Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Proverbs 18:24, Proverbs 18:22, Proverbs 17:17

COMPANIONSHIP

The bible clearly declares that finding a wife is a good thing. That whoever (insert husband here) “findeth” her “obtaineth favour.” This word favour in this context means pleasure, delight, and acceptance! What great words for a relationship. Especially when referring to marriage. I believe that God wants every marriage to operate in this “favour.” I would even venture to say that God wants our marriages to be great because He is great.

Companionship, our first pillar, is based on the importance of being a friend. One of the necessary ingredients that Sh’nai and I have learned to be vital to a dynamic marriage. Our definition of companionship is “Using play and camaraderie to fortify an intimate alliance.” Remember when you were young? When everybody was “my friend” and companionship or camaraderie was the only thing that mattered? Most of us lived for that time when we got to go outside and play. The energy and excitement that we felt and the disappointment that followed when it was time to “go inside.” Then we would do it all over again the next day.

This is the same excitement and energy that our marriage deserves. Why? Because companionship creates relationship, connection, and a powerful and sustainable friendship. What do you get when you have all of these together? We call it “Lovership.” Lovership is intimate. Lovership is vulnerable. Lovership is motivated. It’s the application of working and growing together. The lessons and victories that are experienced together. This is what companionship, when done intentionally can create in your marriage. When this happens, there is an everlasting supernatural bond that exists.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 talks about the value of two. When a non-believer or another Christian couple who may be struggling in their marriage sees you and how God has anointed your relationship and your marriage, they are going to say: “That’s not fair!” Then they’re going to walk up to you and say “How did you get your marriage…you look so happy!” And you will be able to say thanks to God, we learned how to be companions. Here are some tips to develop life-long companionship in your marriage:

1. Prioritize Quality Time: Set aside dedicated time each day to connect with your spouse without distractions. Date regularly (We date at least twice a month and most times weekly). It’s not about the money, it’s about the intention and the time spent. Turn off those Smartphones!!
2. Support Each Other: Be each other’s biggest cheerleader and support system through both triumphs and challenges. This is the foundation of Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10.
3. Cultivate Shared Interests: Find activities or hobbies that you both enjoy and engage in them regularly together. Find a puzzle or board game. Go for a walk. It all builds intimacy.

In all of these things, don’t forget to invite God, through Holy Spirit into your relationship with each other. Ask Him for wisdom and enjoy growing in your companionship. Join us on day two as we discuss the importance of Communication in your marriage.

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:29, Ephesians 4:26-28

COMMUNICATION

Some communication is easier than others. When Sh’nai and I were dating, it was easy for me to tell her how attracted I was to her (using other descriptive words) and my lofty plans for our lives. We both were excited about the future. Then life showed up! We got married, situations appeared, bills needed to be paid and emotions showed up that we were not used to dealing with. Instantly, communication became a HUGE issue for us.

Why am I sharing this with you? We want you to know that you’re not alone. So many marriages struggle with “effective” communication. According to The Gottman Institute, a world-renowned authority on marriage and relationship dynamics, “Communication is one of the most important aspects of a marriage. Silence can be destructive, whereas communication builds respect and tolerance.” (Gottman, 2024) I believe one of the most important words here is “tolerance.”

Here is our definition of Communication: “Hearing the heart of your spouse!”-Pastor Tai & Dr. Sh’nai

Ephesians 4: 26-29 gives us a framework for what God expects from us in all of our relationships. I believe it is exponentially more important in marriages because our partner is the very one who has the most ability to hurt us. Who knows better than your spouse what your quirks and inadequacies are? That “push the button” word or phrase? Paul, in his wisdom, gives us instructions on how to handle this. Verse 4:26 says: “Be angry and sin not…!” (KJV) What? does that bible really say that? Absolutely! If you continue to read through verse 29, you see that there are very good reasons why this is important. To not give the devil your enemy an opening into your marriage and to not say something that you ultimately cannot take back because your emotions have gotten the best of you. How many times has that happened?

We tried the not going to sleep until you worked it out approach. That didn’t work for us! So, we agreed to disagree and/or handle the matter later. Guess what? When we went back to revisit the issue, most of the time we couldn’t remember or it just did not have the same significance. Why? Well, it is a proven statistic (Gottman) that 69% of marriage issues are not solvable…So what do you do?

Tips for Communication:

1. Practice Active Listening: Truly listen to your spouse without interrupting or formulating your response while they speak. Ask God for wisdom and a spiritual ear and aim to understand your spouse.
2. Be Honest and Transparent: Communicate openly and honestly, expressing your thoughts and feelings with kindness and respect.
3. Resolve Conflict Gracefully: Approach conflicts with a spirit of humility, seeking reconciliation and understanding rather than aiming to win arguments.

Join us on day three as we discuss the importance of Investment in your marriage.

Scriptures: Amos 3:3, Genesis 8:22, Proverbs 13:22, Deuteronomy 24:5

INVESTMENT

Investment: The “Deposit of your intimate resources for the success of your marriage.” –Pastor Tai & Dr. Sh’nai.

This key pillar is based on understanding the power of the principles of God’s unfailing Word and the intentionality that is necessary for your marriage to succeed.

When I counsel married men, one of the questions they ask me is “What do you do to sustain a happy marriage? How do I keep my wife satisfied and it seems like it’s never enough?” I know. That was two questions and a statement! That’s usually how it comes. Here is what I tell them. “You can’t get it done in three or four days a year. It takes more than your anniversary, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s or Father’s Day, and birthdays to make lasting investments in your marriage.

In Genesis 8:22, we see that God says that there will always be seedtime and harvest. So, from the beginning, we see that God was laying the foundation for what we should do in our marriage. Investment is an ongoing and necessary part of a strong healthy marriage. What should I invest you ask? You should invest your TIME, MONEY & ENERGY.

Your TIME investment in your marriage helps grow your connection and intimacy. Praying with and for each other. Just being there in each other’s space. Pack up a lunch and go on an intimate picnic in the park. These are good deposits. According to Malcolm Gladwell’s “10,000 rule” In order to master anything, you must invest a minimum of 10,000 hours of deliberate practice.” Nothing that you are unwilling to invest in will you ever get better at. Interestingly enough in Deut 24: 5, we once again see the Word of God reinforcing this pillar as it instructs a newly married man to be free an entire year to do nothing but bring happiness to his wife. 10,000 hours. That’s just over a year!

Your MONEY…Well, this is probably the most obvious. How you do it makes all of the difference. Using your financial resources to create memories is a great way to make meaningful deposits into your marriage. Planning time away together. Buying well-thought-out small tokens of your appreciation for each other is also great. Building a legacy together is also a beautiful way to create a connection. According to the Word of God in Proverbs 13:22, your plans should be setting up your children’s children. Be intentional about planning. Also, finding ways to be thoughtful all year round creates positive equity in your relationship. It’s not about the amount, it’s about the thought.

ENERGY. It all takes energy. Another word is sacrifice. There are some things that you might want to do or that your spouse may want to do at a particular time. Sacrificing means that you give up what “you” want to do and you compromise so that you both are happy. Take turns getting your way and make sure that the enemy doesn’t have any room to creep into your relationship and turn something that should have been fun into a bad experience. Find ways to be thoughtful. When you are out, look for ways to bless your spouse. What is their favorite snack or drink? Does your spouse like flowers? Teddy Bears? A card? What about leaving a thoughtful note on the bed on your way out to work or sending a loving text message or video?

Again, what you sow you will reap! Is your marriage worth the investment? It absolutely is! If you embrace this pillar and put in the work, your marriage will be well on its way to being dynamic. Our next pillar is Love. Join us on day four as we discuss the importance of Love in your marriage.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 13:3-8, 1 Peter 4:8, Matthew 6:15, Matthew 6:14, Ephesians 4:31-32

LOVE

“Love, a word that comes and goes. But few people really know what it means to really love somebody…”

These are lyrics to one of my favorite artist’s songs, Kirk Franklin. The title of the song: “Love.” Back in 1997, Mr. Franklin knew something that so many of our marriages have a distorted understanding and meaning about. Our understanding of the word love is defined by our experiences growing up. How we were treated by our family and friends followed by the phrase “I love you” or “I’m doing this because I love you.” Or. after being abused, neglected, and/or devalued and then having that experience followed by “You know I love you, right? These events and often painful experiences help us define “love.” Then we get married.

Two people with different experiences come together and do their best to communicate their understanding of what Love is. As believers, we bring our hurts and pains to God and ask Him to heal us from the painful experiences that we’ve had. God wants us to be healed from the pain, rejection, and unmet needs. He wants our marriages whole and healthy. Love is what makes it all work. Love is the engine.

1 Corinthians 13: 3-8, written by the Apostle Paul, gives us the framework for what God says love is. Once you read these verses, you now know what God expects us to pursue as the standard for our marriages. Not our definition of Love based on our filters. God’s definition. From God’s definition we came up with ours: “The pursuit of conscious and active attention to your spouse’s needs.” –Pastor Tai & Dr. Sh’nai

In 1 Pet 4:8, God instructs us to love deep, because it “covers a multitude of sins. When you read this verse along with the verses in 1 Cor, you understand that in order to love like God says, it has to come from a place deep in your spirit that only God can help you reach. So how do you get there?

These three tips will help you work on your love according to the Word:

1. Shorten your memory of each other’s wrongs.
2. Forgive, then heal. Forgiveness is a command from God, healing takes time and courage.
3. Learn how to love each other. This is where the first three pillars become so valuable and interconnected to this pillar. Your love for each other is the catalyst for companionship, communication, and investment.

Working on dying to yourself in order to become a dynamic couple takes sacrifice, humility, and trust in God. Are you up to the challenge? I believe you can! In our final pillar Faith, we bring it all together.

Scriptures: Hebrews 11:1-3, Hebrews 11:6, James 2:17-24

FAITH

So what does faith in your marriage look like? Here is our definition: “ Expanding the unwavering belief that your marriage will be what God purposed it to be.” –Pastor Tai & Dr. Sh’nai.

In Hebrews 11: 1-3 we get another perspective from God’s Word. None of our marriages start off where God ordained it to be. It’s our trust and belief in Him that “this is not for nothing,” that helps us move to the destination. Verse 6 puts a stamp on the importance of faith. Without it, we cannot please God!

Your marriage needs your faith! Faith that it will work and that you will work the other four pillars, Companionship, Communication, Investment, and Love. James chapter 2 beginning at the 17th verse helps us understand that our faith is a verb. You must work it to improve your marriage. Here’s how:

• Your love for each other will activate your faith. Remember love is “The pursuit of conscious and active attention to your spouse’s needs.” When you are operating in Love there is an investment that is required.
• Your investment in your marriage is the “Deposit of your intimate resources for the success of your marriage.” How you communicate your investment will tell your spouse how much your marriage and your relationship means.
• Communication is “Hearing the heart of your spouse!” When it’s not all about you and your needs, you win too because you are listening to yourself when you listen to your spouse. What benefits from your communication? Your companionship!
• Who would not want to be closer to and feel closer to someone who walks out their faith with them, with love, all while investing in communication that creates a strong bond?
• Remember our definition of companionship? “Using play and camaraderie to fortify an intimate alliance.” Your companionship feels so much better when all of these pillars are being worked on and are growing.

Start using these five pillars. You will not recognize yourself or your marriage. Then when those who know you see the growth and the energy that you two share. How God has knitted you together and how you complement each other. They will look at you both and say: “Now that’s a dynamic Christian couple!”