Pride and Shame

Scriptures: Proverbs 21:4, Isaiah 2:12, James 4:6

PRIDE

The text message from my wife was troubling: “Our son got in trouble three times at school today.” This was very uncharacteristic of him (thankfully), and while part of me wanted to overlook it as an uncommon occurrence, my wife and I both knew that a consequence was needed to drive home the point that his behavior was unacceptable. When he got home from school that day, we talked about what happened and he received his consequence. My wife and I worried about how he would respond (would his behavior escalate as a result?), but he handled it like a champ. The next morning, we both talked about how proud we were of his response. 

This is the good kind of pride, the kind that focuses on and recognizes the value and goodness in another person, especially someone or something we feel in some way responsible for. This is the natural pride of loving what is good and celebrating it among the people around us. 

But then there is a different kind of pride – a pride that is more about self than it is about others. This pride centers around me (what I have done, what I possess, how I look – all of my “credentials”) and rather than celebrating others, it can actually work against them. Pride is often the fuel of self-promotion, self-protection, and self-praise, with self being the common denominator. This kind of pride loves to do good not for the sake of the good itself but for how it makes me look. Pride is sometimes hard to spot because it can so easily masquerade as virtue. 

But when we allow pride to creep in (or when we throw open the front door to it), we find ourselves like the proverbial cat up the tree: enjoying the view from our high perch but unaware that there is no easy way down. Scripture clearly illustrates this: throughout the Old and New Testaments, the proud are typically referred to in the context of being brought low. God simply won’t stand for it; He will deal with it in our lives and get rid of it. 

Sometimes, however, the most painful consequence of our pride comes not from God Himself but from our own self-criticism – when pride takes a nosedive. When this happens, our self-approval turns to self-judgment, and it’s remarkable how skilled we can be at piling it upon ourselves. And we call the emotion that accompanies this, shame. 

Is there an antidote to this deadly, destructive pride? Yes there is, but before we reveal it, we have to give shame a closer look and discover that pride and shame really are two sides of the same coin. 

Prayer: Father, it is clear that You take a very dim view of pride and oppose it wherever You see it. Teach me how to let go of my pride and embrace You instead. Show me in the life of Your Son how to do this, and let me walk in His ways instead. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Romans 8:1, Ephesians 2:1-9, Romans 6:12-14

SHAME
“You should be ashamed of yourself!” 

Ever heard those words before? From a teacher, a parent . . . or perhaps even yourself? Shame (and its close cousin guilt) is one of the most effective tools for emotional manipulation, and while it can have an outwardly positive effect on our behavior (at least in the short run), more often it simply reinforces the negative thought patterns that motivated us to do wrong in the first place. Shame in our minds and in our hearts can make us feel bad for what we’ve done, but it’s powerless to ensure we’ll do right the next time. In reality, it churns us more than it turns us. 

And that’s the enemy’s strategy. 

The enemy doesn’t want us to turn away from wrongdoing, but he does want to make us feel bad for doing it, and he walks a fine line to make sure our negative feelings don’t lead to real action. The longer he can keep us both miserable and unrepentant, the better. Once he’s got us there, he wants us to stay there. 

In light of the misery that shame can bring, it seems a far cry from the selfish pleasure of pride – how can the two possibly be connected? Pride is usually a positive emotion (even if misguided), whereas shame . . . not so much. What’s the link? 

The connection is the self. Both pride and shame flourish in the heart and mind of a person who is focused primarily on his or herself. Both of them center around what I’ve done (good or bad) and how I perceive myself (good or bad), and they both tend to ride on the waves of performance and the whims of opinion. When I perform well, I’m proud of myself, but when I don’t perform well, I’m ashamed of myself. When everyone looks at me and admires me and says great things about me, I’m proud of myself, but when they talk about me behind my back, ridicule me, and laugh at me, I’m ashamed of myself. A young girl may feel proud that she is dating the most popular guy in school and then shame when she ends up pregnant. 

Are we hopelessly caught in this cycle of performance and others’ opinions? Is there any alternative to this sort of existence? Yes, there is . . . but the solution is more radical than you might think. 

Prayer: Lord, thank You for not manipulating me through shame, but for drawing me away with Your grace. Help me identify those areas of my life where shame has a hold on me and help me to recognize that the enemy would like nothing more than to keep me trapped there. You, Lord, offer a different way, and because Your Son made the way – because He is the Way – I can live free of that shame as I cling tightly to Him and the forgiveness He offers. Teach me to do that in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Scriptures: James 4:10, Proverbs 11:2, Luke 14:7-11

HUMILITY

What is the radical solution to pride and shame?

Humility.

If that doesn’t sound very radical . . . it really is. To be humble in this day and age is to defy all cultural norms. Our society (like most societies in history) holds up performance and public opinion as the two great defining bastions of self-worth. Those who perform get applauded and rewarded, while those who fail to do so largely get ignored.

This is not to minimize the value of performance or the opinions of others. Those who have “performed” well have been responsible for many of the great advancements in history. This is not an advocacy for idleness, nor is it a total dismissal of what others think about us. It is, instead, a recognition that performance and others’ opinions can never be the basis of a fulfilled life. Humility is required for that.

What exactly is humility? It is not, as some might believe, thinking less of ourselves (which is a kernel of the shame we are trying to avoid) – it is thinking of ourselves less. It is being so concerned with others that we turn our attention toward them rather than ourselves. And this “attention” is not a disguise for gossip, envy, or jealousy . . . it is an earnest desire to see the best come to those around us – even if it costs us something in the process.

Humility is the antidote to both pride and shame because it eliminates (or at least minimizes) the common denominator between the two – self. When self is removed from our mental picture, pride and shame have a hard time surviving – much less thriving. A humble person will still feel good about the things they’ve accomplished, and they will still value the opinions of others, but they will do so not from an insecure place of pride and shame but from a secure place of pre-determined identity and outward focus that strives to fill up others rather than be filled up by them.

This is the kind of life that God wants us to live, so much so that He promises grace to those who will humble themselves and live according to it. It is, at its core, a choice, but it is a choice that we are more apt to make if we can grasp a few important truths on the front end. Next we’ll identify those and discover why they’re so important to a life of humility.

Prayer: Lord, teach me to be humble. Help me to learn humility not through humiliation but through a willing decision to put others first and to consider their needs above my own. Your Son did this even though He had every reason not to be humble. He could have demanded service but instead chose to serve and to give His life for those who would die without it. Help me to imitate Him in my everyday life and to know what it means to be humble and to let You do the exalting. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Scriptures: 2 Timothy 1:7, Romans 8:5-9, Galatians 5:22-23

SPIRIT

What truths to do we need to take hold of in order to live a life of humility? 

First and foremost, we need to take to heart the opening line of Rick Warren’s, The Purpose-Driven Life: “It’s not about you.” 

This may seem a little, um . . . obvious, but so often in our culture we lose sight of this. Our lives tend to revolve around a planet of one, and anything not within that tiny orbit has a tendency to get neglected. But we can’t pin this all on our society; our flesh is wired for exactly the same thing. The flesh is concerned for only one thing – itself – and will go to great lengths to promote and indulge it. 

And this is where Christ steps in and sets us free from a life of fleshly indulgence. He came not only as an example of someone who lived a godly life but to also provide us the power to do it. Those who put their faith in Christ receive the gift of the Holy Spirit – the Spirit of power – and this Spirit allows us to do things that we would otherwise be impossible if we were only controlled by our flesh. 

For instance, the ability to love others. Genuinely love them. Not just treat them nicely when it suits us or when we feel like it, but love them the way Christ loves us. Love naturally brings humility because it takes the focus off of us and onto the object of our love. 

When we live a life of love, we experience something far greater than the fleeting happiness of the flesh: we experience joy. Joy is what springs from deep in our souls when the will of God is accomplished in our life and in the lives of others – the fulfillment of what we were created for. And it carries with it a great deal of peace . . . another fruit of the Spirit. 

All of this is a long way from the self-focus of shame and pride that we seek to escape. Those no longer have a hold on us because He has a hold on us. He will never let us go, He has forgiven us and given us His Spirit, and that Spirit enables us to live a life free of the shame and pride that once dominated us. But it requires a conscious choice on our part to lean into that Spirit, to yield to Him, and to say no to our old life of being dominated by our flesh. 

Is this easier said than done? Of course it is. But if doing so means living a life free of shame and pride, it’s probably worth the effort. And if the Son of God died in order to bring us this life – we should do everything we can to take advantage of it. How to accomplish this is where we’ll turn our attention next. 

Prayer: Dear Lord, You modeled humility like no one else, coming to earth as a man, serving humanity, and ultimately giving Your life to see the world redeemed. You had every right to be proud, and you had nothing to be ashamed of, but You rejected both pride and shame and instead chose the way of humility out of obedience to Your Father. Thank You for giving us Your Spirit that allows us to do the same. In Your name, Amen.

Scriptures: Psalms 119:105, Ephesians 6:16-18, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, John 15:10-11

HOW?

As you’ve probably guessed (or experienced), there is no silver bullet when it comes to avoiding pride and shame. Likewise, there is no magic formula for pursuing the love and joy of an others-focused life, but there are some practices that can lead us in that direction.

Perhaps nothing is more powerful than the dynamic duo of Scripture and prayer. Scripture is God’s word to us, and prayer is our word back to Him. Investing time and energy into both can yield huge dividends in our lives when it comes to saying no to the flesh and walking in the Spirit of God. God’s word reminds us of who we are in Christ – our spiritual identity – and then gives us insight into how we are to live as a result. Prayer allows us to voice our love and adoration back to God, to be honest about our struggles, and to rest in the grace and favor that He offers us. These are the foundations of a Spirit-driven life.

The next step is simple but profound: obedience. Obedience is how we take the love and devotion we feel in our hearts and express it back to God. Obedience must be Spirit-led if it is to be lasting and meaningful – and obedience always means saying no to our flesh.

Other practices can help us as well, such as spending time with other believers who are walking the same journey of faith; developing habits like scripture memory, listening to Christian music, going to church, etc. – but these practices are ineffective if not grounded in a vibrant relationship with Christ that is centered around His word (reading, understanding, and obeying it) and bringing our whole selves to God in prayer. It is these practices that will truly lead us into the life we want to live.

In this way, Scripture and prayer can become both our foundation and our fortress – giving us a firm footing as we walk through life and protecting us against the pride and shame that try to lure us away from its Source. Pride and shame should no longer have control over us if we are believers in Christ, and to the extent that we allow them to control our thoughts and our actions, we are forfeiting the victory that Christ has won to overcome them.

So let’s center ourselves on Him and put our pride and shame in the rear-view mirror of His amazing grace. From time to time they may still clamor from the back seat for our attention, but they will no longer be our drivers. That seat is already taken.

Prayer: Dear Lord, how good it is to know You and to be Your child. How gracious of You to set us free from the pride and shame that would otherwise consume us. Teach us how to abide in You, how to walk by Your Spirit, and how to live a life of love and humility. Draw us close to You – so close that we are too enamored with Your grace to pay any attention to the beckoning of pride or shame. Be our everything, that we may love and serve You with our everything. In Your name, Amen.