Godly Dating 101 Discovering the Truth About Relationships in a World That Constantly Lies

Scripture: Matthew 6:8

Godly Dating Is Preparation for Marriage

Maybe you feel you’ve been in “good” relationships that ended poorly, but I believe we often pray for something we never prepared for. Maybe you sought God diligently for a godly wife. You fasted for weeks, asking God to show you if this man was godly and “the one” for you. Despite our prayers, more goes into finding and being a godly spouse than simply praying for God to bring you someone perfect. With God, all things are possible, but some areas in our lives require maturation and personal growth.

Our culture often says that we are to find “the one,” and once this occurs, we will live happily ever after. Sadly, many have found godly partners, and instead of riding off into the sunset, they’ve ridden off to the courthouse for divorces. Why? They assumed that finding the “perfect” spouse was all that was necessary for the marriage to flourish. Unfortunately, the perfect spouse doesn’t exist; we all need God to work on us. If there were such a perfect spouse, they would likely not want us anyway because we aren’t perfect. The goal isn’t to find the perfect person but to become someone worth pursuing—someone desirable because of how you carry yourself. So instead of ending up in divorce court, we should end up on cloud nine with someone God approves of instead.

God sometimes places us through a process before He gets us to the promise. If we take a moment of introspection, we can find slaws, habits, mindsets, and insecurities that will harm the future we pray for. I believe we should fix certain things before the marriage relationship to avoid stunting the growth we could experience as a couple. Whenever I hear someone expressing their desire for marriage, it reminds me of something God said in Genesis 2:18: “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him” (KJV).

What an amazing reward from God. I have no problem with that verse. I mean, who am I to argue with God? My issue is that we often quote that verse but overlook what God instructed Adam to do before sending him that helper. We ask God for the promise, but we often neglect the process He required before attaining it. God wanted to bless Adam, but Adam wasn’t idle before God stepped in. Adam didn’t set up a hammock and lounge about eating mangoes all day—though that’s what I would’ve done in the garden of Eden, to be honest with you.

Genesis 2:15 says, “The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it.” Adam was given a mission before he was given a helper. God told Adam to maintain the garden. Not only was he told to watch over it, but he was given the opportunity to exercise dominion over everything that God created (Genesis 1:28). God gave Adam a purpose first and foremost. Adam was spending time with God and doing what God called him to do.

What I find fascinating is that we don’t see any verse where Adam asked God for a spouse. God saw that Adam needed company. So initially, God gave him animals to name. While Adam was saying which one would be the monkey and who was going to be the ostrich, God saw that Adam still didn’t have a helper suitable for him. That is when God blessed him with Eve. Interestingly, when God saw Adam doing what he was purposed to do, Adam didn’t have to request his spouse. God saw that need before Adam ever realized he was “alone.”

Of course, praying for a godly spouse is important because that would be a considerable benefit to your life. Still, God knows what you need before you even decide to pray (Matthew 6:8). Often, we ask God to send help before we start doing what God has created us to do. It’s not as if the moment you serve God, you will automatically meet your spouse, but I believe that many of us delay some blessings from God by simply not doing what He called us to do in our current season. Finding someone to marry is easy, but if we are to find the person God wants us to marry, we must be close to Him. We need to be close enough to see when He is saying yes or no regarding our choices. Close enough to know that we are in His will instead of following our changeable emotions. When we abide in His presence, we experience clarity instead of confusion. We can be sure the person we’re with is a blessing to our life rather than a distraction we chose out of loneliness or boredom.

I am of the persuasion that if you aren’t first doing what God has called you to do, you shouldn’t be pursuing a spouse. A little tough, but let me explain why. We’ve talked about how part of preparing for marriage is pursuing what God has called you to do. Why is this important? It helps us find our identity not in a human relationship but instead in God first. Certainly, pray for a godly man or woman to marry—but don’t let your pursuit of marriage become a distraction from your calling. While marriage is beautiful and teaches us so much, our purpose on earth is far greater than marriage itself. God designed us all to do something for Him (and others), which should always be our top priority.

Respond

What is God’s purpose for your life?

How is He blessing your obedience and preparing you for His gift of a spouse?

Prayer

I am so grateful that before I was born, Father, You had a plan and a purpose for my life. Thank You for desiring a relationship with me. Please show me the purpose You have for me. Help me to strive to become all that You have planned for me and prepare to love others the way You do. I trust You with my life and with my future spouse. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Scripture: Matthew 7:24-25

A Foundation for True Love

I (Safa) love to build things. I find it therapeutic. I love putting things together and seeing the stability that comes from random pieces forming one unit that can hold the weight of whatever I want to place on top of it.

When it comes to dating, many of us have been enticed by the beauty of someone on our arms. It feels good to have the “arm candy” or a “knight in shining armor” who we want to bring out in public with us. We enjoy getting our “likes” on social media with this amazing person. We want to show everyone a man or woman we can start a future with—build generational wealth, raise a family, travel the world, and enjoy one another’s company. In our pursuit of these things, many have overlooked the most important aspect of a person: the foundation. We’ve found ourselves creating relationships that God isn’t a part of and then trying to add Him to the picture later. In Matthew 7:24–25, Jesus said, “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.” His teaching shows us that problems arise in all of our lives, but those who have Him as their foundation can endure hard times. Starting relationships with a foundation of lust never truly helps us have the relationship God intended for us.

Many believe most marriages end in divorce because people “fall out of love.” I don’t believe that’s always the case. Perhaps some relationships didn’t become bad or lose love along the way, but their foundations were broken from the outset. The starting point showed them many red flags of spiritual instability, but they decided to overlook them and hope they would fade away. Unfortunately, red flags don’t change colors over time alone. Unresolved, unaddressed problems from the outset will turn into the very things that cause the building we are forming to deteriorate. We must ensure that we build a solid foundation in the relationships we create, because our connections are destined for failure if we are building on faulty ground.

In Philippians 4:1, we see Paul admonishing the church to stand firm in their faith. Paul knew it wasn’t enough to say we love God, but we had to be rooted in Christ. Spiritual instability has become an epidemic, because it has become more popular to call ourselves Christian than to actually follow Christ. Paul had to correct the church in Galatia because they were led astray by the wrong influences (Galatians 1:6–10). He told them that anyone who would come and teach them a new gospel that didn’t save them would be accursed, even if the message came from an angel. The church must know that some may seem to benefit our lives, but their motives aren’t pure. In the same way, in some relationships, the person you’re attracted to may seem like an angel, but their purpose is to stop you from being rooted in Christ.

Before Safa and I (Tovares) began courting, we were friends for a few years. When I began seeking God regarding a spouse, I ran into plenty of women I didn’t get God’s approval. I knew I had to find a woman who offered more than her beauty, because looks aren’t enough to help us reach our purpose. Safa and I tried to date a couple of years after high school, but it didn’t go as planned. I ended it in an immature manner, and it’s only by God’s grace that we were able to remain friends. Thankfully, God protected her from my immaturity. A few years later, I began praying for God’s direction because I knew Safa was the woman who didn’t simply capture my eyes but had a solid walk with Jesus outside of me. I knew I desired a relationship with her because she was the woman who could show me an image of what Proverbs 31 describes.

Proverbs 31 speaks about a woman who is of noble character, is a hard worker in her home and community, is generous, is loving, and fears the Lord. Before I met my wife, beauty was all I believed necessary to have a healthy and holy marriage, but the Bible and my wife have shown me that who you connect to truly matters. Being equally yoked allows you to have a spouse who helps you face any storm and trust in God no matter the season.

I often wrongly thought I could overlook that someone I was dating wasn’t firm in their spiritual life. They’d be my “project,” and I’d help guide them and develop them into someone who served Jesus. I have overlooked character flaws because I thought they’d plan to develop a walk with Jesus later, but people are not our projects. They must desire to know Jesus for themselves, not so they can be with you.

When laying the foundation of your relationship, you both must have a foundation that is rooted in Christ. If Jesus is the foundation only on Sundays, you can expect a marriage that only considers God when it’s convenient or when you’re around other believers. Suppose Jesus is truly both of your hearts’ desires, though. In that case, you can expect a marriage that helps both of you serve Him. A marriage with the right foundation allows for a relationship with a biblical focus—a kingdom mindset.

Respond

Is your foundation rooted in Jesus? Explain.

Describe how you keep the relationship God has given you firmly on that foundation.

Prayer

Lord Jesus, You are the foundation of my life. Everything I do, everything I have, and everything I will ever have come from Your goodness. I want to know You more. I want to love You deeper. I want the relationships in my life to reflect my relationship with You! In Jesus’ name.

Scripture: Ephesians 5:31

The Truth About Sex

I remember growing up and not knowing much about how to navigate a sex-driven world. I wanted to honor God, but sin was both permissible and celebrated. Almost every TV show is hypersexualized, presenting things to us that make perversion seem normal. Most of what I learned about sex came from my surrounding culture. I always heard the guys say they were trying to get a girl for the night. Marriage wasn’t celebrated in my neighborhood. Unfortunately, many of them bought the lie that sex was an activity, not something holy, that we should value. God always intended us to view sex as a gift for married couples, but society has trained us to think that it is something we do with whoever we are dating or whoever we meet on an app. So many of us think sex is something we do because we are “grown,” and for the person who complimented us without commitment, but we ignore that God designed it for the marriage bed.

The body of Christ hasn’t always done a great job approaching this topic with the younger generation. I believe a major problem the church has wrestled with is how to properly address sex in a healthy and realistic manner. We can’t yell, “No sex!” in someone’s ear for years, then see them after their honeymoon and assume they felt okay embracing the sexuality God gave them. We must adopt a more godly approach to this. Sex outside of marriage is ravaging our churches, especially our young adults. Many marriages in the church have failed due to infidelity. Many young people have turned away from Jesus because of sex outside marriage. Let’s keep it real for a moment: many dating relationships should have ended ages ago, but people stay and hope for the best simply because the sex is great. Sex is impacting our world more than we may want to admit.

I have realized over the years that to learn a subject properly, we need to have the right teachers. When we allow our unsaved friends at school or work to be our guides for sex, we end up in bed with people we never committed to or simply having sex with because “everyone else is doing it.” Obviously, the world is very opinionated, but cultural opinions have become the “truth” for today’s generation. Most of what our youth learn isn’t coming from the Bible or solid, biblical leadership. We must become proactive as believers in changing that narrative because who we allow teaching our children will either point them toward Christ or toward another relationship that leaves them feeling empty. It’s time for the church to speak up and shed light on what the Word of God says.

Genesis 1:28 says, “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth” (KJV). God decided to create humanity and immediately tell them to reproduce. Sex isn’t something the Enemy formulated to give to us, but God was the One who, in His wisdom, decided to allow us to enjoy that experience. Sex was never our issue, but what we learned about it has taken us in the wrong direction. Since God is the Creator of sex, it is good, like everything He created. Our world, and the church, too, may have an ungodly view of sex, but it is a beautiful thing in His eyes. God has always had a good intention for sex: to physically, emotionally, and spiritually join man and wife together.

When God created sex, He wanted us to experience unity in its deepest form. God said the “two shall become one” when He spoke of sex (Mark 10:8 ESV). In the Bible, a marriage became validated once it was consummated through sex. God recognizes a spiritual covenant once there is sex. I know the idea of the soul-tie isn’t necessarily a biblical concept, but we must process that when God created sex, He intended it to tie your soul together with your spouse’s. We must be careful not to “become one” with someone we aren’t married to. You may break up, but God still recognizes the “marriage” you created.

When Paul spoke of being “united” to our spouse in Ephesians 5:31–32, he meant more than living together. God’s plan for marriage was for the married couple to adhere to one another like glue. The holy act of sex would consummate their union and bond them in a way that should only be separated by death. There is no point at which we are closer to an individual than when having sex. To think that we can separate sex from the covenant is not only unwise but impossible. Sex will connect us on a deeper level, and when we take a casual approach to it, we miss out on the blessings God desires us to have. This is why we see the Enemy attacking so many marriages.

When we are wondering how to navigate sex, the best place to look is to understand what the Creator of it says—check the “manual” for what the Word of God says so we won’t harm ourselves or others. Just like a fire can do more harm than good, sex outside God’s marriage design will do more harm than good, but when done correctly, it is pleasurable to the Creator and the married couple.

Respond

How has your concept of the purpose of sex changed from your teen years?

Describe your concept of the marriage bed today.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, You created man and woman and created our bodies for your glory! As the world has changed, so has culture’s understanding of the marriage bed. Please, help me keep the marriage relationship sacred and love my spouse with the love You created. Help us live together as one honoring You in our lives. Teach me to hold to a godly perspective of sex no matter what society does. In Jesus’ name.

Scripture: Psalms 119:125

Godsent or Counterfeit?

As much as I would love to believe that everyone in the church loves Jesus, I would be fooling myself into thinking that.

I’ve learned it’s not enough to take the label and leave the lifestyle. It’s possible to appear spiritual but have our hearts be anything but rooted in the Word of God.

A man may preach the greatest sermon, but his life outside the pulpit may be abusive. A woman may have the most modest wardrobe and speak fluent King James Version, but her flattering words can lead straight to hell (Proverbs 5:3–5). If we are honest, that may have been some of us before God began to cleanse and sanctify us. Because God is aiming to change who we are, not just how we look.

It is possible for someone to attend church but not truly live for Christ. I know it’s possible because that used to be me. Someone may attend every service. They might be a part of a small group. They may even pay a tithe from every paycheck! Nevertheless, they could be doing all those things for show, not because of a genuine love for Jesus. There can be significant differences between those who attend church and those actually living for Christ.

The people we see in the church may or may not be saved, so you shouldn’t be dating or marrying just anyone from church. You aren’t compatible with everyone just because they are believers, and everyone in the house of God isn’t living a life that honors Christ. There have been times in my life when I know I was guilty of being faithful to the building but not to His Word. That led to me becoming a negative influence on women as well.

When I think of people who are in church but aren’t in a relationship with Jesus, I think of Judas. Judas walked with Jesus daily and wasn’t fully converted. He saw things that many of us haven’t—the healings, the demons being cast out, the feeding of thousands, walking on water, lives being free from darkness, and more. After seeing all those things, his heart still chose money over Jesus. He betrayed the Son of God for temporary gain.

If Judas could miss the mark, I know the same can happen to us. That’s why we don’t pursue a spouse based on their church attendance but on their lifestyle. Neither should we think we please God because of how often we pop up for Sunday school. Jesus said if we love Him, we will obey His Word (John 14:15). Our obedience to God and love for others will determine if we are following Jesus or simply attending service.

Many of us would like to date someone in church and assume that things couldn’t go bad or lead to sin. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. It is very easy to undergo a lot of emotional abuse and frustration, even from someone who is in church. They may even serve in ministry and still not have the type of character and spiritual fruit that God desires us, believers, to produce. Settling for someone who doesn’t have that same desire to live for God won’t lead to a fulfilling marriage as God intends.

We want you to be able to spot some differences between a man or a woman who looks the part and the one who can help you grow into who God destined you to be. The one you can find a relationship with that doesn’t lead straight to sex but leads to marriage first. Someone who will help you stay in the will of God instead of distracting you from Him. Someone who is exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit in their lives. Many of us don’t realize the difference between someone godly and someone who calls themselves a believer. We know someone is godly not because of their words but because we see them exhibiting love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in their actions.

Solomon warns us not to consent if someone aims to lead us into sin (Proverbs 1:10). If you give the devil an inch in your life, he will take a mile. Discernment is key because we want God to show us who aims to invest in us and who will take from us. Remember, boyfriends and girlfriends don’t get spouse privileges.

When God is behind a decision, He will always give us His peace. Some decisions in life always seem scary initially, whether starting a new job, switching schools, or beginning a relationship. But when you’re walking in God’s will and building your walk with Him, He will guide your steps. As He guides us, we know that He wants to bless us. The Bible says that God won’t withhold a good thing from us as we walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11). That’s proof that He won’t send a relationship that brings confusion.

Remember that the next time you question whether God desires someone in your life. It’s not that a godly relationship won’t experience problems, but it shouldn’t have you wrestling daily with uncertainty. You should have peace knowing that this relationship is honoring God—peace knowing that in moments of weakness, God blessed you with someone who can pray for you rather than prey on you. You’ll have peace knowing that if you have a family together, you have someone who can teach your children the truth about God and His Word.

We have to be careful not to allow our desires to become our guide because it’s always better to follow His will instead of our emotions. That will help us distinguish between what is Godsent and what is counterfeit.

Respond

Share a “counterfeit” experience in your life.

Discuss a Godsent relationship.

Prayer

Lord, some days it’s hard not to be fooled by someone we thought you were sending. Many pose as people they aren’t, but I thank you for your discernment. As I stay close to you, I know you’ll lead me to the right people and protect me from the wrong environments. Help me trust Your plan and timing as I seek to build a godly relationship. In Jesus’ name.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:31

Connected for Purpose

Dating has become a very popular pastime in today’s generation. Many people date not because they believe it’s what God desires for their future but simply out of boredom—they need something to do. Marriage isn’t the goal in mind; it just seems as though they should be dating. Pregnancy isn’t the goal, but they are in bed together. A future together isn’t what they’re praying for; they just don’t like being alone.

Two of the most important decisions we will ever make on this earth are surrendering our lives to Jesus and choosing the person to marry. When we started to take eternity seriously, many of us became born again (John 3:5). We started allowing God to free us from various sins and issues we used to wrestle with. Still, I think we often take our relationships lightly, as if they are meaningless. Is that what God intended?

Every person you meet serves a purpose in some way. They take you in some direction. Unfortunately, it’s not easy to tell why certain people are in our lives. Society has always encouraged us to find that picture-perfect person to date—someone who meets all our physical expectations and helps us make the most beautiful children. There’s so much more to dating: we need to approach it with our destination in mind. We need a relationship rooted in purpose.

Can I (Tovares) be honest? There was a time when I felt like a loser because I was single. It’s not that singleness is a curse; I found it to be a blessing. My problem was that all my boys used to make fun of me because they were sleeping around, and I wasn’t. It caused some insecurities that I couldn’t shake for some time. I started aiming for relationships for two reasons: I wouldn’t get made fun of and could have fun without marriage in view.

Whatever the reason you desire marriage, you ought to have someone who can add to your life. Remember, God looked at Adam and realized he needed a helper (Genesis 2). Many problems arise when we find someone who isn’t actively helping us become who God called us to be. A counterfeit may bring happiness for a moment, but your relationship will bring you closer to God and true joy when God is the One who sends someone.

When it comes to dating, if we don’t consider why we’re connecting with someone, we are destined to end up in the arms of someone God didn’t send. Not because we are foolish or don’t love God, but because our emotions can’t lead us the way only God can.

Remember, if you are like I was and charmed by looks, Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” That goes equally for both men and women. If all someone sees in you is your beauty, you can be sure that the love will fade as the beauty fades. A relationship built on emotions cannot stand through trials and temptations, but someone who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

When I (Safa) was studying in college, those were some of the most tedious moments of my life. I felt I had to study biomedical science while others could slack off because of my difficult major. When everyone was watching movies or at every sporting event, I would be catching up on my homework. I knew that to excel, I would have to stay focused on my grades more than anything else.

As much as I am embarrassed to admit it, there were many times I would study to pass the test rather than to understand the material. After graduation, you’re expected to apply the information you just learned, especially if you’re in a field like medicine or engineering, but you won’t be able to do that if you mishandle your season of learning.

We often forget about the true purpose of marriage, which explains why we mishandle the season of singleness. I aimed to be intentional during my single season when I was single. There were many opportunities to date, but I focused more on growing spiritually before a relationship, discovering my calling, ensuring I took my college education seriously and spending time connecting with friends. I desired not to waste my singleness or think my life’s purpose began after “I do.” Remember, the main focus of marriage should always be giving glory to God, not discovering yourself. It should be a union built on purpose instead of feelings.

First Corinthians 10:31 says, “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” When we focus on bringing glory to God, we won’t settle for what’s convenient. If you are single in today’s culture, I know it can be somewhat exhausting. You’re probably feeling left out. Everyone appears to be in a relationship. Even your neighbor’s pet dog gets attention while you’re alone. When you know your worth, settling isn’t an option. When you know that your mindset is pleasing God, that will surely narrow your options away from those who are simply seeking fun. When we keep a kingdom mindset, we choose not to settle for someone who catches our eye, but we desire the type of relationship that builds our spirit and helps us get closer to our purpose. Our main goal must be purpose, not passion.

We desire for you to pursue Christ above all. Being married is amazing, but it won’t fulfill us if we aren’t in alignment with what God desires for us. As you pursue His will, don’t allow culture or emotions to rush you off course.

Respond

Are you married or in a Godsent relationship? Tell God’s story of your relationship.

If you are in a season of singleness, describe your relationship with God as you look to Him to lead you to the person He designed for you.

Prayer

Precious Father, I trust You with every aspect of my life. I know the plan You have for me is perfect, and I long to live every day in the middle of Your will. Prepare me for the places and, most especially, the people you have for me. May Your name be glorified!