This five-day plan explores how God calls us to handle conflict in marriage.
Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale
Day 1
Scriptures: Proverbs 25:11, Proverbs 13:3, Galatians 5:22-23
Any authentic relationship will have its share of challenges from time to time—sometimes for longer seasons than we’d like to admit. When we run away from conflict, we’re shying away from a revealing teacher. Conflict can bring to light our triggers, attitudes, and communication skills. It reveals where we’re holding on to anger and pride. It uncovers unresolved wounds or deeply held resentments. When we’re teachable, conflict produces growth. The key to successfully addressing concerns in marriage consists of several things: your timing and tone, choosing to fight fair, and taking the time for honest self-reflection with King Jesus.
Talking about marriage is a vulnerable endeavor. It’s deeply personal. Marriage can be sticky, joyful, and at times really painful. I’m not an expert. I am, however, someone who has learned great lessons from heartache. I’ve decided there are only so many times I can say to myself, “Man, I wish I would’ve handled that differently.” The Lord has been my Shepherd and guide. This is written from a place of practice. These principles have richly blessed my husband and me. My heart is to share these lessons with those who want to make their marriage more meaningful.
Timing:
Have you ever said the right thing at the wrong time? God has shown me wise timing is one of the most powerful tools to employ when addressing concerns and resolving conflict. The Holy Spirit has taught me when to address a matter and when to hold off until a better time, which can be the difference between friction and peace. In Proverbs 25:11, we’re given a verse to meditate on. The Christian Standard Bible’s translation reads beautifully: “A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.”
We often think of bright shiny red apples when we hear “apples of gold.” In middle eastern cultures, this referred to the citrus fruit the orange. When oranges are juiced and stored in a silver pitcher, the acid of the orange’s juice oxidizes the surface silver in the pitcher and creates a silver colloid solution (colloidal silver). Colloidal silver is one of the most powerful natural anti-bacterial, antiviral medicines known in ancient times. It has also been used in modern times orally to treat illness and topically in dressing wounds. So, this proverb is saying that when a word is spoken in the right tone, with the right motive, and at the appropriate time it can bring healing.
So, when is the right time to address a concern? The short answer is it’s between us and God. An intimate understanding of my spouse has been incredibly helpful in discerning the proper time for conflict resolution. There are usually clear signs when it’s not a good time to address an issue. Observe your spouse’s workload, mood, and body language. Pause and contemplate, are they battling physical, mental, or spiritual exhaustion at this time? Are they battling with frustration and anger? Have they had an extremely hard day at work? Or, does this time of the year trigger certain emotions? Is the issue worth addressing at this time? These questions also apply to your own emotional state. Ask yourself, “Am I in the right state of mind to broach a big topic?” If not, pray and wait.
We can look to Queen Esther as an excellent example of wise timing to follow. We see Esther draw near to God with three days of fasting and patience. And although the Book of Esther doesn’t mention prayer, it’s safe to assume she prayed fervently before approaching her husband King Ahasuerus (a.k.a Xerxes I). Even with the threat of genocide, she didn’t allow her fears and anxieties to dictate when she would address her concerns. She trusted God’s timing.
Practical wisdom for life leaps off the pages of Proverbs. In Proverbs 13:3 (NIV), it says, “Those who speak rashly will come to ruin.” Acting rashly means we lack careful consideration for the consequences of our words. Consequences could range from not being heard to finding ourselves in a heated argument. Neither of those are good options.
I’ve learned sometimes it’s easier to wait than to seek forgiveness later for an argument that got out of hand. When we combine speaking the truth in love with the patience of proper timing, we’ll see good fruit in our marriages. There’s no denying that delaying a conversation can be extremely difficult. It’s an exercise in the fruits of the Spirit. It’s the ultimate practice of dying to self. I remind myself just because there’s a burning desire to address something, it doesn’t mean it needs to happen right this minute. An uncontrolled vent session isn’t the healthiest approach.
If I’m honest, at times, I can become mentally preoccupied with an issue, which draws me to a constant dialogue with Jesus regarding my concerns. Jesus can handle my venting—and He can handle yours. The Book of Psalms is full of venting and complaints. The Bible gives counsel to those who have words brewing and bubbling in their mouths, just waiting to spit them out. It teaches how a fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back (Proverbs 29:11). When we wait on the Lord’s prompting, He’s faithful to guide and direct us on the best time to approach our spouse.
Meditate:
Proverbs 25:11 (NKJV): “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
Proverbs 13:3 (NIV): “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.”
Galatians 5:22–23 (NIV): “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
Esther: Explore Esther’s behavior at the end of chapters four, five, and seven.
Pray:
Dear Lord, please lead me in Your perfect timing! Ease my fears and anxieties so I don’t rush to speak. Show me if I have any unrealistic expectations of my spouse. Fill me with the fruits of the Spirit so I may reflect Your loving character in my marriage. Lord, let no corrupt words come out of my mouth, but that which is good to uplift and give grace to my spouse (Ephesians 4:29).
Day 2
Scriptures: Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 12:18, Proverbs 18:21
Welcome back for day two of our study. Today we will be talking about the importance of our tone of voice. Were you ever told as a kid, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”? Ain’t that the truth! Our words and tone have the power to either build up or tear down.
Tone:
Timing and tone go together like grace and mercy or peanut butter and jelly—you can’t have one without the other. We can choose to wait until it’s the right time to approach our spouse with an issue; however, if our tone is disrespectful or unloving, we’ll be met with resistance. Think about the phrase, “Bless your heart.” It can be said with kindness or with condescension.Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) states such powerful language: “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
If you grew up in a highly expressive family (where the tone and volume of everyone’s voice is louder than average) and your spouse grew up in a more reserved environment, this is going to be a hurdle to overcome. However, it’s not an impossible hurdle! The acknowledgment and acceptance of these differences in your upbringings will allow mercy to flow more freely. Giving grace and promptly forgiving each other is the heartbeat of any healthy relationship. Our differences are neither right nor wrong, they’re simply different.
Remember, learning to communicate and resolve conflict in marriage is a work in progress. It doesn’t happen overnight. That’s why God gives us a lifetime together. It requires us to think before we speak. One of the key questions I use to keep my heart in check is, “If my spouse said the same thing I said, with the same tone to me, how would I feel, how would I respond?”
My husband and I are committed to making our home a safe haven for one another by reassuring each other it’s safe to communicate our needs and concerns. For us, safe expression is encouraged by our willingness to understand each other’s point of view. Timing, tone, and a non-defensive posture allows our home to be a safe place.
Meditate:
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV):“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Proverbs 12:18 (NIV): “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
Proverbs 18:21 (NIV):“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
Pray:
Dear Lord, I want to be the wise woman (or man) that builds my house, not the foolish one who tears it down with my own hands (Proverbs 14:1). Please fill me with grace and mercy so I can speak life to my spouse. Please empower my tone to be seasoned with respect and love.
Day 3
Scriptures: James 1:26, Proverbs 15:28
Welcome back for day three of our study. Today we will be talking about how to fight fair with our spouse.
Fair Fighting Part I:
My husband and I try to look at conflict not from winning or losing, but more from the angle of problem solving. This perspective helps us work as a team. This mindset promotes unity instead of division.
Here are a few ways to fight fair:
Meekness:
In the four Gospel accounts, the only two autobiographical descriptions Jesus uses of Himself are lowly (humble) and meek. If the Savior of the world values these attributes then we would be faithful to walk in His example. Any disagreements can quickly spiral out of control when we don’t clothe ourselves in meekness.
This attribute is often one of the most misunderstood fruits of the Spirit. Meekness is the exact opposite of weakness in every imaginable way. It’s strength under control. It’s the ability to slow the tongue and quiet the flood of emotions that can rise up in us. Meekness says to itself, “I surrender my desire to be right, so I can lean into love, forgiveness, and grace.”The Holy Spirit is the only One who can empower that type of strength in a believer. Ask and pray for this spiritual fruit. Our God-centered prayers will be answered by our loving Father in His time.
●Meekness paves the way for discernment.
●Discernment is the road to wisdom.
●Wisdom is knowledge and understanding applied.
Be encouraged to take what you know about your spouse and respond kindly so you can work together to find a solution.
Meditate:
●James 1:26 (CEB): “If those who claim devotion to God don’t control what they say, they mislead themselves. Their devotion is worthless.”
Dirty Fighting
Generalizing or Name Calling:
Generalizing: Have you ever caught yourself saying “you always . . .” or “you never . . .” to your spouse? Those in the habit of using these phrases may not have given it much thought. However, these words can have a profound impact on your spouse. These are classic phrases used in dirty fighting. These carelessly spoken words can leave our spouses feeling like they’ve been given no wiggle room to improve. Please understand words like these can slowly chip away at our spouse’s desire to do better. It can be particularly discouraging to a partner who is earnestly trying to make positive strides or is in the process of breaking a pattern.
Name Calling: Goodness, this may seem like such an obvious warning. However, we’re fallen creatures and this can happen in the heat of the moment. The tongue is a flame of fire. Its destructive power can set your whole life on fire (James 3:6). Who hasn’t been burned by someone’s words before? We all know how that feels. Let’s refrain from hurting our spouses. It can instantly diminish trust, and puts them on the defensive. We want to be mindful to address behavior not berate our spouse’s character. For example, we can say, “When you act like this ________ (behavior), it makes me feel_____.” We can strive to be intentional when we speak, remembering our statements can either belittle or build up our loved one.
Stonewalling:
You may not be familiar with this term; however, if you’ve been on the receiving end of stonewalling you know how extremely painful it can be. Stonewalling is completely refusing to discuss a concern with your spouse. Please know leaving important issues unresolved is deadly to the unity of marriage. Waiting for the right time for a discussion and avoiding the subject are very different. Avoidance is unloving and disrespectful. Typically, this tactic is employed because the conflict avoider is not willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the greater good of the relationship. Stubborn silence can be poisonous to a marriage. Nothing erodes the foundation of marriage quicker than stonewalling. Acting as if nothing has happened after an argument is toxic, highly immature, and can destroy intimacy. Problems don’t just go away on their own. God desires us to restore brokenness in our relationships with others. Avoiding the issues at hand and stuffing them down to avoid confrontation doesn’t glorify God. If you’re the spouse that takes longer to process, please let your partner know you need a time-out. Assure them they’ve been heard and you need time to think. Agree to discuss the issue at a later date. Be specific. For example, you can say, “I would like to talk about this again tomorrow evening once I’ve given it more thought.”
Meditate:
●Proverbs 15:28 (NASB): “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”
Day 4
Scriptures: Proverbs 18:2, James 1:5, Ephesians 4:26-27
Fair Fighting Part II:
Welcome back for day four of our study. Today we will be talking about additional ways to resolve conflict with our spouse.
Listen Up & Ask Questions:
Fighting fair means listening so we can understand our spouse. We should provide our undivided attention, instead of waiting for our turn to speak. If you use your silence as a way to prepare your next response, you may be a good debater, but it doesn’t make you a good listener. Did you know you can listen with your eyes? 80% of communication is non-verbal. A good listener will observe body language, gestures, and facial expressions. I strive to be a student of my spouse. This desire to understand him makes for a much more meaningful relationship. Discover how your spouse communicates what’s on their heart. Gentleness will help you listen without defensiveness. When you’re the listener, your facial expressions are just as important. This is so challenging for me! I actually have to say to myself, “Manage your face Debra.”
I love how Jesus asked questions to gain access to the hearts of those seeking after Him. Questions increase understanding for both parties. We can start off by saying, “My heart is to better understand you.” Stating upfront the intention to better understand can really help to reduce defensiveness. We can also say, “Am I hearing you correctly?” and then restate the concern. There are times when we misinterpret what our spouse is trying to communicate. If our spouse’s communication style is completely different from our own, we may be surprised at how easily a misunderstanding can arise. Don’t assume, ask. Ask them how they believe something could be done differently, then really listen to their point of view. For example, “When I did (fill in the blank), how did that make you feel?” Questions can help us build intimacy with our loved one.
The Word instructs us to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19).James gives us qualities that are the cornerstone of having a teachable spirit and being a better communicator.
Meditate:
●Proverbs 18:2 (NIV): “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”
●James 1:5 (NIV): “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
Grant and Ask for Forgiveness:
We probably all know someone who has an impossible time saying, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, will you please forgive me?” or someone who struggles to accept an apology. Unforgiveness is like a stubborn string at the end of a blanket. The enemy wants to pull that string and watch the fabric of your marriage unravel. Conflicts can produce anger. It took me many years to discover that anger is a secondary emotion. I’ve learned to go deeper into the pain behind the anger. This allows me to discover where healing needs to take place. Being angry with your spouse isn’t a sin, but harboring anger and reacting badly is. Be assured, forgiveness is NOT saying your pain or disappointment isn’t valid. We can forgive while still desiring behaviors to change.
For some people, getting to a place of forgiveness takes a little more time. When we’ve offended our spouse, acknowledged our wrongdoing, and are waiting to be forgiven, it’s helpful to recognize the deeper the wound and the more frequent the offense occurs (such as a hurtful pattern), the longer it’s going to take our spouse to forgive. It can do further damage to shame or guilt our partners into forgiving us on our time schedule. This doesn’t provide a safe space for our spouse to process their pain. Sometimes it requires us to be willing to sit in the discomfort we’ve created while we patiently wait for our partner to forgive us. This is beyond difficult. This may be where we get tempted to minimize and justify our offense. It’s really easy for pride to slip in and drive a wedge between us and our spouse. If we feel this happening, it’s helpful to seek counsel and prayer with godly friends.
A tree’s root is the source of its growth. Unforgiveness in marriage is the root that grows bitterness. Our marriages can’t live with dead roots. Forgiveness is not always easy. It’s an act of our will; it’s a choice. Our feelings and our intention to forgive aren’t always in sync. We need to be patient with ourselves and our spouses. The head and the heart take time to connect. Give it time, as God will allow the feelings to eventually follow.
Meditate:
Ephesians 4:26–27 (NKJV): Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.
Pray:
Dear Lord, conflict with my spouse is so painful and frustrating. Help me to rest in the bigger purpose, to find common ground, and to grow and stretch into Your image. Lord, I am called to forgive my spouse as You have forgiven me. This doesn’t always come naturally. Please help me to value unity and connection more than winning an argument. I love you Lord.
Day 5
Scriptures: Colossians 4:6, Psalms 19:14, Psalms 119:105
Welcome back for day five of our study. Today we will be talking about self-reflection. The questions below were given to me by a wise and godly woman who God consistently used to speak truth into my life. She gave me these questions one tearful afternoon and encouraged me to seek the Lord’s guidance. I have used them ever since. I hope they bless you as they have me.
Self-reflection:
The beauty of reflection time with Jesus can be done while you’re waiting for the right time to address an issue or after a conflict has already occurred. Self-examination will help you look for the lessons in the conflict. Honest reflection builds intimacy and is the pathway to a healthy relationship with Jesus, with our spouse, and with ourselves. Learning and growing is the goal of conflict resolution. God can show you why either of you have certain reactions or why neither is moving forward with an agreed upon goal, etc. God granting us understanding tends to help us express more compassion and find common ground with our loved one.
Here are the questions you can ask Jesus:
1) Lord, what is the deeper underlying issue in this conflict for both me and my spouse?
We let the Lord help us look beyond the surface reactions. Looking deeper can reveal emotional triggers brewing under the surface of the initial reaction. This could range from rejection to feeling unheard, disrespected, or unloved to feeling unappreciated or even the fear of abandonment. These are the very things the Great Physician wants to heal. Healing in these areas will change the whole landscape of your marriage. Psalm 147:3 reminds us Jesus heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
2) What’s my part in this conflict?
Honestly, conflict is never a one-way street. Whether big or small, we always have a role in the story. Ask Him to reveal your thoughts, actions, and reactions that contributed to the conflict. Be prepared as this can be humbling and uncomfortable. However, He is faithful to provide guidance and wisdom. Matthew 7:3–5 are famous verses about how specks and planks in our eyes always has the power to give a twinge of conviction. First we must take the plank out of our own eye, so we can see clearly the speck in the other person’s eye. We are blessed when God corrects us, if we don’t despise the discipline of the Almighty (Job 5:17).
3) Lord, what’s my heart towards the issue?
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties. And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23–24 NKJV). The Lord knows our hearts better than we do. We can place our hearts in His loving hands. He is faithful to answer this question. Ask yourself, “Do I care more about the quality of our relationship or more about winning an argument? Do I desire resolution and peace or does staying angry give me a false sense of power and control? Do I need an attitude adjustment?”
4) Lord, how does Your Word instruct on the issue?
The Word of God is living and active—it reads us more than we read it. His Word will never return void. Psalm 119:105 (NKJV) states, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Sit down with the Bible, and ask Him to faithfully provide insight into His Word. He loves when we come to Him open and willing to be corrected.
5) What outcome would most glorify You, Lord?
God desires resolution and restoration for His children. The Lord provides so many great examples of restored relationships from Jacob to Esau (Genesis:25–33) to Joseph and his brothers (Genesis:37–50). How we get to resolution is a journey we take with Jesus. 2 Corinthians 13:11 (NIV) says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”
Pray:
Dear Lord, please provide wisdom and insight into the habits that build our marriage and to the habits that hurt our marriage. Please improve our communication so we may daily walk in Colossians 4:6 (NKJV) which states, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” Lead us on the righteous path that glorifies You. And finally, may we echo the heart of the psalmist in Psalm 19:14 (NKJV): “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.” Amen.
Final Word:
Thank you for spending time with me. I will leave you with this final thought. A flower garden is a picture of marriage—gardens take great diligence to cultivate and grow into something beautiful and magnificent. Both marriage and gardens are truly a labor of love. Only God can turn our struggles, trials, and conflicts into lessons and blessings. Allow the Father to transform your garden into a magnificent, meaningful marriage.