Navigating Teenage Rebellion

Scriptures: Genesis 3:6-7, Romans 5:12, Romans 3:23, Psalms 78:17, Hebrews 12:1

Should we be surprised by rebellion?

Pride is defined as “a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own importance.” Rebellion is defined as “a person who rises against authority.” Rebellion comes from sin, which is defined as “a transgression against divine law.” Sin, pride, and rebellion started in the Garden of Eden and have passed through the generations to all mankind. That includes you and me. It includes those we marry and those we birth. As Pastor John MacArthur states, “Sin is in our nature, it’s in our disposition, it’s in our humanness. It’s not just in our physical body, it’s in our minds, it’s in our affections, it’s in our feelings, it’s in our emotions, it’s in our will.” 

So why are we so surprised by rebellion in our teenagers? Hebrews 12:1 speaks of the “sin that so easily entangles us.” When our sons and daughters go through adolescence, hormones hit hard. I believe hormones are just one way they try to “rise up and have dominion over their earth.” This is a confusing time for them and can often be a confusing time for us as parents. There were times I thought, “I never taught you to speak that way (disrespectfully),” or “Where did my sweet little boy go?”.

Hindsight showed me that the enemy was trying to rob, kill, and destroy the joy of those years. He confused my kids, which ultimately led to rebellious behaviors. They were blinded and disoriented. As parents, we need to remember that hormones and adolescence are a part of maturing and growing up. We need to help our teens navigate this transitional time with wisdom and grace. Children are a gift from God, and can be some of life’s greatest teachers—to the parent who is willing to learn. I hope to help you navigate these teenage years with sanity and grace.

Scriptures: Psalms 139:13-14, John 10:10, 2 Timothy 3:2-4, Luke 22:42, Ephesians 3:20

The Voices and the Choices

We live in a battlefield of good versus evil. I call it “the voices and the choices” or “the battle of the four WILLS.” These four wills are:

1.The will of God the Father. God designed each of us ON purpose, WITH purpose, and FOR a purpose. He is the Knitter and the Knower. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. God designed that we walk in harmony with His plan.

2.The will of the enemy. We have an enemy—a thief, who comes to rob, kill, and destroy us. He seeks death over life and has purposed to destroy all that is good and right. The battle is on!

3.Our own self will. Then we have to deal with our own self-will, our own selfish nature, and our own pride that wants our own way. Hormones in adolescence shows a rising up of this self-will. This is normal as we develop our own identity. The Lord wants us to mature into adulthood and into greater usefulness. However, the enemy fights to bring confusion during this transition.

4.The will of the other. This could be parents, a teacher, boss, or pastor. There are often many voices in our lives telling us what to do. Most of these voices mean well, but they are still other voices to contend with during formative teen years.

After watching this battle in my life for over half a century, I have come to realize that I don’t even want my will, my way or the consequences that are attached. In the same spirit of Jesus we say, “Not my will, but Thine, be done.” We know that His plan is greater than what we could hope or imagine. God’s will in God’s way.

Be aware of the battlefield and lean in to hear His voice over the voices of all others.

Scriptures: Ephesians 6:12, Psalms 18:39, Romans 8:1, 1 Peter 5:8, James 1:5, Philippians 4:6-7, Proverbs 3:5-6

Where is the Battle?

You do have an enemy, but it is not your child. It is not your people. In the heat of the battle, we need to understand the true battlefield.

When our youngest teen sons both decided to mess around with illegal drugs, we became fearful, worried, and upset about their choices. It felt like we were fighting with our teens. There was deceit in our home. Our tone of voice projected disappointment and shame. There was a battle going on and we thought it was us against them. However, there was an enemy coming to invade our home. Coming to rob, kill, and destroy our children.

We learned to stand and take authority over our household. We learned to ask God to bind the enemy and his work. We prayed in their bedrooms, over their decisions, over their cars, and for their friends. We were at war with an enemy who had penetrated our teens’ lives. We knew where the battle was. We also understood that our teens did not understand. They were confused and couldn’t possibly know the future implications of their bad choices. The enemy had blinded them.

During this often scary and heart-breaking time, we must know whom we are battling against. The Lord does not ever shame or condemn us, but He loves us and is faithful. James 1:5 states that He will give wisdom to all who ask. We decided it was better to spend more energy talking to God about our teens, than talking directly to them.

Each teen rebels in different ways. Some teens are quiet rebels who simply ignore our rules in quiet defiance. Some harbor secret sins. And some boldly do the exact opposite of what we ask. Rebellion has many forms, but there is one common denominator—the enemy. As parents, we must do battle on our knees. Our love must be wise and grace-filled. This difficult time can also bring real stress on our marriage. Stay the course. These are our people and our God is a faithful God. Pray, pray again, and then pray some more. Seek wisdom. Do not let your heart be anxious. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all things acknowledge Him and He will make the path straight. (See Proverbs 3:5-6.)

Scriptures: Matthew 7:1-2, 1 Peter 4:8, 1 Peter 5:5, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Galatians 5:22-23

Do not Take it Personally!

I am ashamed to say that I was offended by my teens’ rebellion. This was arrogance and immaturity on my part. I took their choices as a personal affront. As much as I hate to admit it, I was embarrassed. I felt like a total failure of a mom. I had never wanted my kids to hang around “them.” You know, those kids who do those unacceptable things like illegal drugs. Now we were the “them” no one wanted to hang around. How very humbling! 

I had attempted to be a wise mom who set boundaries, but to my children, I was a Pharisee with judgment toward “those sinners.” This was a confusing time for all of us. The enemy stirred up a lot of strife in our home. My only solid ground was the Word of God and the hope I held in Him alone. 

As parents, it is hard not to take our children’s actions personally—but it only makes us look arrogant and selfish. We are not the center of the world. Our sin is no better than their sin. We must never throw stones at the sin of another sinner. The enemy wants us to be angry with our sinner children. Humility and compassion are our only recourse, and it is only by God’s strength and the power of the Holy Spirit that we can navigate this posture. Our teens come from parents who are sinners, and it is in their human nature to sin. This was such a growing time in my walk with the Lord. I had many, many personal times crying out to Him for wisdom. 

1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that love is not quick to point out sin, but to cover it. Love is humble, kind, and compassionate. It will take a fresh, moment-by-moment filling of the Holy Spirit to walk through these difficult years with the fruit of peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Scriptures: Proverbs 14:12, Galatians 6:7-8, James 1:2-4, John 15:12, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 1 Corinthians 12:26

Let the Consequences be Their Teacher

Don’t bail your teenagers from the natural consequences of their decisions. Pain can be a great teacher. Let the pain reign. We often told our children, “Choices have consequences, so choose very carefully.” Sometimes it was hard to watch our children experience the outcome of their choices. Parents often want to save their children from pain. This takes away the great lesson of “cause and effect” which runs throughout all of life. Age brings experience, and experience brings wisdom and learning. The Word of God states that trials bring about the perfecting of our character. (See James 1.) Well, let some of that “perfecting” begin.

Author John Maxwell writes about the importance of learning by “Failing Forward.”

A toddler repeatedly falls in his attempt to learn to walk; yet we would never shame him for falling. We cheer him on. As our teens fall in their attempt to grow up, we must speak life-giving truths into their hearts. Our teens need to know that we love and believe in them no matter how hard they fall. We don’t love the sin, but we do love and root for the sinner. God shows us unconditional love. We can be a reflection of that love to our teens. This takes a lot of patience, wisdom, and maybe even some boundaries. 

We prayed over what consequences and boundaries we needed to enforce. We also decided to use that season as a great opportunity to study the book of Proverbs to learn the consequences of foolish living versus wise living. Our entire family was affected by our teens’ choices. In the end, this difficult chapter brought our family closer than I could have imagined. The consequences were real, but so was the love wrapped around them.

Scriptures: Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 6:6-9, 1 Chronicles 29:18-19

Rebellious Boys? Step in Dad!

The hormones in a teen boy cause them to want to rise up and have dominion over all of THEIR earth. This is not a bad thing. It prepares them to someday lead their own family. When my boys became teenagers, they began to push me away. At first, I was deeply offended. My husband relayed something he had been reading in John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart. Close to the time a boy turns 13, moms need to step AWAY and dads need to step IN.

Almost every young boy wants to grow up to be just like his dad. They want to go out and “chop down a tree” and show off their muscles. After hormones hit their body, they often push mom away in an effort to embrace manhood. And their interest in girls piques, since girls somehow no longer have cooties. Dad learned to step in and I learned to step back. It was extremely difficult for me, but I knew they would not speak to their father as they had been speaking to me. Man code wouldn’t allow such disrespect. They would more likely listen to him.

It is not the school’s or government’s responsibility to train our children. It is our responsibility. It is our duty to teach them diligently. This includes both mom and dad. The Scriptures are clear that dads must pray for and engage their children in the kind of deep, heart-to-heart conversations that impart more than facts, but teach wisdom. My husband started having the difficult teen discussions. He very intentionally carved out new time to hang out and have fun with them, whether they wanted to or not. We grounded them from their compromising friends, so they had little else to do in their free time. As my husband fostered a deeper relationship WITH them, they became more secure in his LOVE for them.

Scriptures: James 1:5, Colossians 1:9-14, 1 Corinthians 12:12, Proverbs 3:5-6

Pray for the Outside Influences

There was a time when our rebellious teens could not (or would not) listen to us. Our voices were like Lucy’s from the Peanuts cartoon. “Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa . . .”—in one ear, and out the other.

I began to pray that God would bring other people to speak truth into their lives. Remember the “4 Voices and 4 Choices” from Day 2 of this devo series? Our teens were listening to their own voice, the enemy’s voice, and their friends’ voices. We needed them to hear God’s voice. We prayed for wisdom and for other godly adults to walk this path with them. We sought out mission trip opportunities. We sought out youth pastors. We sought out other like-hearted dads who were close to them. We surrounded them with any voice of truth we could find.

The body of Christ is so important during difficult teenage years. We were grateful to be plugged into a church and life group where we could seek help. We asked others to meet with our teens and to speak truth into them—others whom they actually liked. We stayed on our knees. We remained involved in their lives. We continued to love them in ways they could understand and receive. Warm chocolate chip cookies became a frequent ministry in our home. But in the end, we simply had to rest and trust for God to do His work in their lives.

Scriptures: Matthew 11:28-30, 1 Peter 5:7, 2 Corinthians 12:9, John 15:5, Isaiah 40:31

Grace Upon Grace

The humbling part of parenting a rebellious teen is that we begin to question ourselves. Did we teach them the truth correctly? Were we terrible parents? Did we cause their rebellious choices? Were we too hard on them? Too easy on them? Too many boundaries? Not enough boundaries? In trying to find a reason for their behavior—something we could point to in blame—the enemy came to rob, kill, and destroy our joy. 

The best thing about coming to the end of our rope is that we found ourselves on our knees crying out to God. Matthew 11:28-30 became my theme. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”I needed rest for my weary, confused soul. I needed grace for my children and grace for myself. I clung to the verse “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”2 Corinthians 12:9

I also claimed the truth of John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”I knew that God loved our teens more than we did. He is a trustworthy God. I was weak and needed His strength.

In the end, we learned to extend grace. We could not cast a stone. We needed grace and we needed to extend grace. I fell more in love with the sinners, even as I was still angry about the sin. I learned grace and compassion as I watched them struggle with their sin and their lack of understanding. I don’t really believe that any of us try to get it wrong and totally mess up our lives. We are just blinded. We need wisdom, vision, and redemption accompanied by grace and love.

Scriptures: Proverbs 17:22, Zechariah 4:6, 1 Corinthians 13, Romans 5:8

Covered With Love 

Our teens often felt we were judgmental, pharisaical, and narrow-minded. I didn’t feel that way, but realize the enemy does whatever he can to hinder and confuse relationships. Instead of reacting to my teens, I asked the Lord for the ability to listen, love, and graciously walk away, if needed. When I realized the battle was not personal, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to see passed my own selfishness and be able to reach out to our hurting teens. In the middle of difficult conversations, I found myself saying, “Son, do you know that I love you? Do you know that you have an enemy who is trying to keep you from God’s best for your life?” Then I would walk away. I knew the fight was not mine.

We intentionally worked to build and restore our relationship with our teens. We sought to better understand them and for ways to laugh together. This laughter was medicine for our souls. (See Proverbs 17:22.) During this crazy, confusing time, the Lord changed our relationships and did a great work in all of us. I learned to focus on my love of the sinner—NOT the sin. My mother bear heart broke, but my intimacy with and trust in the Lord grew. This made me a better mother.

I began to see that they didn’t understand—actually, neither did I. However, we were family. By God’s power, I learned to love the sinners as Christ loved me. As I yielded to the work of the Holy Spirit, I learned to cover their sin with His love. This in no way altered the consequences, but I was able to see them in a clearer light—the light of the Gospel. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (See Romans 5:8.)

Scriptures: Psalms 34:18, Genesis 37:19-28, Genesis 39, Deuteronomy 31:8, Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:6-7, Ephesians 3:20

Death of the Vision

There are blessings on the other side of brokenness. My journey through the many years of teenage rebellion changed our family in such beautiful and profound ways, I would never want to go back to the woman I was before. The season of trial brought about the “perfecting of our character” as we yielded to God’s work in us during the hardship. 

The Bible tells of the many “deaths of vision” Joseph walked through. After Joseph’s early dream/vision of his brothers bowing down, he found himself in a pit (death#1), then sold as a slave (death #2), then falsely accused (death #3), then jailed (death #4), then his clothes were ripped off (death #5), etc. But the Word makes it clear that “God was WITH Joseph.” And He was orchestrating a much bigger story than Joseph could hope or imagine or understand. These were the truths I clung to as I walked through my own multiple deaths of vision.

God peeled away my fingers from control of my children. I realized that I was not in charge. Bill Johnson states, “In order to have a peace that surpasses all understanding, you have to give up your right to understand.” With each death of vision, I came to rest in the knowledge that God was with me and that He was bigger than the circumstances we were going through. I was drawn into a deeper knowledge of the sovereignty of my good, good Father. I wanted His will, His way, more than ever. The death of vision is a gift if we choose to walk through it in surrender to God’s greater will and purpose.

Scriptures: Philippians 4:8, 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Psalms 100:4, Ephesians 5:20, 1 Peter 5:8, 2 Corinthians 11:14, John 10:10, 2 Thessalonians 3:3

Seeking the Praiseworthy

In 2013, I wrote Are You Enough?. It is the account of our family’s journey navigating teen rebellion. This book seeks to encourage the overwhelmed and exhausted heart. I found myself discouraged during those difficult years. Rock bottom was my new normal. Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are challenged me to begin searching for and writing down “the praiseworthy” in my life. This gratitude journal launched me on a transformative journey that has proved to be an amazing anti-depressant for my life.

The vulture looks for death and decay and the hummingbird looks for life and nectar. They both find what they seek. The enemy wants us to focus on the negative; the have-nots. But God’s Word tells us to be grateful and focus on “that which is praiseworthy”—on our blessings.

It makes me really mad that the enemy comes to “rob, kill, and destroy” my joy. But what makes me even madder is that I am the one who willingly gives it up. Satan is subtle, cunning, and sneaky. If he can get us to whine and complain about our circumstances, then he has taken our joy. Or rather—we have given it to him. How we respond and where we choose to focus is our choice.

As I yielded my tough circumstances to God, He helped me “give thanks in all things.” He opened my eyes to see the good around me. This was the oxygen that I needed for my weary soul. The practice of gratitude is a life-giving habit that now helps me better navigate trials. We must simply choose to reframe our circumstances to find the good.

Even in the midst of the rebellion around me, I asked God to open my eyes and show me His gifts. It was a daily treasure hunt. This habit has become a true game-changer in my life. Whenever depression or doubt rear their ugly heads, I grab my gratitude journal, open my heart and eyes, and record His abundant gifts to me.

Does your life feel burdened or heavy? Is depression looming? May gratitude change your heart and your thinking. For me, it was critical for a life of JOY.

Scriptures: Philippians 4:6-7, 1 John 5:14, Matthew 6:6-8, Matthew 18:19-20, Romans 8:26-27

Less Talking More Praying

I verbally process all of the time. Words, words, words! During the difficult teenage chapter of my life there was an onslaught of other things simultaneously happening. While my teens were lying, my parents were dying. We were in a deep financial valley, not to mention that I was very menopausal just to name a few. I was so overwhelmed. I was definitely at the proverbial “end of my rope”. It was a difficult, beautiful, stripping, exhausting time. 

In my attempts to have a grateful heart I wrote: “Thank you Lord for wanting my whole heart, my whole mind and my whole soul…so much…that you would strip everything away and leave me with a sweet emptiness that demands that I lay at rest in Your arms.” This new perspective of Him totally pursuing me no matter what it took brought a deep rest and peace after exhaustion. I gave up the battle. I surrendered to “Not mine but Thine” once again. I stopped talking as much and started praying more. I was tired of words. My words! Their words! I just wanted to be held by a good good God that was a good good Father to all of us. I needed to lead my family with a deep rest in my soul.

This started a beautiful season of prayer, trust and intimacy. I prayed about everything and trusted God to hear.I refused to enter a battle that I could not win but trusted His timing. I found a deep rest.

Do you find yourself at the “end of the rope”? What a good place to be if it leads your control-freak nature to a beautiful surrender in the Lord. This can be a transforming place where humility and weakness reveal His true strength and purposes for your life. May it be so.

Scriptures: 2 Samuel 7:28, Psalms 33:4, Hebrews 13:5-9, Romans 8:28, Isaiah 61:3, Lamentations 3:22-23, Joel 2:22, Psalms 119:114, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Proverbs 30:5

Standing on His Promises, My Solid Ground 

Where was any solid ground in my shaky world of 4 teenagers navigating various forms of rebellion and rising up? What could I count on? Only God’s word is trustworthy. His promises are true. What God says he will do, he will do. I needed to hang on to His promises! I needed some solid ground!

There are times, however, when it feels as if God has failed us. Does He really know what is going on in our household? How long is long enough to wait on an answered prayer? Very often in the midst of our grief and brokenness, we cannot see the big picture. We cannot know what God was doing. How long do I pray and hope and believe? Till death do I part? Yes!!!

Scripture affirms time and time again that God never fails. His Word is the same yesterday, today and forever. We must remember in times of desperation and grief that we may not be seeing God’s good and gracious purpose from our current vantage point. This is when we have to trust in God’s promises. He is the Knower and He knows what is going on when I truly do not! I do not have the mind of God nor His eternal perspective. That is where I rested.

When you feel faithless or hopeless, when you believe that God has left you, take refuge in His Word. It has stood the test of time. Let it be your shield. Let it be your source of protection. His promises can be fully trusted, no matter what our circumstances may be.

I counted on Him to work “all things together for the good” as I loved Him and wanted His best for our family. I counted on Him to make “beauty from ashes” and to “restore what the locusts had eaten”. I needed His mercies to “be new every morning” and Him to “be strong when I was weak”. These scriptures become my lifeline of hope, rest and peace. I couldn’t trust my teens. Heck, I couldn’t even trust myself. I came to a resting place where I chose a quiet resolve and a confident trust in the Trustworthy One. 

His Word and His promises were the solid ground in my shaky world.

Scriptures: Luke 16:10, James 4:8, Jeremiah 29:11, John 15:4-6, Jeremiah 33:3, 2 Peter 3:18, John 17:3, Matthew 6:33

The Test and the “Secret Sauce

I remember growing up hearing blurbs on the TV set that said “This is a test. This is simply a test of the emergency broadcasting system”. Since those days, I often hear a still small voice say “This is a test. This is only a test. If you can pass this test I have greater things for you.” Now this is just what happens in my mind but scriptures confirms that if we can be faithful in the small things that He will give us greater things. Isn’t that some kind of a test as well?

I came to believe that God was pursuing me through everything. He had more for me. He used this season of navigating those teen years to draw me to Him. It was a difficult yet beautiful surrendering time. Desperation took me to surrender but Love lifted me up and met me.

In the stars and all of creation, I could see that He was beckoning me to something richer and deeper than the treadmill of busyness and performance that this world offered me. I was hungry for more. The intimate love relationship that He offers is like none other. When I am totally enraptured in His love, wholeness and purposes then my “other people” fade in the background of His extended purpose. His love spills out of my intimate relationship with Him and into the lives of those I love.

Realizing that my FIRST purpose is to know HIM and His love for me, I decided to enter into a rich slow dance with Jesus. I needed to slow down my world and enter into an unfailing deep love relationship.

· In a slow dance we are close, actually intimate

· In a slow dance I can hear His whisper, as my ear is close

· In a slow dance He is holding me on solid ground

· In a slow dance we go together wherever we go

· In a slow dance He is carrying me. He is my strength

· In a slow dance, His love is completely satisfying

This is the “secret sauce” of all of life. Him in me and I in Him. Intimacy with the Knitter, the Knower, the Redeemer, the Restorer. Nothing else satisfies like this. All other relationships pale behind this solid ground. My safe and Holy place.

Slow down. Breathe. Enter into the tender slow dance of intimacy with Him…Your Holy and safe secret place.