Healing Family Relationships Through Repentance

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 5:17

Repentance is a word often used in Christian circles. Sometimes we use religious words without understanding their actual meaning. In the Bible, particularly the New Testament, the word repentance literally means “a change of mind.” It means that we radically shift our thinking, attitude, and mindset in regard to our sin. We take responsibility and drop the excuses. We stop sugarcoating, minimizing, and blaming. We change our minds and change course.

I can think of situations when I have lost my temper with my wife. I went to her and said, “I am sorry I yelled at you, but I would not have gotten angry if you had not spoken disrespectfully to me.” Rather than take full responsibility for my anger and harshness, I blamed my wife. True repentance is a complete changing of the mind. Instead of passing the buck, I fully accept that the buck stops with me.

Imagine that you are out for a long hike in the woods. After walking for a while, you recognize that you have taken a wrong turn. You stop hiking in the wrong direction, turn around, and hike back toward the point where you took the wrong turn. That is repentance. First, you recognize that you have gone down the wrong path (your mind changes). Second, you turn around and take intentional steps in the right direction (your behavior changes).

True repentance does not stop with a change in our thinking but continues with a change in our behavior. We have all experienced people in our lives who apologize to us over and over for the same offense, and yet their behavior never changes. After a while, the apologies begin to lose their meaning.

Today, ask God to give you a truly repentant heart – one that accepts responsibility and takes action to change.

Reflection Question: In what area of your life do you need to not only acknowledge you are wrong but also take action to change your behavior?

Scripture: 1 John 1:8-9

In the previous devotional, we discussed how true repentance requires an acknowledgment of wrong and a change in our behavior. Remember, repentance means “a change of mind.” Repentance does not just involve the person we have wronged, but in Scripture, we are called to confess our sins and repent before the Lord first.

Confession is an essential and early action step in repentance. To confess means “to say with” or “to agree with.” When we confess sin to God, we are telling God that He is right and we are wrong. We agree with Him and His Word that something we have done or said is sin.

While Christ has paid the full price for all our sins, and forgiveness is freely offered to us, confession requires specificity. We do not pray, “Lord, I want to confess the sins I have committed today. I can’t remember any of them in particular, but I am sure you do, so I want to ask for a general forgiveness of those miscellaneous sins.” No! When we confess our sins, we name them.

Your prayer might sound something like this: “Lord, I admit that my broken relationship with _________ is not all his/her fault. I have sinned against him/her. I want to repent of all those sins right now. I confess my sin of ______________. I fully admit I was wrong when I ______________. I take responsibility for _____________. Thank you that I can confess all these things to you because of Jesus’ death and resurrection.”

God welcomes our honest confession and is faithful to forgive.

Reflection Question: Is there a family member you have wronged? Are you ready to begin the repentance process by confessing that to the Lord? He loves you and welcomes your prayers.

Scripture: Matthew 5:23-24

After we have done the vertical work of repentance, it is time to do the horizontal work of repentance and confession with your family member. You may be in a situation in which you have no personal contact. In that case, do the vertical work of repentance and ask the Lord to prepare your heart for the day. He may make it possible for you to talk about these things with your family member.

Repentance is more than an apology. Too often, apologies are superficial exchanges of “the right words.” Apologies can be superficial and fake. Repentance and confession are real.

There are five powerful ingredients we can include when we ask forgiveness from a family member:

1. Confess – We simply state the wrong thing(s) we did.
2. Acknowledge You Were Wrong – This is an extraordinarily powerful sentence when it comes from the heart. After you have confessed, just say, “I was wrong.”
3. Express Regret – This is the step where we say, “I am sorry.” We feel bad for how our words and actions hurt our family members.
4. Commit to Change – Repentance is a change of mind that leads to a change in behavior. Express your desire for God to help your future behavior.
5. Ask for Forgiveness – After you have walked through the first four steps, ask this important question, “Will you please forgive me?”

Taking these steps is not easy, but it opens the door to genuine healing and reconciliation.

Reflection Question: Which of the five steps of asking forgiveness is most difficult for you, and why? What might be holding you back from going to your family member to ask for their forgiveness?

Scripture: Ephesians 4:31-32

The goal of repentance is to seek peace by taking a step toward healing the relationship with your family member. But if we are not careful, even with good intentions, we can cause additional damage. Here are some pitfalls to avoid:

First, avoid saying “I was wrong, but…” After we apologize, we often flip things back onto the other person. “I am sorry I lied to you, but you have been so angry with me lately, and I didn’t want to make you more upset.” Or “I was wrong to lose my temper like that, but you have a short fuse too!” The first half of these sentences is right on the money, but then they take a negative turn with the two words “but you…” It may be appropriate to address your family member’s behavior, but that is for a different conversation, most likely on a different day.

Second, avoid asking “Aren’t you going to apologize?” Sometimes, when my heart is angry and defensive, I apologize for something I did wrong with the secret motive of wanting my family member to apologize to me. If your family member chooses to respond to your repentance with a confession of their own, that is an extra blessing in the conversation. However, it is a much wiser course to simply focus on taking responsibility for your part in the conflict and seeking their forgiveness.

Finally, avoid over-apologizing. It is possible to take too much responsibility in a strained relationship. We absolutely should take responsibility for the things we have done wrong, yet we can damage the relationship by apologizing beyond that.

Reflection Question: Which of these pitfalls do you find yourself most susceptible to, and how can you avoid them in your next conversation?

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:26-27, Matthew 5:23-24

In healthy relationships, conversations about wrongs and hurts don’t happen once a decade, but more like once a week. Jesus encourages us to address broken relationships without delay.

In Matthew 5, Jesus is speaking about a person who wants to worship and follow God. Specifically, this person has come to the Temple with an offering and then remembers a conflict with a brother. Jesus calls the man to leave the gift at the altar and first seek peace with his brother. Pursuing reconciliation is an act of worship.

God would have us keep short accounts with one another so that seeds of bitterness do not take root and later grow to cause trouble. The Lord challenges us in Ephesians 4 to not let the sun go down on our anger. God calls us to deal with sin and conflict quickly. Today is the best day to deal with today’s problems.

When we allow hurts and offenses to accumulate without addressing them, we give the enemy a foothold in our relationships. Instead, by dealing with issues promptly and with humility, we create space for ongoing healing and growth. Repentance isn’t a one-time event but a lifestyle of humility and accountability.

Reflection Question: What issue might you need to address with a family member before the sun goes down today?