Marriage Matters

Scriptures: Matthew 14:13-21, James 1:5, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Matthew 18:20, Joshua 24:15

A Chord of Three Strands 

God is a multiplier. He multiplied the fish and the loaves to feed 5000 hungry souls. These two miracles of Jesus, known as the feeding of the multitude, are recorded in the gospels. He can multiply our effectiveness, our love, and our wisdom. But He must be included and invited into the process. Marriages need God to multiply love.

Before I married my husband, we discussed the truth that if we love God FIRST then we could love each other BETTER. We also discussed that without God’s indwelling Spirit, we would be just left to loving one another in our own effort, which could be sadly lacking at many times. Ecclesiastes 4:12 states that “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” I wanted a strong marriage. We needed to be a cord of 3 strands.

The strand passage from Ecclesiastes illustrates that the union of two Christians bound together in Christ is stronger than the individuals themselves. We believe that Christian marriage is about more than the union of one man and one woman. The Bible teaches us that God performs a miracle in our marriage, uniting us together in a covenant relationship with Him as one. The Cord of Three Strands is a symbol of that sacred union created on your wedding day.

So, what is a strand? A strand is a part that combines with other parts to form a whole. In the example of a thread, the strand is made with each individual thread twisted around and entwined with each other. The purpose of “threading” is to provide simultaneous execution of parallel parts. When lives or tasks run in parallel, the process of threading makes a strand that is stronger than each individual part. 

What are the three strands of marriage? A good marriage takes three; you, your soon-to-be spouse, and God. God is love and teaches us to love. By keeping Him at the center of your marriage, woven into and intertwined through every aspect of it, His love will continue to bind you together as one. 

Joshua 24:15 states “… choose this day whom you will serve… but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”  Bringing God into your marriage must be a deliberate choice.  In a great marriage, God is intertwined in the relationship as the third and higher authority. He can multiply the results in your marriage as long as you have given the Holy Spirit total permission to live through each of you to love the other. This involves dying to yourself and fighting for the three-corded STRAND of your marriage.

Ponder:

How can you get better at yielding to your 3rd and higher authority? Share ways you could wisely encourage this common yielding in your marriage. 

Prayer:

Oh Lord, Your ways are higher and greater than our ways. Draw us together in a place where Your love is the core of our marriage.

Scriptures: Philippians 4:8, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Psalms 19:14,Romans 12:2, Proverbs 4:20-27

Focus on that which is Praiseworthy

The day we get married, we are eager to say “YES” and “I DO” and “I WILL” till death do us part. Sure. Yes, and amen! Then what happens? What changes? When I told my father that I wanted to marry my hubby, I told him about all the great things that I loved about him. He was this, this, and this. And he could do that, that and even that. We were going to differ from all those married statistics of failure. We were going to soar through our marriage on our true love.

Several years later, after 4 children and 2 career adjustments, we were not soaring anymore. We were having to choose to love one day at a time. Drowning in a million things to do, I found myself resenting all the things that my husband “was and wasn’t doing.” So, who was in charge of the chaos in our lives? Who could I blame? I was overwhelmed by all my blessings, so to speak. I had a great husband and 4 growing children but found myself feeling defeated. 

At a business convention, we were challenged to make a list of 10 things that we loved about our spouses and then place that list on our bathroom mirrors (to help us remember). And if we were feeling especially out of touch and could not think of ANYTHING that we loved about our spouse, we were challenged to ponder back to the engagement and pre-wedding period… and have that person write the list. You know, the person that was thrilled and willing to marry. In doing so, I was reminded about several reasons that I got married that just seemed to disappear in a fog of busyness. The enemy had come to destroy my marriage, but I was participating. I had been disobedient to God’s Word that told me to focus on ALL THAT WAS PRAISEWORTHY. About my husband. About my children and about my full life. 

Realizing that marriage was not a sprint but a marathon, I quickly decided that I was in charge of my mind and what I was dwelling on. No spouse or child is perfect, and we are all sinners. It takes a lot of love and grace to live with your tribe. But I was determined to start focusing on all that was praiseworthy and giving my control freak a rest. I was on a “praiseworthy hunt.” After identifying anything that was edifying or uplifting about someone in our household, I would speak about it and celebrate it. Any act of kindness, generosity, service became a party to celebrate. I want to challenge married couples to find that which is praiseworthy about your spouse and then celebrate in gratitude for such. You don’t get it all. What a great treasure hunt to occupy your married days. 

Ponder:

How can you choose to focus more on the praiseworthy in your household and with your spouse? What are some concrete ideas to help you do so?

Prayer:

Lord, I want to obey Your Word to “focus on all that is praiseworthy” but I need Your help as I am often drowning in busyness or negative things. I ask you to blind me to the negative/death and open my eyes to the positive/life in my spouse.

Scriptures: Colossians 3:23-24, Proverbs 14:23, Ecclesiastes 9:10, 1 Corinthians 10:31, 2 Thessalonians 3:10-12

The Law of Entropy

All marriages take work! I graduated from college with a degree in Petroleum Engineering. In order to get an engineering degree, all engineers had to go through “core classes”. One of these classes was called Thermodynamics. Crazy as it seems, but I will be forever changed by learning and applying the “Law of Entropy” to my marriage. Simply stated, the law of entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, says that “in all energy exchange, if no energy enters or leaves the system, the potential energy of the state will be less than that of the initial state.” Let me explain in English. The Law of Entropy tells us that, by nature, disorder always increases. It tells us that anything and everything that God or man has ever made will always move from order to disorder. Order is always followed by disorder without any outside input.

So now let’s extrapolate that thought into our marriages. From the minute we say, “I do. Yes. Absolutely. For sure. Till death do us part”, our marriages start heading towards “disorder.” That could lead to hopelessness or to wisdom. Once we learn that our laws of nature cannot be changed, we can adapt to their truth. Such as, even if I don’t BELIEVE in the law of gravity, whenever I let go of the apple in my hand it will still fall to the ground. The law is not dependent on my belief in it. The law of entropy simply told me, in layman’s terms, that I had to work on my marriage or expect it to go south. Once I realized the absolute truth of this and compared it to the marriage statistics at hand, we decided to work on our marriage after we left the alter and walked down the aisle. Before our wedding day, we discussed the WORK of being married. We agreed to WORK on it while it was good so that we didn’t have to WORK on it while it was bad. We all put in the WORK either way! This was an intentional choice for the rest of my life. It was an investment in my future happiness and the health of our future family.

Besides the daily choice to work on love, we added an annual retreat of sorts to make sure that our marriage was in a good place. After 35 years of marriage, I don’t wonder why we have a healthy, loving marriage. We have been working on it for 35 years.

On our annual retreat here are a few thoughts/questions we consider:

1.  What was the best and the worst events in our marriage that year?

2.  What can I do to be a better spouse to you? 

3.  How can I show you more love?

4.  What do I do that you love? Or dislike?

5.  What are some new dreams/goals for us? 

6.  Etc…

Remember that your marriage takes the investment of work, work, and more work. If you are behind in this investment, be sure, and start today.

Ponder:

How can you start or continue to work on your developing and deepening marriage? What are some things you can do to make time to invest in this lifelong commitment?

Prayer:

Lord, I will never make it “until death do us part” without Your inspired help. Lead, direct, and guide us as we work to make honoring You the priority of our marriage.

Scriptures: Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 2:10, Psalms 139:13-18, Ephesians 4:31-32, Colossians 1:16-17

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness brings personal freedom. Unforgiveness suffocates! Recently I asked my father-in-law the key to his 70 years of marriage. He said that the secret ingredient to 70 years of love was forgiveness. Since all of us are messy and will be on both sides of the forgiveness issue, we all need loads of grace and forgiveness. This is not a one-sided scenario.

All human beings are beautiful but messy… #beautifulbutmessy. Each of us is beautiful because God doesn’t make junk. Actually, He calls you His masterpiece. The first phrase of Ephesians 2:10 reads, “For we are God’s masterpiece” (NLT). Other translations say that we are God’s “accomplishment” (CEB), “workmanship” (ESV, KJV), or “God’s handiwork” (NIV). In addition, you were fearfully and wonderfully made…beautiful. You were knit and known by a good good Father Creator. You were assigned purpose in your days. However, all of us beautiful individuals are also messy because of inherited sin. We are all sinners. It would not be right for us to “throw stones” at one another. That would be like a sinner calling a sinner a sinner. We all live in this human condition/dilemma together…beautiful but messy. 

Our souls were not designed for the anger, bitterness, depression, and malice that comes from unforgiveness. It is so unhealthy and unsatisfying. However, we all married imperfect human beings. Our original Divine Design was all of Him in all of us!

We don’t always forgive others because they deserve it, but we forgive others because we deserve the peace of mind that it affords. Decide ahead of time that you will forgive others so that it will be your natural reaction, rather than resentment. Unforgiveness is like drinking a bitter poison but expecting the other person to die. We think that holding grudges of unforgiveness harms the other, but we are actually just harming ourselves.

The willingness to forgive is not just a sign of great maturity but also of great wisdom. 

Knowledge is knowing we should forgive, but wisdom is actually doing it. Unforgiveness also messes with your health, not just your peace of mind.

Here are a few reasons to forgive:

·  To free us from anger and bitterness

·  To allow us to live in our divine design 

·  To free up space for our health and peace

·  To release us from the torment of the issue

·  To free us to be effective in the present

·  To ensure that God will hear and answer our prayers

Forgiveness is not ignoring or disregarding a wrong done. It is not based on feelings but based on a choice. The TRUTH is that Christ is the source of all forgiveness!

We will all struggle with forgiving others, ourselves, and battling offense if we don’t find peace over just how forgiven we are in Christ. It is a FINISHED WORK. Walk in that truth!

We have His forever forgiveness! Let His forgiveness flow into you and then out to others through you!

Ponder:

Have you considered the idea of forgiving someone even before they hurt you because you know the value of that choice? What are areas of unforgiveness where you need to let God bring you into peace and healing?

Prayer:

Lord, You have forgiven me of much. Help me to let go of past grievances and choose to extend forgiveness and receive new peace of mind. I need Your strength and power through me.

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Proverbs 27:17, 1 Corinthians 1:10, Genesis 2:18, Romans 15:5-6

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Teammates for Life

When we marry, we become teammates for life. That sounds so simple. Then why do so many marriages end up in divorce? There are marriage myths that most don’t realize come with being a teammate.

One of the first myths of marriage is that we all go into marriage expecting the exact same things from marriage. As lifelong teammates, the goal of loving “until death do you part” might be the common vision and plan, but the day to day strategies to get to that vision might vary widely. We all enter marriage with unspoken rules, varying shades of expectations, and unconscious role fulfillment that we bring from our past experiences or our perceptions. 

Teammates for life must talk to get on the same page for conflict resolution. This important communication can happen either before or after an identified conflict. We each bring our past cultures and experiences into our marriages. New marriage partners/teammates would want to blend the BEST of both to come up with their own new culture and vision. Two are better than one as they have twice the experience and wisdom. It is not “his way” or “her way” but the new “our way.”

Another marriage myth that undermines teammates is that once they marry, everything will get better. Actually, merging two individuals into a common household brings many challenges. Every marriage is filled with trade-offs. This most difficult trade-off is the loss of the ideal image of your partner. We cannot know everything about our spouses before we marry them. Love will be difficult on its way to becoming deep and lasting.

It is also a myth of marriage that everything that is bad will disappear with marriage. Getting married does not fix our personal past pains. Ignoring them doesn’t fix them either. Marriage is not a cure-all for problems, but with time, it can become an agent for greater healing. The myth that your spouse will make you whole is a lie. Marriage is a God-given way to improve, sharpen, and challenge each other to new heights of personal living. However, neither marriage nor your partner can make you whole. This is individual work. Your team and marriage relationship can only be as healthy as each individual teammate. That is why exploring your well-being as an individual, as well as a teammate, is vital for enduring a life-long love as partners and teammates.

Being on the same team doesn’t mean that we can’t fight, but the real fight is with our enemy that seeks to destroy our marriages and all that is good. When we come in agreement that there will always be a destructive force contending for our marriages and our homes, as teammates we can then identify the real enemy and know where the real battle is. This daily battle starts on our knees.

Ponder:

What are some ways I can be a better teammate? How can I seek a greater personal wholeness so that I can contribute to my marriage from that wholeness and strength?

Prayer:

Lord help me find my wholeness in You alone so that I can be a better teammate to my spouse. I need all of You in all of me to do so.

Scriptures: Matthew 6:33, Colossians 2:2, Philippians 2:3-8, 1 Peter 4:10-11, Matthew 18:20

Soul Mates

Becoming soul mates is one of your marriage’s highest priorities. Finding soul satisfaction in the one you marry is a life-long beautiful and worthy pursuit. Instead of saying “I married my soul-mate” let’s challenge ourselves to the thought of “becoming soulmates” with the one that we married. Tending our own souls and the soul of our marriage is like tending a garden. It takes regular intention and cannot be ignored for undue periods of time. So how do we go about doing that? It won’t accidentally happen. Let’s ponder things that tie souls together. 

As spiritual beings, one of our first priorities would be to find a commonplace/practice for worship and spiritual development. Come into an agreement on a plan to gather with like-minded believers and hear the truth from an inspired and outside source. This weekly practice will provoke life-giving input and conversation that will increase soul ties. 

Serving others together is another healthy part of a soul-satisfying marriage. There is something deeply rewarding about serving others. It is not only good for the ones you serve, it also makes us happier and healthier too. These good feelings are reflected in the biology of our souls. Serving alongside your spouse not only connects you to each other but also to others, creating stronger communities where you live. Scientists believe that altruistic behavior releases endorphins in the brain, producing a positive feeling known as the “helper’s high.” This doesn’t just make the world better—it also makes you better. Studies indicate that the very act of giving back to others and our communities boosts our happiness, health, self-esteem, and sense of well-being. Feeling good about yourself is something no one can take away from you. Serving others together is a fulfilling soul-tying marriage activity.

Another way to intentionally build your soul connection with your spouse is through shared activities. A marriage cannot thrive on two ships just passing in the night. We must actually enjoy times together outside the responsibilities to our home and our children. Consider a weekly or periodic date night. Take turns planning what that looks like. Also consider a physical activity together like walking, sports, working out together, etc. We did activities together when we were dating. Keep that spark alive.

And finally, but maybe most importantly, consider praying together. This can become a habit that pays HUGE dividends. There is something particularly romantic when our loved one takes our concerns before the Lord. That is not the reason to pray together…just a side benefit. You can simply start by praying at meals together, then move to praying over heavy heart concerns. The ultimate would be to end up praying daily together as a soul-tying habit for love and connection.

“Neglect the rest of the world if you have to but never neglect each other.” Whatever you choose, be intentional. Recognizing the importance of soul-ties and the wise investment to develop such, is a key foundation for a good marriage.

Ponder:

What are some choices you can make to catalyze greater soul-connections with your spouse? How are you intentionally gardening the soul of your marriage?

Prayer:

Lord, I want a marriage that reflects and honors You and our covenant vow of love together. Guide us to connecting our soul to You first and then to one another as an outpouring of that relationship.

Scriptures: Genesis 1:27, Genesis 2:18-24, Romans 12:10, James 1:19

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Celebrate the Difference

“He created them male and female and blessed them.” (Gen 5:2) This scripture doesn’t say that He created them as simply “people” but as male and female. Why did God create two sexes? Because they are different and need each other’s difference! Besides the obvious anatomical differences, there are an array of compelling differences that strengthen the partnership of the marriage bond between a man and a woman. Understanding, celebrating, and even appreciating these differences can enhance our marriages. Man and woman are not created equal. They are both created uniquely, perfectly, and functionally different. Viva la difference!

Why are gender roles so important in marriage? For one, God designed marriage, and when people do not follow His design, marriage is destined for design problems. It is important for us to know and follow His design, even when it is countercultural or contrary to what we are accustomed to. In the creation story, God first made Adam and then fashioned Eve as his helper. Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a help suitable for him.” Suitable for him! From the very beginning, we can see that God is a God of order even as indicated by the order of creation. His original intention was for the husband to lead the marriage, with the “suitable helper” in his wife.

There are always exceptions to the rule, but research points to a fundamental difference between the sexes: Men focus on achievement and women focus on relationships. This over-simplified glance compliments the thought that women, generally speaking, want love and men, generally speaking, want respect. As women need to be heard, known, cherished, and loved, men need to be admired and respected. Wise couples find ways to accommodate one another’s needs regardless of their opinion of the validity of that need. Romans 12:10 suggests that we are to be devoted to and delight in honoring one another. This is a choice as well as a powerful concept!

None of us function or thrive in the “cage of expectations.” That is one sure way to clearly destroy the joy of marriage. However, we all share one thing in common. Husbands and wives both depend on communication to keep their relationship healthy. It is the lifeblood of every successful marriage. Couples who can’t communicate well by speaking clearly and listening carefully, soon fall apart. It is a major key to bridging the gender gap. Carefully listening to your partner not only shines a light on gender differences but is the quickest path to engender more intimacy. Communicate and then give each other the grace to grow.

The gender differences, if heeded and accounted for, can become an area for developing greater understanding and intimacy in your marriage. However, ignoring gender differences will likely leave your marriage on the brink of disaster. You are not competing with your spouse, but you are completing the design and needs of your marriage.

Ponder:

How aware am I of gender differences in my marriage? What can I do to understand and celebrate our God-given design and differences?

Prayer:

Lord, I recognize that You created males and females differently. Help me to wrap My arms around Your purposes and plans for such in my marriage.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians 5:33, Ephesians 4:1-3, Ephesians 5:1-2

More Marriage Matters

Here are some additional suggestions (in random order) to enhance your marriage experience.

• Catch your spouse in the act of doing something good or positive. Then verbalize it.
• Love takes work. Ask your spouse if they would be willing to work towards a great marriage with you.
• Spend quality time with each other – while understanding that each spouse has other time commitments.
• Recognize each spouse needs some space for personal autonomy.
• Show interest in each other opinions, ideas, work, and activities. There is so much you can learn from one another. 
• Physical touches like hugging, holding hands and other simple physical gestures are vital no matter what the couple’s sexual life is like.
• Practice generosity of thought, spirit, and action towards each other,
• Acknowledge there are other important people in each spouse’s life: friends, their family, colleagues, etc.
• Make time and create opportunities to have fun and laugh together often.
• Develop communication skills. Especially be a good listener.
• Dream together….if not regularly….at least quarterly.
• Be sure to set-aside time weekly (date night) to prioritize time for you two. Your kids need to see this! Have some fun times planned.
• Daily plan a random act of kindness towards your spouse….not meals or normal routine stuff. Something unusual.
• Keep a strong relationship with the Lord as often times you will need God alone to love your spouse through you.
• Practice the habit of happiness…would you like to be married to you?
• Seek wisdom about your marriage from above. Ask God to teach you how to love your spouse better. Study 1 Cor 13.
• Work with your spouse to create a mission/vision statement for your marriage and family. 
• Never put your spouse on a guilt trip or shame them with your tone of voice. If you slip into this, then quickly apologize as God never shames us!
• Ask your spouse what things you do that they love and what things you do that irritate them and then learn to be better…. not perfect…but better.
• Study your spouse’s love language (The Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman)and be sure to speak it to them. When in doubt, speak a bit of each love language regularly (touch, words, gifts, time, service).
• Become a student of your spouse and get a Ph.D. in them. Learn how to better understand and love them from their point-of-view.
• Take some form of personality test for a greater understanding of one another.
• Consider taking a marriage-based “strengths assessment” to enhance marital understanding.
• Set personal boundaries around extra-marital relationships
• Say something nice, kind, or up-lifting to your spouse daily.
• Develop close quality couple friendships that will uphold, encourage and inspire your marriage
• Develop life-giving girl/guy friends outside your marriage to help satisfy your relational needs.

Ponder:

Since marriages really do matter, name some ways that you can be more intentional about addressing additional “marriage matters” listed above. Highlight and initiate a plan to improve together.

Prayer:

Lord, we know that marriages matter. We also know that marriages are Your chosen way to build families. Help us to be cognizant of greater ways to love one another.