C-O-N-F-L-I-C-T — many of us would rather spell it than experience it! Even so, it is an inevitable part of life. Whether the result of unmet expectations, selfish motives, hurt feelings, sharp words, pride, or a number of other contributors, we can expect conflict to show up. How do we handle these times of disagreement? Let’s think about how we might approach this subject.
The Dr. James Dobson Family Institute
Day 1
Scriptures: Titus 3:1-2, Proverbs 12:18, Proverbs 16:24
Fight Fair
“Remind the people . . . to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all.” (Titus 3:1-2)
Since some conflict in marriage is inevitable, learning to fight fair just might be the most important skill a couple can master. The key is to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy combat.
In an unstable marriage, hostility is aimed at the partner’s soft underbelly with comments such as “You never do anything right!” “Why did I marry you in the first place?” and “You’re getting more like your mother every day!” These offensive remarks strike at the heart of self‐ worth. Healthy conflict, by contrast, focuses on the issues that cause disagreement: “It upsets me when you don’t tell me you’re going to be late for dinner,” or “I was embarrassed when you made me look foolish at the party last night.” Can you hear the difference?
Even though these approaches may be equally contentious, the first assaults the dignity of the partner, while the second addresses the source of conflict. Couples who learn this important distinction are much better prepared to work through disagreements without wounds and insults.
Questions for Today . . .
- When there is a fight, am I more likely to attack the person and miss the problem, or to attack the problem and protect the person?
- What did Jesus say about yielding to others when we are unfairly attacked or criticized? (See Matthew 5:38–41; Luke 6:27–31.)
- How can I do a better job of fighting fair to help my relationship?
Prayer . . .
Father, I need Your help to show love and respect while resolving differences. I don’t want disagreements to hurt the relationships You’ve graciously given me. I know Your power and wisdom can be mine each day, and I humbly ask for them. Amen.
(Excerpted from Dr. James and Shirley Dobson’s book, Night Light for Couples. Used with permission.)
Day 2
Scriptures: 1 Peter 2:17, Romans 15:2, Philippians 2:3-4
The Line of Respect
“Show proper respect to everyone.” (1 Peter 2:17)
Conflict can often play a positive role in marriage—especially when it helps maintain lines of respect.
Suppose I (Dr. James Dobson) work at my office two hours later than usual on a particular night. I know that Shirley is preparing a candlelight dinner, yet I don’t call to let her know I’ll be late. As the evening wears on, Shirley wraps the cold food in foil and puts it in the refrigerator. When I finally get home, I don’t apologize. Instead, I sit down with the newspaper and abruptly tell Shirley to get my dinner ready. You can bet there would be fireworks in the Dobson household that night! Shirley would rightfully interpret my insensitive behavior as insulting and would move to defend the “line of respect” between us. Her strong feelings would be totally justified.
Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose Shirley knows I need the car at 2:00 p.m. for some important purpose, but she deliberately keeps me waiting. Perhaps she sits in a restaurant with a friend, drinking coffee and talking. Meanwhile, I’m pacing the floor at home wondering where she is. It is very likely that she will hear about my dissatisfaction when she gets home. Even though the offense was minor, the line of respect has been violated.
Some things are worth defending. At the top of the list is the “line of respect” between husbands and wives.
Questions for Today . . .
- When was the last time we had a fight that was good for our relationship?
- Have I crossed the line of respect recently?
- How will upholding the line of respect improve my marriage?
Prayer . . .
Dear Lord, I want to show respect for my spouse, but I confess that I am too often self-centered and insensitive. Forgive me, Lord. Grant me Your grace as I defend the mutual rights that are the foundation of our affection. Amen.
(Excerpted from Dr. James and Shirley Dobson’s book, Night Light for Couples. Used with permission.)
Day 3
Scriptures: Ephesians 4:26, James 5:16, Ephesians 4:31-32
After the Fight
“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26)
Sometimes it’s not the fight itself that’s damaging, but what happens when the battle is over. Think for a moment about your own verbal spats with your mate. Do they usually result in a time of healing, or are issues left hanging for a “rematch” later on? Do you and your spouse agree to leave an argument behind after you’ve talked it out, or is there a prolonged period of distance and silence?
In unstable marriages, conflict is never entirely resolved. Resentment and hurt feelings accumulate over time and eventually turn to bile in the soul, which then erodes the relationship from within. But in healthy relationships, confrontation allows ventilation that ends in forgiveness, a drawing together, and a better understanding of each other.
After an argument with your spouse, ask yourself these four important questions: Are there things I’ve said or done that have grieved my partner? Do I need to ask forgiveness for attacking the self-worth of my spouse? Have I refused to let go of an issue even though I said it was settled? Are there substantive matters that haven’t been resolved? Then move to put an end to the conflict—before the sun goes down.
Questions for Today . . .
- In our last fight, did we resolve the issue in question?
- Do our conflicts usually end positively, or with hurt feelings and unanswered questions?
- What changes would help us resolve conflicts “before the sun goes down?”
Prayer . . .
Lord, give me the maturity and strength to settle disagreements quickly and without damaging the personhood of another. I know that this is Your will, but I need Your guidance to live by it. Amen.
(Excerpted from Dr. James and Shirley Dobson’s book, Night Light for Couples. Used with permission.)