A Simple Guide to a Better Marriage

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:33, Matthew 19:4-6, Genesis 9:11-13, Romans 7:2

The Foundation of Marriage

Selfless service to your spouse is the heart of marriage, and the foundation of the marriage is a covenant. When we think of marriage, we often do so in terms of a contract rather than a covenant. In reality, the two words are quite different.

A covenant, like a contract, is an agreement made between two or more persons, but the nature of the agreement is quite different. The biblical pattern reveals five characteristics of covenants.

1. Covenants are initiated for the benefit of the other person. Many of us can honestly say that we entered marriage motivated by the deep desire to benefit the person we were about to marry. Our intention was to make them happy. However, when our needs are not met, we can quickly revert to a contract mentality and forget our covenant responsibility.

2. In covenant relationships people make unconditional promises. In traditional wedding vows, the covenant we make with each other is couched in covenant language: “To love, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep thou only unto her so long as you both shall live.”

3. Covenant relationships are based on steadfast love. Few things are more edifying to a married person than the steadfast love of their spouse. That deep inner sense that we are loved by our spouse and that their attitude toward us is positive goes a long way in building self-esteem and helping us accomplish our potential for God and for doing good in the world. Steadfast love refuses to focus on the negative aspects of one’s spouse. The attitude of steadfast love is the single most important factor in a covenant marriage.

4. Covenant relationships view commitments as permanent. “Till death do us part” or “So long as we both shall live,” common statements in marriage ceremonies, are statements of covenant. Christian marriage is a commitment to permanence.

5. Covenant relationships require confrontation and forgiveness. These two responses—confrontation and forgiveness—are essential in a covenant marriage. Confrontation means holding the other person responsible for their actions. Forgiving means a willingness to lift the penalty and continue a loving, growing relationship. We will sometimes fail. We will fail to live up to the covenants we have made with each other. Such failure need not destroy the covenant, but it does call for confrontation and forgiveness.

Respond

Discuss with your spouse your understanding of covenant marriage and how love and forgiveness reflect God’s covenant relationship with His people. Are you more committed to your spouse’s happiness or your own? What changes can you make to bring your priorities in alignment with God’s? Have loving confrontations and willing expressions of forgiveness been characteristic of your marriage? How can you improve in these areas?

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Hebrews 13:4, Genesis 1:27

Making Sex a Mutual Joy

Contrary to the opinion of some, sex is not a topic that God finds taboo. In fact, sex was God’s idea. He created us male and female, and he instituted marriage with the intent that two would become “one flesh.” Why then, do so many couples fail to find mutual satisfaction in this important area of marriage?

One reason is unrealistic expectations. Films, magazines, and novels convey the idea that sexual thrill and mutual sexual satisfaction are automatic. Thus, when couples encounter difficulties in the sexual part of their relationship, they are often frustrated, assuming that their struggles are unique. In reality, most couples struggle in this part of their marriage. Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic. We must learn how to pleasure each other sexually.

Why did God make us so different sexually? God intended sex to be an act of love in which both husband and wife have the attitude “How can I pleasure you?” If we make it an act of love, in which we are each seeking the well-being of the other, we will find mutual sexual fulfillment. If, however, we focus only on our own pleasure, we may never find such fulfillment. Sex was designed by God to be a deep and intimate expression of love, not simply a physical act.

The truth about sex is that God ordained and designed it to bring mutual pleasure in marriage. As in all of life, we are called to live by the truth. We admit our negative attitudes and feelings, but we don’t serve them. With the help of God, we choose to affirm His plans for sex.

In order to find mutual sexual fulfillment, we must learn to communicate openly about this part of our marriage. Your wife will never know your feelings, needs, and desires if you do not express them. Your husband will never know what pleases you if you do not communicate. I have never known a couple who gained sexual oneness without open communication about sexual matters.

I suggest that you make a list of suggestions to give your spouse that would make this part of the marriage better for you. This list may include simple things that your spouse has never thought of. You are the expert on yourself. Open communication is the road to finding mutual sexual fulfillment in marriage.

Respond

How has the media/popular entertainment affected the way you view sex? How does God’s revelation of His design for sex change your view/understanding?

Scriptures: Proverbs 18:13, Proverbs 29:20, Proverbs 12:18, James 1:19

I Said This, You Heard That, I Meant This

The placard read: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Communication is never as easy as it seems. The problem is we don’t always mean what we say. Sometimes we mean what we say and get upset if people don’t take our statements literally. Sometimes, we don’t mean what we say and don’t understand why people can’t read our minds. Is it possible to avoid such misunderstandings? We certainly can reduce the number of misunderstandings by practicing the art of clarifying!

Clarifying is not difficult, but it does require time and thought. We carry on conversations assuming we know what other people mean by what they say. We don’t think about clarifying because we assume we understand. We must first recognize that communication is not that simple.

The most common method of clarifying is “reflective listening,” or “empathetic listening.” You listen to what the person is saying and then tell them what you are hearing, giving them a chance to clarify.

Clarifying questions can take many forms:

• Are you saying . . . ?
• What I hear you saying is . . .
• Does that mean . . . ?
• Let me make sure I understand you.
• It’s really important for me that I understand what you mean. Could you say that in another way?

There cannot be clear communication without real listening. Real listening is more than remaining quiet while your spouse talks. It requires giving the attention necessary to hear what is said and then seeking to clarify what your spouse really means.

Misunderstandings sometimes cause intense emotional pain. “I think we need to go on a diet” is what he said. “He thinks I’m fat and ugly” is what she heard. “I wish you wouldn’t drive so fast” was her effort to keep him from getting a ticket. What he heard was “She thinks I’m irresponsible, so she has to be my mother.” Neither understood what the other meant, but what they thought was meant has caused pain and resentment for days. Their intimacy has been diminished for lack of clarity. Taking time to clarify meaning can heal an emotional infection before it gets serious enough for surgery. Much of life’s emotional pain could be avoided by clarifying meanings.

Respond

A reflective listening exercise: ask your spouse to share an experience from their childhood, one that you have not heard before. Practice reflective, or empathetic, listening by repeating the story back to them as clearly as you understand it. Include the emotions of the experience they shared. Ask them if you fully grasp the facts and emotions. If not, go another round and seek a more accurate understanding. Next, take your turn and share an experience from your childhood with your spouse. Follow the same steps.

Scripture: Matthew 26:36-46

Making Decisions While Maintaining Unity

Sociologists and family counselors agree that one of the greatest problems in marriage is the decision-making process. Visions of democracy dance in the minds of many couples. But when there are only two voting members, democracy often results in a deadlock.

How shall we make decisions? I believe that the best example we have for decision-making among equals is God Himself. God is Trinity—Three who are One. This Trinitarian God has made countless decisions.

The biblical idea of the man as the “head of the woman” has perhaps been the most exploited concept of the Bible. Headship does not mean that the husband has the right to make all decisions and inform the wife what is going to be done. That is unthinkable if one looks seriously at the model of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

It is inconceivable that the Father would ever force the Son to do anything against His will. It is also unthinkable that a husband who followed this pattern would ever force his wife to do anything against her will. Headship does not mean dictatorship. Neither can we conceive of Christ “doing His own thing” without consulting the Father. Why then would a wife “do her own thing” without consulting her husband?

What, then, is the biblical pattern of decision-making? It seems to be a discussion of ideas and feelings—expressed in honesty and love—with the husband as the recognized leader. The objective is always oneness in our decisions. The Trinity knows perfect unity in every decision. As imperfect beings, we may not always be able to obtain the ideal, but that must always be our goal.

What about those times when we have each fully stated our ideas, and yet we cannot agree on a course of action? I suggest that if the decision can wait (and most of them can), then wait. While you are waiting, you and your spouse should be praying and seeking new information that may shed light on the subject. We should also talk with friends who have made similar decisions. We should seek to learn everything we can about the potential decision. After waiting, we will often find unity.

Many couples need to be reminded that they are on the same team.

Respond

Think about the last decision you made as a couple where you were not unified. Who made the final decision? How did the decision-making process affect your relationship? Looking back on the decision, was it the right one?

Scriptures: 1 John 1:9, Psalms 32:5, 1 Corinthians 13:5

The Art of Apologizing

Apologizing is the first step in finding forgiveness. Yet, some of us were taught not to apologize. I remember the young man who remarked, “My father said, ‘Real men don’t apologize.’” I said to him, “Your father was probably a good man, but he got some bad information.” The reality is real men must apologize if we are to have good marriages. The same is true of real women.

Part of our problem is that we have different ideas as to what it means to apologize. Most of us learn to apologize from our parents.

Thousands of people were asked two questions: (1) When you apologize, what do you typically say or do? (2) When someone apologizes to you, what do you want to hear them say or do? Their answers fell into five categories. Briefly, here are the five apology languages.

1. Expressing Regret—“I’m sorry.” However, these two words should never be spoken alone. Tell the person what you are sorry for. Another important factor—never put the word “but” after you say, “I’m sorry.”

2. Accepting Responsibility—“I was wrong and should not have done that,” or “No excuse for that, I accept full responsibility.” For some people, this is what it means to apologize.

3. Offering to Make Restitution—“What can I do to make things right?” or “What can I do to make it easier for you to forgive me?”

4. Expressing the Desire to Change—“I don’t like what I just did. I know I did the same thing last month, and I don’t want to continue doing this. Will you help me come up with a plan so that I can break this habit?”

5. Requesting Forgiveness—“Will you please forgive me?” or “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.” or “I value our relationship and I hope that you will forgive me.”

Once the two of you discover each other’s apology language, I encourage you to think before you apologize and seek to communicate your apology in a language that is meaningful to the other person. You will make it much easier for them to forgive you.

Forgiveness is the godly response to a sincere apology. Forgiveness means that we lift the penalty and show mercy instead of demanding justice. Because we have been forgiven by God, we extend forgiveness.

Respond

For what do you need to apologize to your spouse? Why not do it today? Use all five apology languages, if necessary, but make every effort to communicate that you sincerely apologize. I predict that you will be greeted with genuine forgiveness.

Scriptures: Romans 12:18, Philippians 2:3-6, James 4:1-3

Solving Conflicts without Arguing

It is ironic, but true, that conflicts can be good for relationships. The goal of conflict resolution is not to rid ourselves of our differences. The goal is to learn to work together as a team, utilizing differences to make life better for both of us. Resolving conflicts is one method by which we develop this teamwork.

However, for some couples, conflicts inevitably lead to arguments and arguments often get out of control. Instead of finding solutions, they create new problems. One wife concluded, “I just do whatever he wants because I’m tired of arguing.” Obviously, this approach will not lead to an authentic relationship.

Arguments ultimately lead to one of three results. You win and your spouse loses; you lose and your spouse wins; or you argue to a draw. When arguments end in a draw, both spouses are losers.

The good news is that conflicts can be resolved without arguing. Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. It requires you to respect each other’s ideas even when you disagree and to lovingly respond to your spouse in spite of the fact that you presently have a conflict. The objective is to find a solution, not to win an argument.

Conflicts cannot be resolved without empathetic listening. Most couples believe they are listening to each other when, in fact, they are simply reloading their verbal guns. Empathetic listening is seeking to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. We can’t have a loving response until we first understand what they are saying and feeling.

The most common mistake couples make while trying to resolve conflicts is to respond before they have the full picture. This inevitably leads to arguments. When people respond too quickly, they often respond to the wrong issue. Listening helps us focus on the heart of the conflict. When we listen, understand, and respect each other’s ideas we can then find a solution in which both of us are winners. Love leads both of us to be willing to give in order to bring pleasure to the other. When a husband and wife lovingly seek solutions to conflicts, they find the harmony and teamwork which they are trying to build.

Respond

Think of the last argument you had with your spouse. What was the outcome—you won, you lost, or it was a draw? How did you feel afterward? How did your spouse feel after the argument? How did it affect your relationship? How will you approach the next conflict you experience?

Scriptures: Luke 17:4, Ephesians 4:26, Psalms 7:11, Psalms 56:3

Listening to Your Emotions

Negative and positive emotions are designed by God to serve a positive purpose, to give us direction and motivation. It is how we respond to our emotions that lead to good or bad. Negative emotions call for positive action. Positive emotions call for celebration.

The emotion of anger is a gift of God. We get angry because we are made in God’s image. I can feel anger when I perceive my spouse has: (1) sinned against me; or (2) irritated me by not doing what I wanted. In either case, anger motivates me to take constructive action.

If my spouse has sinned, I am to lovingly confront them. Maybe I have misunderstood their words or actions. An explanation could bring healing to the whole situation. Or perhaps they will admit what they did was unkind and ask forgiveness, which I must be willing to extend.

However, if my anger is growing out of irritation and not sinful behavior, it also leads me to constructive action. I might say, “I know what you did was not wrong, but I want to share this because I love you and want our relationship to be authentic.”

Fear is another common emotion, often accompanying anger. It arises when we feel we are in danger. It stimulates us to fight or run, depending upon which seems best. For example, a physically and verbally abusive spouse sparks fear in the heart of the abused. To physically fight back may escalate the hostility. The fear, however, must not be ignored. It is speaking loudly that constructive action needs to be taken. Fear is designed to motivate you to protect yourself, and communicate to the abuser that you will not continue to be a part of such behavior. Often this constructive act will motivate the abuser to get help to handle their own emotional problems.

Our fears lead us to God and we rest in His strength to protect us. Don’t put yourself down for feeling fear. Just run to the loving arms of God.

Healthy marriages encourage the sharing of emotions, and together we can help each other decide what is the best way to celebrate, or what is the best course of action to deal with a painful situation.

Response

Do you talk with God about your emotions, both positive and negative? Give it a try right now. Are you comfortable sharing your emotions with your spouse? If not, how does this chapter encourage you to step outside your comfort zone and begin to open up about your feelings? When you experience positive emotions, what would be a good way you and your spouse can celebrate? What might make it less threatening for you to share your negative emotions with your spouse?