The Ministry of Marriage

Scriptures: Amos 3:3, Habakkuk 2:2-3, Proverbs 29:18

WHERE ARE WE GOING? (Vision)

I remember as an athlete in High School, one of my coaches said something that still to this day resonates with me. He said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road can take you there.” As a young, adventurous and tenacious adolescent, I struggled to understand this concept initially. It wasn’t until I matured into adulthood that it finally clicked. No matter where you’re from, if you don’t have a vision for your life, your career or your marriage, you will spend idle time, energy and effort going absolutely nowhere. I believe one of the most cunning schemes of the devil is to distract you from going in the direction of divine destiny and pursuing God’s plan for your life. In marriage, this is critical because the two of you become one unit that God joined together to be fruitful, multiply and have dominion (Genesis 1:28). In the daily grind of life, we often lose sight of God’s vision for our marriage while we focus more on the hustle and bustle of our careers, kid’s events, recreational activities, our own agendas, etc. Although we have good intentions, this “busyness” can become a huge detriment to our marriage.

I once heard a preacher say, “If the devil can’t make you sin, he will make you busy.” I’ll be the first to admit, I can find a million and one other things to do other than the assignment God has given me. When it’s time to read the Word, pray or minister to someone, so many distractions come out of nowhere to distract me from focusing on God’s agenda. Is it just me or do you also find yourself scrolling on social media, chatting with friends or watching television and by the time you look up, hours have passed and you still haven’t spent time with God in prayer or devotion? It’s interesting how your phone can be idle all day long but as soon as you open your Bible, that’s when friends and family want to call or text you. Maybe it’s just me.

You’re probably asking yourself, “How does any of this relate to marriage?” I’m glad you asked. It’s the same principle of distractions and detours that affect us in marriage because after the honeymoon phase wanes and you advance in your careers, have children and life starts “lifeing,” that’s when it becomes more difficult to remember the vision of where God is taking you in your marriage and ministry. Sometimes it is necessary to pull over at a rest stop to refuel, recalibrate and reset. Dear friends, God has a specific plan for your marriage and it is vitally important for you to not lose sight of His vision and plan for you. Every once in a while as husband and wife, you have to ask yourselves “Where are we going?” Take time to look at where you are and see if it is in line with the direction God wants you to go. If not, take time to pray together and seek God for guidance and ask Him to remove the distractions, conflicts and roadblocks that are preventing you from reaching your divine destiny in Him.

Prayer: Father, as we continue to grow as a married unit and as individuals, let us not lose sight of Your vision for our marriage and ministry. Help us to keep the main thing, the main thing and not be so busy that we put everything else ahead of You. Forgive us for missing the mark and for not making You a priority. We ask that You give us a clear vision of where You want us to go and let Your Holy Spirit be our navigational system to guide us to our destiny in You. In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen.

Scriptures: Psalms 37:23, 1 Corinthians 10:31, Ephesians 2:10

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

My wife Kara and I were two young college kids with no sense of purpose or direction in life when we exchanged vows in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on a cool autumn Saturday afternoon, on November 23rd, way back in 1996. I would be lying to you if I told you I was ready for the challenges ahead of me of becoming her husband, protector and provider. I was only 21 years old at the time with no college degree, no career and no blueprint of what a successful marriage looked like in my immediate family. All I had was faith in God and an adventurous heart that was willing to take the plunge into the deep waters of married life with the woman I was smitten by; to see what it was all about. And let me be the first to admit, it was far from what I assumed it would be, based on what I read in books or what I saw in movies. Now that you’re married, I’m sure many of you can relate.

Have you ever stopped for a moment to ask yourselves, “What are we doing?” The complexities of marriage can be overwhelming at times and nothing we studied or read, no webinar series or instructional videos can prepare you for the task of being married to your spouse. We approach marriage with all of these preconceived ideas or assumptions of how we expect things to be, but then we’re hit with a dose of reality once we make it back from the honeymoon and it’s time to start the real work. The Bible says in Proverbs 19:22, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Once we begin to understand that we can’t do marriage in our own wisdom or in our own strength, and we allow God to be our Master Teacher, we can be more prepared for the daily grind of marriage. And yes marriage is a grind, daily. And it’s in those small daily lessons you learn to be a better husband and a better wife. Things like learning your spouse’s love language and speaking it fluently, adopting the mindset of a servant, learning how to anticipate or predict their needs or desires and mastering the art of communication. Learning to hear their heart and not just their words all while hearing what they are saying by what they‘re not saying is a game-changer in marriage.

More importantly, when you submit to the word of God and the Holy Spirit’s leading and guidance, you become more equipped to be effective in your roles as husband and wife. Furthermore, when you surrender your marriage to God and take the posture of being a steward over that which He has blessed you with, it becomes much easier to do the daily work and focus on pleasing God through serving your spouse. Believe it or not, marriage is a good thing and God designed it to be fulfilling, fun and fruitful. Don’t allow the daily frustrations of life to distract you from making your marriage a sweet-smelling fragrance to God. Your marriage is God’s gift to you, what you make of it is your gift to God. Marriage is ministry.

Prayer: Father, You have blessed me with a spouse and life partner. Forgive me for the times I’ve taken them for granted and even for the times I’ve complained or been ungrateful. Give me a pure heart and a desire to love them the way You desire for them to be loved by me. Teach us to be students of one another and learn each other’s desires, passions and dreams and allow us to pursue them with tenacity and persistence. Let Your Holy Spirit fill in the gaps of the areas we don’t know what to do. We need Your wisdom and insight and we thank You in advance for it. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scriptures: Proverbs 19:21, Romans 8:28-30

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? (Purpose)

When it comes to marriage, I believe it is very important to know “what” you’re doing but I believe it’s even more important to know “why” you’re doing it. Your “why” is the purpose for which you are doing it. Once you have a solid grasp of why you do what you do, it makes it easier to do it with love, passion and zeal. As a couple, have you ever asked yourselves questions like, “Why are we the way we are together?” or “Why did we even choose to be married to each other?” I know these types of questions can be uncomfortable to answer but they are very necessary to ask. In the book of Jeremiah 1:5 God told the prophet Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” WOW! What a powerful thought to know that even before you were a twinkle in your mother and father’s eyes, God knew you and He had a specific plan for your life. I would venture further to say that before you were even born, God had a specific plan not only for your life but for your marriage as well. Have you ever considered that thought? If not, now is a good time to consider it. We have a Heavenly Father who is purposeful and pays close attention to every detail of our lives, even our relationships and He is not careless concerning His children.

You must understand that God has joined you and your spouse together on purpose. Every couple on the planet may have different assignments but the purpose of marriage is oneness and for the husband and wife to be a reflection of Christ and His bride (the Church). When you are operating in marriage on purpose, you are less likely to throw in the towel or give up so easily when life’s tests and trials come. Purpose gives you the tenacity and perseverance to weather the storms of marriage and it also gives you the hope that God is working all things out for the good to them that love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

The enemy often tries to infiltrate our thoughts with doubt and sometimes causes us to wonder if we are married to the right person. Have you been there? As soon as a disagreement or major conflict happens, here comes the voices in your head saying things like “Maybe we aren’t meant for each other” or “Maybe this is a sign that we missed God.” Or my ultimate favourite, “Maybe we’re just not compatible and we have too many irreconcilable differences.” Although it is easy to find valid excuses or justifications for these statements amid an argument, turmoil or conflict, the truth of the matter is that God doesn’t make mistakes and what He has joined together, let no man, woman, or misjudgments put asunder. God never promised there would not be conflict or trials in marriage but He did promise to never leave us nor forsake us and I promise you, if you can weather the storms, you will be able to look back and see that it was all working together for your good and for His glory.

Prayer: Lord, we admit that sometimes it is hard to see the purpose or the why in our marriage but we trust that You are an intentional God and You have designed all things for a purpose, even our marriage. Give us the wisdom and insight to understand our purpose and also how to be a purposeful couple that draws others closer to You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scriptures: Romans 12:2, Galatians 5:16, Ephesians 5:21-32

WHAT ARE OUR NON-NEGOTIABLES?

What are your “non-negotiables?” In other words, what are some things you both agree that you will not tolerate or compromise in your marriage? Not just from outsiders, I’m also talking about things that you refuse to tolerate from your spouse. Brace yourselves because today is gonna be a bumpy ride.

Today we will discuss boundaries in your marriage. Yes, you read it correctly, boundaries in your marriage. If you’re like me, you probably find this concept unnecessary because in a marriage there should be no limits, no boundaries and full reign to do whatever you want to do with each other. After all, you are now one, right? Wrong! If you’re still baffled or confused, stay with me and let’s unpack this. The Bible says in Genesis 2:24, “…and the two shall become one flesh.” This means the two of you become one unit in the heart of oneness, being on one accord, but it does not eliminate your individuality. You are both still who you were before you exchanged vows and God has not called you to give up your individual identity when He joined you together as husband and wife. It is important to understand this because countless marriages are suffering due to a lack of knowledge in this area. Ladies, when you become a wife, it doesn’t mean your desires, dreams and hobbies have to take a back seat. Men, when you become a husband, that doesn’t mean you have to put to rest your passions, goals and recreational activities. No, it simply means you now have to learn how to create a space where you both can have a healthy balance between being married and still having your own time for recreation and self-care. It also means having open communication on what you will or will not tolerate as it relates to the betterment or detriment of your marriage. These are non-negotiables.

What are some things that you both agree you will not compromise on as it relates to maintaining the health, peace and solitude of your marriage? Of course, there are obvious things that go without saying, like any form of abuse whether mentally, verbally or physically. Also, things like cheating, having an affair whether emotional or physical and any form of disrespect or disregard for the marriage. But I’m also talking about the small things that can eventually turn into huge problems down the road. For some of you, it may be the type of movies or shows you watch or the kind of music you listen to. For others, it may be unhealthy friendships or toxic family members. For someone else, it may be old patterns or routines. For example, ladies if you were accustomed to having girls’ night outs with your girlfriends on the weekends or shopping at the mall for hours on end when you were single, now that you’re married there will have to be some adjustments. I’m not saying you have to give it up altogether but there have to be boundaries set if you expect to have some harmony in your marriage. Fellas, if you created a habit of going out to happy hour after a long day of work with the guys during the week or spending your weekends watching sports, going to fight nights or partying and coming back home at sun-up when you were single, now that you’re married, there will definitely need to be some changes made if you expect your marriage to remain healthy and happy.

I know this is probably ruffling your feathers but let me call on my dear friend the Apostle Paul to put things into perspective for us. Paul says in Ephesians 5:21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” I am not saying any of these things we do for fun or recreation are wrong by any means, but there must be a sense of respect and consideration for your spouse when you are engaging in things that take time away from them or could potentially cause conflict in your marriage. Remember you are both individuals who happen to be on the same team under God’s leadership, so govern yourselves accordingly.

Prayer: Lord thank You for my husband/wife. Thank You for giving me someone to do life with and to grow with. God, we seek You for the tools we need to navigate the waters of harmony and unity in our marriage. Forgive us for the times we are selfish or self-centred and for not taking our spouse’s feelings and desires into consideration. Forgive us for compromising and not upholding the standard You have set for us in Your word. Our desire is to do better so that we may become better. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 12:9, Hebrews 12:1, James 5:16, Galatians 5:16

WHAT ARE OUR LIABILITIES?

In business, a liability is often referred to as money owed, a debt or any type of financial obligation. However, in marriage, a liability is dead weight, extra baggage or anything that is holding you back from reaching your full God-given potential as husband and wife. Whether you want to admit it or not, every marriage has something or maybe even someone who is a liability and is stopping you from achieving success in your marriage and relationship. You can come from an affluent lineage of wealth and resources or you can be from the ghettos of the inner-city but one thing is for certain, we all have liabilities when it comes to marriage. I don’t care how many college degrees you have or if your highest level of education is the third grade, every marriage has liabilities and the longer it takes for you to discover or unveil them, the longer it will take for your marriage to reach its full potential.

Liabilities in marriage take many different forms. It may show up as poor communication when you both face conflict. The husband may shut down and it causes anger in the wife, while the wife may yell during conflict and it provokes anger in the husband. This is one of many examples of a liability in marriage. Another instance could be a spending habit that is getting out of control. Although they may be small online purchases, after some time those small purchases add up. And even though your spouse doesn’t say anything about it to prevent confrontation, inside they are resentful and are becoming a ticking time bomb on the brink of exploding. Liabilities can also come in the form of outsiders such as unhealthy secret friendships that you create on the job or elsewhere. You never introduce them to your spouse and your conversations and interactions are questionable and sometimes inappropriate. That’s a definite liability.

Hebrews 12:1, says “…let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” I don’t know if you’ve ever run in a race before but I can assure you, it is much easier to run faster with less weight on you than it is to run with a backpack, heavy shoes or with something that slows you down. It’s the same way with being married. You will be less likely to go far when you have a big huge burden from your past or some secret sin holding you back from being the husband or wife God called you to be to your spouse. And as hard as it may be to deal with, it is imperative that you take the leap of faith to give it to God and lay it at His feet. He is the only one who can give you freedom from it and heal you from the pain it has caused. Otherwise, if you continue to ignore it and refuse to address it, it’s only a matter of time before it comes crashing down and destroys everything you worked so hard to maintain. Liabilities are never good in any sense. And no matter how much you dress it up or try to make light of it, there will always be a deficit in your love toward one another until you can be mature enough to, first of all, admit you have things that need to be dealt with. Confess them to one another; have a heart of repentance and watch what God can do with two people who are truly naked and unashamed.

Prayer: Lord, we confess our faults and our secrets to You. Give us the courage and boldness to resist the temptation of keeping secrets from our spouse. Give us grace to be patient with one another and forgive each other when we have wronged one another just like You forgive us. We are not perfect but Your strength is made perfect in our weakness. Help us to lay aside every weight or liability that will stop us from reaching our full potential in You. We are so grateful for Jesus paying the penalty for our sins on the cross and we surrender our will to Your will so that we may be a reflection of Your glory in the earth. We love You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scriptures: Matthew 6:19-21, Ephesians 1:3, 1 Peter 2:9

WHAT ARE OUR ASSETS?

Yesterday we talked about liabilities and laying aside the weight of sin, distractions and unhealthy relationships that hold you back from reaching your full potential in marriage. Today we will talk about discovering your assets in your marriage. And just like every marriage has its share of liabilities, every marriage also has assets. I know there are some of you probably thinking to yourself, “Lonnie, you don’t know how bad our situation is. Our marriage is barely hanging on by a thread and I seriously doubt if we have any assets to discover.” Although I empathize with your situation, I disagree with you. Regardless of your circumstance or how awful it may be, you’re still in the fight and have not thrown in the towel yet, so that’s proof that you have at least one asset still worth fighting for.

An asset is defined as something useful or valuable. Typically when people discuss assets, it’s in the context of property, wealth or material possessions, but those are not the types of assets I’m talking about. When I mention assets as it pertains to marriage, I’m talking about the intangible things that money can’t buy. Things like love, peace, joy, family, companionship, intimacy, friendship, honesty, openness and passion, just to name a few. These are the assets that help cultivate an amazing and lasting marriage. Every once in a while, you must set aside some time to take inventory of the assets you have in your marriage. By making time to do this, it helps minimize or eliminate the thoughts or feelings of lack in your relationship. And it prevents you from falling into the comparison trap by comparing what you have to what another couple has. It also gives you a greater appreciation for your spouse and helps you protect your investment in your marriage.

My wife Kara is my best friend and we value our friendship as much as we value each other as husband and wife. I realize when I hurt my best friend, I in turn hurt myself. When I am dishonest with my best friend, I am not only affecting her trust in me, but I am damaging our friendship as well as our marriage. Our friendship is one of our greatest assets in our marriage and I am willing to fight for it and guard it at all costs. What are some things you value in your marriage that money can’t buy? What are you doing to protect your investment? I challenge you as a couple to spend some uninterrupted time alone to make a list of your assets and share your thoughts, feelings and ideas on what you both can do to enhance them. Your marriage is valuable and God honors it. Make it a priority to add value to each other’s lives consistently and watch how fulfilling and pleasurable your marriage can be because of your daily investment.

Prayer: Lord, You do all things well. You created marriage for a husband and wife to have oneness with each other and with You. Your Word says marriage is honourable and we choose to honour You in our marriage. Help us to see the priceless value in each other and give us the tenacity and boldness to guard it from anything that will try to hinder it or destroy it. Thank You for Your investment in us and we surrender to Your will for our marriage. We love You and honour You in Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scriptures: Luke 6:38, 2 Corinthians 9:6-8, 1 Peter 4:10-11

WHAT CAUSE ARE WE FIGHTING FOR? (Service/Charity)

One of the greatest joys the two of you could ever experience as a married couple is knowing you are making a difference on this earth. There are so many causes worth fighting for in this world and I believe God gives us the grace, ability and means to serve others who are less fortunate. And what better way to serve as a couple knowing you are being the hands and feet of Jesus. When you think about how much God has blessed your marriage over the years, how many doors He has opened for you and all of the opportunities He has provided for you to gain influence and accumulate resources, it’s only fitting to be a blessing to someone else. What charities or organizations are you passionate about? What causes are you both eager to fight for in your local community and beyond? Are you serving together in your local Church? In your Neighborhood? In the local School District? There are a lot of charities and civic organizations that could benefit not just from your financial gifts, but from your knowledge, wisdom and insight as well as your time and service. And here’s a fun fact, couples that serve together are more likely to strengthen their unity and find greater fulfillment in helping others.

Luke 6:38 says, “Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it shall be measured back to you.” Oftentimes, in the Church, we quote this scripture as it relates to finances, tithes and offerings but I would like you to consider a different perspective. Perhaps this could also be about giving your time, gifts and service to others. God is pleased when you bless others by serving or assisting them. He loves cheerful givers. Now ask yourselves, “What causes are we passionate about enough to do something to make a difference in the lives and well-being of others?” This is how you and your spouse can work together as a team to minister to others. My wife and I are advocates for helping build strong marriages. We have dedicated our lives together to fight for marriages. It is our mission and calling. Marriage mentorship is our passion and we enjoy serving couples and helping them reach their God-given potential. The divorce rate for Christian marriages is at an all-time high. So we want to do our part as the Lord leads us to help minimize that to the best of our ability. For some of you, you may have a passion for children placed in foster care. For others, you may have a passion for world missions. Many of you may have a heart for the homeless, drug addicts, battered women, etc. Whatever your passion is, ask God to open a door of opportunity for you to serve and be a blessing to someone in need. Trust me, God will reward your generosity and honour your heart to serve others.

Prayer: Lord, give us a servant’s heart. Help us become a couple that makes a difference in our community and our world. You sent Your Son Jesus into this world not to be served but to serve others. We want to model His standard in our Communities, the local Church and our circles of influence. You have blessed us beyond measure and we want to bless others through volunteering our time and giving our resources to those who need it most. Give us direction and compassion to help others. In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen.

Scriptures: Proverbs 13:22, John 13:34-35, Revelation 12:11

WHAT IS OUR LEGACY?

As we conclude our time together, I want to commend you both for making it to the final day of this devotion. Marriage is a blessing and a gift from God but it’s not easy and is definitely not for the weak. On this last day, I want to ask you something that I really need you to dig deep and think about. When you are dead and gone and others talk about you, what do you want them to say? Furthermore, what legacy would you like to leave for those coming after you? These are two very serious questions that require an introspective look into who you really are, what you are made of and what you are doing to have a purposeful and meaningful marriage. I remember Carlton Pearson, one of my mentors and spiritual advisors saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” He would also say, “It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice.” Have you considered the impact your marriage is having on the lives of others in your sphere of influence?

If you are married with children, what are you modelling for your kids and grandkids? Have you created an environment in your home for the Holy Spirit to operate freely? Is your home a safe haven for your children to feel loved and protected? Do you model unconditional love, forgiveness and grace toward each other or have you created an atmosphere of drama, confusion and chaos? Is there structure and order in your home or is there carelessness, compromise and confusion? These are important things to consider because the standard you set for your children in your marriage and household will be the blueprint they use when they meet their spouse and start a family.

Marriages everywhere are under attack and there seems to be a diabolical assignment of the devil to destroy the sanctity of marriage and the foundation of the family unit. We see it all around us and if we as believers don’t take a stand for truth and righteousness and become beacons of hope, the enemy will succeed.

Proverbs 13: 22 says, “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, but the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous.” I believe every lesson and every blessing you have received throughout your marriage is a stepping stone for your children and the generations to come. That’s why it is important to invest in the lives of others and willingly share with your children all God has brought you from over the years; all your wins, losses, miracles, and even your past struggles. Those are the days that made these days of bliss you’re walking in today that much sweeter. I challenge you to create a marriage that not only pleases God but also inspires the next generation to glean from. Thank you for spending the past eight days with me. My prayer is that God will continue to use you and your spouse to be a blessing to others. Until we meet again, peace and blessings.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, You have blessed us to be a blessing to others and we count it a privilege to be a witness to others of Your love and faithfulness throughout our marriage. As we continue to build together, help us pour into others the same way other couples that You placed in our lives have poured into us. Let the work we do be pleasing to You and may it inspire the next generation to grow closer to You. In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen.