Surviving Year One: After the Death of Your Spouse

Scriptures: Psalms 56:8, Psalms 18:6, Revelation 21:4

He Sees Your Tears 

My husband died during a global pandemic. 

Hours, days, and weeks of crying over his sudden death left their mark. The skin on my nose was rubbed raw from wiping away so many tears. Even the softest tissue felt like sandpaper. 

I soon became grateful for the mandatory mask that hid the tell-tale signs of grief. 

But after a few months, my tears dried up. It was as if all the tears apportioned for my lifetime had been spent. My soul, like my tear ducts, was a dry wasteland. I stopped feeling any emotions at all. I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. I was numb, as if I was sleepwalking through the world. 

“You can’t schedule grief,” my wise counselor said, “but you can schedule a time to remember.” 

So I pulled out pictures, put on his sweatshirt, and even smelled his deodorant in an attempt to remember and feel him close. Then the tears came … and came … and came. Most of my tears were shed privately, away from others who might try to cheer me up or worry that I was sad. God was the only one who saw the true depths of my sorrow. 

Whether or not we feel the freedom to show our tears—and tissue-chafed skin—to others, we can take comfort in knowing God sees us and compassionately watches over us, even when it feels like our sorrow will never cease. 

Psalm 56:8 says, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.” All our sleepless nights and tears we cry are seen by the God who loves us. Not a single one escapes His notice. And when our cries of sorrow become desperate cries for help, God hears those too. Psalm 18:6 says, “In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help, From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.” 

Not only does He hear us when we cry, He also comes near. He tenderly collects our tears, remembering every single one. And when Jesus returns to make all things right, He has promised to wipe every tear from our eyes. And there will be no more death, mourning, crying, or pain (Revelation 21:4). 

Scriptures: Psalms 139:7-10, Psalms 63:8

He Holds You Close 

Eight days after my husband died, I turned on the live-streamed church service we’d been watching since the pandemic began eight months before. I sat on the couch without my husband and dissolved into tears. The joyful words of the worship songs burned my sorrow-sick soul. After just a few minutes of the sermon, I turned it off. I couldn’t concentrate anyway. 

My brain was screaming, “He’s dead!” My heart cried, “Why God?” 

I stopped watching services, and it was months before I was able to read my Bible again. When I did, I found the solace I needed in the Psalms. Their words mimicked the cries of my heart: Why God? Why do you hide your face from me? Why do the wicked proposer? Where are you? Don’t you even care?

I was in a pit of sorrow deeper than anything I’d experienced before, and I needed God to rescue me. 

When we face this depth of devastation, we cannot rely on our spiritual disciplines to get us out. Prayer, corporate worship, and Bible reading are wonderful, but what do we rely on when they feel impossible? What if our heart is full of anguish and anger at God? What if we can’t bear the thought of attending a worship service and being seen by others when our loss is so fresh? 

Spiritual disciplines help us connect with God, but they are not God. In our darkest moments, it is God’s faithful presence that will carry us. With the tiniest bit of faith, we can look to Him and find Him faithful. God has promised to lead us through the deepest pit, even death itself. 

We cannot outrun God or hide anywhere that He can’t find us. He upholds us, and we cling to Him. Like a parent who pulls a child out of crashing waves, we cry for help, and God grabs our hand and carries us safely to shore. 

If you are lost in sorrow, take comfort: He will find you, He will carry you, and He will bring you safely back to Him.

Scriptures: Psalms 139:16, Psalms 31:14-15, Psalms 116:15

He Knew the Day 

The morning had started normally, with orange juice and coffee at our kitchen table. As we discussed our plans for baking Christmas cookies and having family over to watch a movie, it was a typical day. Until it wasn’t. 

By the end of the day, my living room was littered with evidence of our desperate attempts to bring comfort to my husband, who sat lifeless in his favorite chair. I sat down on the couch in shock over what had taken place. 

“What happens next?” I asked the nurse who’d entered my home for the first time just hours before. 

“Did you discuss where he wanted to be buried?” she gently asked. 

“No,” I whispered. 

Death hadn’t crossed our minds. We weren’t discussing funeral homes or burial locations; we were discussing cookies. 

Since my husband’s sudden death, I’ve tried to figure out what led up to that night, repeatedly asking myself, “What did I miss? What should I have done differently? How could we have been more prepared?” 

I’ve learned I’m not alone. Grief can trap us in an endless cycle of trying to understand what happened in a desperate attempt to undo our pain and loss. This only leads to exhaustion. Eventually, we must come to terms with the painful reality that our spouse died, and there’s nothing we can do (or could have done) to change it. 

I’ve found comfort in knowing that God wasn’t caught off guard by my husband’s death. He was with us each minute of that terrible day. He knew how it would end before it began. Since every day of our spouse’s life was written by God before they were born, nothing and no one could’ve prevented their first or last breath. This can seem cruel when death is unexpected, painful, or traumatic. Yet we also learn that God cares deeply about the day His people die and come home to Him, saying in Psalm 116:15, “Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.” 

God’s word says our spouse’s death was precious, purposeful, and planned, even though it might seem horrible, purposeless, and shocking to us. When thoughts of guilt or regret plague you, remind yourself that the God who loves your spouse didn’t let a single hour of their life be cut short. Before your spouse was born, He knew the day.

Scriptures: Psalms 57:1-2, Isaiah 61:1, Isaiah 61:3

He Still Has Purpose For You 

I’d been my husband’s support and caregiver for years—scheduling doctor appointments, restocking medicine, calling insurance companies, and taking copious notes in doctor offices. Now he was gone, and I felt lost. Who was I if I wasn’t his wife? What meaningful contribution could I make besides helping to care for him? 

It felt like I’d lost my identity when I lost my husband. The path before me was unknown; the guide rails of identity and purpose … gone. 

When I came across these words by H. Norman Wright, they felt like a lifeline. These words pointed me to the truth from Scripture that my anguished heart struggled to believe. They became the firm foundation on which I slowly began to rebuild: 

“I believe God’s promises are true. 

I believe heaven is real. 

I believe God will see me through. 

I believe nothing can separate me from God’s love. 

I believe God has work for me to do.” 

When David fled from King Saul, he cried out, “Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” Years before, God had revealed that David would one day be king, but nothing in his circumstances seemed to be leading to his promised role. Running for his life, he held on to hope that God would fulfill His purpose for David’s life. 

Though David’s royal calling feels far removed from our lives, God has revealed His purpose for us too. In Isaiah 61, God reveals a beautiful plan for His people who are mourning. God has promised to make us into oaks of righteousness that will bring Him glory. Like a mighty oak tree, it will take time for our roots to dig deep and our branches to strengthen, but one day, we will be made strong. Just as the oak provides nourishment and shelter for birds and squirrels, others will find rest and receive spiritual sustenance as we point them to the God who sustained us through our darkest days.

Scriptures: John 16:33, Isaiah 41:10, Deuteronomy 31:6

He Can Be Trusted 

For 14 years I’d prayed for God to spare my husband’s life. Now he was dead, and my illusion of control was gone. The world felt like a terrifying place. Nothing’s off limits now, I thought to myself as anxiety gripped my heart. Who will die next? I wondered. 

Terrified of more loss, I held as tight as I could to the people I loved. It was months before I let someone drive my young son in a car and more than a year before I spent a couple of nights away from him. Now, death seemed to be lurking everywhere, and the fear was paralyzing. 

You may be wondering how to move forward when life feels so scary. What do we do when we realize that trusting God doesn’t prevent terrible things from happening to us and those we love? 

We start by admitting how hard it is to trust God and asking Him to help us live without guarantees of safety. Then, we start taking little steps back into the parts of life that scare us. My therapist calls this expanding our “circle of confidence.” My circle shrank when my husband died, but I knew I needed to show my son how to live in an uncertain and frightening world. So I let someone take him on a walk to the park, even though I felt anxious. I dropped him off at a friend’s house to play and eventually worked up to letting a trusted friend take him on an outing. With each step, my circle of confidence grew. 

God often leads His people into scary places, but He never sends them alone. God tells His people, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”(Isaiah 41:10-13). 

When the Israelites faced terrifying enemies, Joshua reminded them, “Be strong and courageous…for the LORD your God goes with you..” 

When Jesus knew the disciples would be terrified after He died, He reminded them, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). 

God’s Word makes it clear that following Him doesn’t ensure bad things won’t happen to us. Yet, we can move forward by reminding ourselves that even if our worst nightmares do come true, God will be with us, helping and upholding us. By leaning on the promise of His presence and taking steps outside of our circle of confidence, we can reclaim the ground fear has stolen. By His grace, we can live fully again.

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 12:9, Matthew 6:34

He Will Help You Through 

There was so much to do—taxes, bills, dinner, shopping, playing, homework—the list went on and on. And that didn’t include the post-death tasks of contacting our lawyer, retitling my husband’s car into my name, and the seemingly endless phone calls to work out insurance and Social Security. Without my husband, the full weight of our household was on my shoulders for the first time. My responsibilities had doubled right when it felt like my capacity had shrunk to zero. It was hard to breathe and nearly impossible to sleep. I wondered how I would ever manage on my own. 

When the big things—and little things—overwhelmed me and I wasn’t sure I could make it through another day, I relied on these words from an old Saxton poem that was treasured by widowed missionary Elisabeth Elliott: 

“Do it immediately, do it with prayer, 

do it reliantly, casting all care. 

Do it with reverence, tracing His hand, 

who placed it before thee with earnest command. 

Stayed on omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing, 

leave all resultings, do the next thing.” 

I printed the poem, traced the beautiful words with my favorite colorful markers, and stuck it to my fridge, where I would see it every day. This bite-sized approach to life gave me a way forward. I couldn’t handle everything on my to-do list, but I could do the next thing: get out of bed, eat breakfast, wake up my son. By doing the next thing, I survived hours that turned into days, which became weeks and eventually years. One step at a time, I began to live into the role of “widowed, young mother” that God had entrusted to me. 

Jesus Himself encouraged us to approach life in this bite-sized way when He instructed the crowd, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:34). His realistic appraisal of life comforts me. Life is full of trouble, but we don’t have to figure out today how we will get through them all. Instead, we can just do the next thing. As we do, we will find that His promise, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9), is true.

Scriptures: Psalms 62:5-6, Psalms 33:20-22, Lamentations 3:22-24

He Is Your Hope 

Death has a way of changing our hopes and dreams. We often hope for things like healthy bodies, bigger homes, and time spent with loved ones. But anyone who has watched dirt cover their spouse’s coffin knows how terribly temporary those things are. 

A few months after my husband died, a kind but clueless acquaintance asked me, “What are you looking forward to this year?” 

“Nothing,” I responded, too sorrowful to hide my honest thoughts behind a socially acceptable veneer of joy. 

It felt like nothing would ever be good again. Each day took an overwhelming effort to survive. Somedays, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. My dreams—our dreams—had died with my husband. What was there to look forward to but a bleak stretch of days alone? Birthdays, holidays, and vacations—the typical stuff of joy—felt dismal and sad. I wanted to go back in time, not forward to another day without him. 

To keep living when we’ve been ripped in half by the death of our spouse, we need a better hope than just good days ahead. We need a sturdy hope that death, age, and decay cannot steal from us. This is the hope Scripture provides. 

Lamentations 3:22-24 points to our sturdy hope. Instead of hoping in peaceful circumstances or personal prosperity, the author of Lamentations roots his hope in God’s steadfast love, unending mercy, and perfect faithfulness. 

David, the author of nearly half of the Psalms, lived a life filled with the things we think will make us happy: spouse, children, home, power, and wealth. Yet he also suffered times of betrayal, terror, family strife, and the death of a beloved child. As he followed God through a life filled with both joy and sorrow, he learned to hope in God, not his circumstances, proclaiming, “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken” (Psalm 62:5-6). 

Like David, let’s look to the Lord. He alone is our sturdy hope.