If He Wanted to He Would

Scripture: Psalms 139:23-24

The ‘Situationship’

“Hey, what’s up? You free later?”

You know the text. The ambiguous one-liner from the guy you’ve been crushing on. You had a hunch he might like you back, and now he finally asked you out! Or did he? He asked if you were ‘free,’ which implies he wants to see you. He did say ‘later,’ which would position the timing of the meet up under cover of night, and the only time two people hang out at night is if they both have mutual feelings for each other, so with all of these equations combined, I think it’s safe to say: it’s a date!

Ok, ok, maybe the female brain is more prone to psychoanalyze than we like to admit. I can list dozens of times I received a text like this and immediately went flying around my apartment complex screaming, “I’m in love, I’m in love!” Bold move, I know, but can you blame me? I was following the lead of the guy who asked me out. He was pursuing me – or was he?

As defined by an online dictionary, the word pursuit is the action of following or pursuing someone or something. Digging a little deeper, we find related words: chasing, trailing, or stalking. *To be clear, if a stalker is pursuing you, please stop reading this and seek immediate legal action.* All jokes aside, these words are powerful and help paint a picture of the type of intentional action that is the by-product of someone’s thoughts and feelings about you. If a man is interested in you with the intention of a real-life connection worthy of your time, it should drive his curiosity to the point of insanity until you grant him access. A last-minute ditch effort to see you while eating burritos is not the holy grail of pursuit.

When I looked up antonyms of the word ‘pursuit,’ I made a striking discovery! The words ’retreat’ and ‘withdraw’ are the first two that popped up in my search, and my jaw about dropped onto my keyboard. So you’re telling me that instead of closing the distance with intentional pursuit, a man is creating margin for a retreat and withdrawing himself while still enjoying the benefits of your affection by stringing you along? WHAT?! Unclear intentions = withdrawn emotions and a relationship status agenda worthy of Jersey Shore chaos and confusion.

So how do we avoid these ‘situationships’ as my boy Mikey from the Jersey Shore likes to put it? It all begins with recognizing your unhealthy love patterns and how you’ve been wired to become attracted to toxic attention from men, calculating it in your brain as ‘pursuit.’ There is a theory in psychology called ‘attachment style theory’ that reveals how we’ve learned to attach in our relationships based on how we were raised. We are either secure or insecure in our attachment style. If we’re insecure, we express these fears in one of two ways: anxious or avoidant. (Look up the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this.)

This might take some time to untangle, but I believe God wants to reveal these toxic love patterns and heal your attachment style by rewiring your attraction and helping you re-connect back to your true value.

I am OBSESSED with Psalm 139:23-24 in the passion translation: “God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way— the path that brings me back to you.”

You can breathe easily. God, the creator of the universe, is here to pluck you off your path of pain and put you on a path that leads you back to Him. He is so eagerly pursuing you. He is so after you. He wants to do more than hang with you over burritos. He wants to woo you and is committed to every ugly part of you along this journey of pursuit. But do you believe it?

Take some time to reflect on the traits you’ve been attracted to up until now. Make a list of toxic things you’ve settled for in a relationship or ways you’ve tolerated being treated less than you deserve. Then make a list of healthy attractions that you want to be drawn to in a man. Ask the holy spirit to heal your heart and seek counsel on how to become secure in your attachment style as you continue on this journey of breaking the cycle of toxic love patterns.

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 11:14-15, Ephesians 4:1-2

Low self-esteem = low standards

I pulled a survey on my Instagram yesterday and asked my friends what makes them feel the most pursued by a man. The overwhelming response was: when they have clear intentions, ask questions, are intentional with planning, follow through with actions, and make an effort.

I gathered from all of this data: women want to feel seen and valued by a man. So why are we settling for anything less? Why are we falling for minimal effort and interactions with men who do not possess these qualities? Why are we ‘confused’ about a man’s pursuit when we should be enlightened by their lack of pursuit and realize they aren’t into us? As I said on day one, we are wired to be drawn to men based on our attachment style formed during childhood. I’m not a psychologist and have no authority to help you untangle your childhood trauma, but what I can do is expose the enemy’s lies that make us believe we aren’t worthy of pursuit.

If you’re like me and find yourself scrolling through TikTok late at night (Lord, forgive me for I have sinned), you also find yourself weeping at the sight of cute couples in relationships. Lyrics fill the air, “He’s one of the good ones,” a tear slides down your cheek as you see the words, “If he wanted to, he would” bannered across images of a man bringing in groceries for his wife. What a marvelous sight to behold. All of a sudden, at 11 pm, you find yourself fighting the impulse to chuck your phone out the window and denounce men forever to become a nun because the closest resemblance to this depiction of pursuit was when your boyfriend-not really your boyfriend handed you your bag to carry at the airport when you flew in to visit him right before you financially supported the entire weekend. (This may or may not be based on a true story.) But WHY THOUGH? Why would I ever put myself in this situation?

For one, let’s have a little grace for ourselves. In many cases, a man will love-bomb you (pour on the compliments, promises, and commitments) early on in the relationship to fortify your sense of security and trust regardless of their actions. It’s no shock we wouldn’t recognize their minimal effort in pursuit when we’ve become intoxicated with infatuation and consumed by the emotional response our attachment style bonded within this toxic dynamic. But my girl, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than minimal effort.

Many women are willing to settle for less than they deserve when they are afraid they will never meet anyone else. Subconsciously we tell ourselves this is what we are worth and opt for a low-quality relationship/lack of pursuit because it’s a better consolation than not being pursued at all. We make excuses for the guy, defend him, and look for ways to justify the relationship because it would be more painful to admit we deserve a man’s full heart and attention but, for some reason, aren’t receiving it.

Be honest with yourself. Do you believe you are truly worthy of love? Do you believe you are worthy of all those attributes listed at the beginning of this devotional? Do you feel pursued by God in this way? Do you treat yourself with this same standard? The enemy wants you to believe you aren’t worthy of love, and he will wrap his lies around your heart’s desire to ensnare you in a lifestyle of perpetual heartache, so you never experience true love (which comes from God). I’m about to expose him. 2 Corinthians 11:14-15 says, “…Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness….”

I know this sounds dramatic, but it’s essential to your breakthrough. God has a plan for your love life, and so does Satan. He wants to get you all wrapped up, twisted, and confused by the chaos of toxic relationships. He does it by conniving you and seducing your emotions with an infatuation of attraction. He desensitizes your need to feel seen by wooing you with empty affections and convinces you to believe you’re worth the minimal return. Or, if you’ve never been pursued romantically, he targets your lonely heart and lies to you about your beauty and desirability. I’m not saying you’re dating Satan if your man doesn’t treat you according to your value, but he will certainly use it to limit your beliefs and minimize the calling on your life.

So how do we break free from living in these lies about our worth? We start by getting honest with ourselves and God and admitting we haven’t been living according to our calling. Ephesians 4:1 says, “Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.” You have been called by God, meaning he has a purpose, assignment, and passion for you. He wants to pour heaven into you and out of you, but that can only be possible if you live a holy life worthy of your calling. God is just as eagerly pursuing you as he wants to partner with you to live a connected life in all areas. You are so worthy of being seen.

Write down five areas you are struggling with in your worth and ask the Holy Spirit to bring healing to those areas and show you healthy boundaries to set in place to start living according to your calling. As your self-esteem begins to rise, so will your standards.

Scriptures: Philippians 4:7-8, 1 Peter 5:7

Fantasy vs. Future

“But Esther, what do I do if the guy I’m talking to is so sweet and a Christian? He has a cross tattoo and said he wants to move to Kona to do YWAM. I’m pretty positive he likes me. He’s just waiting on God’s timing to make a move.”

If I could, I’d slap you across the face and say, “WAKE UP!” Friend, this isn’t Paradise Island; this is REAL LIFE, and that mindset does not empower you to live fully in your present moment. I remember thinking this exact thought about 500 times before it dawned on me that homeboy was never going to chase me. Not because God didn’t give him a ‘release,’ but because he genuinely didn’t WANT to. We are compelled to speak and take action when we desire something. Of course, as believers, we take time to consult the Holy Spirit and ask Him to guide our decisions, but at the end of the day, we are living a human experience. When I am hungry, I don’t pray about whether I should eat. I desire to eat because it comes out of a natural need to nourish my body, and out of that place, I am drawn to the kitchen where the food is provided. That’s how God designed it. When it comes to finding a spouse, the equation is the same. You need companionship, and you are drawn to what is attractive by a desire for a healthy individual to do life with that will lead to nourishment for your soul. That’s how God designed it. When we misdiagnose a situation, we complicate things by masking our longing with false spirituality.

Let me be loud and clear: Ladies, just because a guy asks you out doesn’t mean God sent him to you as a sign that you are finally ‘ready’ to get married, and just because you haven’t been asked out doesn’t mean you aren’t ‘ready,’ or the guy you’re into is praying and fasting on when to ask you. He either wants to ask you, or he doesn’t. He either will or won’t, and if he wanted to, he would.

Philippians 4:8 puts us in line, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” I know it’s hard not to let your thoughts wander and dream into the idea of a future romance. I get it. Truthfully, I’m not saying this is wrong, but I feel we have fallen into the enemy’s trap when we allow our mythicized ideas of the future to become the leading narrative in our life. We allow the fantasy to take the place of what is true, noble, right, and pure. Fantasy is not from God.

God promises to give you a future, not a fantasy. “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Jeremiah 29:11

Ask yourself: Am I praying for God to fulfill my fantasy or my future?

*Cue Mariah Carey* “But it’s just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby, when I close my eyes, you come and take me, on and on and on. It’s so deep in my daydreams, but it’s just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby!” Wow, I feel called out by Mariah.

Are you applying your faith to a thing you’ve built into an idol and asking heaven to breathe life into a lifeless god? Are you allowing God to speak the truth to you and purify your motives, or are you clinging to your fears and pretending to mask them with false spirituality?

Take some time to evaluate your heart’s motives and seek the Lord if you’ve made an idol out of your fantasies. Ask Him to give you hope for the future He has for you.

Scriptures: Matthew 5:37, Isaiah 55:10-11

Don’t Fall For The ‘But Traps’

Ok, so how will I know when he does want to pursue me? Here are a few traps we tend to fall into when straddling the line of navigating our emotions as we encounter potential suitors along our journey.

The: “But he texts me every day and tells me his deepest darkest secrets” trap. My girl, this is called emotional dumping and is a luminescent red flag blowing in the wind warning you to re-route your emotions and spare yourself the heartache. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he’d honor your time and establish healthy emotional boundaries. Just know, if he’s giving you free access to his emotions/heart without reservation, you’re not the only one with an access pass.

The: “But he told me he wanted to stay in touch” trap. I’m going to do my best not to crush your little heart. Delete his contact and let Siri rename him as: ‘maybe _____’. If he reaches out, you will be delightfully surprised. If he doesn’t, you won’t even notice. If he wanted to stay in touch romantically, the truth is, he would drive to see you, call you when it’s inconvenient for him, and invest his time into making you feel pursued. Sorry to break it to you, but this is code for: have a nice life.

The: “But I’ve never felt this way about ANYONE” trap. I’m sorry, but what makes this statement in ANY way trustworthy? Why do we assume a ‘first time feeling’ gives us authority to validate our situation. If anything, I’d caution anyone who hasn’t felt something more than once. Feelings are fleeting, and it’s only after they’ve repeated themselves a few times that we can accurately have a pulse on where those feelings could potentially be leading us. I can promise you WILL feel that again. You WILL have a similar connection. Don’t build a fantasy on a feeling. Build a future on the promises of God and the truth about what you know, not what you feel.

The: “But he asks me to hang out alone all the time” trap. Unless you are one of the bros, honestly communicated platonic feelings for each other, and you’re cool with cruising in the friend zone (which is highly unlikely ’cause you’re reading a devotional on dating) ‘hanging out’ is not a bat signal for unidentified romantic feelings. Baby girl, you deserve a REAL DATE with a REAL MAN who uses the REAL WORD “DATE” when he wants to spend time with you. If homeboy is asking you to hang out on a whim when it’s convenient for him, he doesn’t want to date you. He’d pick you up and take you out if he wanted to. He’d make reservations or, at the very least, purchase your burrito. This is not just a red flag, but a giant billboard with the words ‘He’s just not that into you,’ flashing in red lights with fireworks exploding above. It’s time to accept this act of minimal effort for what it truly is: a lack of emotional intelligence, mature communication, and healthy boundaries.

The: “But he told me he wanted to marry me” trap. Baby girl, if he wanted to marry you, he’d exemplify the sacrificial characteristics of a potential husband. He’d put in the effort, give the relationship time to grow, and not be hasty with his words or desire. The promise of marriage in a relationship isn’t a sign from God that ‘he is the one.’ It also isn’t a sign that your man is committed to the longevity of your relationship. Of course, he wants to marry you! You’re a catch! A man who has the character to sustain the responsibility of being a husband won’t make presumptuous promises.

Truly, I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Matthew 5:37 says, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ Anything more comes from the evil one.” Wow, Jesus is looking out for you, sis. He sets the highest standard of being a man of His Word Jesus is the ultimate example of a man who wanted to and did everything He said He would.

What has Jesus promised you that you’d allow man’s broken promises to rob you of your childlike faith? Have you been so perpetually disappointed that it has numbed you to believe God will fulfill His Word?

Scriptures: Ephesians 1:4-5, 1 Peter 1:18-19

He Wanted to, and He Did

You are wanted. You are pursued. You are seen. You are valued. Jesus saw you in your mess. He saw you without makeup on. He saw you in your vulnerability. And He still chose you. He said, “She’s the one I want to have a relationship with. Not just for a season, but forever.” Then He stepped out of heaven and put action behind His words. Ephesians 1:4 says, “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.”

Let me ask you a question: what are you looking forward to most in a relationship/marriage? How do you want a man to treat you? Now, let me ask another question: Does Jesus make you feel that way? Do you have what you’re looking for in your relationship with Christ?

If your answer is no, then I’d strongly encourage you to take time to be vulnerable with Jesus and allow Him to fill those intimate places in your heart. If your answer is yes, I encourage you to ask yourself if you trust God to fulfill His promise or if you’ve stuffed down your desire and pretended it doesn’t exist. It’s possible to be content with your life while also longing for the hope to come. It’s possible to have faith in God for a miracle while also grateful for what you already have. There is a mystery of satisfaction in gratitude and revelation of the goodness of God. It’s a sensation as if you already have the thing you long for.

Before finishing this devotional, I came across something I posted on Instagram nine months ago. I wrote, “I talk a lot about finding the joy/adventure in singleness, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days when my own heart hurts. I recently went through a breakup that honestly was one of the hardest decisions of my life. But the most incredible thing I’ve experienced since then is the supernatural peace of God. His love and presence are my greatest rebound and I’m confident redemption is soon to follow. If you’re going through a breakup or still getting over someone you once loved, I’m praying you experience this too. The goodness of God CAN be trusted. This isn’t how our story ends.”

So I tell you, friend, no matter where you are on the spectrum of navigating how to be pursued or wishing someone would pursue you, this isn’t how your story ends. Your journey is not defined by finding someone worthy of your attention because you already have the attention of heaven. Your journey is your own, and you get to decide the standard you will uphold to use your time in singleness. Raise that standard high, allow Jesus to redefine it, feel the pursuit of heaven, step into your calling, arise to the greatness within you, treat yourself with love and respect, and, by golly, laugh and cry your way through all the heartache, pain, and suffering to reach the other side of absolute ridiculous hope!

Nine months later, after writing those words, I am a living testimony of redemption. On February 14th, I met an incredible man who pursued me like a man on a mission! Yes, on Valentine’s Day, aka singleness awareness day, when singles often feel the most unseen and aching in their heart to be loved. It also happened to be the day my book ‘Single Shouldn’t Suck’ was released after nine years of writing it, but that’s another story. God is incredibly cheesy and so so good. He knows, He sees, He pursues. He wants to fulfill every promise for you NOW. Maybe not the way you’ve dreamed up within your expectations, but in His way far beyond our imagination.

So, where will you go from here? Will you continue spiraling into toxic love patterns, swiping left and right to fill your empty insatiable desire to be pursued? Or will you give your heart time to heal and sit in the waiting and pain long enough to feel the pursuit of heaven? Will you keep making excuses for that guy that you swear is ‘the one,’ or will you surrender it fully to God and let Him work beyond your ability to control?

I know it’s not easy, but you weren’t created for easy. You deserve to be fought for and a love so great it can withstand the test of time and endurance to win your heart. Give your heart the fighting chance it deserves. Don’t settle for minimal effort. Don’t diminish your value. Don’t fall in love with a fantasy. Don’t give in to the trap of false promises. That’s not the narrative of a love story worthy of shouting from the rooftops. Turn the page and start living like the main character of a truly amazing adventure with God at the center of your heart’s desire.