Marriage is what you make it—for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse. But you may not feel like your marriage is all it could be. Thankfully, you don’t have to wonder which choices and behaviors support a flourishing marriage. God has a design for a loving, lasting, thriving marriage. No matter what you’ve been through, it’s still possible to be and to stay in love.
North Point Community Church
Day 1
Scripture: Ephesians 5:31-32
For Better or for Worse
God’s Word tells us a lot about marriage. Though our customs may differ from those described in Scripture, the underlying principles of relationships remain the same. God has a lot to say about giving and receiving love. He has a lot to say about relationships and how to nurture growth. Why wouldn’t he? He created it all. The same God who created the universe created marriage—and he wants your marriage to work.
We usually think of marriage as a story with two main characters: husband and wife. We’re the co-stars of our shared story. During the good times, we take full credit. During the not-so-good times, we tend to blame each other.
But Scripture tells a different marriage story—one in which God not only plays a part but also has the starring role.
When you invite God into the center of your marriage, your relationship as husband and wife is strengthened. A marriage is always most enjoyable when the couple depends on their heavenly Father.
God’s portrait of the first human relationship (described in Genesis) and Jesus’s affirmation of it (Matthew 19:4–6) reflect how much God values marriage and how invested he is in your marriage.
A husband and wife should be representatives of God’s love for each other. God wants to use you to express his love to your spouse. This isn’t a formula for a great marriage because there’s no guarantee your spouse will reciprocate your love. But being a representative of God’s love is the only way to experience marriage as God intended.
God designed marriage to be a picture of the love of Jesus for all Christians. Everyone around you is supposed to see Jesus’s love in how you and your spouse relate to each other. Every marriage is meant to model what God has done for us through Jesus.
If introducing God into your marriage is a new idea, that’s okay. Most couples include a Bible verse or two in their wedding ceremonies, but they don’t recognize God in the daily workings of their married lives. It’s easy when you’re in the middle of a parenting crisis or a financial disagreement to miss the opportunity to look for God.
But something unique happens when a couple admits to God that they need him. God uses marriage to draw us closer to him and to help us experience what it’s like to love someone as he loves us.
Day 2
Scriptures: Matthew 7:1, Matthew 7:4-5
Work on You First
How many times have you said, “If only he would…” or “If only she would…”? Working on our spouses may be our instinctive approach to working on our marriages, but it isn’t effective.
We tend to judge our own shortcomings less severely than the shortcomings of others—even the people we’re closest to and love the most. We love ourselves enough to believe the best about our motives but find it difficult to extend the same grace to others.
Jesus can help you become more loving and gracious. The more you accept your need for Jesus, the more you’ll share his grace with your spouse.
But if you don’t press forward on this character growth, your own flaws will blind you. Jesus said it best:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. … How can you say, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:1, 4–5)
Jesus didn’t say it was wrong to help your spouse overcome defects and flaws—to “take the speck out.” He said you can only do that effectively when you’ve dealt with your own shortcomings. Then you can see clearly to lovingly and selflessly help others deal with their faults.
You may feel like your spouse’s flaws are log-sized, while yours are only specks. It’s possible you’re correct, but Jesus warns us not to begin there. The most effective way to change your marriage for the better is to deal with whatever is in your own eye.
Changing your marriage begins with the choice to change yourself—not because it’s fair, but because you may be the only person in your marriage who has a vision of your marriage’s potential. You’re the one who can humble yourself; you’re the one who can put aside your pride.
Your efforts to take God’s vision and commands seriously, seeking his help to grow beyond your faults, have the potential to influence your spouse to do the same. Over time, it’s likely your spouse will realize you’ve stopped trying to play God by orchestrating their personal improvement. The pressure will be off, and your spouse will find it easier to give you the same freedom to become the husband or wife God intended.
With that kind of freedom and encouragement, two maturing people can’t help but create a strong, thriving marriage.
Day 3
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
A Safe Place
What does it mean to feel safe? It’s a question that usually evokes thoughts of personal safety—seatbelts, door locks, maybe even an alarm system. But what about safety on an emotional level? What does it mean to feel safe when asking your husband for help with the kids? What does it mean to feel safe when asking your wife why she seems more on edge than usual?
The freedom to share emotions is a vital element of a thriving marriage. When your marriage is at a place where you can be completely honest and open about your hopes, dreams, fears, hurts, and joys, it nurtures satisfying communication, effective conflict resolution, and greater stability. But without a sense of safety, the emotional connection necessary for the best of marriages is impossible.
Here’s the bottom line: In order to have a thriving marriage, you must become a safe spouse.
Consider: Would you turn to your spouse for emotional support if you didn’t feel safe? Neither would your spouse.
You can learn methods of effective communication or creative ideas to improve marital intimacy, but without safety, you’ll remain emotionally disconnected. In a safe marriage, both spouses are seen, heard, and valued.
If you don’t feel valued and protected by those around you, you’ll keep your guard up. You’ll cope—you’ll find ways to work and play with those in your life. But that’s no way to live. Why cope when you can thrive?
First Corinthians 13 is likely the most frequently read Scripture at wedding ceremonies. It describes the kind of true love that is the foundation of a safe marriage:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)
The apostle Paul originally wrote those words in a letter to the disgruntled members of a community struggling to achieve unity. But the principles apply to any kind of relationship—especially marriage. In fact, loving the way Paul describes will create a safe environment that nurtures emotional intimacy.
Day 4
Scriptures: 1 Peter 5:6-7, Philippians 2:3-4
Desires or Demands?
Before marrying, we all had ideas about what married life would be like. We played out scenarios in our heads and spent our dating lives mulling desires in the backs of our minds. When we married, we made our spouses responsible for fulfilling those desires. “I do” was barely out of our mouths when we placed the burden of our needs on our spouses’ shoulders.
That burden set our spouses and our marriages up for failure. Eventually, our desires became demands, and that’s when problems arise. What was once, “I hope our marriage…” became, “You promised to…” Demanding that your spouse meet your needs is a recipe for disaster.
When our desires become demands or expectations, our marriage relationships begin to resemble contractual partnerships. In a contract marriage, promises are made, and both husband and wife look to each other to keep those promises. In that kind of marriage, everything is okay as long as husbands and wives do what’s expected of them—what they owe. But when they miss a payment, the penalties can be swift and severe. After all, contracts don’t often include clauses stipulating grace and forgiveness.
The opposite of a contract marriage is a covenant marriage. In a covenant marriage, both husband and wife put the other’s needs first. Each spouse is committed to loving the other unconditionally and without demands. That’s the kind of love God shows us—the kind he has designed to be the fuel for thriving marriages.
Unfortunately, not every marriage is a covenant marriage. And even in covenant marriages, it’s impossible for husbands and wives to completely meet each other’s needs.
If we have God-given needs our spouses can’t meet, what can we do? Ignore those needs? Pretend they don’t exist? Suppress our desires in an attempt to be selfless? Should we just abandon the hopes and dreams we brought with us into marriage? In a letter written to the early church, the apostle Peter offers a different solution:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6–7)
God didn’t design your marriage so your spouse would meet all of your needs. Your spouse will meet some of your needs, but only God can meet all of them. His plan is for you to depend solely upon him.
In thriving marriages, each spouse trusts God to meet their needs without making demands of the other. Your desires and dreams will always matter to God, even when they don’t seem to matter to your spouse. Bring them to God, and you’ll find that he gives you the strength and grace to carry on.
Day 5
Scripture: Genesis 2:24
Family of Origin
“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” “He’s a chip off the old block.” “Like mother, like daughter.” “Like father, like son.” These may be clichés, but sayings become clichés for a reason. There’s a measure of truth behind them. We inherit much from our parents and the environments in which we were raised.
Your parents’ personalities, choices, habits, and relationship with each other all contributed to making you who you are today. They even shaped the way you look at your own marriage. Whether consciously or not, we all tend to either embrace or rebel against our parents’ ways of doing things.
We’re often unaware of how we’re influenced as adults by our childhood relationship with our parents. During our formative years, our home lives created a set of assumptions that we carried into adulthood—they defined “normal” for us.
To make better sense of your present, you have to look at your past.
Consider the huge number of things influenced by the homes we were raised in: handling of money, celebration of holidays, mealtime routines, conflict resolution, sharing of affection, assertion of authority, tidiness, and spontaneity, among others.
If you’re not aware of your own assumptions, any of these things can become a source of conflict and confusion for you and your spouse. Maybe your family freely expressed emotions and your spouse’s family didn’t. Maybe your parents argued loudly and often, while your spouse’s parents never fought in front of the kids. When you assume that your family’s style of communication and conflict resolution were normal and that style is completely foreign to your spouse, you can come away confused about your spouse’s behavior and how to respond to it.
For your benefit and your spouse’s, you need to take a close look at your family background to determine how it affected you. You may feel like you’re dishonoring your parents or opening old wounds. That’s understandable. That’s okay. But remember, almost every parent wants the best for their children. Most parents, good or bad, do the best they can. Even the best parents have things they wish they’d done differently.
Your goal is to look at the ways your parents did things and decide which things you need to leave behind and replace with the example of Jesus Christ. It’s the only way to become the best spouse you can be.
When you better understand your tendencies and when you can explain them to your spouse, your marriage will thrive like never before.
Day 6
Scriptures: Ephesians 4:15, James 1:19, Proverbs 18:13
Communication
Why is communication in marriage so difficult?
Good communication doesn’t come naturally for most of us. Many of us grew up in families that didn’t communicate well and, as we learned, our families shape us in big ways.
The key to good communication is being intentional. What’s most important is that you reflect Christ in your communication with each other.
Learning to communicate better won’t happen overnight. Reflecting Christ in our communication involves breaking bad habits and creating new ones—especially when it comes to difficult conversations. It will require patience and perseverance.
To communicate more effectively, you need to become aware of how each of you communicates because spouses often have different communication styles. Some think carefully before speaking, while others can’t think without speaking. Some need time to process, while others are quick and decisive. Even if you and your spouse are on opposite ends of the communication spectrum, it’s important to remember that you don’t need to “fix” your spouse’s differences. It’s more helpful to learn to appreciate and value those differences.
God designed your differences to be complementary, not points of conflict. Identifying your unique communication styles helps you avoid miscommunication and goes a long way in creating a thriving marriage.
Ask God for help— especially before you begin an important conversation. Praying humbly before you talk not only enlists God’s help but also moves you to listen more closely and be slower to speak.
When you listen well, you communicate that you value your spouse and that they are important to you—more important than the TV, the kids, or your phone. To listen well, focus on what your spouse is saying without thinking about how you’ll respond.
Communication is a two-way street. Today’s verse from James 1 says we should be slow to speak; it doesn’t say we should bottle up our thoughts and emotions. The times and the ways you choose to express yourself make all the difference. If you mostly communicate during times of conflict, your spouse isn’t likely to receive your views well. But if you learn to talk about what you’re feeling when you’re not in conflict—when your spouse feels that you have their best interests at heart—your words will go deeper.
Paul talks about “speaking the truth in love.” Sometimes we hold back what we think or feel in an effort to be loving. At other times, we offer the truth bluntly and without regard for our spouses’ feelings. Healthy assertiveness means choosing the right time and blending love and truth as we speak.
Day 7
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Conflict
While conflict is inevitable in marriage, we don’t need to fear it. Two people with individual personalities, expectations, and histories aren’t going to agree on everything. In successful marriages, couples don’t avoid or eliminate conflict; they learn to navigate it in a way that leads to greater intimacy rather than isolation.
All couples have a choice. When faced with conflict, they can turn away from each other or turn toward each other. Couples who learn how to face issues and turn toward each other experience deeper, more satisfying marriages. They don’t stop having conflicts, but the destructive power of their problems is minimized.
Since conflict is unavoidable, we need to improve the way we handle it.
The good news is that Scripture offers us healthy guidelines for living harmoniously with each other. Let’s revisit 1 Corinthians 13:4–7:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Let’s look at four principles from this passage and see how they apply to conflict:
LOVE IS PATIENT. Slow down. Be patient with your spouse. Try not to let a disagreement escalate into a battle. The first few minutes of a conversation almost always determine the outcome.
LOVE IS NOT PROUD. Swallow your pride. When you’re hurt, feel attacked or dishonored, or have strong emotions about the topic of discussion, your pride pulls you into attack mode. Humility doesn’t make you a doormat. It has the power to calm conflict. It’s nearly impossible to fight with a humble person.
LOVE REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH. We all tend to exaggerate our own righteousness. It’s human nature. We frame our words, motives, and behavior in the best light. But sometimes we need to consider that our spouse’s perspective may be correct. We need to be open to admitting that truth.
LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS, TRUSTS, HOPES, AND PERSEVERES. Keep leaning toward your spouse. Navigating a conflict in a healthy way requires that you have regular conversations. Avoid allowing tension to build up. If you do, an argument over one issue will cascade into an argument over a series of unresolved issues that have built up over time.
Conflicts aren’t fun, but they are inevitable. Addressed in healthy ways, they become opportunities to enhance relational intimacy. God uses them to draw us into greater dependence on his grace, which makes us better partners.
Day 8
Scripture: Colossians 3:13
The Gift of Forgiveness
On your wedding day, you and your spouse were convinced that you loved each other so much you could overlook almost any imperfections. It became a different story once you had to live with each other’s imperfections day after day. That’s why couples need to learn to forgive.
There’s a lot of confusion about forgiveness. So, before we talk about what it is, let’s talk about what it isn’t.
The phrase “forgive and forget” is well-meaning but inaccurate. Sure, some of the wrongs we forgive should and will be forgotten, but forgiveness doesn’t cause amnesia. Don’t let your inability to instantly forget an offense stop you from forgiving it.
What if you still feel angry, hurt, or confused? Does that mean you haven’t forgiven? No. The path to emotional healing is to forgive now and heal later.
Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook or condoning bad behavior. Asking for change and restitution isn’t inappropriate, but it’s also not a prerequisite in order for you to extend forgiveness.
Forgiveness isn’t pretending you weren’t hurt. It’s not letting the hurt settle into the background as time goes on.
Scripture uses two phrases to paint a picture of the forgiveness we received when Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our sins. First, forgiveness is the canceling of a debt—the extension of grace. Second, it is a pardon from a crime—the release of an obligation. When we trust in Jesus as our Savior, grace is extended, and we’re released from the obligation of the debt of our sin. Receiving forgiveness from God is amazing. It’s also amazing when a husband and wife decide to give each other the gift of forgiveness.
Forgiving others can be costly and difficult. It doesn’t come naturally. But in light of God’s forgiveness, learning to forgive others is possible. In fact, God expects us to forgive. It’s vital for any healthy relationship—especially marriage.
When you respond to your spouse’s request for forgiveness, you’re acting as a steward of the forgiveness God extended to you. Ask God for the strength and the desire to choose to forgive. It’s your choice, and you’re capable of forgiving. But remember that accepting your spouse’s apology and granting forgiveness is only the beginning of the process. You’ll have to choose to forgive each time the thing that hurt you comes to mind. . . and each time it happens again. (Your spouse isn’t going to be perfect.) When you forgive, you’re making a promise to never use the issue against your spouse. You’re committing to not letting it be a barrier between you.
Day 9
Scripture: Mark 10:7-8
Intimacy
Intimacy—real intimacy—is about knowing and being known. It’s being so closely connected to another person that there’s no need for pretense or self-protection—no need to hold the other person at arm’s length out of fear of pain or rejection. That kind of intimacy is God’s design for marriage.
Marital intimacy is a pursuit of oneness—an ongoing quest to discover as much as we can about our spouses and to reveal everything about ourselves.
Intimacy involves all three aspects of a person: physical, emotional, and spiritual. To pursue only one or two aspects fails to produce the oneness God wants for us. When we don’t pursue all three, we’re left only partially fulfilled, or worse, frustrated and lonely.
Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy is one of the most important ways God designed us to experience that oneness. It’s more than sex, but sex is a huge part of it.
Sex is the convergence of all three forms of intimacy—physical, emotional, and spiritual. Sex at its best becomes the celebration of oneness between two people who are fully known by each other.
In order to experience physical oneness the way God intended, we need real connection. It doesn’t start in the bedroom. We need the harmony that comes with a good spiritual connection, the friendship that comes with a good emotional connection, and the romance that comes with anticipating where those things can lead.
Emotional Intimacy
We have already established how important physical intimacy is in marriage. But most of married life happens outside the bedroom.
Your spouse should be your best friend—a trusted confidant and ally who always has your back, someone genuinely committed to your well-being. Building that kind of emotional intimacy requires time, shared experiences, and consistency. It requires a desire to truly “know” your spouse—to be intently and eternally curious about them and to share yourself with them.
Spiritual Intimacy
Marriage doesn’t cause us to morph physically into a single new being. Our oneness before God is something of a spiritual mystery, but it’s clear that God views married couples as single units. A husband and a wife in marriage uniquely share that kind of tight spiritual bond. No other relationship produces that kind of oneness.
God wants to be an integral part of our marriages. Not only do we share our physical and emotional lives with our spouses, we share our faith—our relationship with God. While we’re each responsible for our own spiritual journeys, it’s important to share experiences as we’re growing. If true intimacy encompasses our whole beings, then we have to learn how to grow together spiritually.
Don’t forget to invite God into this process. Marriage was his idea. He is the master craftsman of intimacy, and he wants to help you achieve it.