Made to Relate

Scriptures: Matthew 19:12, 1 Corinthians 7:6-8, 1 Corinthians 7:28-35, Matthew 12:46-50

Singleness

For our modern context, a good way to understand what Jesus is doing in Matthew 19 is talking about those who do not marry and pursue celibacy. In the context of Matthew 19, Jesus’ point is that marriage isn’t something that should be entered into lightly, and if you will not remain committed to your spouse, it is better not to marry at all. In the ancient world, a eunuch was someone who did not have sexual relations, and therefore did not marry. Below are three categories of those who are celibate that we can get from Jesus’ statement.

• Celibates from birth – Those for physical reasons, lack of sexual desire, or wanting to honor God and not pursue non-God-honoring sexual desires, remain celibate
• Dedicated celibates – Those that desire marriage, or to be married again if widowed/divorced, but since they are not currently married, they strive for celibacy
• Vowed celibates – Those who have sexual desire but intentionally refrain from marriage and remain single to do things for the Lord or in their life that they could not do if they were married (i.e. many priests, nuns, or even the Apostle Paul himself)

In an effort to honor God’s design for sexual relationships, celibates are singles who refrain from sexual relations (even in spite of their desires) in order to honor the Lord.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes about singleness. While he says a lot, his point is that there are benefits to being married and there are benefits to being single – both have advantages. Particularly in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul highlights why singleness is not only a good thing but is perhaps something more people should consider. What is clear here is:

• Singles are not second class citizens
• Singleness is not a punishment
• Marriage is not the ultimate goal, following Jesus is

Particularly in the Church, singleness can sometimes be viewed as an inferior position compared to being married. But Paul says no such thing, and in fact encourages singleness as an equally faithful option.

In Matthew 12:46-50 Jesus says that entrance into God’s family has nothing to do with one’s bloodline, but one’s faith. The implication is that God’s family expands by making disciples, not just by married Christians having children and raising them in the faith.

All of this means that one’s marital status has no bearing on one’s faithfulness. While there is nothing wrong with desiring a spouse, there is also nothing wrong with not having one. Which means as followers of Jesus, we must ensure that those who are single are not viewed or treated as junior varsity Christians. It means those who are single should be given and entrusted with as much leadership in the church as those who are married. It means we shouldn’t equate someone’s relationship status with their worth.

After all, our savior came and lived as a single man, and he was the most faithful of all.

Today’s reflection

For those that are married: What can I do this week to ensure a single friend feels cared for? (Could I invite them over for dinner with my family, seek out their advice on something, or do I need to apologize for something I have said that minimized their singleness if they desire marriage?)

For those that are single: In what ways have I viewed my singleness as inferior to marriage? How do the Scriptures encourage me that my relationship status does not define me?

Scriptures: Proverbs 20:6, Proverbs 13:20, Proverbs 27:5-6, Proverbs 27:17, John 15:12-15

Friendship

Do you have any real friends? Increasingly, fewer and fewer people can answer that question in the affirmative. We all can relate to Proverbs 20:6 in some way, and our society today is not helpful in creating spaces for friendship to develop.

At the same time, Proverbs 13:20 shows us that friends aren’t neutral. They will either influence for the better or for the worse. We all can think of times in our lives where a friend or friends influenced us to make a poor decision.

Pastor and author Tim Keller defines the four marks of a true friend this way:

• Constancy (someone committed to being there no matter what)
• Carefulness (someone who cares deeply for you, and is affected by how you are doing)
• Candor (the ability to be honest, even when honesty requires lovingly confronting an issue)
• Council (the desire to want their feedback/advice)

What this means is that while we can have a number of acquaintances or even friends, we can only have a couple of really close friends. We can’t be there for everyone, we can’t allow our emotional state to be affected by everyone, and aren’t close enough with everyone for just anyone to confront us.

But this also shows us our need to have people like this in our lives. In fact, almost anything bad can be made sweeter with friends, and almost anything good can be terrible without them. And for those we are close with, as Proverbs 27:5-6 tells us, it is better for them to be honest with us than for others who know us far less to flatter us.

Interestingly, The night before Jesus died, he was trying to get across to his disciples not just what was going to happen to him, but what it all meant. John 14-17 is about the last supper, Jesus’s betrayal, and Jesus teaching his disciples. And one thing he says in order to explain what he was going to do and why he came in the first place was in the concept of friendship.

In John 15:12-15 Jesus calls his disciples friends. Our God is a God of friendship. The Trinity itself is the Father, the Son, and the Spirit knowing and loving each other. Genesis 1 tells us he created humans in his image, meaning we need friendship. And there is no greater true friend to us than Jesus.

Jesus is the ultimate friend who is going to cleave to you at infinite cost to himself. Jesus was wounded on our behalf so we could be reconciled to God. In a real sense, Jesus, God the son, had his friendship with God the father broken on the cross as he took on the sins of the world, so that we could have friendship with God.

Put another way, Jesus was and is the perfect friend. And Jesus has given us the church to provide a community that can sharpen us. So if you are looking for friendship, here are three quick suggestions:

• Commit to the gathering of your local church (try and aim for 3 out of 4 Sundays a month as a starting point).
• Join a group at your church. Most churches offer some sort of small group setting. It is so vital not to try and follow Jesus alone.
• Ask someone to be your friend. Be honest with someone, chances are they need a friend as well.
• Commit to showing up. It is so easy in our culture today to send a last minute text that you can’t make it. Let your yes be yes, and over time you will see more relationships form.

Today’s reflection

Jesus modeled constancy, carefulness, candor, and council with his disciples. Which of these stands out the most to you as a marker of a good friend?

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:20-33, Philippians 2:5-11

Marriage

In Ephesians 5, Paul writes all about walking in love and doing for others in imitation of what Jesus did for us. He talks about the importance of honoring God and one another with our lives. And that ultimately we should strive to love the way Jesus loved. Then he uses marriage as an example of how this can practically play out.

In the second half of Ephesians 5, Paul shows how marriage reflects Jesus and his relationship with the church. When a husband and wife desire to care for, serve, and love each other and put their spouse’s desires above their own, they reflect how Jesus treated us.

In fact, when Paul talks about the leadership of the husband, it is easy for us to assume or start to conjecture in our minds what leadership is supposed to look like. Yet it is pretty clear in Ephesians 5 that a husband leads by loving like Jesus. How this plays out will differ from culture to culture and context to context, however.

Paul doesn’t say “now this is what the husband and wife should do practically.” Instead he simply instructs us that leadership is defined by desiring the good of his wife over himself.

In the end, Paul is showing us that a good marriage requires two people to honor one another. If one (or both) of the spouses do not desire to do this, it will lead to problems.

So how does marriage reflect the Gospel? When a husband and wife relate to one another with a posture of love and service, it reflects to everyone else what Christ did for us. As Philippians 2 tells us, Jesus, who had all authority, came not to be served but to serve. To lay down his life for us.

Author and pastor Tim Keller puts it this way,

The Christian teaching on marriage does not offer a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice…. but rather mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice. Jesus gave himself up; he died to himself to save us and make us his. Now we give ourselves up for one another.

So what is the secret to a good marriage? Doing for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus. We should follow his example in how he loved, cared for, and served.

This is different from how marriage is often viewed culturally today. It’s not about each spouse doing their share in the relationship as if it is a 50/50 split. It’s about each spouse desiring the good of their spouse, even when they don’t want to (and even when their spouse may not deserve it).

When a husband or wife desires to emulate Jesus in how they treat their spouse, it is a direct reflection of how Jesus treats us.

Today’s reflection

A good marriage requires both spouses to honor one another, otherwise, Paul’s writing in Ephesians 5 won’t be lived out correctly. How is Paul’s description of how marriage should function different from our common cultural ideas of how it should function?

Scripture: Mark 10:1-12

Divorce

In Mark 10, Jesus is confronted by religious leaders who want to know what he thinks makes a lawful divorce, according to the Old Testament Scriptures. Of course, their goal is to try and trap Jesus, not to learn from him.

In Deuteronomy 24:1, it says “If a man marries a woman, but she becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, he may write her a divorce certificate, hand it to her, and send her away from his house.”

The issue at hand is that various streams of Judaism interpreted it differently. For some, “displeasing” was defined only as adultery. For other groups, it could be something as simple as a man not liking any number of things about his wife. So what does Jesus say?

Jesus here emphasizes not how to legally get out of a marriage without sinning, but rather the value of marriage itself. For clarity, Jesus’ purpose is to argue for the permanence of marriage, not to accuse people of adultery (even if this is an implication). For Jesus, your spouse is not a piece of property but your own bone and flesh. In the ancient world, wives were legally under their husbands. For Jesus, a wife was a husband’s co-equal partner.

So Jesus is focusing not on how to get out of a marriage, but rather how to stay in it. Jesus’ point here is that marriage is a big deal to God, so it should be a big deal to us. That being said, it is important to understand a few things when reading this text:

1. Jesus is responding to hostile questioners who are trying to trap him. (His answer is directed at bitter opponents whom he has accused previously of mishandling scripture and distorting God’s will.)
2. Jesus is presenting God’s ideal for marriage, not addressing every possible scenario.
3. Jesus is not addressing people contemplating divorce or struggling with a broken marriage.
4. Jesus is not addressing someone who has experienced a divorce. (So we should not expect to find in this text instructions on pastoral care and support of people who have been divorced.)

While the truth would not change, all we can do is think and consider what Jesus might have said in a different situation to different people. What we can do, however, is see how Jesus interacted with people who were divorced or committed adultery. In the New Testament, we have two such examples.

In John 8:7-11, Jesus was presented with a woman caught in the act of adultery. And what did Jesus do? He offered her grace and encouraged her to no longer continue in her sin. He didn’t condemn. He didn’t turn his back on her.

Another example is in John 4, where Jesus interacts with a Samaritan woman who had been married five times and was currently living with a man who was not her husband. What did Jesus do there? Well, he explained to her that he offers living water. After she realizes he is a prophet she rushes back in to town to tell everyone what just happened, and then they convinced Jesus to stay with them for a few days. And in John 4:39 it says, “Now many Samaritans from that town believed in him because of what the woman said when she testified, ‘He told me everything I ever did.’”

In other words, Jesus used a divorced woman multiple times over to change the trajectory of an entire town. So practically speaking, from Mark 10 and these two examples, here are a couple of things we see:

• Marriage is a big deal to God
• Marriage was created for a man and a woman as co-equal partners
• Divorce is not an unpardonable sin

So even if someone divorces in an unbiblical manner, they are not second class citizens in God’s kingdom. They are redeemed and loved just the same as everyone else.

Ultimately, we also know that Jesus will never divorce his bride. As we look at Ephesians 5 in our previous days’ devotional, Jesus is the ultimate example of the husband who lays down his life for his wife.

Jesus laid down his life for the church, and no matter who we are or what we have done, his commitment to his people is unchanged.

Today’s reflection

Modeling the way of Jesus, how can we better respond with love and grace to those who have experienced divorce?