Radical Wisdom: A 7-Day Journey For Husbands

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:22-25, Ephesians 4:29

When Is a Man a Real Man?

When I hear someone say, “So I should let my wife do whatever she wants?” I think, Let her? Show me a marriage where the guy “lets his wife,” and I’ll show you one where the wife has her bags packed—psychologically, if not physically.

Real men are in control, right? Not right. I confess . . . while I would have vehemently denied it, for years I tried to control my wife. I had expectations. But when I stopped expecting, coaching, counseling, criticizing, questioning, and trying to control, our marriage improved. 

Being in control implies that one has authority. A lot of Christian men love the idea of having authority over their wives. They hang on the first seven words of Ephesians 5:22: “Wives should submit to their husbands in everything” without paying attention to Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

No person can control another person, not really. And when I look at Jesus, I see the most powerful leader ever choosing to live as a gentle servant. He could have exerted control if He’d wanted to, but He chose to lead through influence.

As men, our identity comes from being an adopted son of God. If your identity is tied to being a “real man,” e.g., the husband in control of his wife, that’s a false identity, and it doesn’t look anything like Jesus.

Encourage your wife . . . meaning “give her courage.” Instead of more “wives should submit to their husbands” we need more “husbands, love your wives.”

Question: What will you do this week to encourage your wife? 

Scriptures: 1 Peter 3:7-8, Proverbs 18:13

A Wife with No Voice  

One of the most helpless feelings in the world is hearing your wife say, “I feel like I have no voice!” Especially after you’ve just explained a situation or decision to her for the third time and you’re sure you’ve listened to her input. I can’t tell you how deeply it hurts to make the effort to give her the extra detail she always wants and then to have it thrown back in your face and be criticized.

A few months ago, a friend made this statement to me. I feel like I should carve it on a stone tablet . . .

A wife who feels she “has no voice” is one whose husband has talked about the issue but failed to connect with her feelings.

A while back, a friend and his wife were at each other’s throats over the new car they needed. His wife explained why she wanted a minivan . . . why it fit her needs and her personality at this stage of life (two small kids . . . lots of activities . . . “Mom’s taxi”). My friend found a deal on a huge, safe SUV and bought it without any real conversation with his wife. She couldn’t get past it.

When he learned this principle, he went to her and let her unpack her feelings about both the car choice and about the lack of connection to her feelings. He “fell on his sword,” and now they’re on the same page again.

It’s a powerful principle. Connect with her feelings first, then talk about the facts. You’ll get a different reception.

Question: Do you regularly connect with your wife’s feelings? Is there anything you need to bring up and let her unpack . . . while you just listen?

Scriptures: Mark 12:31, Colossians 1:29, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love Stays  

What makes a man godly? How does he demonstrate his love for God? By fulfilling the second commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). Who are your closest neighbors? Your wife and your kids.

What’s the first thing a husband and father does to demonstrate love for them?

He stays.

Godly men don’t run off. They don’t run away. Author John Lynch defines love as “meeting needs.” Your wife’s number one need is security. That starts with you being committed. Staying. Regardless, you work it out.

Too many men are moving away instead of staying. We pursue selfish acts and ambitions that move us away from the good things God intends for us.

Love stays. Elder-type men stick with their Lord, the wife of their youth, their kids, their families, and the church. No matter what. 

I’ll never forget one of the men I mentored telling about how his dad would get up early to read his Bible and pray. He’d get down and kneel on the couch, and when the son got up later in the morning, he’d see the imprint of his dad’s face in the couch. He knew his dad had been there before dawn, praying for him . . . he could see his face print. 

Another mentee had quite a different experience. His memory is his dad announcing he didn’t love his mom anymore and that he was moving out. He moved in with his girlfriend and deserted his family. Every single day, this thirty-something year old man deals with the damage his dad did to him when he decided not to stay.

If you’re thinking about leaving, don’t. Stay. If you’re there in body but not in spirit, stay . . . turn your heart to your family and get yourself together where it matters most. People are watching. Your kids are watching. Your grandchildren are (or will be) watching. People inside and outside the faith are watching.

Question: Will you decide, I mean really decide, to stay? And then will you tell (or remind) your wife that you’re not going anywhere . . . not now, not ever?

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:26-27, James 1:19-20, Proverbs 4:23

What’s Down in the Well Comes Up in the Bucket

One of my young executives taught me a principle years ago that I’ve never forgotten. It was cathartic for me as a leader . . . and as a husband.

He said, “When something one of your employees does bothers you, confront them with it before that day ends. No matter how petty . . . how trivial . . . how embarrassing, confront it. Don’t go home; don’t let them go home, without talking it out.” 

For years, I harbored grudges against my wife. “She’s not this,” “She doesn’t do that.” I let all those little things build up until they were destroying our marriage. What would have happened if I had dealt with all that stuff along the way? What if I had sought counsel about my feelings and judgments? What if I’d talked those things out with her immediately when I started to feel them?

The reality is that it took her leaving for a while to wake me up to the junk I had hidden down in my “well.” Like a splinter buried deep in the sole of your foot, it has to come out or it’s going to lead to real problems.

God created us for relationships. He taught us to keep short accounts—“before dark” short. When we man up and deal with what’s lodged in our hearts, we’ll be healthier, lighter, and more lovable. 

Question: Will you make a commitment to yourself that you won’t hold grudges against your wife? That you’ll bring stuff up instead of letting it simmer? Tell her about it if you need to. Maybe even ask her if she will consider doing it too.

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:21, Ephesians 4:2-3, Colossians 3:13-14

Submission to Oneness

Submit may be the most controversial word in the Bible, especially when it’s used by a man talking about a woman. Submission doesn’t come naturally. Start telling your wife how she’s supposed to submit to you and you’ll find yourself celibate—and not because you meant to be.

What God has for us in marriage isn’t found in making anyone do anything. It’s not about the requirement that the husband do “X” so the wife will do “Y” or vice versa. The jewel we’re digging for is oneness. Voluntary, not obligatory. Filling, not draining.

As a husband, I feel oneness when I know I measure up. When she lets me know I have what it takes and when she listens to me.

She feels oneness when she feels cherished. When she feels loved, lovely, and lovable. Accepted and not criticized. When she feels my focused attention.

So . . . instead of battling over who goes first . . . whether love brings submission or vice versa, why not make it mutual?

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

Instead of doing things for the sake of our marriage, what would happen if we created an imaginary third party called oneness? What if we started thinking, for the sake of oneness, I’m going to pass up the temptation to snap back to what she just said. For the sake of oneness, I’m going to let him off for forgetting that thing I asked him to do. For the sake of oneness . . .

Recognize it’s oneness you both want. Oneness “out of reverence for Christ,” Who put the two of you together in the first place.

Question: “Out of reverence for Christ,” will you do what it takes to pursue oneness with your wife?

Scriptures: Mark 10:6-9, Proverbs 19:21, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

The Marriage Cage  

Marriage is easy when you’re feeling the love. When you aren’t, marriage feels like a cage. But think about this: what if the cage is there to protect you?

If you were alone and it was dark and you were deep in the jungles of Africa with lions, tigers, leopards, jackals . . . all kinds of hungry animals looking for fresh meat . . . you’d give anything for a cage. You’d gladly lock yourself inside.

Maybe that’s why God created the institution of marriage. Maybe it’s there to protect us from the dangers and the temptations we’re drawn to . . . things that might kill us if we were set free.

Why should we value or protect institutions? Because institutions are ways to sustain important activities over time.

Let’s say there’s a good-hearted doctor who takes care of everyone in his community. What happens when the doctor dies?

We created an institution to sustain the healthcare we all need. The good-hearted doctor is still at the heart of it, but now he’s connected to an institution, the hospital, which is a system that will carry on.

Marriage is sort of like that. It’s a system that carries two people through when they don’t feel love for each other. Consider this . . . 

Love initiates marriage. But marriage sustains love.

Remember that God created marriage, and He put you in yours for your benefit. Probably for your protection, as well. Marriage will only be sustained if people think long-term, stay committed even when they don’t feel like it, and trust God for the love and protection He provides through marriage.

Question: Are you actively working to protect your marriage?

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 13:11, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Ephesians 5:25-28

The Bait and Switch?

Everyone who gets married gets surprised. There are things you find out after the wedding that you didn’t know beforehand. It’s not intentional . . . it’s nobody’s fault. It just happens. 

Infatuation is partly to blame. The idea of the person gets so jacked up by emotion and hormones that you can’t see the actual person objectively. 

Here’s the thing: love isn’t a hole you fall into . . . it’s a choice you make. Mature love is fueled by commitment, tenacity, and determination more than passion, romance, and flowers. It doesn’t feel good a lot of the time. But it is good . . . and good for us.

Marriage isn’t about falling in love once and staying in love with that same woman all your life. It’s choosing to love her as she is in each stage of life, adapting your love to the woman she has become and is becoming. 

A husband’s love must mature as he and his wife mature. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 . . .

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

I could paraphrase that to say, “When I was a newlywed, I talked like a newlywed, I thought like a newlywed, I reasoned like a newlywed. When I matured, I put the ways of a newlywed behind me.” 

Translated: I grew up, accepted her exactly as she is, and started to love her with a rock-solid, committed, selfless kind of love that never gives up or goes away—the same kind of love Jesus has for us. 

Question: Have you matured in your love for your wife? 

Did this plan challenge you as a husband?