When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable

No Approval Needed
Key Verse: Proverbs 29:25 

At the height of the coronavirus pandemic, our adult son had to abruptly return to America from Australia where he’d been living on a work visa. He rented a room from us for a few months until he could make his next move in life. 

We soon noticed mail addressed to him stuffing our mailbox. As a member of Generation Z, he became a potential client for nearly every credit card company in existence, many showcasing a zero percent introductory interest rate with no annual fee. Stamped on the envelopes of these offers in large, eye-catching letters was this phrase: NO APPROVAL NEEDED. Now, if only we Christ-followers would understand this concept in our interactions with others! 

Constantly seeking the approval of humans leads to people-pleasing. A few years ago, I realized that I didn’t just like to please people, I was also afraid of them. Maybe not afraid that they were going to do something to hurt me, but afraid of what they might think of me. Or scared of what they’d say about me. Or fearful of disappointing them. And so, I fell into the people-pleasing trap—big time! 

Proverbs 29:25 declares “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.” (NIV)You might know the meaning of the word snare in English. It means “a trap,” much like one set to catch an animal. But the word as it is used carries a connotation that goes far beyond critter catching. 

In the original Hebrew, the word translated in English as snare is the word moqesh. Moqesh doesn’t merely mean a trap for prey, it also carries the concept of bait or a lure. It indicates an animal, object, or person that is enticing, causing another to stop what they’re doing and insert themselves into a hazardous situation because of the “prize” set before them. Before they know it, they’re trapped! 

Have you ever been enticed to say something you didn’t really mean to gain someone’s approval? You know, give your coworker an untrue compliment or rave about your neighbor’s new ginormous garden statue, that you don’t care for but that he is obsessed with? 

Are you tempted to say yes to requests when you’d much rather say no just to avoid the uncomfortableness of turning the asker down? Is there a relationship in your life where your heartstrings are constantly tugged? And perhaps, worst of all, is there, someone, with whom you have a dysfunctional relationship, and you dread making them sad or upset, so you constantly take the bait and give in, just to garner their approval? 

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you, my friend, have been caught in a moqesh. 

So, what are we to do to free ourselves from this snare? We wriggle free when we realize we do not constantly need the approval of others. We have already secured the greatest approval of all—that of being a child of the Most High God. It is he who can grant us the courage to resist being caught. 

Second Timothy 1:7 reads, “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline” (NASB). Let’s tap into this spirit of bravery—harnessing its power to truly love people by being honest with them, and disciplining our minds to remember that we already have God’s approval, so we don’t need to seek it from others. 

Will you dare to begin making choices based on what God wants you to do rather than based on if someone else approves? We can learn to trust our lives to God, giving responses that line up with His Word, carried out with confidence, not timidity. 

Respond

How does the image of a snare accurately apply to situations where you are tempted to please someone or gain their attention or approval? 

When, in the future, you are tempted to make choices to gain someone’s approval, what will you remind yourself of from Proverbs 29:25 about the fear of humans? 

Prayer

Father, please keep me from falling into the people-pleasing trap by constantly seeking the approval of others. Remind me how much I am already loved and cherished by You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

People Pleaser or God Follower?
Key Verse: Galatians 1:10 

My friend and her husband were embarking on quite an adventure. They sensed God calling them to become a foster family, taking in children from difficult home situations and gifting them with a safe place to grow and thrive. 

They’d filled out the necessary paperwork and been approved. When I met her for coffee one afternoon, I was expecting her to gush with enthusiasm and maybe a little apprehension. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the story she told me through her tears. 

She had told her parents what their family was about to do. She knew they would likely ask a few questions because foster care wasn’t something anyone in her extended family had ever done. But what she wasn’t expecting was outright opposition. Her parents brought up every possible thing that could go wrong conveying not only their disapproval of the decision but also their lack of support. She was told to think again about their decision because these opinion-slinging relatives were certain they were about to make the wrong one. 

I was brokenhearted for my friend. They were going to need support, not only tangibly, with meals brought in and help to buy items for the children, but also emotionally. How upsetting for them to discover they couldn’t count on such support from some of their extended family. 

I hugged her and promised that our family would be there to help. When we finished our time together, however, her spirits were still dashed. But surprisingly, when we met later that month, her countenance and confidence had shifted. I was so inquisitive, I just had to ask what happened. 

While grappling with her dashed emotions, she had carefully sought the Lord. After a few days of praying and reading God’s Word, she’d discovered a new perspective, a conclusion she could sum up in one simple sentence. She looked at me and confidently announced, “I finally realized that I do not need their permission to do God’s will.” 

Wow. What a powerful proclamation! 

Her priorities had been misplaced. She cared more about what her parents thought of her family’s decision than she did about what she’d discerned was God’s plan. When she stopped putting these people in the place of God, she was more willing to deal with any unpleasant outcome. 

Galatians 1:10 poses an important question. The apostle Paul first posed it centuries ago but it is one that is still relevant for us today: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (NIV) 

Hold up! Wait—what!? People in Bible times struggled with people-pleasing? Yes, they did. 

The Greek word for please is transliterated to English as areskó. At its core, it means “to agree to satisfy another in order to win their approval, affection, or attention; to meet their expectations; to willingly serve.” Knowing this comprehensive definition causes the verse to pop much more than it does when reading it in English! 

Boy, do I hate to admit it, but there are so many times I give myself up to someone else’s will rather than boldly and bravely choose to do what would most please God. Now, of course, if what someone else desires is in line with God’s will, that’s altogether different. However, when we feel that twinge of tension, we must choose to place pleasing God above placating people and determine to daringly speak truth while being careful to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. 

Let’s determine to seek the Lord’s plan rather than pursuing the approval of others. It won’t always be easy, but God is continually faithful. He can teach us how to confidently live our lives despite the expectations and opinions of others. 

Respond

Have you ever felt confined by your actions because you wanted the approval or admiration of someone else? What happened? 

Think about this phrase: “You do not need their permission to do God’s will.” Is there a situation in your life where you need to apply this saying? 

Prayer

Father, teach me that I am not solely responsible for the feelings of others, but I am responsible before You for my actions. Grant me boldness when I need it; tender, yet direct, words when they are necessary. May I learn to manage the tension between pleasing You and relating to others. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

On Being a Fantastic Fibber
Key Verse: Colossians 3:9 

Most Sunday mornings, I love going to church. I grab a cup of hazelnut coffee from the lobby and settle in near the front row. I grow from the sermons. I enjoy the assortment of worship bands—from acoustic guitar hymns to modern songs that includes a spoken word poet. Most of all, I’m grateful for people from diverse ethnicities and walks of life ranging from infants, Gen Z-ers sporting tattoos and man buns, to senior saints in grey hair and glasses. 

However, one Sunday morning found me wanting to break free from that place, running as far as my legs would take me. What caused me to want to escape the spiritual family I adore so much? It was when my pastor made an assertion smack dab in the middle of a sermon I was rather enjoying, completely wrecking it—and me. It was this: People pleasers often lie. 

Suddenly no longer was I a face in a crowd, sweetly sipping my creamy hot beverage and taking notes in my whimsical journal. I felt as if one of the spotlights that hung from the ceiling—normally fixated on the stage—had suddenly drop-swiveled directly toward me, placing my bright red face in portrait mode. I imagined everyone giving me the side-glance knowing surely that Pastor Justin was referring to me. The jig was up. 

That morning, I had to concede in my heart that my pastor was right. People pleasers often lie. And I was one fantastic fibber. 

Oh, I had good reasons for my less-than-straightforward speech. Sometimes, I slightly twisted the truth so I wouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings when asked for my opinion. Other times, I failed to be honest because I was afraid my response might upset a friend or coworker. Still, in other situations, I outright lied just to avoid a confrontation with someone over a political or another hot topic issue. And I also admit there are times I only tell half the truth, conveniently leaving parts out. However, as I often tell my children, “A half-truth is still a whole lie.” 

At the root of all these varied forms of dishonesty is this commonality: I lied to please someone else. However, all this twisting, shading, fibbing, and half-truth telling certainly does not please the only One who matters—the Lord. 

In Colossians 3:9, the apostle Paul urges believers, “And stop lying to each other. You have given up your old way of life with its habits.”(CEV) Deceit is correlated with our behavior before we became followers of Christ. It is not something that should be a character quality of those who’ve responded to the gospel and become believers. 

The original Greek word for the English phrase “have given up” is the verb apekduomai. It means to strip something completely and emphatically off yourself; to throw far away. The action is to be performed by the person who is being untruthful. 

Elsewhere in scripture, we are told to hold two seemingly opposite actions in tension as we interact with others—to speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15) I find often we display only one of those actions while leaving the other behind, depending on our personality types. Either we bark out the truth in an unloving manner or we falsely assume that the only loving thing to do is not, to tell the truth at all. 

Thankfully, I know from experience that God can empower us to strip off our deceitful ways, no matter how justified our fibs may seem. We can learn to roll our truths in a blanket of love—remembering it is God we seek to please, not others. 

Let’s learn to retrain our brains, not pondering, “What do they want me to say?”, but instead pleading, “Lord, help me to speak the truth in love.” 

Respond

Are you sometimes tempted to shade the truth, so you won’t upset, disappoint, or even anger someone? 

First Peter 3:10 reads, “For the Scriptures say, ‘If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.’” (NLT) What goal might you make that will help you to, “keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies”? 

Prayer

Father, please tap me on the heart when I am tempted to lie, enabling me to instead speak honestly, but also in a loving way. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

In All Honesty
Key Verse: Psalm 12:2 

Have you ever flattered someone because you felt it would get you something you greatly desired? Like the time in high school when I told a girl in the popular crowd how much I loved her new olive-green sweater—when I really felt it was more awful than awesome—hoping then she might invite me to her slumber party. There is an old cliché about the practice of giving excessive or insincere praise: “Flattery gets you nowhere.” Still, we sometimes feign and fawn in hopes that flattery will indeed get us somewhere! 

While gossip can be defined as saying something behind someone’s back that you’d never say to their face, flattery is much the reverse. It is uttering words to someone’s face that you’d never say behind their back because they are totally untrue. 

When we flatter, we do something else—although we might not so readily admit it—we lie. The pages of Scripture are chock-full of warnings against this seemingly effective, but totally deceptive tool—a tool that often backfires. 

Read these words found in Psalm 12:2: 

“They speak deceitful and worthless words to one another; 

With flattering lips and a double heart they speak.” (AMP) 

The word rendered flattering in the original Hebrew is the word chelqah, meaning “smooth, slippery, and agreeable.” It is also used in many places to mean a portion of ground or the ground one is presently standing on. Combine these together and the picture becomes clear. We are surely standing on a slippery slope when we choose to flatter with our lips. 

The other part of this verse that intrigues me is the notion of a double heart. The concept conveyed here is that someone who is flattering with their lips really has two hearts—one that is true to their inner soul and one that is portrayed to the person hearing the lies. This second heart is insincere and even downright deceptive. Honesty is nowhere in sight. 

Elsewhere in Scripture, we see what flattering can do to us. We usually only have in mind what it can do for us; the immediate results we seek when we falsely inflate the ego of another person. But what about what it is doing to us? Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that we can come out of a flattering situation unharmed. We often can’t. 

Proverbs 26:28 lays out one of the consequences: 

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts, 

and a flattering mouth works ruin.” (NIV) 

The Hebrew word for ruin in this verse is midcheh. Interestingly, it is the only occurrence of this word in the entire Bible. It means “a method for, or occasion of, stumbling.” When we work our flattery, we are in for a fall. 

Have you ever felt a prick in your heart when you used words of flattery or failed to tell the truth when asked for your opinion by a coworker or friend? We might think we are looking out for the best interests of others when we shade the truth, even a little. However, solid and lasting friendships are built on a foundation of honesty. 

Our human connections—whether with people inside our family or friends and coworkers—can become significantly strengthened when we decide to be truthful and upfront. We can adopt a new habit of shooting straight while simultaneously expressing our love and care for others. Both can be done at the same time. 

Learning to express honesty that is intentionally tucked in an envelope of kindness can become one of the greatest areas of growth in our lives. It will propel us to deeper, more authentic, and ultimately, healthier relationships with others. 

Respond

Has there ever been a time that you feigned kindness or admiration and ended up getting caught in a mess? 

How might the biblical truths in today’s reading keep you from flattering in the future and ending up entangled again? 

Prayer

Father, help me not fall prey to utilizing the tool of flattery to obtain a desired result in my relationships. Help me kindly and gently speak the truth to others knowing that not only is honesty the best policy, but it also pleases You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Shutting Down the Screaming Screens
Key Verses: Ephesians 5:15–17 

I tumbled out of bed and headed to the kitchen to commence my morning routine. I couldn’t wait to wrap my hands around a steaming mug of dark roast decaf with a splash of cream. Hopefully, it would snap the sleepy out of my brain. 

I glanced down at my phone next to the coffee maker in the kitchen where I’d plugged it in the night before. I’d begun banishing my phone from the bedroom so it couldn’t tempt me to tap, swipe and scroll instead of getting to sleep at a decent hour. 

About a dozen or more texts, social media messages, and email notifications began their usual morning dance, gliding down from the top of my screen. Someone needed an address. Another wanted an answer. Five social media followers asked for my butternut squash soup recipe. An email asked for recommendations of parenting resources. This montage of messages screaming at me through the screen threatened to ruin me before it had barely even started. 

My frustrated feelings showcased the ongoing love-hate relationship I have with my phone screen. 

My phone can contain my calendar, available for viewing with just a tap. LOVE! 

My phone can deliver messages from people who want me to help them with some dilemma and help them right now! HATE! 

My phone can flood my feed with fun pictures of my family members far away. LOVE! 

My phone can crowd my time with tasks others dream up for me without any input from me. HATE! 

You get the digital picture, right? 

Ephesians 5:15–17 urges us, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (ESV) To help us extrapolate the instructions God is giving us about managing our time, let’s look at the original Greek meaning of a few keywords and phrases. 

The Greek word for walk is peripateó. More than just placing one foot in front of the other, it literally means, “to conduct your life properly.” And how are we to walk? Carefully. The deeper Greek meaning of this word is “accurately, diligently, and circumspectly.” That final word isn’t commonly used. It means, “to fully investigate all circumstances and possible outcomes.” 

We are also instructed to make the best use of our time. This Greek phrase conveys the concept of redeeming from loss by making the most of the present opportunity. This sounds as if we are to be proactive and intentional in filling our time. If we aren’t? Well, there are dozens of others out there waiting to fill it for us! 

All the requests we see on our screens are not necessarily our tasks to do. It is not unloving to put some boundaries in place if—through prayer and seeking the Lord—we sense that He is calling us to. We may need to disable private messaging. Or put an away response on our email account. When we adopt such boundaries, there’s no doubt it will upset some people. However, we protect our mental health by monitoring our capacity, knowing that if God is truly calling us to say yes to a request, He will convict us of that, not guilt us into it. 

Let’s take our days to the Lord in prayer, asking him to help us choose prudently when presented with the many tasks—and asks—that float our way. He will enable us to spend our time in a way that honors Him as He teaches us what it means to walk wisely. 

Respond

In what ways is your phone screen allowing stress to be added to your life each day? What is one action step you can take to help alleviate some of this pressure? 

Prayer

Father, help me to redeem the time, discerning how You want me to spend my hours each day. I want my actions to honor You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.