Overcoming Porn

Scriptures: Genesis 2:18-25, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

Understand Today’s Greatest Counterfeit: Porn

All you have to do is get on social media or stream the latest movie to witness varied views of sex, marriage, and relationships. Some see sex as a meaningless, purely physical act. Others portray sex as some kind of ultimate achievement in life. Still, others say sex is dirty or that sexual desire is something God frowns upon. 

Today, an entire generation has been introduced to a false view of sex through pornography. Porn is a stark contrast to the sexual ethic that Jesus affirmed; it is a counterfeit that causes great harm to self, relationships, and society. 

How does porn harm a person? Watching porn releases dopamine in the brain, resulting in feelings of pleasure. Repeatedly watching porn leads to fixed neurological pathways and can result in an addiction that is extremely difficult to break. As the high diminishes, a user may desire more porn or porn that is more explicit or taboo. 

Consistent porn use also leads to frontal lobe atrophy, resulting in a loss of control over behaviors and impaired decision-making. It can lead to toxic stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental and emotional challenges. Recent research even shows that porn can lead to erectile dysfunction, problems with arousal or reaching orgasm, and decreased sexual satisfaction. 

As if individual harms were not enough, porn harms relationships. It is directly responsible for fueling the use and abuse of others, presenting them as mere commodities for one’s sexual appetites. In addition, porn teaches that sexual pleasure is to be taken, not given, and it teaches unrealistic expectations for sex. Further, married couples who watch porn are twice as likely to get divorced, and spouses of porn users often experience feelings of betrayal and rejection. 

Porn also harms society. Its use leads many to devalue monogamy, marriage, and child-rearing. It fuels sexism and sexual objectification, harassment, abuse, and violence. The porn industry profits from nonconsensual content and the abuse of others and is strongly linked with human trafficking. In recent years, porn has also led to an increase in child-on-child sexual abuse. 

All of this grieves God’s heart. God created us to flourish, to have healthy relationships, and to respect and value other human beings in thought and deed. If you’ve experienced the harm that porn brings, know this: God cares for you. Freedom is possible. 

God, You created sex and sexual pleasure for good. Help me seek what is good and set what is harmful aside. Bring healing and hope to my life and to all who have been hurt by porn.

Scriptures: Romans 7:15, Romans 7:21-25, Psalms 145:16

Identify How and Why You Struggle

Perhaps you’re reading this because you struggle with porn or masturbation. Maybe you find yourself going back to it over and over, despite your best efforts to stop. Understand that your porn use is not random. It’s not merely a result of lust or sinful desire. There is a reason why you look at porn, and you must discover that reason if you want to experience freedom. 

God creates every human being with desires—or heart longings—that drive everything we do. The Bible lists seven, including our need to be accepted and appreciated, the assurance of safety, and the affirmation of our feelings. All of our actions, thoughts, beliefs, and choices are ways we try to get our desires met. When we are unable to find healthy ways to fulfill our desires, we turn to unhealthy behaviors. 

I have personal experience with this. Growing up, I faced deep hurt, confusion, and trauma. I lived with bullying, my father’s anger, depression, and a deep sense that I didn’t belong anywhere. I even thought of suicide. At an early age, I became addicted to porn, and I continued to struggle with it for years despite my best efforts to quit. My addiction finally began to go away when I started to explore the deeper reasons I went to porn and how to experience what I was truly longing for. It was only then that God started to bring true healing; today, I’ve been free from porn and masturbation for over 9 years. 

I discovered that I watched porn to find pseudo-acceptance and love when I felt rejected and inadequate. When I felt unwanted and unloved, porn was there. I felt desired and pursued by the people on the screen. I watched porn to feel a sense of safety when all else felt unsafe in my life. Perhaps you struggle with porn due to any number of these reasons. God invites us to begin to shed our porn use as we learn what we are longing for in it and experience fulfillment through Him and one another. Begin by questioning your porn use rather than simply condemning it. What leads you to look at porn? What are you longing for or desiring in it? 

In addition, to grow, we need to move towards healthy relationships with both God and people. We need to be honest with ourselves, God, and safe people about our fears, struggles, hopes, and dreams. We need support each day from God and others. Spend time with God each day, allowing Him to speak to you through His Word and being aware of His presence throughout each day. Allow Him to meet the longings of your heart. Reach out to others each day and process the good and the bad. 

God, please help me understand what I am looking for. Help me be honest with myself and with You. Give me faith to trust that You can help me.

Scriptures: 1 John 1:7-9, James 5:16, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Get into a Spiritual and Relational Growth Environment

One of the biggest drivers in our use of porn is a desire for deep relational connectedness. Everyone desires to be known, loved, and accepted. People were created as relational beings by a triune God who has eternally existed as one God in three persons—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. 

We need relationships. Research shows that loneliness is as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Further, lonely people are 50% more likely to die prematurely. An 80-year Harvard University study found that good relationships keep us happier and healthier. We all have needs that can only be met through other people. We must develop friendships with safe people who won’t judge us, offer unsolicited advice, or tell our business to others. Friendships with people who will simply listen, offer encouragement, and ask how they can help. 

For years I stayed trapped in porn addiction and a multitude of other struggles by isolating myself rather than engaging in a healthy spiritual and relational environment. I seriously limited my growth by occasionally sharing how I was really doing and what I was struggling with. In 1 John 1:7, we are instructed to walk in the light, have fellowship with others, and be cleansed from all sin by Jesus. Walking in the light is a daily lifestyle of being fully transparent with Jesus and safe people about our emotional well-being and struggles. Implementing this into my life is one of several steps that God used to set me free from porn and masturbation over nine years ago. 

If the God-given longings of our hearts are met in healthy ways, we will feel valued, capable, lovable, important, understood, embraced, and secure. We’ll experience a life of wholeness. Doesn’t this sound like the thriving life we all long for? It is possible, but only in the context of a relationship with God and others. 

Healing begins when we connect rather than cope and develop a lifestyle of reaching out rather than acting out. We can aim for a life of no secrets, where each day we are known, loved, supported, and connected with God and others. 

God, help me to find safe friends who can help me walk in the light with You. Help me to be a safe friend to others.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 10:13, 1 Peter 5:5-11

Press “Pause” on Old Patterns and Process the Pain

In overcoming porn use, we don’t just “fall” into unhealthy choices. We go through recurring patterns and cycles before ending in places we swore we’d never go to again. We experience unmet longings, start believing lies, and then respond with unhealthy behaviors. What we need is help in the moments our reactive thinking and feelings begin. We need support, encouragement, and help. 

When you encounter a situation where a longing goes unmet, where you’re tempted to turn to porn—take a moment to “press pause.” Walk through this process: 

1. Identify the unmet longing you’re feeling. Is it rejection, worry, or anger? Do you feel unsafe, unappreciated, or lonely? What happened today, yesterday, or last week that brought this on? 

2. Acknowledge the God-given longing that underlies that sensation. For example, if you’re feeling rejected, you’re feeling an unmet longing for acceptance. If you’re feeling insecure, the God-given longing is for an assurance of safety. 

3. Counter lies and negative self-talk with the truth. For example, “I’m feeling worthless and inadequate, but God says I am of great worth in His sight.” Or, “I feel rejected, but I know that I matter and am accepted by God and the people in my life.” 

4. Seek the fulfillment of that longing in healthy ways. Call or text a friend or mentor. Share that you feel devalued, process that with them, and ask them to remind you of your true identity. Being open with safe people can help us understand why we return to destructive behaviors, and help us recover and eventually prevent unhealthy choices. 

5. Reach out to God. Tell Him how you are feeling and why, and close your eyes and visualize His love and acceptance of you. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you believe the truth and to continue to experience freedom. 

Repeating these steps when you experience a situation that leads to unmet longings can reprogram your heart and rewire your brain. Just as porn use releases dopamine in our brains, connecting in meaningful ways with other human beings also releases dopamine. This beautifully displays that rather than coping with porn, we can receive what we are longing for, even down to a neuroscientific level, in the healthy ways God designed for us. With His help, we can overcome unwanted behaviors and thrive in life by taking responsibility for our personal growth. 

God, help me put this advice into practice next time I am tempted. Prompt me to pause and process. Help me to remember and rely on Your promises.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 7:1-9, Matthew 19:4-6, Romans 12:1-2

Cultivate a New Vision for Sex, Marriage, and Singleness

Perhaps you learned a distorted view of sex through society, porn, or unhealthy religious teachings. What beliefs or perceptions do you need to change as you move away from addiction and towards healing? 

Explore healthy, biblical, and accurate teachings on sex. Jesus taught a sexual ethic that was about human flourishing. He taught that sex was something deeply spiritual and sacred, yet not ultimate. Jesus taught that in marriage, a man and a woman are united in a lifetime relationship (Mark 10:5–9). God’s design for sex was given for procreation (Genesis 1:28), bonding (Genesis 2:24), pleasure (Proverbs 5:18–20), and to foreshadow eternity in heaven, where we will be united in a deeply relational way with Jesus (Matthew 22:30, Ephesians 5:31–32). 

Some think marriage should only last as long as romantic feelings last; that’s a recipe for disaster. Love is no mere feeling; it requires action (1 John 3:18). It is choosing to provide for someone’s needs and to protect them from harm. Love is an ongoing choice. A faithful marriage is a beautiful model of God’s love (Hebrews 13:4). 

Some argue that monogamy is boring and that having multiple sexual partners brings greater happiness. Still, research shows that those who experience the greatest satisfaction in their sex lives have only one sexual partner for a lifetime. This is consistent with God’s design. Further, sexual activity releases neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. While dopamine gives pleasure, oxytocin deeply bonds people emotionally and relationally. As the two increasingly pursue sexual activity, they experience a greater and more satisfying connection. 

In addition, some think that marriage is some kind of ultimate achievement in the Christian life, while singleness is a lesser pathway. Yet the Bible describes marriage and singleness as equal ways of honoring God. One is not better than the other. Jesus was single, Paul was single, and everyone in life will be single–whether for a lifetime, prior to marriage, or after a spouse dies. Both marriage and singleness are gifts from God (1 Corinthians 7:7). Our primary purpose in life, whether single or married, is to love God and love others. 

God, please help me to rid myself of porn’s lies. Teach me what Your Word says about sex, marriage, singleness, and my purpose in life.