Rebuilding A Marriage Better Than New

Scriptures: Revelation 21:5, Romans 15:13, Psalms 43:5

If God showed us a timeline of all the occurrences that would happen in our lives, we would most assuredly start hyperventilating and bargaining with Him to reroute the path ahead of us. In no way, shape or form would we ever think we could survive such difficult circumstances. Death of a loved one, infidelity by a spouse, the loss of every material possession we own. It’s more than our finite minds can even begin to fathom. And because of that, He doesn’t show us. Instead, He gives us the grace we need to get through things as they come. 

Ever been here? To the place of life-altering change within a matter of hours or minutes? You’re going about your day, doing your daily routine, clearly expecting to find what you normally find on that day, and then BAM! Nothing is the same and everything is different.

Whether your marriage has endured betrayal that left you wishing for death or you’ve just managed to become roommates in a stale, marital environment, I pray you find hope for the next six days of this plan. But you have to make the effort. You can’t want your way into a healthy action. 

You have to commit to doing it. You have to step through the pain and difficulty, through the sacrifice and discomfort that will be present on this journey. My pastor, Craig Groeschel, says, “It’s often the things that no one sees that result in the things that everyone wants.” It is a daily choice to do the things that need to be done to have what we want to have.

Hope seems to be in short supply these days. Maybe that’s because we are looking to the wrong sources to find it. It is not found in a possession or a human being. It is found in the One True God. The Creator of the Universe. Our Abba. Let’s seek Him like never before in our happy days and in our brutally difficult days. For He is always near and will never, ever, ever forsake us.

Food for thought: Where is your marriage today? Would you rank it high, low or somewhere in the middle? Discuss this with your spouse and name one thing that you will commit to doing to begin to see change.

Scriptures: Proverbs 6:16-19, 1 John 3:18, Psalms 103:12

Marriages need honesty. Gut-level, all-out-on-the-table honesty. Outwardly, we have this black and white hatred for deception, but if we do an autopsy on ourselves, an entire layer of acceptable deception is revealed at the same time. Typically, most people have an entire list of lies that they don’t consider wrong and then a separate list of deceptions that are absolutely wrong. We tell half-truths and exaggerate until our story makes us look the hero. But the truth is, there is no difference in any of these. A lie is a lie. No matter how white or little it is.
 
God is pretty clear in Scripture concerning how He feels about lying. In the passage in Proverbs it says there are seven things that are detestable to Him. Out of those seven things that God detests, two of them have to do with lying. That’s 29 percent! We better pay close attention to what we say and make sure it is honest.
 
God’s love for us never fails. We are His people. He wants more for us than humans can even imagine. But that doesn’t mean that we can just cheapen grace by lying, fully knowing that God will forgive us. He most certainly will forgive us. But we must still choose to be a people of truth. If we are not careful, one simple lie can turn into another. And another. And another. Before we are even aware of the web we’ve spun, we are living a deceitful life and can’t tell what is actual and what is fabricated.
 
When you choose to turn over a new leaf by living a life of honesty, God will send His gentle conviction to fall on you. Guilt is not of God. It’s directly from Satan, and it virtually paralyzes you. Conviction, on the other hand, is from the Holy Spirit, and it motivates you to make a change.
 
God’s ways are perfect. Just as He is truth and speaks truth, He wants you to be a person of truth as well. And He will stop at nothing to help you succeed in building a strong character so that your marriage can withstand the struggles that come your way. Don’t give up.
 
Food for thought: Think about a lie you have told. Why did you tell it? Play the scene out in your mind had you chosen to speak the truth in love.

Scriptures: Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 62:8, Jeremiah 17:7-9

I love that God gives us earthly relationships to bring us joy, comfort and companionship. I could not be more thankful for this. Yet sometimes relationships don’t go as planned. Trust is often broken, and when we lose trust in someone, it rocks us. We literally feel like we’ve lost our footing and have no idea where the next step is. Especially when it’s someone close to us.

We will all break someone’s trust at some point. Whether it is a “little white lie,” or a betrayal like infidelity, trust can be restored. Here are three helpful ways to help in restoring trust:

Embrace mutual brokenness. The defensiveness that comes from pointing the finger has more to do with the person pointing than with the person being pointed at. It illustrates the pointer’s unwillingness to address his or her own issues. When we embrace mutual brokenness, we embrace this truth: we all need God’s grace. Acceptance of our mutual brokenness means we are profoundly aware of our own depravity.

Remain patient in healing. Healing does not happen overnight, so the path to rebuilding trust requires a willingness to wait and endure the discomfort of moving forward without guarantees. My husband says that if someone, who has broken the trust of their spouse through betrayal, isn’t willing to spend the rest of their days earning trust back without defensiveness, then they lack perspective of what they deserve in light of the opportunity they have been given. 

Walk in the Holy Spirit. Walking in the Holy Spirit, instead of our own power, is the only way lasting healing will emerge. We walk in the Holy Spirit by strengthening it. How do we do this? We feed it. When we feed the spirit, the flesh will starve. If we nurture our spirit within, we will have an awareness of God’s leading. Before we make choices in life, we must ask, “Is this going to propel me closer to God or further away from Him?”

While God wants us to be trustworthy people and have people in our lives whom we can trust, only God can be absolutely trusted. He will never fail us, leave us or forsake us. He comforts completely and guides perfectly. Trust Him.

Food for thought: Is it difficult or easy for you to trust God? Why? Do you find it easier to place your trust in a person? Why?

Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 2:2-4, Colossians 3:17

Expectations. We all have them. And because we have them, we all typically experience disappointment. Because what we expect doesn’t always line up with reality. 

What has it been for you? Did you have lofty dreams of how your marriage would be? We fall into this expectation trap in our relationships all the time. We expect someone to do something for us at a specific time or in a specific setting. Sometimes we expect them to do it because they said they would. Other times we place expectations on them because they play a certain role in our lives and, well, they should just know. The problem is, we didn’t tell them.

I have found four transformative ways to help us go from disappointment to encouragement in our marriages when it comes to expectations:

Let your spouse off the hook. You have placed expectations on your spouse that he or she will never be able to meet. You are expecting them to meet your every need and desire. This is completely unrealistic. Flip the scenario. Would you like for your spouse to expect perfection from you? I didn’t think so.

When you do have realistic expectations, tell your spouse. Don’t expect him or her to read your mind. Just talk to your spouse about what you expect and what you need. And allow him or her to tell you how realistic or unrealistic that is. 

Surrender your expectations for your life, your marriage, your family and your future to God. We expect and desire good things in our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. But we hold on to those ideals, often with white knuckles, and we don’t want to let them go. Though all along, God is saying, “Trust me with your dreams. I have something so much better than what you are holding on to.” God has our best interests in mind. Doesn’t it make sense to turn over our dreams to him?

Become a student of your spouse. Study them. Get to know them better than you think you do. Learn how they think. And learn what their needs are and how they feel loved.

Expectations in and of themselves are not bad. But we do have to manage them, be realistic about them and surrender them to God. 

Food for thought: Think about a time recently when your spouse disappointed you. What happened? Was your expectation realistic? 

Scriptures: Genesis 45:1-8, Romans 8:28, Romans 8:35-39

It stinks being mistreated, doesn’t it? To be the brunt of someone’s joke or to be picked on persistently by someone hurts to the core. It could happen to us at work, at home or even at church. The mistreatment could come in the form of name-calling or disrespect. It might be something more serious, like physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

There are true victims in this world. People who have been attacked, injured, robbed, or even murdered. My guess is that we could all don the label “victim” at some point in our lives. There are people who play the victim card and don’t really have a right to. They have a “victim mentality.” When someone has that mindset, they basically blame everyone for all that has happened to them and they take no responsibility for anything. It’s never their fault.

I don’t ever want to be that person. Do you? But sometimes we are, because it doesn’t hurt as bad to shift blame away from ourselves or even away from someone we love. Being married brings its own set of challenges. Even without infidelity or another type of betrayal, it’s hard work to have a healthy, strong marriage. Sometimes our wounds are so deep and so comfortable that we just stay in a place of self-pity, which turns into a victim mentality. 

Only God can transform us from victim to victor. Here are a couple of ways to help you:

Choose forgiveness. Everyone wants forgiveness for the things we do wrong to the people in our lives. But we are far less generous handing over forgiveness when a wrong has been done to us. Choosing to forgive people for hurting you is a choice you will spend the rest of your life making. 

Remember that God can use anything for good. What may have been meant for evil in your life can be used by God for good. I’ve seen Him use the most awful circumstances for a bigger, broader purpose that you and I can’t see. There is a bigger picture. And once you’ve found some healing from the immense pain, ask God to show you what it is. Your pain can be redeemed.

Food for thought: Do you typically take responsibility for your actions, or do you shift the blame to someone or something else? If you are a blame shifter, why do you do that?

Scriptures: Matthew 18:20, Galatians 6:2, 1 Thessalonians 5:11

My husband, Chris, and I have logged many hours on porches. Our porch experiences matter to us. It isn’t so much about the porch but about having a safe, comfortable place to be together as a couple to talk up a storm or sit in silence. It doesn’t matter what we do as long as we are connecting, because finding your porch is about connecting with each other as a couple. So, what’s your porch?

We have some tools that have helped us tremendously in strengthening our marriage. These ideas might at first appear simple, but as you incorporate them into your marriage you will realize how valuable they are.

Pray together. Don’t be intimidated by this. Praying is such an intimate thing to do which is why many Christian couples don’t do it. The difference prayer has made in our spiritual lives and in our marriage can’t be calculated. Begin today. Even if it’s a simple, one-minute prayer. Just pray.

Talk about everything and talk about nothing. Sometimes in marriages it seems that only the heavy topics are discussed. No wonder we want to avoid conversation with our spouse. Sometimes talking about nothing is therapeutic. So, we talk about the serious stuff, but we also talk about the weather or how we can keep our Yorkie from peeing on the carpet or how much we like our pool vacuum. Just talk.

Commit to doing shared activities. You and your spouse are probably very different. That’s why it’s important to find something to do together that you both enjoy. Maybe it’s traveling, working in the yard, or binging on Netflix. Whatever it is, finding shared activities will prove to be beneficial for your marriage. Find something. 

Let your last waking moments together be enjoyable. If fights and hurt feelings are a relational disease, you are most apt to catch them at night. Our relational immune system is weakest in the evenings when we are exhausted from the day. Wait until you are fresh to discuss the heavy. Enjoy the evening.  

We must pursue health in our marriage at all times. Even when it’s challenging. Even when we don’t want to. Even when we feel like giving up. Pray together. Talk to each other. Do things together. And don’t give up.

Food for thought: How often do you and your spouse spend quality time together? How often do you pray together?

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Romans 8:28, Isaiah 55:8-9

It’s likely that you’ve experienced tremendous loss in your life. It could be marriage related or not. No matter what it is or when it happened, there is an experience that God wants to turn around and use to help someone else.

According to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, we are to take the comfort we’ve received from God and use that same comfort to comfort someone else. Because we’ve been there. We’ve lived it. We’ve healed from it and through it. And not only have you lived through it and found divine healing from God, you’ve come out on the other side of it and actually have life again.

God wastes nothing. God works in it all and through it all for His glory. It doesn’t say in Romans 8:28 that God sits around and waits for things to happen. It says He works. And He doesn’t just work in some things, He works in all things. 

When you minister to someone from a place where great pain once resided, a new level of healing occurs in your own life. When we help someone through something that we were helped through, we remind ourselves: “Hey, what you went through wasn’t in vain. What you barely lived through is actually now hope for someone else. What nearly killed you will actually bring hope to someone else one day.” It’s a spiritual pay-it-forward concept that not only helps others but also redeems our own pain.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine my husband and I would be where we are today. Someday you will be the one to another’s hand when they’ve learned that their life is changed forever by an affair, a trial, an obstacle. You will be the one to offer hope to that person because you are still here, still standing, and still living. That is key. People in pain want to know how they will survive it, how they will live again. And while your actions to help them are needed, simply standing by their side is enough. The gift of your presence will do them wonders. More than you know.

Food for thought: Make a list of experiences from your life. Ask the Father to show you how He wants to use your past to impact someone’s future.