

Clinging to a desire to be right, justified, and vindicated is counter to what Christ demonstrated in his earthly life. Sometimes saying “I’m sorry” will really feel like emptying yourself. It’s letting go of the pride that insists on being right, understood and vindicated. 

Next Steps:

• Do you have a practice of repentance and confession before God in prayer? 
• Are you quick to apologize to your spouse? To others? 
• Does one person tend to apologize first each time in your marriage? Are you both equally quick to apologize and forgive? 
• Repent today of any sin God convicts you of. Turn from sin and toward God.

Scriptures: 1 Peter 3:8, Ephesians 4:1-3, Genesis 2:24-25

An Apology Clears the Air 

Apologizing as soon as it’s needed helps move you toward repairing your connection. It demonstrates goodwill toward your spouse. It shows that even though you wronged your spouse, you don’t want to keep doing it. Instead, you want to rebuild the connection. 

Apologies demonstrate “unity of mind, sympathy,” and “a tender heart” and nurture the “we” over “me” oneness that makes a marriage thrive. 

An apology requires humility. Ephesians 4 speaks of living, “with all humility and gentleness…eager to maintain the unity,” which is what Paul says is “a manner worthy of the calling” of following Christ. I don’t know about you, but I think I’d find it easier to walk with some humility rather than all humility! But the humility God calls us to is the same as what Jesus modeled for us. 

Apologizing is more of an open conversation than a one-sided transaction. Admit that you don’t want to remain at odds with your spouse. Apologize for anything that God convicts you of. But also clarify with your spouse by humbly asking questions like, “what did I do that hurt you?” “what can I do to make it right?” or “what can I do differently in the future?” 

This is how you can maintain the unity in your marriage. It requires ongoing effort. To “maintain” anything requires us to put in work. But this is the way of living God calls us to: humble confession before Him, which leads to laying down our defenses and living in grace and unity together, and loving one another by repairing our relational disconnects by apologizing well. 

Next Steps:

• Referring back to 1 Peter 3:7, do any of these traits stand out as one that is hardest for you to walk in? “unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” 
• What are some ways you can work to “maintain the unity” in your marriage? 
• Talk to your spouse about what makes a real, honest apology. What do you want apologies to look like in your marriage? 

Scriptures: Proverbs 9:8-10, Psalms 139:23-24

Loving Righteousness Over Rightness 

Apologizing well means loving holiness more than we love to be heard. It means craving righteousness over rightness. This is really hard to do! That’s why it’s so important to invite God to work in our hearts on this. It’s counter to our human nature, but right in line with His. 

Calls to repentance, forgiveness, and unity are found throughout the Bible. They would not be there if this wasn’t something we’re prone to struggle with. They are there because throughout humanity, sin has caused relational ruptures, not only between ourselves and God, but also between ourselves and others. Inviting God’s conviction brings relational healing and turns us away from sin and toward Him. 

When we are in a disagreement or feeling disconnected from our spouse, it can be hard to hear their perspective without defensiveness. But welcoming our spouse’s perspective, rather than being defensive, is wisdom. One trait Proverbs identifies with wisdom is teachability. Being open to learning and looking for wisdom, rather than defending our position, means growing wiser. Next time you’re stuck in a tense moment with your spouse, check your heart. Are you defending yourself, or are you willing to admit that you might not be right? Are you teachable? Are you listening? 

Today, pray that God will increase your love of holiness and hatred of sin. Pray Psalm 139. Ask God to search your heart, know your heart, and convict you. Then follow where he leads. 

Don’t assume that you already know what your spouse will say, or that your perspective is the only right one. Look for wisdom, and ask God for it. 

Next Steps:

• What does it mean to you to love righteousness over rightness? 
• Do you believe you’re a sinner in need of grace? 
• The next time you have to apologize instead of getting defensive, remind yourself that because you are a sinner it’s normal for you to need grace from your spouse. 
• Pray and ask God to convict you of where you are being defensive and craving to be right.

Scriptures: Psalms 32:1-5, 1 John 1:9

Take Responsibility 

Knowing you need to apologize probably means one of two things: Either God has convicted you so you know you need to apologize, or your spouse has spoken up to let you know they are hurt. Even if they don’t speak up verbally, or if they speak unkindly, you can choose to move forward in obedience to Christ by taking responsibility for the pain you caused and your part in the conflict, then doing your part to make it right. 

This is where it gets real. This is the hard part. Saying “sorry,” or “my apologies” isn’t all that bad, but to say specifically how you have wronged your spouse and to ask for their forgiveness is humbling. It is uncomfortable to recall and say what you did, but this is where healing takes place. Confession frees us, as we see clearly in Psalm 32. The Psalmist relates unconfessed sin to a heavy weight that sapped his strength and made his bones “waste away.” But confession brought the freedom of God’s forgiveness. 

1 John teaches that when we confess, God faithfully forgives and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. So we have nothing to lose when we confess and apologize. 

When you apologize, be specific, and take responsibility for your action. Say “I’m sorry that I _____ .” Don’t make excuses or blame. (For example “I’m sorry I snapped, but you were really pushing my nerves.” Or “I know I was a jerk, but you were too.”) Acknowledge that you do not want to repeat the hurtful action. Ask, “What can I do to make this right?” 

An apology clears the air, but there may be lingering disconnection. If one or–more likely, both of you–feel hurt from the exchange, an apology will not make the hurt disappear. Forgiveness is the essential step that begins the reconnection process. Each of you demonstrating kindness toward the other facilitates reconnecting. 

It’s not a science, as humans our hearts are not completely predictable. But when you do what’s right on your part, acknowledging your sin before God and your spouse, you set the conflict behind you and move forward together. 

Next Steps:

• What does truly accepting responsibility for our words and actions in marriage look like? 
• In what ways have you skirted your responsibility for your sins in the past? 
• What do you want confession to look like in your marriage? 
• What do you want your spouse to do to “make it right” when they sin against you? 
• Ask your spouse, “What do you want me to do to make it right when I sin against you?” 

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12-15, Matthew 18:21-35

Keep Short Accounts 

Just as you will need to apologize in marriage, you will need to forgive. Moving forward, this will be a process you repeat over and over. As scripture states, it’s an ongoing process, not once, not seven times, but over and over, as often as needed. 

As Matthew 18 demonstrates, we can forgive and receive forgiveness freely because of the forgiveness God has given to us. The cost of His forgiveness was Jesus’s blood, and it was sufficient for your sin, now and forever, and that of anyone who sins against you. You cannot believe that His forgiveness covers your sin but does not cover an offense against you. You cannot receive His grace for yourself while denying it to another. 

There’s no greater grace than God’s grace for you and I. When we receive His grace, it causes our hearts to soften and to extend grace toward others. 

Consider how you can “put on” compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, and “bear with” one another, forgive as the Lord has forgiven you, and above all, love your spouse. Look for opportunities to practice confession and to give grace. As you do, you will build a culture where it is normal to be human. You can freely confess and freely forgive, knowing that God’s forgiveness far surpasses that which we will ever be able to extend to one another. 

As you go forward, ask God to help you, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.” 

Next Steps:

• What would a culture of forgiveness look like in a home? 
• In what ways are you refusing to forgive your spouse? 
• Is difficulty forgiving yourself causing you to hold on to the sins of your spouse?