To achieve emotional intimacy in marriage, we must be willing to risk being vulnerable. If we choose not to share the deep parts of our hearts, we may believe that we are safe but we will still be isolated and empty. Join Barry and Lori Byrne on this 5 day devotional to learn more about the topic of emotional Intimacy with God’s love to bring healing to your marriage.
Nothing Hidden Ministries
Day 1
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:6-7
Celebrate Risk
Life with God is meant to be full of freedom! Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! God celebrates when we take a risk in order to follow Him and be true in love. In marriage, we will regularly be confronted with choices – one of the most crucial is whether or not we will choose to look at our spouse through God’s eyes and place our focus on what is good. The apostle Paul teaches about love in 1 Corinthians 13:6-7 where it says: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” When we rejoice in the truth and choose to believe God’s truth about our spouse, hope will strengthen our hearts to continue moving us deeper into His unfailing love. As we do so, we are actively demonstrating our faith and trust in God.
Remember: When you are in a time of crisis and trauma, your feelings are not your friend. Choosing to believe and hope involves risk, but it’s God’s path to the trust, love and freedom we so desperately desire.
Ponder & Pray: Lord, please show me things that I have held back from asking, speaking or listening to that are necessary for me and my spouse to really know each other.
Activation: Write a letter from God to your spouse with how He sees them.
Day 2
Scripture: Ephesians 4:15
Healthy Intimacy and a deep, personal knowing
Here is the definition of healthy intimacy in marriage that we use:
Healthy intimacy exists in a relationship between two people who both know and are known by each other in a deep, personal way; and that deep, personal knowledge is talked about openly and is then handled with trust and respect.
So there are three main components to healthy intimacy:
- There must be a deep, personal knowing that goes in both directions.
- There must be intentional talking about that deep, personal knowledge.
- That deep, personal knowledge that is shared must be handled with trust and respect.
Being vulnerable and allowing someone full access to your heart is probably the greatest risk you will ever take. Most people will often take physical or financial risks before ever opening up their hearts. Others will even risk being sexually intimate without being emotionally intimate. The truth is, healthy intimacy should never begin with sexual contact; it must begin with knowing each other and it must continue with knowing each other.
Sometimes, you may think you understand your spouse simply because you have observed him or her for years. While it is true that you can learn a lot by observing, real intimacy requires that you talk openly. It is only by talking openly and honestly that you can really work together on issues that affect your marriage. Ephesians 4:15 says, “…speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” God has called us to speak truth to one another in love as a representation of Him. We cannot let fear get in the way of the intimacy that God desires for us.
Ponder & Pray: Lord, we pray that you will help us to have a desire and willingness to go beyond what is familiar and comfortable in the area of deep, personal communication. We pray that if one of us is stronger in the area of communicating, for example, we will be patient and supportive, using our gifting to help our spouse instead of expecting them to be just like us. We pray for courage where we feel inadequate so that we can willingly take gradual risks and increasingly open up, learning to speak the truth in love. Amen.
Activation: If you are ready to get rid of any fear when it comes to vulnerability, pray this, “ In the name of Jesus, I nail to the cross, the fear of opening up myself and risking vulnerability and I nail to the cross the lie of fear that says it will be worse if I tell the truth in love. I break any agreements with this fear that I have made in my thoughts, and any agreements I have made through my choices. In the name of Jesus, I break every agreement I have made with this fear, known or unknown to me. Father, send this fear away from me. I give you permission, Lord, to teach me to risk being vulnerable. Father, what do you want to give me to replace this fear of vulnerability?” (Take a moment to listen and write down what you hear)
*(A caution to this is if you are in a physically and emotionally destructive relationship. For this to work, both parties in the marriage must be willing to speak the truth and respond in love. Until that time, seek the Holy Spirit’s direction as to how and when you should speak.)
Day 3
Scripture: John 8:31-32
Cultivating Healthy Intimacy
A prerequisite to your intimacy is self-knowledge and taking ownership of the truth about yourself. Jesus said in John 8:31-32, “If you abide in My words, you are truly My disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The only way for us to know the truth, even about ourselves, is to listen to and be submitted to the words of Jesus and the voice of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth. It is vital that you are truthful and acknowledge your strengths and your weaknesses. If you don’t recognize and use your strengths and good qualities, you won’t have the ability to bring these qualities into your marriage. When you don’t fully face your weaknesses and faults, you typically end up projecting these negative attributes on your spouse. That means, you will see your own weaknesses in your spouse but not in yourself.
To cultivate healthy intimacy you must, 1) Be willing to take calculated risks in your communication. 2) Be sure to ask questions; then listen and observe. 3) Be willing to risk a negative response and keep working on connecting. 4) Care about how you affect the other person in the relationship. 5) Keep sexuality as a physical picture of the emotional intimacy exclusive to marriage. 6) Have the willingness to change in an intimate relationship that is motivated primarily out of love rather than fear of loss. And lastly, 7) Know that deep knowing takes time.
Ponder & Pray: Lord, are there ways that I avoid learning the wonderful art of speaking the truth in love because I protect myself/and or my spouse from the pain of conflict? (Take a moment to listen and then discuss with your spouse)
Activation: Try and think about 3 interesting facts that you think your spouse doesn’t know about you; share them with each other.
Day 4
Scripture: Mark 3:22, Luke 7:33-34, James 4:7
Confession and Repentance
In spiritual terms, there is a simple solution to the blindness that we experience when we are unwilling to acknowledge the wrong we have done – it is called confession and repentance. In the Bible, the Pharisees give us a clear example of projection. Blinded by their own self-justification and pride, they chose to reject the ministry of John the Baptist. John preached a baptism of confession and repentance for the forgiveness of sins. Because of their refusal to humble themselves, confess and repent of their sins, the Pharisees, who were the spiritual leaders of Israel, were spiritually incapable of seeing the anointing and call of God in John the Baptist and in Jesus, their awaited Messiah. When they observed Jesus casting out devils, they concluded that He was getting His power from a demon (Mark 3:22). They also believed John the Baptist had a demon. They labeled Jesus as a “gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners (Luke 7:33-34). So, who was right? Jesus and the Pharisees both believed they were right! Sadly, the Pharisees were projecting onto Jesus and John the sins they themselves had never confessed or repented of.
The enemy is relentlessly working to divide the greatest human union God created – marriage. We forfeit the intimacy and oneness that God intends for us if we allow the enemy to come in between us by accusing each other. We must learn to stand together and fight our real adversary so that he does not make our spouse our enemy. We must learn to overcome the schemes of the devil together so that our intimacy is not hindered. James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” This begins by confessing anything that you knowingly are doing to your spouse that is not from God and coming to a place of repentance. This could be blaming, accusing, projecting, or hiding sinful/destructive behavior. Healthy intimacy requires that you know yourself and deal with any spiritual darkness that has a hold on you.
Ponder & Pray: Ask the Holy Spirit (Revealer of truth) this question: “Holy Spirit, is there anything in me that I am unaware of that I am placing on my spouse that is not from you.”
(Take a moment to listen and write down. Both spouses should participate)
Activation: In a spirit of gentleness and humility, share with your spouse what the Holy Spirit revealed to you. If you need to repent for anything that has come up, now is a great time to share.
Day 5
Scripture: Jeremiah 17:10
It’s Not Only Who We Are, but Also What We Do:
The final step in cultivating intimacy is learning to live life in such a way that we feel good about ourselves before God. If we feel guilty about something we are doing, we won’t want to let someone else into our private internal life. Shame wants to keep things hidden. It’s common to hear statements like, “What matters is who you are; not what you do” or “God doesn’t care about your performance; He cares about your heart.” The truth is, it isn’t only your heart, nor is it only about what you do – it’s BOTH! In Jeremiah 17:10 it says, “I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.” While God looks at our hearts to judge us justly; it is our actions that reveal what is in our hearts.
Let’s take another look at John the Baptist. John the Baptist was God’s plan to prepare the way for people to see and receive the Kingdom of God in the person of Jesus Christ. When John admonished the Pharisees and the Sadducees who came to him for baptism, and by saying, “Bear fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matt. 3:7-8), John is telling all of us that empty words of confession are simply not enough; there must be more. There must be true repentance – a change of mind and behavior that joins hands with our confession. True repentance will always bring about real change and bear good, desirable fruit.
God desperately wants you to have the intimacy you desire. Can you see that God desires for us all to confess and repent of sin so that we will be free to invite our spouse into the innermost places of our heart? It is a necessary path to experiencing intimacy with him and with each other.
Ponder & Pray: Father, I pray for the grace needed to trust you and Your ways. I pray for humility to confess to You, and my spouse, any area of darkness ruling over me. I pray for the grace to go beyond just a remorseful confession and into a heartfelt commitment to continually turn to You, to let You bring lasting changes into my life. I pray this in the name of Jesus! Amen.
Activation: Discuss what patterns, habits or behaviors in your life make you happy with yourself and how you will seek God’s help to change.