After the shock of discovering infidelity, you need to take care of yourself if you want to have the best opportunity for restoration. This 5-day reading plan will give you tips on how to care for yourself spiritually and emotionally on this difficult journey. Get resources on marriage, parenting, faith, and more at FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Focus On The Family
Day 1
Scripture: Ephesians 6:10-12
Arm for Spiritual Battle and Attend to Leftover Trauma
Few marital problems are as devastating as infidelity. Sexual sins don’t simply break marital trust. They shatter it. For a believer, this kind of pain can even translate into a crisis of faith in the broadest sense. At the very least, the presence of serious sexual sin certainly causes trauma to the soul.
As you grow spiritually, your very growth becomes a target of the evil one. Your and your husband’s work together is a living, visible example of the power of the Holy Spirit and the mercy and love of God. So, don’t be surprised if the Enemy targets your mind and you go back to pondering things you may previously have settled.
You might also feel an inordinate sense of suspicion toward your spouse. Maybe your husband’s actions show positive gains that ignite hope. However, panic and plaguing doubts are preoccupying your mind. Fear and suspicion take over.
Feelings of fear can be so compelling that many wives will vigilantly check in on their husbands multiple times throughout the day in an attempt to monitor their every move. It’s an attempt to take charge of circumstances that seem wildly out of control. The trouble is it doesn’t strengthen you. It weakens you. Tracking your spouse’s every movement will only keep you trapped in a cycle of fear and suspicion. Your past experience may cause you to leap to inaccurate conclusions. Your husband might be struggling with temptations, and you might be afraid he’ll succumb to those temptations.
Still, no matter where you are in your healing process, it’s important to recognize that an unseen spiritual battle rages around you, and the leftover trauma in your heart can get reactivated in the most inopportune ways. Stay close to the Lord and hang on to your most helpful resources. Stay in touch with your therapist, whom God can use to help you address any trauma flashbacks. Relying on the Holy Spirit and engaging in good Christian care for spiritual and emotional healing will help you remain grounded and discerning.
Next, we’ll look at nurturing your spiritual life.
Day 2
Scripture: Ephesians 6:13-18
Nurture Your Spiritual Life
Instead of having doubts about your husband, you may have good reason to feel secure. Maybe you feel stronger than you’ve ever felt before, ready for the full restoration of your marriage. Good!
No matter how you feel right now, remember to nurture your spiritual life. Follow the apostle Paul’s advice in Ephesians 6:13-18 (emphasis added):
“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.”
Make use of all the battle resources available to you: God’s Word, prayer, support from other believers, and intentional time spent in the presence of the Lord. A steady, consistent spiritual investment will protect you and provide a safe space for you to heal.
Next, we’ll look at managing the demands of life.
Day 3
Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:12
Manage the Demands of Life
Restoring your marriage is a massive task. What matters is what you will do when you feel overwhelmed and exhausted from similar demands. Managing your life now won’t be the same as it was prior to your aftershock. There will be times when you need to disappoint others or back out of something you planned to do. The graciousness of others might surprise you. At other times, you will make mistakes because of an overloaded schedule or increased stress. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time.
Admit your inability to keep everything in your life perfectly balanced. You can’t be supermom, superwife, or super anything. But you can do the best you can with what you value most. Your relationship with the Lord is obviously right at the top of things you value most, along with your marriage. Certainly, if you have children, they also share that top spot with the Lord and your marriage.
Extended family, friends, your church, your job, grocery shopping, laundry, and a host of other relationships and activities all make demands on your life. Some of your priorities will need to shift to accommodate one that you really do need to follow through on wholeheartedly.
Following through wholeheartedly doesn’t mean you can’t ever reschedule a counseling appointment. But it does mean your commitments regarding recovery deserve time and protection in your life as you make this path through pain toward renewal.
Next, we’ll look at immersing yourself in recovery.
Day 4
Scripture: Luke 9:23
Immerse Yourself in Recovery
Jesus told His disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23, NIV). Following Jesus is an all-or-nothing proposition. It’s not for the halfhearted or partially committed.
It’s exactly the same with marriage, and especially now as you begin this journey toward restoration. You and your husband can turn things around individually, but to restore your marriage successfully as a couple, you’ll both have to immerse yourselves in the recovery process. Don’t yield to the temptation to just dabble in it.
Gardening is a good illustration of this principle. Seeds will never germinate and grow if you simply dip them in a patch of dirt every so often. The gardener can’t give up on a seed if it doesn’t push through the soil after a day or two. On the contrary, a seed is transformed into a thriving plant when you plunge it deep into the soil, leave it there for a long time, and allow sunlight and water to produce growth. Growth is a process. Once the seed peeks through the surface of the soil as a green plant, the benefits of God’s life-giving plan are evident to the gardener. The seed grows and is transformed, becoming what it was designed to be.
The same is true for your marriage. God designed it to be a blessing, and now you both have the opportunity to dig deep into the soil of healing that brings about growth and restoration. If you only dabble in the recovery process, like the seed that doesn’t remain in the soil, your marriage won’t become what God designed it to be. You and your husband must throw yourselves into the process lock, stock, and barrel if you want to rekindle the spark of real love and romance. You have to give helpful resources time to breathe life back into your relationship. God is at work in and through you in ways you can’t see. Stay in the soil of recovery, and new life will sprout and grow.
Next: On to success.
Day 5
Scripture: Proverbs 16:23
On to Success
Sometimes we define success as “reaching a particular goal, achieving a desired end, and relishing victory over defeat.” Yet, more than a single destination, success is often in the process.
Evaluate Your Support System
You still need significant support as you move ahead with your recovery plan. From time to time, it would be helpful for you to intentionally evaluate your support system and how it is functioning based on your evolving needs. Periodic adjustments may be necessary and even beneficial from season to season of life. Remaining aware and avoiding stagnant relationships within your support system are key.
Your Inspiration: Believing in God’s Amazing Plan
There is no limit to the heights a husband and wife can reach in love for one another if recovery is pursued as a couple. If you begin experiencing God’s true design for authentic marital intimacy, you won’t want to return to the lackluster version of marriage you lived with before. Many couples are overwhelmed as they begin to experience the enormity of God’s love. For the first time, they’re choosing to open their hearts fully. In turn, they’re surprised when they experience a newness of love for each other. As you and your husband heal and grow individually and together, you’ll be able to create a new vision for your marriage.
The Meaning of Success
Successes may now be forming – at least for you personally, and also hopefully for your marriage. You may even be on your way to a finish line when you and/or your husband can celebrate the realization of God’s work and redemption through this trial. Like a runner crossing the finish line in a race, you can be glad the hard work is behind you and feel the joy of a race well run. Success means that you can face future life hurdles on the new foundation you’re building.
Worth the Investment
This process is never easy for either spouse. And there will be times when it’s downright painful. But it will also be the most worthwhile project you have ever undertaken. No matter the outcome of the marriage, remember, God is with you, and He is for you. He can see the end even when you can’t. He is good all the time; trust in Him to make a way for you today and in the future.