Love & Respect

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:33, 1 Corinthians 7:33-34

The Love & Respect Connection vs. The Crazy Cycle of Misunderstanding

Imagine this scenario:

Wife: “Did you fix the faulty porch step for our Thanksgiving gathering?”

Husband: “What? I don’t remember there being an issue with any step. It’ll be fine. Too many other things to get done before then.”

Wife: “Of course you know about the step! You watched me trip down the stairs when the board gave way only three weeks ago.” 

Husband: “Oh, I thought you tripped because you had too many things you were carrying and lost your balance. Sorry. What stair was it you said was faulty?”

Wife: “Seriously? We’ve already had this conversation. Forget it. I’ll call a handyman.”

Husband: “Wait! I said I’d fix it.”

Result: Wife feels unheard and unloved. Husband feels dismissed and disrespected.

Does the dialogue above point to similar types of interactions in your marriage? If yes, you are not alone. It’s true that men and women have different communication styles and needs. Mark 10:6 says, “But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female” (NIV). When this fact is acknowledged, then a shift toward productive and positive communication can start to radically transform your marriage. 

First, what do women most need to feel from their husbands? LOVE. Sounds simple, but a woman perceives love from her man in specific ways that he might not understand . . . yet! Next, what do men most need to feel from their wives? RESPECT. Unfortunately, in this modern age, the word respect has many women bristling with disdain simply because they do not understand the biblical concept of the word. This dual misunderstanding of love and respect creates a sharp edge within marriage. But God longs for us to call a truce with our spouse, to be humble and teachable. When properly executed, Eggerichs calls this the Love and Respect Connection. When this connection is broken, it leads directly to what he calls the Crazy Cycle: “Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love.” 

Attention women! Did you know that your husband always knows deep down that you love him, no matter the argument? But he is not nearly as confident and assured in your respect for him. This is why men don’t “need” love as a priority; they already feel they have it. Rather, when in conflict with you, their wife, they need to be assured of what they feel is at risk: your respect. As a result of not receiving respect, men often stonewall or withdraw. These patterns of actual or perceived disrespect can change, but it takes trust in his love for you and humility to let your guard down and recharge him with feelings of respect and honor.

Attention men! Your wife fears losing your love. Therefore, the more she communicates (aka “talks”), the more she believes she can resolve the dysphoria within herself and maintain your love. The frequent “diving deep” into your thoughts and feelings is for her to stay on top of any disharmonious feelings between the two of you and keep the lines open. When you feel critiqued and then shut down, she truly believes you are abandoning the unconditional, unending love you promised her. 

Whew! Talk about miscommunication . . . 

Remember what Eggerichs says: “Men hear criticism as contempt; women feel silence as hostility.” When each of you can understand the miscommunication and take a moment to reevaluate and readjust your behavior (verbal or nonverbal), you come closer to living in the Energizing Cycle with each other. The Energizing Cycle says: “His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.” Doesn’t that sound so much better than the Crazy Cycle?

Questions for you and your spouse:

Recall a recurring Crazy Cycle in your marriage. Reframe it with the Love and Respect Connection and see it from your spouse’s point of view. 

Is some of your resentment diffused? 

Can you commit to stopping the next Crazy Cycle in its tracks?

Read 1 Corinthians 7:33-34. These verses are about the desire to please one another. Ask your spouse to share ways you could better love her or show respect to him. Have an open heart and open mind when doing this exercise. But do not offer to them an unsolicited list of ways they could better love or respect you. They may ask for it in return, which you could then carefully respond. But do not enter this exercise with the intention of making it about you and your needs. Rather, keep your focus on how you can better love and respect your spouse.

Lord, You created male and female to be different yet still compatible. Help me accept the differences and open my heart to a deeper union. This requires a willingness to give something I’ve been withholding. Help my generosity toward my spouse be greater than my desire to obtain something for myself. Amen.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 7:3, Song of Songs 2:15

Get Off My Air Hose! 

Oblivious. Disconnected. Uncaring. Obtuse. These are harsh words, right? They come from a woman who, while crying, wrote in her journal some feelings her husband triggered in her after a particularly bad interaction when he “stepped on her air hose.” In response, he angrily got in his car and thought, accusingly, overemotional. Critical. Unsupportive. Disrespectful. Because she, in response to his reaction toward her, had also pinched his air hose. The fallout? Both were left suffocating, in isolation, with depleted love and respect tanks. 

What does it mean to step on your spouse’s air hose? Based on Ephesians 5:33, Eggerichs explains a cycle (the Crazy Cycle) that the woman and man naturally fall into unless they have tools to intentionally disengage from the crazy. “Without love, she reacts without respect.” If a wife needs love like she needs the air to breathe, and she’s being suffocated (because he stepped on her air hose), she will react disrespectfully. In turn, “without respect, he reacts without love.” If he needs unconditional respect like he needs the air to breathe, and he’s being criticized or attacked in some way (she is stepping on his air hose), he will definitely react in a way that feels unloving to his wife. 

What are you each really feeling when this suffocating atmosphere alters your mind, aside from how you feel about each other? Men, you likely feel disrespected, defensive, judged, criticized, never good enough, and beaten down. Ladies, you probably feel unloved, wounded, misunderstood, rejected, unimportant, and abandoned. 

You can see how important it is to have an understanding of one another’s core differences. But to alter your reactions to your spouse is where the magic begins.

When your foot is hovering over your spouse’s air hose, and you feel like what you do or say could potentially cut off feelings of love, belonging, respect, and connection, take a pause. Check your tone. The number one thing in a conversation that, according to Eggerichs’s research, can help a relationship the most is to be aware of the tone of your conversations. Does your tone have an undercurrent of love and respect? Or do you sound hostile and contemptuous? This is the moment where you can keep the love and respect tanks filled, or you can pull the plug and let your ego get injected instead. Trust me . . . keep the tank filled and let the ego deflate!

Responses for men when feeling triggered:

·  Be willing to try and resolve issues instead of fleeing.

·  Acknowledge what she is saying and feeling (aka: hear her out calmly).

·  Share your feelings instead of holding them inside.

·  Move toward her instead of away from her so she can feel reassured of your love during the conflict.

Responses for women when feeling triggered:

·  Trust his ability to analyze things and offer a solution.

·  Withhold judgment and instead ask for him to express his feelings.

·  Acknowledge him as the primary leader.

·  Validate his need for respect, even in times of conflict . . . and even when he’s in the wrong!

Questions for you and your spouse:

First Corinthians 7:3 says, “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” In ancient Israel, a newly married soldier was relieved of all “duties” in his first year of marriage except for that of giving “happiness to his wife whom he has taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5 NASB). The Israelites understood that the first year of marriage is fundamental to set the tone for the relationship. Did you and your spouse become really close during your first year of marriage? If yes, recall how you developed that bond. Intend to go deeper still. If you answered no, you have some catching up to do. Look forward to spending intentional time learning who your spouse is, beyond what you think you know.

Husbands: Women crave involvement (connection). Find a way to interact with your wife face-to-face with an activity or conversation you know would mean a lot to her.

Wives: Husbands long for shoulder-to-shoulder activity with you (friendship). Seek out a way to respect this inborn trait and join him in some of his interests and hobbies.

Lord, I understand the need to truly know my spouse on a deeper level. Open my eyes to the things I have not yet seen and help me be supportive of their needs.

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:28, Song of Songs 7:6

C-O-U-P-L-E: Demystify Her Unspoken Needs

Eggerichs makes a brilliant observation. He says, “Women confront to connect. The typical response from a man, however, is that he thinks his wife is confronting to control.” Because women are natural verbal connectors, their “confrontation” is almost always seen as a threat and disrespectful. Women, because of their need to understand things right away, clear away confusion, and stay connected, initially misunderstand and are taken aback by any pauses, time-outs, or anything else resembling the gathering of thoughts. This trait highlights their ability for emotional endurance, their ability to bravely navigate rocky emotional terrain without hesitation, and their desire for peace, though it might not appear to be such a positive on the surface. At the bottom of the misunderstanding, though, is her intention to communicate, “Please love me.” It really is that simple. Ask her!

The acronym C-O-U-P-L-E stands for six truths that, when followed, will energize your wife, thus bringing your marriage into the Energizing Cycle. Even if it feels unnatural to alter your reactions, tone, behavior, and impulses, your efforts will be rewarded. How? By your wife, in turn, energizing you with—wait for it—respect! What a trade-off.

Eggerichs again reassures the husband in conflict who struggles to stay afloat while watching his wife remaining buoyant with apparently a superhuman emotional fluency: “When the ocean of marriage emotions becomes turbulent, a husband can feel as if he is drowning. A wife, on the other hand, stays afloat quite naturally and comfortably.” It is humbling, to say the least, to feel like you aren’t properly trained to swim in the deep waters, but if you use biblical principles alongside the C-O-U-P-L-E guide, you will not only learn to swim but be quite charming while doing so!

Closeness: The physical part is easy, but the real challenge will be the spiritual and emotional connection she craves.

Ways to develop closeness: 

·  Spend time alone together, highlighting non-sexual touch. 

·  Explore her mind with insightful conversations.

·  Plan activities together that are unexpected and novel.

Openness: You’re going to have to practice this one and start talking, sharing . . . all that stuff you know you love!

Ways to develop openness:

·  Pray with her. (This fosters respect in a huge way!)

·  Give her your full attention when talking. (Eye contact is akin to foreplay.)

·  Be proactive and share your feelings without being prompted.

Understanding: She’s not looking for solutions, only a listening, sympathizing ear.

Ways to develop understanding:

·  Validate her feelings by making an effort to identify with them.

·  PMS is real, so back off when you know her low mood is out of her control.

·  Set aside time every day to allow her to “build the rapport by giving the report.”

Peacemaking: Sometimes “I’m sorry” are the two most powerful words in the world.

Ways to develop peace:

·  Don’t get angry when she needs to vent.

·  Understand her desire to compromise and mend.

·  Try to work on a resolution instead of withdrawing indefinitely.

Loyalty: Let her know you’re not going to leave her because of a disagreement. (This fear is real!)

Ways to develop loyalty:

·  Don’t be critical of her in front of the kids or friends.

·  Keep her informed of your plans. (Even when it’s obvious to you, call her anyway.)

·  Don’t have an eye for the ladies. (Women do notice this, however discreet you think you are.)

Esteem: You don’t have to treat her like a Disney princess to show her adoration. 

Ways to develop esteem:

·  Tell her you are proud of her for something she accomplished.

·  Be affectionate with her in public. (This doesn’t take more than a hand resting on her lower back for all of you who fear PDA.)

·  Speak highly of her to others, when she can hear it.

Questions for you and your spouse:

In Song of Solomon 7:6, the bridegroom describes his adoration for his bride: “How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!” Intentionally declare your love for your wife in the next few days, with a few reasons why she is the love of your life. Notice her reaction. Is she surprised, softened, disbelieving? Keep speaking your love in a direct way from time to time; her heart will change toward you.

Ask yourself if you are being as loyal to your wife as you can be. Are there any behaviors you have that are in the “walking a fine line” category?

What is your go-to tone when you feel attacked or disrespected? If you recorded yourself (video and audio), what would your body language look like? Your facial expressions? The sound of your voice? How would you react to your “tone” if you were on the receiving end? 

Lord, I understand more fully the deep closeness You intend for my marriage. Let peace and loyalty prevail in our daily encounters with one another. Let forgiveness be easily offered and accepted. Most important, I ask You to join with us daily by infusing us with Your spirit of love. Amen.  

Scriptures: Proverbs 12:4, Ephesians 5:22-24

C-H-A-I-R-S: Decode His Protected Language 

Eggerichs believes “the key to motivating another person is meeting his or her deepest need.” A husband’s deepest need is unconditional respect. Yet many women tend to do the proverbial eye-roll with their friends, as if it’s assumed they really know what’s best or their decision will override their husband’s. Typically, this behavior results from a few occasions where a poor decision was made, so she feels she can assume the position of head of house. But pushing the husband out of his territory, even with a few bad decisions under his belt, is a recipe for a disastrous marriage full of disdain and disrespect.

Remember, men are made in the image of God. They have God-given attributes that are worthy of respect. Men naturally desire to work, achieve, protect, and provide.

So sometimes a woman needs to look at her man’s desires and not his performance. The focus should be on the positive, not the negative. When this is hard to do, use Eggerichs’s Respect Test. For example, take a moment to think of something that you respect about your husband. Later, when you are in a quiet moment with your husband, say, “I was thinking about you today and how well you ______, and I just want you to know that I really respect that about you.” After you say this, don’t wait for a response. Find something you have to do and quietly leave the room. As in a spell, your husband, soon afterward, will actually alter his behavior and do something he had not been doing before, like offer to take the family out for ice cream, or fold clothes in the laundry room! This shows that respect feeds into respect. Feed what he desires, and you will also be filled in return.

The acronym C-H-A-I-R-S is a helpful tool for women to use in understanding what makes a man feel respected. Learn how to speak his language, and you will see a new man emerge!

Conquest: Appreciate his desire to work, achieve, and provide for his family.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Listen to his work stories with engagement and interest. 

·  Express to him how you believe in his calling and have faith in his work path.

·  Encourage him to dream big with career goals.

Hierarchy: Accept and acknowledge that you are under the God-ordained protection of your husband.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Don’t scoff at the idea of “looking up to him” as the leader; he needs to know you accept and respect his position.

·  Empathize with him when he gets entangled in work situations, because he identifies so strongly with his ability to perform well.

·  When financial troubles arise, quietly, without shaming him, do your part to support him and offer solutions.

Authority: Support your husband’s role as the head of the house and realize it’s not meant to demoralize you but to support the family foundation.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Don’t openly disagree with him in front of the children.

·  State your opinions reasonably, but don’t remove his leadership by taking over.

·  Praise the good decisions he has made.

Insight: Appreciate your husband’s desire to analyze and give counsel.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Recognize that his insight (paired with your intuition) completes the circle.

·  Thank him for his advice and tell him how it was sound.

·  Let him take the lead in fixing things at times, and then praise him for the result.

Relationship: Men want to be shoulder-to-shoulder friends with you. He is content just being with you, not talking (imagine that!).

Ways to show your respect:

·  Engage in recreational activities with him that are simply for fun and companionship.

·  Respect his friendships with others; he will be more energized to spend time with you as a result of getting that need met.

·  Go against your need to “do” and just be present with him with no agenda.

Sexuality: Recognize that he needs sexual release like you need emotional release.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Be responsive to him sexually, and initiate sexual encounters periodically.

·  Be understanding if his sex drive is greater than yours; your emotional needs are generally greater than his.

·  Let him be open about his sexual temptations and frustrations without shaming him; let it be a source of connection and growth.

Questions for you and your spouse:

Do your words and actions communicate to your husband, “You are responsible, but I have the authority”? Do you attempt to overthrow his decision when the outcome wasn’t what you wanted? Can you state your opinion but let him lead next time? What will this require of you emotionally and spiritually?

Biblical hierarchy is spelled out in Ephesians 5:22–24: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (NASB). Wives, in today’s age of feminism, how does this sit with you? Can you make peace with God’s directive and still feel self-respect? How will you accomplish this?

Proverbs 12:4 says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones” (NASB). Can you write down ways in which you may have shamed your husband? What actions did you list? What words did you speak aloud? How could you approach him more respectfully next time?

Lord, love and respect are deep needs for both husbands and wives. Resentment and an unforgiving heart often get in the way of a fruitful union. Show me what needs I am not meeting in my spouse. I desire to live in the Energizing Cycle and get out of the Crazy Cycle. Step in. Intervene. Do what You must to get my marriage back in balance. Amen.

Scriptures: Revelation 22:12, 1 Timothy 4:12

We All Love Rewards Programs 

Eggerichs’s Rewarded Cycle states: “His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.” This means that no matter what your spouse gives or does not give you, keep offering love and respect, because it is the life of Christ living in you showing the example of love and faith. 

Many spouses don’t want to offer love and respect if it isn’t reciprocated; they figure it’s a losing battle. Certainly it is a difficult task to offer this unconditional gift when there’s nothing to receive, but there are reasons to not give up and to allow God to work. “Don’t interpret delay as defeat,” Eggerichs encourages. Wait and persevere . . . the development of your soul is more important than the earthly timing you adhere to. The unconditional love and unconditional respect you show your husband or wife will be rewarded. This is the essence of the Rewarded Cycle. It might look different than you expected, but God will take care of your heart.

What you do, how you respond to life situations and marriage, matters to God. Nothing you experience or endure is wasted. Keep practicing the Love and Respect principles out of obedience toward Christ, and then see what follows. 

Typically, we are creatures that give to get. Even in parenthood, we sacrifice so much on the front end, always giving and never really getting back an equal measure of our efforts. We secretly hope that our children will grow up and be thankful for our steady presence. Or we feel that the grandchildren who await us (hopefully) will be reward enough for all the years of dedication to our kids, often with no verbal praise from them. Marriage is different, though. It’s a contract we enter into, willingly, in good faith, with God’s blessing. Often this thought process is enough to make some feel that cruise control is an option. That’s when you hear the screech of the brakes and feel the tears well up (or the irritation set in). 

When a partner realizes he or she might not get what was promised at the marriage ceremony, it’s hard to keep offering respect, love, and faithfulness. An overwhelming sense of unfairness and disappointment overrides God’s directive voice when we feel ripped off or mistreated by our spouse. But God challenges each of us who finds ourselves in this situation to stay the course, not giving to get but simply giving because it’s honorable and holy and changes us for the better.

“In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ,” Eggerichs states. When you and your spouse can finally internalize this truth, then you can look at one another with the eyes of Christ and feel with the passion of true lovers. 

Questions for you and your spouse:

Eggerichs says, “My response to my spouse is my responsibility.” He goes on to state that in his own marriage, his wife doesn’t cause him to be the way he is; she reveals the way he is. What does he mean by this? Do you agree with him?

Read 1 Timothy 4:12: “Set an example . . . in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity” (NIV). If you use this as a mantra for giving unconditional love and respect to your spouse, what will it look like if it’s one-sided? 

“When a wife feels her need for love is met, she bonds with her husband. When a husband feels his need for respect is being met, he bonds with his wife,” states Eggerichs. Write a commitment statement to your spouse, stating that you intend to fulfill their need for unconditional love and respect, then begin the transformative journey to a deeper union.

Lord, I know that my commitment to my marriage and the love and respect I unconditionally offer is seen by You. My desire is that I am rewarded with love and respect from my spouse, and I earnestly wait and trust in You to deliver that. In the meantime, provide the peace and love I need to continue my obedience toward You. Amen.