Wouldn’t it be great if you could have conflict in your marriage that led to resolution and connection instead of anxiety, stress, and disconnection? Conflict in marriage isn’t bad, but there is a healthy way to have it. This five-day plan will help you learn what God’s word says about conflict and share ways to apply those truths in your life today.Expedition Marriage
Day 1
Scriptures: Proverbs 16:18, Philippians 2:3-4
Be Humble and Filled with Grace
As Christian Counselors, pride is one of the most significant issues we see that is causing pain in marriages. I wish I could say it never affected my marriage, but sadly it did. I entered my marriage with a chip on my shoulder from some past wounds that I left unhealed. Those unhealed wounds left me prideful and unwilling to accept responsibility for anything, even when it was my fault. If you’ve ever read Proverbs 16:18, when it talks about pride coming before the fall, I can testify that this is true. A lack of humility was slowly but surely wreaking havoc in my marriage.
Walking in humility and extending grace is necessary to having conflict healthily and biblically. Philippians 2:3-4 reminds us to consider others above ourselves and to look out for their interests. Pride demands the opposite. Selfishness was the error I was making in my marriage. I was looking out for my needs and prioritizing them over my husband’s, so much so that I wasn’t even willing to give him enough grace to hear him out. My way was nothing more than a recipe for disaster that would lead to the fall of our marriage if I continued to walk in it.
It wasn’t until I realized that there were more perspectives than my own and that my love for my husband was modeled much better through grace and humility than in teaching him my ways of perceived rightness. Long story short, humility and grace bring forth healing, while pride brings forth division.
In conflict with your spouse, it’s essential to approach them with humility, seeking to understand their perspective and being willing to admit your faults. As Christ has done for us, extending grace and forgiveness will soften their heart faster than accusation and pride. Adding grace and humility to your conflict is a great way to bring Christ into your situation for clarity and healing.
Ponder This:
Do you put your needs or your spouse’s needs first? How is what you’re doing working for you in areas of conflict?
Let’s Pray:
Dear Lord,
No one has more grace than you do, and I thank you for your gift of grace. So many times, you hold back what I deserve and instead, pour out your grace. Please help me to do the same for my spouse. Help me walk in humility and love them the way you do. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Day 2
Scriptures: Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 13:1
Use Effective Communication
Clear and respectful communication is essential if you want healthy conflicts that don’t escalate or go sideways. The Bible encourages us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), avoiding harsh words and personal attacks. Instead, we should intentionally share our concerns or needs openly and honestly and with a proper tone that is loving, compassionate, and self-controlled.
My husband used to have a problem with passivity. It was a real struggle for him to share his concerns or needs. He would withhold sharing and secretly stew in whatever he was upset about or needed. While this avoided conflict at the moment, it certainly wasn’t an effective way to communicate, and all it did was cause him to stuff things down until the point of blowing up when his resentment finally became too much.
I, on the other hand, had the opposite struggle. I withheld nothing and made sure my husband knew every complaint and every concern I had. I spoke the truth, but it sounded like the clanging gong of 1 Corinthians 13:1. That wasn’t effective, either. Neither of us communicated effectively and instead only set ourselves up for failure. He needed to learn the speaking truth part of Ephesians 4:15, and I needed to understand the in-love role. It wasn’t until we started communicating God’s way that we got on the right path.
Another aspect of effective communication is listening to your spouse’s viewpoint and being open to dialogue. Observing their opinions, concerns, or views can increase understanding and help you find common ground. Ultimately, learning to speak the truth in love, control your tone, and listen with the goal of understanding will get you well on your way to healthy communication.
Ponder This:
What part of speaking the truth in love do you need to work on most; the speaking truth or the in-love part?
Let’s Pray:
Dear Lord,
You are the perfect example of how to speak truth in love. You have never used harsh words or a harsh, condemning tone with us. You provide us with a listening ear every minute of our lives, and we are grateful for that. Help me to follow your example when I communicate with my spouse. Please help me love them, listen to them, and share openly and honestly with them. Help me to walk in humility and love them the way you do. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Day 3
Scriptures: Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 13:1
Use Effective Communication
Clear and respectful communication is essential if you want healthy conflicts that don’t escalate or go sideways. The Bible encourages us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), avoiding harsh words and personal attacks. Instead, we should intentionally share our concerns or needs openly and honestly and with a proper tone that is loving, compassionate, and self-controlled.
My husband used to have a problem with passivity. It was a real struggle for him to share his concerns or needs. He would withhold sharing and secretly stew in whatever he was upset about or needed. While this avoided conflict at the moment, it certainly wasn’t an effective way to communicate, and all it did was cause him to stuff things down until the point of blowing up when his resentment finally became too much.
I, on the other hand, had the opposite struggle. I withheld nothing and made sure my husband knew every complaint and every concern I had. I spoke the truth, but it sounded like the clanging gong of 1 Corinthians 13:1. That wasn’t effective, either. Neither of us communicated effectively and instead only set ourselves up for failure. He needed to learn the speaking truth part of Ephesians 4:15, and I needed to understand the in-love role. It wasn’t until we started communicating God’s way that we got on the right path.
Another aspect of effective communication is listening to your spouse’s viewpoint and being open to dialogue. Observing their opinions, concerns, or views can increase understanding and help you find common ground. Ultimately, learning to speak the truth in love, control your tone, and listen with the goal of understanding will get you well on your way to healthy communication.
Ponder This:
What part of speaking the truth in love do you need to work on most; the speaking truth or the in-love part?
Let’s Pray:
Dear Lord,
You are the perfect example of how to speak truth in love. You have never used harsh words or a harsh, condemning tone with us. You provide us with a listening ear every minute of our lives, and we are grateful for that. Help me to follow your example when I communicate with my spouse. Please help me love them, listen to them, and share openly and honestly with them. Help me to walk in humility and love them the way you do. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Day 4
Scriptures: Colossians 3:13, Romans 3:23
The Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness lies at the core of being a follower of Jesus. It is the very thing He died to give us. Forgiveness also plays a pivotal role in conflict resolution. Colossians 3:13 urges us to forgive others as the Lord has forgiven us. Forgiveness is not always easy, but it releases us from bitterness and allows healing. It doesn’t mean you have to forget the offense or ignore the issue; rather, it is a choice to let go of any resentment and give grace to your spouse instead.
When your spouse has wronged you, that can be very painful, and while some wrongdoings require a period of rebuilding trust, it’s also important to remember, just as Romans 3:23 reminds us, that none of us are without sin. We always will need forgiveness, especially in the presence of a Holy God.
A marriage without forgiveness is a marriage that is doomed to fail. A healthy marriage, however, will always require two good forgivers. Offenses will be unavoidable and plentiful in this lifelong journey of two becoming one. Without forgiveness, you will be prone to bitterness and resentment, which will drain the life out of you and your marriage.
Jesus chose to give His life to forgive our sins, and it would be ridiculous to think that he wouldn’t still use forgiveness as a means of restoration today. Don’t allow the power of forgiveness to go unused in your marriage.
Ponder This:
Are you harboring any unforgiveness towards your spouse or anyone else? Are you ready to forgive them today?
Let’s Pray:
Dear Lord,
You forgave us while we were still sinners, so who am I not to do the same for my spouse? Please help me become a good forgiver so that I can walk in freedom and so that you can bring forth healing in any situation where forgiveness is needed now or in the future. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Day 5
Scriptures: Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 19:20
Seek Wise Counsel
Now that we’ve shared these healthy and biblical conflict skills, you may ask, what do I do when we get stuck, or the problem is too big? Marriage is great, but it can also be challenging, and in some situations, conflicts may become complex and difficult to resolve on your own. In those situations, or what is known as gridlocked conflict, scripture tells us to seek wise counsel when needed.
Proverbs 15:22 says that “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.” Involving a trusted and impartial third party, such as a pastor or counselor, can provide fresh perspectives and guidance, facilitating a constructive resolution process.
Seeking counsel can help you overcome gridlocked conflict and equip you for the future. Counsel is good to receive at any point throughout your marriage. Proverbs 19:20 encourages us to listen to advice and instruction to gain wisdom for the future. Counseling can help you shift your perspectives as a couple and learn skills and tools to benefit your marriage.
If you need help or want to prepare more for the future, there is no shame in getting help. It is the opposite; the wise seek help while others continue needlessly in their struggles.
Ponder This:
What are your thoughts on counseling? Would you be willing to seek it out if you needed it? Why or why not?
Let’s Pray:
Dear Lord,
You are the giver of wisdom and want us to have renewed minds filled with truth. If our marriage needs this help now, help my spouse and me to see the value in seeking it. I want healthy conflict in my marriage that draws us closer together instead of unhealthy conflict that tears us apart. Guide me and my spouse in your will for our marriage. In Jesus’ name, Amen.