Wisdom for Dating

Scriptures: 1 John 4:16-19, Colossians 2:6-8, John 10:7-10

Want to Date?

Hey, we just met, and this might seem a bit forward, but why do you want to date?

Why does our reason to date matter? Because our “why” for dating is like the maps app on our phone. It can tell us if we’re going in the right direction or veering off course. As with a map, there are a lot of directions we could go, but with something as potentially life-altering as dating, it helps to know where we’re headed.

So, what are your hopes for dating? Maybe you want company on your adventures, or you want to find the right person to marry? You might be trying to learn more about yourself and what you’re looking for in a partner.

Maybe you’re not sure why you want to date. That’s okay too. Before we dive into wisdom for dating, let’s take some pressure off.

Feeling the Pressure

Have you ever thought, All my friends are dating, so I should too. Or, At my age, I need to find someone fast! Or maybe, My friends/parents keep asking me when I’m going to propose, but I’m not sure if they’re the right person for me. You’re not alone.

For those facing pressure, the reason for dating might be to find someone to complete you or to fit into a certain life plan. Or it might be to make someone else happy or avoid conflict.

Those reasons for dating are common, but pressure or manipulation doesn’t reflect God’s heart for us. You won’t find a clear relationship timeline in the Bible. Maybe that’s because our worth doesn’t come from our relationship status. It comes from God who made you—and from the way He loves you.

So, before asking how to date, or who to date, let’s choose healthy reasons for why to date. Scripture invites us to find our worth, satisfaction, and joy in our relationship with God. When we do, the rest of our relationships can become less pressured, more whole, and more formed by Him. Instead of looking for a relationship to fulfill us or fix us, we can look for a partner in following God as He builds His kingdom through our lives.

Challenge: Reflect on why you want to date. Have you been feeling pressured in a negative way? If so, allow the truth of Scripture to fill you with confidence and purpose.

Scriptures: 1 John 3:1, John 15:9, Ephesians 2:8-10, Romans 12:1-2, Philippians 4:8-9

Overcoming Insecurity

Most of us have some quirks, habits, and traits we feel insecure about, and those insecurities can impact our relationships with others.

A 2007 study by authors from major universities found that as many as 81 percent of the participants lied in their online dating profiles. What tempts us to misrepresent ourselves to people whose approval we desire? Does it have to do with insecurity?

Maybe someone told you something hurtful about your body which still causes you to feel shame. Or you find it difficult to connect with others. Maybe you have a voice in your head telling you lies like you’re “too boring” or “too high maintenance” to date.

Insecurity often sounds like a voice in our head telling us we’re not good enough. It impacts how we view our body, personality, and abilities. And if we’re being honest, we all feel insecure about something.

So how can you overcome insecurity? One way is to apply truth and wisdom from Scripture throughout your life. You are not who other people say you are. You are not what you imagine others think of you. You are God’s child, and He loves you. He’s called you, given you gifts, and has a purpose for your life.

Scripture shows us how God sees us as loved, known, wanted, cared for, and pursued. How might these truths transform the why, whether, when, how, and who of dating for you?

Challenge: Consider some worries or insecurities you have about dating. Then, reflect on today’s verses and consider how Jesus’ care, compassion, and purpose for you can help you overcome insecurity.

Scriptures: Colossians 3:1-10, 2 Corinthians 6:14, Proverbs 27:17

How Do We Deal With Different?

Anyone you date is going to be different from you. They’ll likely have some interests you don’t share and some opinions you might not see eye to eye on. And that’s good news! Why? Because differences can help us discover so much about ourselves and the kind of person we want to spend our life with. But how different is too different?

Dealbreakers

What are your dealbreakers? You know, the things that would instantly shut down your dating relationship? Maybe it’s a differing worldview or some other strongly held belief you can’t get on board with. Or maybe they have a bunch of pet tarantulas, and you’re not willing to be a spider-stepparent.

Dealbreakers are healthy, and we should all have a few. They’re healthy boundaries to help us avoid potential disasters. But they can hold us back. Why? Because it’s possible to have a few too many dealbreakers.

How Selective Should We Be?

We want to have high standards, but how do we know when our standards are too high? The answer is different for everyone. But there are risks at both extremes:

• If our standards are too low, we might risk missing red flags, resulting in an unhealthy relationship.
• If we set the bar too high, we might sabotage what could otherwise have been a healthy and fruitful relationship.

So what’s the answer? Well, Scripture doesn’t give us an exhaustive list of how to find just the right person. Instead, it offers us wisdom to help us see what matters most.

Can I Date Someone Who Doesn’t Follow Jesus?

God has called us to live differently from the people around us by embracing forgiveness, grace, generosity, and sacrifice. It’s a beautiful and life-giving journey–and it’s even better when you get to share it with someone else who’s pursuing the same high calling. You get to spur each other on in faith, helping each other get closer to God rather than drifting away. So doesn’t it make sense to choose someone to date who shares your desire to be more like Jesus?

What Are Some Other Dealbreakers?

Your values, goals, and personality all play a role in choosing who to date. That means everyone’s list of dealbreakers will look different. So consider what kind of person you want to date, and what factors might get in the way of a healthy long-term relationship. But avoid making the list too long. After all, differences aren’t always bad. In fact, they can be healthy.

God created you with a unique calling, personality, and passion. So what qualities and values in a future partner might complement and amplify those gifts from God?

Challenge: Consider some of your dealbreakers. They should reflect your deeply held values. But remember, keep the list short. This can help you focus on the most important things.

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:26-32, Galatians 2:11-14, Romans 12:17

Working Through Conflict

On Day 1 we talked about pressure that can be toxic to relationships. But sometimes pressure can be positive. When? Whenever it helps us become more like Jesus.

Dating relationships produce plenty of positive pressure. Think about it. You’re in a close and emotion-filled relationship with someone who is different from you. So you’ll have plenty of opportunities for growth in communication skills, humility, kindness, forgiveness, and servanthood.

Conflict might seem scary, but it can actually be healthy. How? Because conflict can help you learn more about the person you’re dating and it can reveal things that need to be addressed. Of course, we should set boundaries. If dating feels like a constant battle, then you may not be right for each other. But there’s no such thing as a conflict-free relationship. And that’s a good thing, because conflict can make us better.

This is not only true in dating relationships but in other friendships too. Consider the ministry friendship between Paul and Peter. In Galatians 2, we hear about Paul confronting Peter directly because he was unjustly neglecting certain people in the church community. Peter might have felt annoyed or embarrassed at first, but it made him better in the long run.

When you date someone, you’re choosing to be vulnerable. It means they’ll eventually see “the real you.” That can be scary, but it can also be life-giving, because your partner can help you see things about yourself that you weren’t seeing before—good things and areas to work on.

Remember, setting boundaries is important, and if you’re frequently experiencing significant conflict in your dating relationship, it’s probably a sign to seek guidance from trusted friends, and of course ask God for wisdom.

Conflict in dating relationships doesn’t have to be scary. So don’t hide from it. Instead, embrace a grace-filled approach to help you and your partner grow through it.

Challenge: Reflect on your feelings about conflict. How was conflict handled as you grew up? And how does that inform how you handle conflict today? Reflect on today’s verses to identify one way you can grow in grace-filled conflict resolution.

Scriptures: Matthew 5:1-12, Philippians 2:3, Colossians 3:12-17

How Do I Know They’re Marriage Material?

Maybe you’ve been dating for a while now, and you’re wondering, Is this the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with? Or maybe you’re not dating, but you want to be married and wonder what to look for.

Here are three helpful ways from Scripture to know if someone might be a good life partner.

1. Are they growing in humility?

A humble person is quick to admit when they’re wrong and always wants to grow. They show grace when you fall short, and forgive you when you get it wrong.

2. Do they care for others?

Do they regularly serve others, and give generously to people in need? If so, then they likely value sacrifice and compassion. It also means they’re not self-focused.

3. Are they becoming more like Jesus?

Think about them when you first met, or when you first started dating. Are they more like Jesus now than they were then? Are they gentler, kinder, and more confident? Do they have consistent habits that help them grow in faith, or are they working on developing those habits?

No one is perfect, but if you can answer these questions with a confident “yes,” then you might well have a keeper. But don’t let this list be your only source of wisdom. Talk with trusted friends and family members. Let them ask hard questions—and listen to their input.

Am I Marriage Material?

Now try reading the list again, but think about your own life. How would you answer those questions about yourself? Remember, we’re all a work in progress. But continually pursuing God’s help in developing these qualities in yourself is essential–not just in dating relationships, but for your whole life of following Jesus.

Dating relationships can bring both joy and pain. But when you ask God for help, seek wisdom from Scripture and other people, and prioritize following Jesus through it all, it helps uncover more of the joy.

Challenge: Read Matthew 5:1-12. Reflect on any words or ideas that stand out, confuse you, or inspire you. Then, read the passage one more time as you pray and ask the Holy Spirit to begin to reveal ways you can become the kind of person described in the passage. As you become more like Jesus, you’ll also discover more about the kind of person you might be interested in dating.