If your spouse has repented of sexual sin, whether porn use or infidelity, you may wonder how to approach your sexual relationship again. You might still be feeling hurt and betrayed, and you’ll both need to approach sex with care and prayer. This 6-day reading plan will help you start the path toward healing your intimacy. Get resources on marriage, parenting, faith, and more at FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Focus On The Family
Day 1
Scripture: Genesis 2:24
What If I Don’t Want to Have Sex with My Husband?
Many women whose husbands have been unfaithful ask if, for the time being, it’s okay not to want to have sex with their husbands. Such feelings are normal and understandable.
However, on the opposite side of the coin, it’s okay too if you do desire sex with your spouse. (A variety of responses can occur because our emotions and sexuality are complexly intertwined.) The main caution here (besides assuring that STD testing has occurred if necessary) is that neither spouse assumes that merely having “lots of sex” somehow solves the problem.
Even if you’ve made a rational decision to forgive your husband, it will probably take some time for your heart to catch up with your head. Your husband’s repentance and faithful behavior may aid the healing of that deep wound, but neither you nor your husband can force the rate of progress to speed up. Sexuality and intimacy are all about vulnerability, and you can’t make yourself readily vulnerable again until you’ve gained real assurances that it’s safe to do so.
You may have heard of a widely believed teaching that a man has to have sex at least every three days. And if his wife doesn’t attend to his needs, he will virtually be forced to turn to pornography, prostitutes, online sex, or masturbation. This idea is not only a myth; it’s an insult to both men and women. The choices he makes are his, and you are not responsible for what he does or doesn’t choose.
Christopher West, a lecturer on theology and human sexuality, has observed that “. . . if we can’t say no to our desires, our yes means nothing. If we can’t say no, we’re not free, and if we’re not free, we’re not able to love.”
The beautiful point here is that sex is meant to be loving and guided by the ever-growing fruit of the Spirit in our lives. It’s meant to be passionate, and even regular within a marriage. Yet, for the act to be conditioned as compulsory and without freedom, as Christopher West concludes: “Sex in such a situation is merely akin to what animals do when they’re in heat.”
Next, we’ll look at the benefits of a sexual hiatus.
Day 2
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:5
The Benefits of a Sexual Hiatus
Even if a couple is willing to have sex with each other, intimate moments can still seem strained. This is the kind of situation that can be improved by agreeing to a sexual hiatus. A sexual time-out is a way of turning down the pressure created by unmet expectations. When you do resume sex after a break, it can grow into something more inspired and wholly meaningful rather than perfunctory.
Additional benefits that can be derived from a sexual hiatus include:
1. Redistribution of power and responsibility. Human sexuality has its own power of expression. But like any form of power, it can be abused. A husband or wife can become demanding or wield power through strict refusals. Areas of responsibility can also become blurred.
2. Space to reevaluate the relationship and take responsibility for any abuses of power or distortions of pure desire by the contaminants in pornography.
3. Healing of the past and starting again.
4. An opportunity to reinstate sexual honesty, caring, and pure expressions through sex.
5. Grounding of the marriage in mutual commitment and fidelity.
6. Time to evaluate specific sexual activity. This is an ideal time to ponder what has been enjoyable as well as problematic in the lovemaking experience.
7. Neurological detoxification. In section 5, we talked about the biochemical aspects of sexual addiction. The pornography addict needs a sexual time-out to detoxify his brain’s heightened sexual chemistry. It’s believed that this biochemical rebalancing can be significantly kick-started through thirty days of intentional abstinence, which includes refraining from fantasizing and masturbation.
8. Discovery of emotions. Once the self-medicating anesthesia of sexual indulgence wears off, the pornography addict has a chance to thaw out emotionally. This in turn allows him to become better informed and more insightful about his own emotions.
9. An opportunity to practice the discipline of self-control. Abstinence from any powerful craving enhances self-control, which in turn gives the addict a greater sense of personal wellness. In this way, his distorted belief that sex is his greatest need can be exposed as a lie and replaced with truth.
Next, we’ll look at the necessity of mutual consent.
Day 3
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:1
The Necessity of Mutual Consent
Some women ask, Should I agree to engage in activities with my husband that I find highly undesirable or even offensive?
The answer to that question is “Absolutely not!” As part of the healing process, there will certainly come a time when you will want to resume normal sexual relations with your husband, as well as grow into your sexual future. But at no point is there any reason to subject yourself to sexual activities that violate your wishes or disregard your comfort level. If your husband demands this of you, you’ll likely need to take another respectful break from sex and talk through your differences as you seek to reengage in this important part of your marriage. During the course of those discussions, your husband will hopefully be growing and embracing the truth that marital sex is about love, and that love requires each spouse to treat the needs, feelings, desires, and preferences of his or her mate as matters of the highest priority. If something is a big deal to one partner, it’s a big deal to both.
Mutual consent is basic to all healthy sexual expression in marriage. Consent implies:
· that both parties know what’s proposed and expected.
· that they fully understand the physical and emotional ramifications of the suggested activity.
· that there is room for discussion.
· that both partners are always free to say a simple no, or anything along this spectrum, including “Not now,” “I would like to take time to consider my feelings about it,” or “I don’t think I’ll ever be open to that specific activity.”
Respect, humility, and forbearance, which are essential to all healthy human relationships, are each of great importance for you both.
Next, we’ll look at the Divine design of sex.
Day 4
Scripture: Genesis 1:28
God’s Mysterious and Beautiful Design for Sexual Relationships
The mystery of sexual intimacy defies words, but it was designed to be lived out in the context of marriage and to declare the glory of God. It’s the positive ideal or prototype of the marriage relationship.
Sexual sin violates God’s divine, fulfilling, faithful, and safe design for human sexuality in marriage. That violation creates deep wounds that hinder our ability to experience sex inside marriage the way God wants us to. We rarely give much thought to the mystery and symbolism of sex as it’s described in the Bible, or how it’s designed to contribute to human happiness and wholeness.
Every marriage falls short. We are all imperfect sinners. We are all sexually broken in some way because our sexuality is so closely intertwined with our humanness. It’s normal to have ups and downs in the marital sexual journey. It can be difficult at times, but it’s designed to be unifying and sacred.
Genesis 1:28 says, “God blessed [the man and woman]. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.” Think of that! Before any other command, before humanity’s fall into sin, before human history had even begun, the Lord’s first word to His children was “Go have sex!” And He made sure that this exhortation was recorded in His Holy Word so that all future generations would know about it.
The Old Testament prophets consistently used marriage and marital sex as illustrations of Israel’s relationship with Yahweh. The apostle Paul followed in this same tradition when he quoted an Old Testament verse from Genesis 2 and then compared it to the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:32).
In Revelation 19:9, history finds its consummation in “the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And in Revelation 21:2, we find the “new Jerusalem” described as a “Holy City . . . coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.”
From the first page to the last, Scripture represents sex as a matter of the highest importance to God. It’s a physical thing with a very intentionally designed heavenly meaning, and we are its stewards.
Next, we’ll look deeper at the concept of sacred sex.
Day 5
Scripture: Ephesians 5:32
Sacred Sex
Marital sex is good and a God-blessed, sacred spiritual act. God wants a couple to build a foundation for their relationship by connecting deeply on mental, emotional, and spiritual levels. This leads to marriage. Only then, as a natural result or by-product of this profound soul connection, does it become appropriate for them to bond in sexual intercourse.
The Bible is filled from beginning to end with passages that underscore this idea. In Proverbs 30:19, the writer ponders four deep mysteries too wonderful for the human mind to comprehend: The way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a serpent on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a woman. The Song of Solomon is a poetic celebration of this same mystery. Its theme is romantic love and sexual bonding between husband and wife. The book has been interpreted as a story strictly about God’s relationship with His chosen people, but there’s more to it than this. It’s also a profound and intensely sensual study of the interaction between a man and a woman within the bond of matrimony.
If you believe all of that is true, then ask yourself this question: When was the last time you were making love and became aware that you were engaged in a spiritual act? Have you ever felt worshipful or sensitive to God’s presence while you were having sex?
If you’ve never felt God’s smiling presence during that union or considered the biblical symbolism bound up in your sexuality, something is amiss, and you need to figure out why. When one or both partners in a marriage have been sexually wounded, whether through childhood abuse, rape, pornography, media distortions, promiscuity, or marital abuse, they frequently find it extremely difficult to think of sex as sacred.
As a result, many couples simply can’t believe that the words sex and spirituality belong together in the same sentence. The wonder of marital sex as it was meant to function in God’s original plan is bigger, more breathtaking, and more all-encompassing in God’s love story (the Gospel) than most of us can imagine.
Next, we’ll look at how to have a new mindset about sexual expression.
Day 6
Scripture: Revelation 19:9
A New Mindset About Sexual Expression
This pure vision of sexuality is what God designed sex and marriage to look like when He made humankind in the beginning and pronounced all of His works good. Sex is supposed to be based on intimacy, tenderness, mutual consent, and becoming one flesh with your spouse.
This is why C. S. Lewis observed, “The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.”
A godly sexual union is a marvel and a reality that defies description. A good place to start is to consider how the various emotions of marriage and the physical actions shared between the male and female body show signs of God’s nature or tell a symbolic story about it.
· He is a God of shared relationship and deep intimacy (the Trinity).
· He is faithful.
· He initiates and pursues us – and at our ready invitation, He then enters our lives and enables us to bear godly fruit.
· He is expressively passionate about His “marriage” covenant with His church, which the Bible refers to as the very bride of Christ.
· When our eyes are opened to the Creator’s artwork in our bodies and in marital sexuality, we see obvious intentionality and many unfolding levels of beauty to be celebrated and enjoyed.
· In a very parallel way, God wants to “marry” each one of us so that we bear His name and the good results (the fruit) of our closeness with Him.
Can you see the picture? Our commitment to God is like a wedding. Our closeness with Him is intimate like the marriage bed. The result is life – the human family that grows as a result of unity, sacrifice, and erotic love. Sex and our bodies, as God intended them, tell part of the Gospel story.
Sacred sex is much more about attitudes and nonverbal communication than about the sex act itself. It’s a mystery for which every couple can be grateful.