Love Forgives

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:5

“Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do” (1 Corinthians 13:5 CEV).

There’s a lot of faulty thinking about forgiveness. The act of forgiveness gets watered down, abused, and cheapened. 

What is forgiveness really? Take a quick test by answering “true” or “false” to the following statements: 

1. People should not be forgiven until they ask for it.

2. Forgiveness includes minimizing the offense and the pain that was caused. 

3. Forgiveness includes restoring trust and reuniting a relationship.

4. You haven’t really forgiven until you’ve forgotten the offense. 

5. When I see someone else hurt, then it is my duty to forgive the offender.

If you study the Bible, you’ll discover that all five of those statements are false. 

Before we talk about what forgiveness really is, we have to talk about five things forgiveness is not:

1. Forgiveness is not conditional. In other words, it’s not based on somebody else’s response. Real forgiveness is unconditional. It’s not earned or deserved. It’s not based on some promise that you’ll never do it again. If you say to someone “I’ll forgive you if . . . ,” that’s not forgiveness. That’s bargaining.

2. Forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense. There is a big difference between being wounded and being wronged. Being wounded is something that’s accidental and does not require forgiveness. Being wronged means someone intentionally meant to hurt you, and that requires forgiveness.

3. Forgiveness is not resuming a relationship without changes. The Bible teaches that forgiveness and restoring relationship are two different things. Forgiveness is instant. Restoring relationship means building trust over a long period of time. Forgiveness is your part in reconciliation. But for a relationship to be restored, the offender has to demonstrate genuine repentance, make restitution whenever possible, and rebuild your trust by proving he or she has changed over time.

4. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened. It’s impossible to try to forget something. When you’re trying to forget something, what are you focusing on? The very thing you want to forget.

The key isn’t forgetting. The key is learning to see it through the lens of grace and God’s sovereignty and discovering how he can turn bad things into good in your life if you’ll trust him and respond in the right way.

5. Forgiveness is not my right when I wasn’t the one that was hurt. Only the victim has the right to forgive. You can’t forgive people who haven’t hurt you. 

There is always a cost to sin. And there is always a cost to forgiveness. That’s why you have to understand what forgiveness is not before you can look at what forgiveness really is. 

Talk It Over

1. Does it make it easier to forgive someone when you consider that forgiveness is unconditional? Why or why not?

2. Of the five things forgiveness is not, which do you struggle with the most? Explain why.

Scriptures: Romans 12:19, Hebrews 12:15

“Never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it” (Romans 12:19 TLB). 

“Be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace which God gives, for if he does there can very easily spring up in him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but can also poison the lives of many others” (Hebrews 12:15 PHILLIPS). 

You say, “If I give up my right to get even with somebody who’s hurt me, then that’s unfair.” You’re right! It is unfair. But whoever said forgiveness is fair? Was it fair for Jesus Christ to forgive everything you’ve ever done wrong and let you go free? No. We don’t want God to be fair to us, though. We want God to be gracious to us. We all want justice for everybody else and forgiveness for ourselves. 

Life is not fair. And forgiveness is not fair. It’s called grace, and God has shown it to you. One day, God is going to have the last word. He’s going to settle the score. He’s going to right the wrong. Leave the justice part to God. You just concern yourself with forgiving so there can be peace in your heart and you can get on with your life. 

If you don’t do this, you will fall into the trap of bitterness. Resentment and bitterness are worthless emotions. In fact, doctors tell us they are the unhealthiest emotions. They will eat you alive like cancer. 

When you hold on to resentment, you allow people from your past to continue to hurt you today. And that’s not smart! The people in your past are past. They cannot continue to hurt you unless you choose to hold on to the hurt. Instead, let go of your need to get even or make things fair. Leave it up to God.

The Bible says, “Be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace which God gives, for if he does there can very easily spring up in him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but can also poison the lives of many others” (Hebrews 12:15 PHILLIPS). 

Talk It Over

1. What hurt from your past is hard for you to let go?

2. What can you do today to move on from your hurt?

Scripture: Luke 6:27-28

“Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28 NIV).

The Bible says in Luke 6:27-28, “Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (NIV). Notice these three verbs: “do good,” “bless,” and “pray for.” A big part of forgiveness is responding to evil with good.

How do you know when you’ve genuinely forgiven somebody? You can pray for God to bless that person. You also start seeing that person’s hurt. When people are hurting inside, they take it out on others. Hurt people hurt people. When you learn to forgive, you not only see your own hurt but you see their hurt, too. Then you start to understand why they acted in such evil or selfish or hurtful or abusive ways. You can pray for them, and you can even pray for God to bless them.

You say, “But you don’t know how they’ve hurt me.” No, I don’t. And I’m sorry for every hurt you’ve experienced. But I do know this: You’re never going to move on with your life until you forgive and let it go. That doesn’t mean you have to forget. It means you relinquish your right to get even and respond to evil with good. 

How can you do that? There’s only one possible way: You have to be filled with the love of Jesus Christ.

When you keep a record of wrong, you’re being unloving. But when you let it go and bless those who hurt you, then you’re letting God’s love work through you. You say, “I can’t do that!” You’re right! That’s why you need Jesus Christ. You can only do it with his help.

Talk It Over

1. How did Jesus model Luke 6:27-28 for us?

2. Can you identify someone you need to forgive and ask God to bless?

Scripture: Matthew 18:21-23

“Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matthew 18:21-22 NLT).

Forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. So how often do you have to keep releasing your right to get even? Until you stop feeling the hurt. Then you’ll know you’ve forgiven that person.

Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (NLT).

Peter thought he was being pretty generous. Under Jewish law, you had to forgive a person three times and that was it. You didn’t have to forgive them anymore. So Peter’s thinking, “The law says three times. How about if I double it, and add in one for good measure? Seven times? (God’s going to be really impressed with this!)” 

And Jesus says, “Wrong! You’re not even close! How about seventy times seven!” He’s saying you have to just keep on doing it. You keep on forgiving until the pain stops. Every time you remember that hurt, you make an intentional choice to say, “God, that person really hurt me, and it still hurts. But because I want to be filled with love and not resentment, I am choosing to give up my right to get even and wish bad on that person. I am choosing to bless those who hurt me. God, I pray you’ll bless their life — not because they deserve it. They don’t. I don’t deserve your blessing either, God. But I pray that you’d show grace to them like you’ve shown to me.”

It’s not easy. In fact, I have no doubt that for some reading this, your marriage is about to self-destruct — not because of the hurt but because of the unforgiveness. It’s not the hurt but the refusal to forgive that destroys a marriage.

You may say, “I don’t feel like forgiving.” Who does? Nobody ever feels like forgiving. You do it because it’s the right thing to do, and you do it to get on with your life. These steps are not easy, but with God’s power, you can do it.

Talk It Over

1. What hurt from the past still brings you pain? How can forgiveness help you move forward?

2. When it comes to your relationships, what does it mean to have God’s power working in your life?