Do you find yourself reacting when you want to respond constructively? Honestly, some relationships can be very difficult to navigate when our buttons are pushed. In this 7-day Bible reading plan, I share practical tools for redeeming anger and turning your pain into purpose. Glenda Bigalky
Day 1
Scriptures: Psalms 4:4, Proverbs 25:28, Proverbs 21:23, Proverbs 10:19
What Pushes Your Buttons?
An emotional outburst often occurs when our buttons are intentionally or unintentionally pushed.
It’s natural to react instinctively when our unhealed emotions are triggered. Feelings of misunderstanding, rejection, inadequacy, or fear—along with many other negative emotions—can drive us to react defensively instead of responding with kindness.
Understanding the dynamics that trigger expressions of anger is an essential aspect of learning to respond instead of react in any situation.
A button exists because of an experience that left a deep emotional wound. When hurt, threatened, or shamed, it creates a vulnerable “soft spot” within us. Later, when we encounter a similar situation—even years down the line—it subconsciously reminds us of the original pain, triggering feelings of shame, fear, or distress. As a result, we react, both internally and often externally as well.
Recognizing those triggers and how they influence our reactions is crucial to controlling our emotions and responding thoughtfully rather than letting anger consume us.
It’s essential to recognize that our emotional response isn’t always caused by the person we’re interacting with in the moment. The idea of “having our buttons pushed” implies that these buttons already exist within us. The way we hear and perceive what someone says triggers our reaction. Something gets “tripped” deep within us.
We can begin healing our emotional triggers by reflecting on two key questions and being willing to process the underlying memories. These questions are:
- What am I feeling?
- When have I felt this way before? (This may require looking back weeks, months, or even years to uncover the source of the original trauma or emotional wound).
By answering these two questions, we gain insight into which emotions are triggered and which past experiences remain unresolved. If we confront these memories, reframe our interpretations, and embrace and process our feelings, the intensity of the original wound will diminish.
This healing process allows us to disempower the button—gradually softening the “tender spot” within us. Over time, when faced with situations that might have once triggered strong emotional reactions, we’ll find ourselves better equipped to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Unlock Your Life:
Next time your buttons are pushed, ask yourself the above questions (or, as a preventative measure, take time now to identify one or two “buttons” you are already aware of that tend to challenge you).
For example, you may react when you feel misunderstood. Knowing that, ask yourself when you first felt that way. Was it with a boss or co-worker? With a coach or teacher in High School? With a parent during childhood?
Ask God for Wisdom in processing the deeper wounds that are still creating turmoil within. Seek counsel if necessary. Your peace of mind and relationships are at stake.
Partnering With God:
Father God, please shine the Light of Your Spirit on the deepest places in my heart. I invite You to expose memories that cause me to feel insecure when I feel misunderstood. I know that You want me to feel loved and secure and to respond to the people you have put into my life with patience and grace. Give me an understanding of the reasons I naturally react and help me heal wounded areas of my life so that I can respond to those around me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Day 2
Scriptures: Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 139:23-24, Psalms 145:18-19, Romans 8:26-28
Understanding Our Life Cup
Do you find yourself easily irritated and reacting impulsively toward those you love? If so, keep reading, friend, I have some encouraging news for you!
Yesterday, we explored how our emotional buttons get pushed, leading us to react instead of respond. Today, we’re diving deeper into anger, uncovering another key factor influencing our interactions with others.
Imagine a coffee cup representing your soul—your “Life Cup.” We are born with small holes in the bottom of our Cups. If we grew up in a communicative and supportive home, as life’s challenges were thrown into our Cup—disappointments, sadness, and struggles—they were acknowledged, discussed, and processed, which allowed emotions to flow through and drain out the bottom.
Unfortunately, sometimes life doesn’t come at us in small, manageable pieces. Instead, we experience overwhelming events like trauma, abuse, terminal illness, or sudden loss—things that deeply impact us emotionally.
If we grew up in an environment where open conversations about our pain and emotions weren’t encouraged, we may not have developed the skills to process these experiences. When the weight of these hardships was thrown into our Cup as a “chunk,” it settled at the bottom and blocked the natural flow. Over time, this unresolved pain embeds within us, affecting our present and future, often surfacing in our physical bodies and through our defense mechanisms and reactions towards others.
Life can be relentless, constantly throwing challenges into our Cups. Only the least intense emotions can filter through the partially blocked holes, leaving us carrying an increasingly full Cup when the holes are obstructed.
When our Cup reaches its limit, it takes just one tiny drop—an inconvenience, a frustration—to overflow. At that moment, we either explode, lashing out at those around us, or implode, internalizing the pain, which can fuel negative self-talk and even lead to depression. The intensity of our reaction depends on the situation. It empties our Cup slightly but offers only temporary relief. Life circumstances continue to challenge us, and over time, our Cup fills to the brim once again.
The only way to empty our Cup is to remove and process a “chunk” of our unresolved issues. This can be messy given that a full cup will naturally overflow as we reach in to it. The good news is that through this cathartic process—acknowledging and working through past emotions—we reopen the channels that allow life to flow freely, preventing our Cup from constantly refilling.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and navigate our emotions and those of others. It involves regulating feelings, demonstrating empathy, and exercising good judgment in social interactions.
Confronting the events that have filled our Cups rather than living in denial, shame, or anger allows us to build emotional intelligence and cultivate healthy, interdependent relationships.
If revisiting painful experiences feels overwhelming, take heart—there is hope! Starting the process with the support of a trusted friend, mentor, coach, or pastor can help you begin your journey toward self-love and lead to more fulfilling, healthier relationships.
Unlock Your Life:
Journaling can be a significant first step if you’re not ready to share your heart with another person. Write down your thoughts and release the weight of intrusive feelings like shame, disappointment, or resentment.
There are no “rules” in journaling. Having the right notebook isn’t necessary and you can throw grammar out the window. Allow yourself to write freely, without over-thinking or analyzing your writing. You don’t need to pay attention to sentence structure, punctuation, or legibility. Just begin to write…
If you need a place to start, you can begin by asking yourself:
1. What am I feeling today? What excited me or challenged me today at work or home?
2. What are some challenges I have faced in my life? What are the “chunks” (difficult life experiences) blocking the holes in my Cup? Do I have the skills to process those life events? If not, what am I willing to do to get support?
3. Do I predominantly feel fear and shame or love, peace, and joy?
If you’re concerned about someone reading what you’ve written, honor your need for privacy by keeping your journal secure. You might store it in a safe place, like your closet, or even lock it in the trunk of your car. Honoring and engaging your heart can significantly improve your emotional well-being and, over time, enhance the quality of your relationships.
Partnering with God:
Father God, I know that You know every detail of my life and how my experiences have impacted my relationship with You, myself, and others. You know the challenges I have faced and how I have learned to cope. I am tired of having a full Cup, and I am asking You to partner with me as I examine the experiences that have blocked the holes and kept me from the freedom Jesus purchased for me. Lead me to people who can support my desire to heal and give me the tools to reclaim my heart and the life you intended for me to live. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Day 3
Scriptures: James 1:2-4, Romans 5:3-5, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Lamentations 3:22-23, Romans 8:28
Recognize the Opportunity in Anger
As we navigate life’s pivotal moments, our mindset plays a crucial role in how well we cope and which skills we choose to guide us through our challenges.
One of the most insightful ways to grasp the power of these challenges is by looking at the Chinese word for “crisis.” In this language of symbols, the word comprises two characters, each representing opposing concepts. The top character means “danger,” while the bottom means “opportunity.”
This combination creates a powerful mental image. While every crisis brings its share of unknowns, danger, and uncertainty, it also holds the potential for growth, change, and improvement in how we approach life.
When we face critical situations, we often spiral downward until we come to terms with what’s happening. Once we accept reality, we hit rock bottom and begin climbing out of the emotional pit. As we rise, we’ll either emerge stronger or weaker than before, but we’ll never be the same—our thoughts, feelings, and actions will have shifted in some way due to the crisis.
If we focus on the opportunity, we will be higher functioning and be more like Jesus. If we get angry and adopt a victim mentality, we will function less healthily than before we experienced the crisis. It is important to note that if unresolved anger is turned inward, it can become depression.
Focusing on the opportunities—the potential for change and growth that comes with life’s unfair challenges—will guide us on a different path than fixating only on the dangers and setbacks.
A line from Tauren Wells’s song reminds us, “Giving in to feelings is like driving in shadows.” While connecting with our emotions is often essential, clear thinking during critical moments offers a way to avoid being swept away by overwhelming feelings. We have the ability to control how we think, even in the face of life’s toughest challenges, and how we think will determine how we feel.
Unlock Your Life:
Do you respond or react when faced with a crisis? Do you focus on the unknowns and dangers, or can you look for the silver lining in the situation?
Identify a recent crisis that you experienced and write a journal entry about how you handled it. Did you allow yourself to be fearful or angry, or could you see that God could use it for good, for your growth and healing? Did you focus on the danger or the opportunity that the crises presented?
Partnering with God:
Father God, thank You for never leaving me or forsaking me. I know You want to use the challenges I face to refine me so I reflect more of the character of Jesus. Thank You that I don’t face trials myself because You are there to face them with me. Thank You in advance for helping me see the opportunity in the circumstances of life that challenge me. Continue to heal me so I am open to partnering with You to receive the Truth that will change me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Day 4
Scriptures: Psalms 139:23-24, Psalms 37:7-8, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalms 145:18-19, 2 Corinthians 5:17-20, Ephesians 4:2
Understanding the Anger Cycle
Understanding the components of the anger cycle is crucial for learning how to empty our cups so that challenging circumstances don’t lead to an emotional explosion or implosion.
The cycle begins with an event, which is immediately followed by our interpretation of it—shaped by our unique experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. This interpretation then leads to a primary emotion. Anger can arise if we fail to recognize our faulty thought process or the underlying emotion.
Once anger surfaces, we either express it outwardly in an explosion or inwardly in an implosion, depending on our personality and the intensity of the situation. Afterward, we cool down and return to a calm state—until another triggering event occurs.
Let’s explore an example of how this cycle plays out:
You head downstairs to turn on your coffee pot every morning before going back upstairs to shower. One day, when you return to the kitchen and reach for your coffee, you realize the carafe wasn’t correctly aligned and coffee has spilled all over your counter, dripping down the cupboards.
Your immediate reaction might be anger, leading to an outburst or harsh self-criticism, but you’ve skipped two critical dynamics occurring under the surface. Before experiencing anger, there was an interpretation of the situation, which initiated a primary feeling.
How you interpret the situation depends on the messages you received about making mistakes in childhood or how many “bullies” you’ve encountered as an adult. If you were taught that mistakes weren’t allowed, you might feel worthless, like an idiot, and respond accordingly. On the other hand, if you were encouraged to make mistakes and accept imperfection, you might laugh at yourself, clean up the mess, and even share the story with colleagues later. The difference between feeling angry or taking it in stride all hinges on how we interpret the triggering event.
Fortunately, we can break the cycle before reacting with anger if we identify and express our primary emotions—such as fear of rejection, inadequacy, or insecurity—or take the time to understand how our interpretation of the situation set the feeling in motion. We can reframe and shift our perspective on the triggering event, which will change our feelings.
If the event involves someone else and we react toward them, we must reflect on and become aware of the underlying factors that led to our outburst. We need to take time out, walk away, and ask the Holy Spirit for self-awareness to identify how we’re interpreting the situation and help identify the primary feeling our anger is masking. It can be helpful to go for a walk and talk out loud or sit with a journal and write about our thoughts and feelings. After taking time to process, we can re-engage, respectfully explain what triggered us, how our misinterpretation led to an overreaction, and, if necessary, offer an apology.
Unlock Your Life:
Can you identify with getting caught in a cycle of anger? If so, it is essential to understand that there are primary feelings “under” the anger. It is much easier for us to be angry than to express the vulnerable feelings of fear, sadness, hurt, and rejection that we may be experiencing. Oddly, we may feel like we are more in control when we are expressing anger.
Examining how you may interpret the situation based on your past experiences, thoughts, and beliefs is vital. That interpretation, based on your truth, not necessarily the Truth, sets in motion an emotional reaction. If you are willing to reflect on your thought process, reframe your interpretation, own your reaction, and identify and express the primary feeling, you can revisit the disagreement with a new perspective. Authentically sharing your primary feelings or your misinterpretation may bring awareness and ultimately shift the conflict into a place of understanding.
Reflect on the last time you remember reacting or becoming heated in a conversation. What were you “feeling,” and when did you feel that feeling earlier in life? How were you interpreting that situation based on past experiences that may have influenced your reaction? It may not be too late to go back to the person you were in conflict with and explain how you were triggered and what you felt during that conflict.
For future reference, apply this awareness to your next outburst or disagreement. Try to identify and express the primary feeling and how you interpreted the interaction instead of reacting in an explosion or implosion.
Partnering With God:
Father God, I know that You know all my thoughts and feelings about anything I have ever experienced. Please help me to be mindful that there is always a primary feeling that lurks under my anger. Help me identify what I am feeling and the roots of why I am feeling that way. Give me courage to remove myself from heated interactions, to pray and ask for Your guidance, and to be willing to re-engage with an honest and vulnerable perspective. I want to be authentic in my relationship with You and others. Lead me to understand my reactions and how the experiences thrown into my Cup influence my current reactions/interactions. Thank You for Your Grace, which allows me to be forgiven and enables me to try again. Please give me a willingness to ask those I hurt with my anger to forgive me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Day 5
Scriptures: Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 15:18, Proverbs 19:11, Proverbs 29:11, Proverbs 29:20, Romans 12:17-18, 1 John 4:18, Ephesians 4:2
Responding vs Reacting
When faced with a challenging situation, instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to pause and identify your feelings. Understanding what you’re genuinely experiencing—fear, frustration, or something else—helps you respond thoughtfully rather than lash out. Recognizing your emotions gives you the space to choose how to respond in a way that aligns with your values and strengthens your relationships.
I often hear people say, “They made me so mad,” and while it may be true that you’re angry, it’s inaccurate to say that someone else made you feel that way. We always have a choice, and when we take ownership of our emotions instead of having a Victim mindset and blaming others, we function as Warriors.
Resolving internal conflict involves identifying and expressing our primary feelings using “I” statements. Stating, “I’m hurt because…” or “I’m scared that…” or “I feel rejected when…” shifts the focus to how we feel, allowing the other person to respond to your emotions instead of engaging in intellectual banter. This level of communication creates space for an open conversation.
On the other hand, if we point fingers and say, “You never listen to me,” “You always tell me I’m wrong,” or “Why don’t you…?” the person we’re engaging with is likely to feel defensive and retaliate. This leads to a cycle where both people speak over each other, prepare their responses before the other is finished speaking, and fail to listen to one another honestly. As voices rise, the argument escalates, with no resolution or understanding of what the disagreement was about in the first place.
Resolution can only be achieved when we express our feelings and engage with someone willing to actively listen to what is being said. Listening to understand—rather than just listening to respond—is crucial. It might be helpful to clarify what we’ve heard by saying, “What I hear you saying is…” While this can feel awkward, it’s a valuable tool for truly understanding the other person’s perspective. They can rephrase and clarify if what we’ve heard doesn’t match their intent. We can better understand a person’s heart when we listen patiently and attentively.
On the other hand, if you tend to shut down emotionally and withdraw during an argument rather than engaging, you are defaulting to avoidance as your defense mechanism. Conflict resolution isn’t possible if both parties aren’t willing to engage and share their feelings.
A key dynamic to understand in any interaction between two people is to recognize that there are always two elements at play: the details of the conversation and the underlying process each person has been going through before the interaction even begins.
The “details” refer to the actual topic or content of the conversation. However, this is just one part of the equation. The more important aspect is the “process” happening beneath the surface—what each person has experienced before the exchange.
Whether it’s been an hour or an entire day, when you reconnect with someone you haven’t seen for a time, they have no idea what dynamics are influencing you. Depending on the neutrality or intensity of your experiences or interactions, you may be carrying thoughts or feelings from prior engagements. Think about how many thoughts or experiences you’ve had that your spouse or friends may not be aware of.
Giving someone the time and space to decompress before engaging is wise and respectful if you know they’ve been through stressful circumstances since your last conversation. Even if their day seems routine, it’s essential to recognize that they may be in a different mental and emotional state than when you last interacted with them.
When communicating with others, we must take responsibility for expressing any negative feelings we might be carrying from earlier events—whether from today, yesterday, or even a few days ago. If we’re feeling on edge or easily irritated, we must reflect on what may have affected us, even subconsciously. Recent interactions or lingering thoughts that have unsettled us but haven’t been fully processed can impact how we engage with others. Being self-aware and sharing any intrusive thoughts or unresolved emotions we’re holding is crucial for being present and connecting authentically in our relationships.
If we notice someone seems distracted or not fully engaged with us, a thoughtful question to ask is, “How is your heart?” This simple inquiry shows that we’re aware they might have something else weighing on their mind, and it communicates that we care about their well-being.
Unlock Your Life:
How comfortable are you identifying and expressing your feelings? Perhaps you grew up in an environment that wasn’t very communicative and didn’t have much practice with authentic communication. Please know that regardless of your past experiences, you can always learn and adopt new skills and tools.
Be mindful and practice using “I” statements instead of “you” when communicating. Doing so will allow you to own how you feel and prevent the other people you communicate with from feeling defensive. It will promote the most significant opportunity for healthy dialogue between you and those you love.
Practice expressing your feelings to the safest people in your world, even if that is a trusted friend or co-worker. If necessary, print a feeling chart/wheel listing numerous feeling words other than the go-to concepts of sad, mad, and glad. Post it on your refrigerator or other areas of your house for easy access and quick reference when you need to identify what you are feeling.
Partnering With God:
Father God, Thank You for giving us David’s example of expressing his anxious thoughts and feelings numerous times throughout Your Word. You have said that he was a man after your heart, and as such, I know You created humanity to feel deeply. I know You welcome my ability to connect with You and others in an emotionally intimate way.
Please help me understand what blocks my ability to be vulnerable and share my heart with those I love. Help me identify areas of my life that still need Your healing so I have confidence to risk being authentic. I know that the quality of my life and relationships will deepen when I share more effortlessly.
Thank You for giving me a heart that has the capacity to love and be loved, experience grief, unfathomable joy, and connect on a deep level. Forgive me for being untrusting and guarded when you created me to be wholehearted and fully alive. I invite the Holy Spirit to shine Light on areas of my mind and heart that need to be transformed and restored to be who You created me to be. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Day 6
Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 10:5, Galatians 2:20, Philippians 4:8-9
Captive or Imprisoned?
Just because we have thoughts doesn’t mean we are those thoughts. Our will gives us the power to replace disempowering thoughts with constructive ones, leading to freedom in our thinking and ultimately transforming our behavior.
As we discussed on Day 4 when we talked about the anger cycle, our thinking (how we have interpreted life events) will dictate how we feel and react.
We can take our thoughts captive and replace harmful thoughts with positive, empowering ones. By becoming aware of what we’re thinking, we can reject thoughts that hinder our well-being and replace them with Truth.
For example, let’s say you’re excited to share something you’re learning. You’re not being rude, but you express your viewpoint respectfully. However, someone disagrees entirely and reacts aggressively. If you struggle with insecurity and people-pleasing, you might be tempted to accept negative thoughts, such as: “How stupid am I? I shouldn’t have said anything.” These thoughts can lead to feelings of rejection. Just because someone else has a different opinion doesn’t make them right and you wrong. It’s perfectly fine to agree to disagree with those you love. Even if you are incorrect, there’s no need to criticize yourself or embrace negative self-talk.
Taking those lies and intrusive thoughts captive and replacing them with truth can be done simply by speaking it out loud. For example, say to yourself, “Not everyone will agree with me. The truth is, I don’t need other people’s approval to know that I am loved and valuable.” By quickly challenging limiting beliefs about your self-worth and shifting disempowering thoughts, you can release them like water off your back, which helps you stay in peace.
Depending on how deeply ingrained the lies are about yourself, you may need to fight to free your mind. You can be both defensive and offensive in this battle. You can become aware of intrusive thoughts and stand against them. For instance, you can verbalize, “I break agreement with the lie that…” and refuse to stay in that mental prison. Additionally, you can proactively change your thoughts by affirming what you want to focus on in the present and moving forward.
Consider the definition of captivity:
Captive—“one who has been captured: one taken and held, usually in confinement.” This refers to being held, but not necessarily as a consequence of wrongdoing.
We are not prisoners of our thoughts. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote that the one thing the Nazis couldn’t take from him was his attitude—a “mental position with regard to a fact or state.” He went on to say, “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts, comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
We often invite negativity into our thoughts by focusing on what we think we need to change. Phrases like “I should…,” “I need to…,” or “I ought to…” acknowledge that something is wrong, but they fail to offer a solution. This language breeds guilt and disappointment and reinforces our self-imagined inadequacies, keeping us in a cycle of inaction.
Let’s call negative self-talk what it truly is—a Deceiver. The definition of a deceiver is “to cause someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid: ENSNARE.” Our choice is to allow ourselves to be robbed of life by falling into the trap of partnering with the lies our faulty beliefs have set in motion. This Deceiver steals our self-worth, keeps us in the past, and prevents us from entering a fulfilling future. We can choose whether to be led by the Deceiver or the God of Light and Truth. The dance partner we choose will directly impact the quality of our lives since our subconscious mind will believe anything we focus on.
Shad Helmstetter, a psychologist and motivational life coach, wrote, “Self-talk is a way to override our past negative programming by erasing or replacing it with conscious, positive new directions. Self-talk is a practical way to live by active intent rather than passive acceptance.”
A highly effective method of redirecting our brains is stating proactive “I am” statements. These statements focus our minds on truth, igniting positive feelings and changing our actions. Saying aloud, “I am…,” “I can…,” “I believe…,” and “I choose to…” propels us forward, helping us live out what we truly desire deep within ourselves.
Because our thoughts will dictate how we feel (refer back to Day 4 Anger Cycle) and how we think is the foundation for how we interpret a situation, we must think positively and with the mind of Christ. We can willingly take any negative or ungodly thoughts captive and replace them with the Truth instead of being imprisoned by them.
Unlock Your Life:
Begin by speaking affirming Truths daily, like the ones below, which can have a profound impact on your thoughts and mindset:
– I am capable of facing challenges with courage.– I am accepted without needing to be perfect.– I believe the best is still ahead.– I am responsible for myself and for how I think.
Speaking the Truth of Scripture over your mind will transform your thoughts about yourself and your identity.
– I am the salt of the earth– I am the light of the world– I have been adopted by the Father– I am a friend of Jesus– I am a saint, a holy one– I am redeemed and forgiven– I have been chosen by God– I am free from all condemnation– I can find grace and mercy to help in a time of need– I am a temple of God– I am a minister of reconciliation– I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me– I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit– I am complete in Christ
By declaring these affirmations, you can rise above a self-defeating perspective and overcome a compromised sense of identity.
Instead of focusing on your weaknesses, shift your thinking to your strengths. Instead of saying, “I’m damaged,” “I’m broken,” or “I have trust issues,” you can declare, “I’m healing,” “I’m rediscovering myself,” and “I’m starting over.” This mindset shift empowers you to move forward and embrace who you are. Declaring Scriptures renews and transforms your mind. When our thinking aligns with Scripture, we can challenge the lies and false beliefs that imprison us.
Partnering With God:
Father God, You have said that I have the mind of Christ. I believe that I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind and today I agree with the Truth about who You are and who I am in You. My identity is secure in You.
Please illuminate areas of my mind where I am imprisoned by thoughts that are not Your Truth. Give me the Wisdom to take thoughts captive so that I can grow in grace and know how to think the way You created and intended for me to think. Please pour out clarity and understanding so that my mind is aligned with Yours. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Day 7
Scriptures: Matthew 7:12, Luke 15:28-32, Philippians 2:3-4, Ephesians 4:31-32, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Romans 12:9-10
The Power of Perspective
“Do you see what I see?” This simple question holds immense value when trying to align perspectives during a conflict in a relationship. Our views often differ because we interpret the world through our experiences, beliefs, and values. How we perceive life is entirely individual—the lens through which we observe any issue or situation is unique.
I often conduct a simple exercise to help people understand these differences in perspective. I hold up a flat, rectangular object and ask them to describe what they see. Even when a husband and wife sit next to each other and look at it from the same angle, their descriptions vary. Some say it’s dark brown, black, metallic, shiny, or like a black hole. Others may insist it’s a square, while some might focus on the dimensions. In this exercise, the same object is perceived in vastly different ways.
I’m also looking at the same object from an entirely different angle. Instead of describing it in colors and dimensions, I see a colorful 2004 calendar. This illustrates how perspective works: we can look at the same object or situation but see something completely different.
In relationships, effective communication and emotional connection become difficult when either person isn’t invested in explaining their perspective or listening to the other’s point of view. Simply describing what we see isn’t enough. We must also understand the bigger picture—what influences our perspective and what others see.
Understanding ourselves and resolving internal conflicts allows us to communicate our perspective more effectively and promotes the ability to respond instead of react. Reactions escalate disagreements, but if we use the tools available and learn how to listen and respond well, we create opportunities for interdependent relationships.
Unlock Your Life:
Learn how to respond versus react by focusing on these three essential steps:
- Take time to understand yourself (your triggers and the “chunks” in your Cup that cause inner turmoil and defensiveness).
- Understand personality differences and needs between yourself and others. Recognize that other people have different experiences, beliefs, thoughts, and perspectives. Be willing to learn how to actively listen to understand them instead of haphazardly responding or reacting to what you think they are saying.
- Invest time and effort into improving your communication skills to facilitate healthy conflict resolution and help maintain peace within yourself and others.
Partnering With God:
Father God, give me the willingness to be introspective and become more self-aware of what causes my reactions and my need to be right when I disagree. I want to respond with love to the people you have placed in my life. I know that I need to set my pride aside and see what You see in my brothers and sisters. Give me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart of flesh vs stone so I can live in harmony with myself and those around me. Thank You for revealing my blind spots. I’m asking You to transform me from the inside out. Lead me, teach me, guide me into all Truth so that I can be light in the darkness. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!