Seen: Healing Despair and Anxiety Through Connection

Scriptures: Proverbs 20:5, Psalms 147:3

Connection Cures

There are two primary relationships that the human soul needs: Connection with our Heavenly Father and Connection with Others. We are wired for community. We are hard-wired with the need to be seen.

Being seen doesn’t mean just sight. To be truly seen means to be known, loved, and understood on a deeper level.

Each heart is like a well. So many thoughts, personality traits, passions, emotions, and beliefs make up the hearts of men and women. But now we live in a culture where connection is limited, at least according to our heart. An anxious heart in despair is too common nowadays. You may be feeling despair or anxiety yourself, or you may have a kid, teenager, or friend who is experiencing a heart overwhelmed by anxiety or despair. Maybe you feel an overwhelming amount of concern for your loved one, which can make you feel powerless. You want to help, but how?

The Bible talks about the heart of a person numerous times. But we intuitively know that the scriptures are not describing the organ that pumps blood, but rather the emotional side of us. Simply put, our brains are hard-wired by God with two sides and two functions. The right side of the brain is where a lot of our emotional processing takes place, the heart. The left side is where our logical processing takes place, the mind. When we experience despair or anxiety, our heart goes into overdrive, and logical processing decreases. Connection disrupts this process. Our brains are wired to respond to love and empathy.

When we feel seen by another person, our heart exhales and logical processing resumes.

Every person is hard-wired to need two primary connections to allow the heart to exhale: Connection with God and Connection with Others.

Scriptures: Psalms 46:10, Matthew 6:34

When in Despair

Elijah struggled. Paul struggled. Jesus struggled.

I’ve often thought, why didn’t Paul need a therapist? I’m pretty sure if we experienced what Paul experienced, we would need therapy. But, Paul did have therapy. It was built within the culture in which he lived. Connection was woven into the fabric of the ancient times.

Connection with God, with others, and with self.

For instance, Jesus modeled withdrawing daily to connect with the Father. Paul likely lived the same way. Paul was deeply connected with others. Face-to-face, every day with brothers and sisters to pray, emotionally exhale, to feel empathy, and to feel seen. Paul didn’t feel like he was carrying his burdens alone. That’s an outcome of feeling seen. When we feel seen, we don’t feel alone. Even in the prison, he wasn’t alone.

Paul was also connected to himself. His slower pace in life meant that if he had a meeting in another town, he would likely have had to walk there. No phones, no podcasts, and no music. Just Paul alone with his thoughts and God.

Have you ever thought about why we are so afraid of silence in our culture today? Why we are afraid of stillness? Perhaps there are some feelings we’ve been avoiding. Perhaps it’s worry about the future that we hide away and keep in the deepest part of our hearts.

Our brains, over time, collect all that energy and all those hidden emotions. Stress produces cortisol in our bodies. A constant drip of cortisol causes the brain to increase processing on the right side, the amygdala. Over time, this creates a detachment from logical processing. Simply put, despair and anxiety can create a disconnection between the right side of our brains (emotional processing) and the left side of our brains (logically processing).

But when we help others feel seen, we can help influence healing.

Scriptures: John 3:16, Ephesians 4:32

To Be Seen

What does it mean to be seen? To be seen is to be noticed beyond the exterior of one’s body. To be noticed beyond the facial expressions, beyond the lack of response, and the eye rolls. To be truly seen is to be noticed in a deeper place, the depths of our souls. It’s in this place where we are the most vulnerable. But, few can find it. Few can really see beyond all there is on the outside and navigate to the depth of the soul of another. However, that’s where the healing takes place. Love is what drives us to see beyond one’s behavior or exterior. Love heals.

Hurting people often don’t feel seen, they feel alone. When we pause to remember times when we were hurting, at the moment, we can relate. Chances are you’ve felt alone to some degree in your past as well. Remembering these times is vital to helping those around you who are hurting.

The two most powerful tools in helping others heal are empathy and love. No one modeled this better than Jesus. His ability to see beyond the exterior and help others was driven by His love and shown by His empathy.

To be driven by love is to see beyond one’s behavior, which is the essence of the Gospel. While we were still sinners, God loved us. As you look to help those around you to heal from despair, know that love is the driver. Ask God to help you to see beyond behavior and see deeper.

Scriptures: John 11:43-44, Proverbs 8:30

Show Up

I love the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. It’s a powerful foreshadowing of what Jesus would ultimately do Himself. But it’s what Jesus does before he shouts “Lazarus, Come Out,” that has always struck me. Jesus didn’t rush to “fix” the problem. In fact, Jesus knew He had the power to heal Lazarus at any moment, but he didn’t heal him right away. Instead, for reasons unknown to us, Jesus heard of Lazarus’s sickness, and instead of healing him with a prayer from a distance, he showed up.

Jesus shows up. He also showed up for the woman at the well. He showed up for Thomas after the resurrection. Jesus showed up for Peter on the beach when Peter was feeling shame for his mistakes. He showed up for Zacchaeus, Levi, and many more.

Just His presence matters. People longed for His presence. Wherever Jesus was, he was 100% there and present. He wasn’t distracted or preoccupied. He was and is just there.

In today’s world, it can be difficult for us to be 100% there when we show up. But, showing up and being fully present is vital for helping others to heal from despair. Distractions keep us from fully seeing deeper and asking the right questions. Distractions will make it difficult for us to slow our minds down and engage the emotional side of our brain. Engaging the emotional side of our brains is necessary for empathy. Be armed with empathy and love, showing up is simply 50% of the work.

Scriptures: John 11:35, Psalms 55:22

See Them

When Jesus shows up after Lazarus’s passing, He’s met with mourning hearts. Lazarus’ sisters are heartbroken and so are their friends. Now, can you imagine how Martha felt? Grief comes with an array of emotions: guilt, anger, sadness, and sorrow. We don’t know what Martha was feeling at that moment. She could have said, “If only you would’ve been here…” with a tone of anger while gritting her teeth. She could have struggled to get the words out by sobbing and gasping for air, “If… (gasp), only… (gasp), you… (gasp)…,” you get the point. 

She could have simply said it emotionless, with a monotone voice, evidence of her feeling numb. 

We don’t know fully how she expressed her emotions. However, what we do see clearly is that Jesus responded slowly with love and empathy. Jesus didn’t dismiss her feelings. He didn’t shame her for not having more faith or being more positive. He simply showed up and saw the emotion. So much so, before doing anything, Jesus paused before the tomb where Lazarus was lying and simply wept. This is one of the most human things we see Jesus display in His behavior. He weeps with those who weep. He mourns with those who mourn. He shows up and sees them. 

I’ve heard some interpret Jesus’ weeping as an indication that he was sad at their lack of faith. But I do not believe that to be true. Jesus knew the power of empathy. He knew it wasn’t just about raising Lazarus from the dead, it was also about showing up and seeing others. Jesus modeled for us that it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to allow others to feel those things too. Our emotions are not an enemy. They are a part of who we are. It’s part of the human experience that God has given us. After all, emotions are just emotions. Feelings are just feelings. 

To help others to feel seen, we must see them. To see what they are feeling and acknowledge it. Acknowledging feelings doesn’t mean we have to act on them. Every feeling should be acknowledged, but not every feeling should be acted on.

Scriptures: John 4:1-26, James 1:19, Proverbs 1:5

Just Listen

Listening to someone who is hurting is an act of love. Listening communicates, “I see you because I hear you.” It communicates a sense of safety. Keep in mind that good listening is not just hearing someone, it’s helping someone who is hurting to emotionally exhale.

Have you ever just needed to vent? If so, then you have emotionally exhaled. To emotionally exhale means to acknowledge feelings and move them from the right side of our brains to the left side, where they can be processed.

The right side of the brain can build up a lot of anxiety and fear. When we help someone to emotionally exhale, we are helping them to acknowledge the feeling and move it to the left side of the brain, our logical processing. To logically process emotions is to examine the emotion with truth, faith, and principles. But first, it must be acknowledged or “exhaled.”

I love how Jesus responded to people. He would often ask more questions, rather than just give statements. In John chapter 4, we see this example of Jesus listening. A woman who was hurting at a well. It was about noon, a time when most had already gathered their water for the day. But one woman came to the well. It’s thought that she came to the well at mid-day to avoid the chatter of judgmental village people. Her lifestyle, and the choices she made, left her feeling shame and judgment from others.

But not Jesus.

He began to have a conversation with her at the well. Culturally, it was not acceptable for a Jewish man to speak to, or even give notice to, a Samaritan woman. But Jesus was no ordinary Jewish man. He showed up, He saw her, and He listened. Their conversation indicated what Jesus already knew about her, but he took His time listening and conversing. Think about it, Jesus knowing all things, could have just started telling the woman all that He knew about her from the start. But He didn’t, He listened to her and connected with her through conversation.

As you help others to emotionally exhale, ask them, “How do you feel?” Allow them time to share and ask questions that keep the conversation going. Use statements like, “I can see that you feel…” or “Tell me more.” These statements help cue the other person that you’re interested in listening and give space for an emotional exhale.

Scripture: Proverbs 18:21

Speak Life

Our words are powerful. We can be quick to speak life and proclaim truth, but when we first “meet right brain with right brain,” it creates space for truth. Every one of us needs people in our lives speaking life into us, reminding us of what is true, and encouraging us with positive words. Life-giving words are soul builders. 

Going back to John chapter 11 when Jesus raises Lazarus from the grave, Jesus didn’t just do a miracle; He showed up, saw those who were hurting, listened, and spoke life! Not just the life-giving words that would ultimately make Lazarus’ body awaken from death, but He spoke words of hope. 

Jesus said to Martha, “your brother will rise again.” When Jesus is in it, there is always hope. 

Because of the barrage of critical and accusatory voices that echo around us, it’s important to constantly speak affirming words to those who are hurting, in despair, or experiencing anxiety. Our brains need to hear many more life-giving words to counteract the negative ones, due to our natural wiring called negativity bias. The brain is like the stomach in this way. The brain processes negative words like the stomach processes sugar. Quick and straight to our waistlines. While on the other hand, fiber processes slowly, and its benefits are not always immediately seen. Positive words are like that for those in despair and experiencing anxiety. It processes slowly, but they are vital to healing. 

Think about the words you speak to yourself and the things you speak to others. Are they filled with life and hope? Or are they filled with negativity? 

Remind them: 

● You are a child of God (John 1:12). 

● You are loved (1 John 4:9). 

● You have a purpose (Ephesians 1:9, 3:11). 

● You are not alone (Hebrews 13:5). 

● You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). 

● You are victorious (1 John 5:4).