Does the pursuit of “better” weigh you down? Are you constantly comparing yourself to others? Most of us aren’t trying to be perfect. We’re just striving to be “better,” but this can quickly become a burden that weighs down our souls and prevents us from experiencing God’s rest. This plan looks at how a deeper understanding of God’s grace can guide us off of the self-improvement treadmill and help us kick the comparison habit.
Compared to Who?
Day 1
Scriptures: Psalms 55:2, 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, Galatians 6:4-5, Matthew 11:28-30, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Isaiah 46:4
There I stood in a worship service, hidden on the balcony. While singing the words to a chorus I’d known since childhood, I analyzed the singer’s every feature.
“God, you’re so good.”
Are her legs thinner than mine? They might be. Is she wearing heels? That would make them look thinner, that and the dark denim. That’s a cute sweater she’s wearing. She looks better than I do.
“God, you’re so good.”
She has such an incredible voice. I wish I was a better singer. Why didn’t I take voice lessons? Then I could have been a worship leader. She’s so in tune with Jesus. I bet she never struggles like I do.
“God, you’re so good. You’re so good to me.”
As I belted out the song’s last line, conviction overwhelmed me. While singing about God’s goodness—to me—I was comparing myself to another woman, sizing her up. At church, nonetheless! I’d measured myself against her from every angle—using fictional rulers I’d constructed to assess my value. Why do I constantly compare myself to others? Did I truly believe God was good to me? These are the questions I’ve wrestled with for years on my journey to finding freedom from comparison.
Do you ever find yourself lost in comparison’s labyrinth? See if any of this sounds familiar:
- Do you chase the “ers?” Start with better, for example then add—happier, healthier, thinner, stronger, nicer, wealthier, or smarter.
- Do you mentally keep a list of goals that promise they’ll take your life from drab to fab if you reach them?
- Do you look at old pictures and compare yourself to the “you” that you used to be?
- Do you look at images of others and compare yourself to the “you” that you long to be?
- Do you know in your head that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others but struggle to stop your heart from doing it?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then we have a lot in common. But carrying that burden of better weighs us down. We’re bogged down by pressures we were never meant to carry. Let’s journey through scripture to discover how God wants to free us from culture’s definition of better and bless us with his.
Day 2
Scriptures: Genesis 29:16-35, Genesis 30:1-22, Psalms 18:30, Isaiah 30:18, Genesis 4:1-15
Today I invite you to lay down the burden of “better” and try something revolutionary. I call it comparison-free living. Though I’m not a doctor, I feel confident writing this prescription: For your best chance at experiencing a life of joy, peace, and rest, you need to live comparison-free.
“Comparison-free? Is that even possible?” One friend asked me.
With Jesus’s help, I know you can live free of comparison. We miss so much of what God wants for us because we’re looking around instead of looking up.
I graduated from high school before the invention of social media, but I still spent decades battling comparison and body image issues. Comparison has been around since Bible times—just look at Cain and Abel, two dueling brothers. A few chapters later, sisters Rachel and Leah struggle in a grand contest of one-upmanship. Though the struggle of comparison is older than the pyramids, the avenues we can use to compare are now prolific thanks to technology. Within seconds, you can compare your life to just about anyone’s. Anywhere. Anytime.
But, friend, to roll over and back float in comparison’s tumultuous sea of insecurity would be a tragic mistake: tragic because God has so much planned for you, just as you are. God is not waiting for you to measure up—to get the look, lose the weight, remodel your home, get those extra degrees, earn the promotion, or even take better selfies! God is not worried about how you compare to those around you. He’s got a plan and purpose for your life that doesn’t depend on her life, or her life, or even hers. . . . God doesn’t saddle us with the burden of better. He invites us to rest in his best.
Day 3
Scriptures: Isaiah 64:8, Isaiah 54:10, Psalms 119:73-74, 1 Peter 2:9, Ephesians 2:10, 1 John 3:1
So how do you shine the light on comparison and make her go away? This is a hot topic for Internet memes. Maybe you’ve seen them. One popular picture quote is attributed to Steven Furtick: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” That’s a fine statement. There’s some truth to it. Often, we do compare their sparkle to our shambles. In this Facebook age, our friend’s perfect family picture pops up on the day we didn’t have time to shower or get the kids out of their pajamas. We fight with our spouse, then get on Instagram and see a friend’s “so romantic” date night. But here’s my problem with this as a proposed remedy for comparison: What if my ugly really is uglier than yours?
• What if their marriage fight is over toothpaste and yours over infidelity?
• What if their parenting problems are too many video games while yours involve serious rebellion?
• What if she battles the scale for ten pounds while you’re fighting to lose a hundred?
I wonder if this quote instructs us to compare our worst with someone else’s worst instead of quitting comparison altogether.
How do we stop comparing when we really are struggling? Pretty platitudes can’t answer this question.
Instead of defeating the beast, pithy quotes only put comparison on a leash to keep it from running wild. If we treat comparison as a pet to be tamed instead of a pest to be eliminated, we sidestep real spiritual issues that need attention.
When our hearts wonder, “Is it really okay that I’m not like her?” the only genuinely satisfying answers come from the Bible. Comparison isn’t an external issue focused on who we are or the abundance of our possessions. Comparison’s quest for better is an issue of the heart. When we search scripture, we can find out the truth of who we were created to be and how much God loves us, just as we are.
Day 4
Scriptures: James 2:1, 2 Corinthians 10, Proverbs 13:10, 1 Corinthians 4:6-7, Ephesians 4:7, Acts 20:24, Galatians 5:26
Comparison isn’t a big deal, we reason. “It’s necessary for my self-improvement,” we rationalize. My comparison doesn’t actually hurt anyone. Does it?
I’m afraid the Bible disagrees. It tells us not to size up other people (James 2:1). The apostle Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10 that comparing ourselves is foolish. When we become winners at the comparison game—we puff up with pride. But pride hurts our relationships by causing both division and strife (Prov. 13:10; 1 Cor. 4:6–7). When we become losers in the comparison game—we fill with envy, doubt, jealousy, and even lust. That’s not healthy for anyone, either.
I’m guilty too, so please don’t hear any condemnation from me. The anthem of “do better and be like her” beats in my head too often. I want to lift you up, not tear you down. But I also want us to clearly see what happens when we wear that burden of better.
I write about life in the land of comparison because I spent so much time there that they forced me to register my car. I didn’t understand grace or what it could be like to live comparison-free. But I’m learning to surrender my proclivity to chase better—and to ask God to help me learn to rest in him.
Like an Instagram filter, a greater understanding of God’s grace tints how we view the world and our place. That filter of grace helps us see every event, every struggle, and every triumph differently. Likewise, the filter of gratitude can help us actually change the way our brains are wired, wiping off those stains that comparison left so that we spend less time comparing and more time savoring the days that we have.
Comparison isn’t something you simply decide to get over. It’s not a life stage you grow out of (ask some of my podcast listeners who qualify for senior discounts at department stores), nor is it a trivial habit you can choose to write off as “no big deal.” Every minute you spend comparing is time stolen from your pursuit of God’s plans for you.
Day 5
Scriptures: 2 Chronicles 11, 2 Chronicles 12, Psalms 73, Proverbs 14:30, Proverbs 23:17
In Psalm 73, we can watch how Asaph combats his comparison. He confesses that his “feet had almost slipped.” Why? Because he thought, for a moment, that his life wasn’t good enough.
Asaph wasn’t a “nobody” in Old Testament times. He was a prominent Levite, and a famous singer and songwriter, in charge of all of the music for King David. He also served as a “seer” (or prophet) in the king’s courts. Consider him a combination of royal counselor and Chris Tomlin. He had social standing. He lived a comfortable life.
But Asaph outlived both kings he served, David and Solomon. He watched Jerusalem crumble as the kingdom was torn into north and south. The temple was in ruins. The people suffered while their wicked leaders built idols and abandoned the Lord (1 Kings chapters 11–14; 2 Chronicles 11–12). Times were tough, and as Asaph’s discomfort grew, so did his envy. It’s as if Asaph had Instagram. First, he envies their “healthy and strong” bodies (Ps. 73:4). Then, in verse 12, he idolizes their “carefree” lives. It’s like Asaph’s scrolling through their workout videos and vacation photos while he’s trapped in his room at the retirement home.
Asaph wonders if his years of following God have all been in vain. Though he’s tried to do things the Lord’s way—he questions if it’s made any difference. Asaph suffers while the wicked succeed. How can this be fair? Perhaps you can relate?
Then, something fascinating happens. As if snapping himself out of a dream—abruptly halting his spiraling thoughts—Asaph turns his heart to worship. In verses 16 and 17, Asaph confesses that he couldn’t make sense of it until he went “into the sanctuary of God.” Then, he remembered that this life is not the end game—it’s neither the parade nor our home. The wicked may prosper now, but that won’t always be their fate. He then pens poetic words to remind his heart of God’s faithfulness. We read in Psalm 73:23–26 how Asaph turns his comparing thoughts around.
To find contentment is to turn your heart to worship. The temptation to compare ourselves to others, to envy, to covet—they may never go away. But you can choose how you respond when each temptation comes. We can follow Asaph’s example and turn our hearts to worship.
Day 6
Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 15:10, Ephesians 2:6, Ephesians 4:7, 2 Corinthians 6:18, Philippians 2, Isaiah 58:11, Matthew 6:33
When our family visited the Grand Canyon, my travel-weary preteens were unimpressed. “Yeah, it’s a giant hole in the ground.” They griped.
There’s magnificent beauty in this natural wonder, but my children couldn’t see it. They saw what was missing instead of what was there.
Most of us are acutely aware of the space between who we are and who we want to be. We see what’s missing. We want to be better—but the gap feels unsurpassable.
A nagging voice tells us happiness awaits on the other side of that great divide—if only we could bridge the gap. This belief drives our comparison, fuels our striving, and may even motivate us to be healthier, work harder, finish school, you name it.
The problem is that the “better” place we believe we should reach is very much the same as the land on this side of the canyon. You can take the tour bus around the whole south rim of the Grand Canyon, and though the view may be different, you’re still staring at the same hole.
Some believe they’ve found a way to bridge the chasm to their ideal self. They’ve set weight loss or business goals and met them. But, when they reach the other side, they still feel dissatisfied. Contentment eludes them. This has happened to me more times than I care to confess while on my quest for self-improvement.
That chasm we all feel, God put that inside us. It’s a longing, a desire for something greater. This holy dissatisfaction draws us to God to find satisfaction in him alone. Trying to bridge this chasm by becoming more “ideal” never satisfies because the gap we need to fill isn’t between an earthly idea of perfection and ourselves; it’s between a perfect God and us. The only way to span that gap is with grace.
This may sound over-simplified to you. But stick with me, friend. Grace’s borders extend far beyond our worship song lyrics; its abyss is deeper than our imaginations can dive. God’s magnificent grace intermingles every minute of our daily lives. And, once we can see with new eyes the miracle of grace, we’ll be able to stop comparing and start living.
Day 7
Scriptures: Romans 8:39, Titus 2:11-14, Romans 3:23-25, Romans 11:16, Titus 3:6-7, Psalms 112:3, 1 Timothy 6:17, Ephesians 1:18
We retell the fable, but do we recognize how the tortoise wins the race, slowly and steadily? We prefer overnight successes. Rise to the top! Stand out from the crowd! Average might as well be reclassified as “not quite a winner.”
What if we spent more time thinking about how amazing it is that we’ve received God’s unmerited favor and less time wondering if we’re winning life’s imaginary races? Could this not cure our comparison?
If my parents planned to leave me ten million dollars when they passed, I don’t think I’d stress over financial pressures now, even when money is tight. I could see a future hope for financial stability that would alleviate any current stress. Couldn’t the same principles apply to the question of our worth? Could we be comfortable in our current state of “nothingness,” knowing we’ve already inherited everything? Does how we feel now matter as much as what we’ll experience for eternity?
Saving grace offers us the gospel in its simplest form. Many of us have this head knowledge, but what would our lives look like if we could embrace this truth? If I wholeheartedly believed that God accepted me through Jesus and that Jesus loved me so much that he would die for me, why would I worry about being accepted by anyone else?
• If I truly kept a kingdom perspective—where I understood that this is just a temporary place, a temporary body, and a temporary condition—why would I fixate on the digital readout from a box on the bathroom floor or a possible dirty look from a colleague?
• If I could fully understand, grasp, and comprehend God’s love for me—would I ever have cause to feel unworthy and compare myself to others?
• If I could grasp the magnitude of God the Creator as magnificent when compared to me, the creation, I would have no reason to be afraid of what others think of my legs, lawn, or life. God loves me. Why does anyone else’s opinion matter?