Remember back in the day when you’d make a mixtape for your crush & hope they’d pick up on the subliminal messages in the lyrics? Like, “Secretly, I’m in love with you & hope this Blink182 song communicates my affection.” Then you break up & make a new mixtape of sad songs to cry to. But what if God has a mixtape for us that could heal our broken hearts?
Fearless.Co
Day 1
Scripture: Isaiah 61:1-3
Broken Heart Surgery
It was almost one in the morning, and I was on my way home from a camping trip in Zion National Park with two friends over Thanksgiving weekend. We arrived at our campsite on Thanksgiving Day and discovered a feast of turkey, mashed potatoes, and all the fixin’s awaiting us at the lodge near our campgrounds. After a few days of hiking miles of rigorous terrain, making coffee over the fire, and eating our body weight in beef jerky, all I could think about was taking a hot shower and curling up in my cozy bed.
I was desperately trying to stay awake when I felt God prompt me to pray. My heart was so full from my time spent in nature, laughing with my friends and indulging in the simple pleasures camping provides. It was the happiest I’d felt in a long time, and I didn’t want that joy ever to leave me again. Four months prior, I had broken up with someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I imagined this man building me a house in the middle of an open field surrounded by pine trees and being the father of the children I always dreamed of. I believed God had brought us together, and I didn’t understand how something so beautiful could end instantly. How could someone promise me the world and, in the next breath, walk out my door without saying goodbye? I didn’t have answers, but during the months following our breakup, I began to seek healing in the presence of God. Though it felt like an eternity, God quickly comforted my heart and took me through a healing journey I hope to share with you.
As I began to continue praying in the car, a scripture billowed up in my heart:
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…” (Isaiah 61:1).
I heard the voice of God in my heart say, “Esther, I have called you to bring healing to those tormented with a broken heart.” As clear as day, I began to see a picture in my mind of a wound being wrapped with ointment and gauze to protect it from infection and provide a safe environment for it to heal. During our hiking escapades in Zion, I managed to bang my hand against a giant boulder exposing a wound on my finger that was still healing. I immediately tried to cover the wound with a Band-Aid from our first-aid kit, but it was too small, wouldn’t wrap around my finger, and kept flying off. After several replacements of the same Band-Aid type, I’d finally bugged Jackie (the keeper of the first aid kit) enough to have her yell, “Girl, get yourself a Band-Aid that actually works!” So I dug through the box, and low-and-behold found the motherload of gauze and Band-Aids big enough to do the job. I wrapped that baby up and didn’t have to touch it again until a few weeks later, when my wound was completely healed.
That might be a cheesy story, but I believe it’s a picture God wants to give you about your broken heart. You may have experienced things that have re-opened your wound, one you thought was healed. You may have lost a friendship, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or are grieving the loss of a miscarriage or family member. Whatever the wound may be, I want you to know that Jesus wants to wrap your heart in His presence. He wants to remove your wounded heart from environments that threaten more harmful infections. He longs to comfort and care for your broken heart and make it whole again. It might not be instant, but it will be worth the journey back to wholeness. Are you ready?
Day 2
Scripture: Psalms 126:5-6
Sit With Your Pain
I’m a runner. Not as in the ‘working out to stay fit’ kind of running. I mean the kind who bolts at any sign of potential pain. I’m a tough girl when it comes to anything else in life, and I have the scars to prove it. Giant 10-foot waves have pummeled me; I’ve fallen out of trees, cartwheeled down snowy hills, and had an unsolicited staring contest with a black bear that prompted me to write my eulogy shortly after that. I’m no stranger to fear, but emotional and relational pain is not on my bucket list.
After my break-up, I started going to therapy, and one day my therapist said, “Esther, you know this is going to take time. You’re not going to be able to run from this one. You can’t rush this process. You need to sit with your pain, but you don’t have to sit alone. God wants to sit with you.” I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted her to give me the three steps to expediting the healing process and, I don’t know, maybe some magic essential oils that had psychedelic powers to erase the memory of the last year of my life. But she didn’t. She gave me the hard truth.
When I got home later that day, I went for a walk along the beach and stopped to sit at a lifeguard tower to watch the sunset. I recalled the moments my ex and I shared on that tower just a year prior and the dreams I held in my heart of our future together. Now all that was left was a cold and barren uncertainty. As tears rained from my eyes, I whispered a prayer, “God, I need you. My heart hurts so much. Show me how to trust you.” I opened the Bible I’d brought with me and wrote down a verse in my journal,
“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” (Psalm 126:5-6).
I had to be honest with Jesus. I was tired of sowing in tears. It’s been years and years of disappointment after disappointment. The number of tears I’ve shed over broken hearts could fill the entire ocean, yet here I was again, with more tears dropping into my ocean of heartache.“Where’s my song of joy,” I demanded, waiting for God to reply. No answer came, but a whisper of hope breathed through, “I’m doing more than you know.” It was hard to believe Him, but I nodded, bowed my head, and praised Him for what He was doing even when I couldn’t see it, even when all I could feel was pain.
Here’s the revelation I got from that verse: if we’re going to get a harvest of joy, we have to do some sowing of tears. We have to face the pain, be honest with God, allow Him to show us His goodness in the midst of our disappointment, let go of the anger we’ve harbored, and rest in His healing presence as we stay still. It’s tempting to want to run from one relationship to another or block the painful experience out of our minds and move on with our lives, but eventually, we will have to face it. If not now, five years from now. A broken heart will eventually be re-exposed until the true Healer can make us whole again.
Are you a runner too? Have you been busying yourself to avoid the pain haunting you? What might God be saying to you as an invitation to start your healing journey? Perhaps He desires to clear your schedule, go on a walk, spend time with your family, and give your heart a break from trying to be ‘okay.’ If you were sitting on that lifeguard tower with your journal, what honest thoughts might you write down? What might God be saying in response?
Day 3
Scripture: Psalms 13:1-6
Don’t Just Go Through It, Grow Through It
When I lived in Miami, my pastor used to say, “Don’t just go through it; grow through it.” He highlighted the common survival mindset of just getting by and passing through challenging circumstances and missing the opportunity to be refined in the process. Let’s be honest; no one gets excited about being humbled, disappointed, or heartbroken. When faced with one of these circumstances, we tend to numb out and rush to move on without reflecting on the situation to grow from it.
Hear me out; I’m not saying bad things happen to you so that God can teach you something. That kind of theology makes me want to hurl. We have a good Father who longs for us to live in wholeness. But just like any good father, He allows us to find our strength and grow so we can live out our full potential.
Many of us who experience heartbreak avoid taking a hard look in the mirror because we’re afraid of what we might see. We’re afraid our fear of not being good enough will be confirmed. We’re afraid God isn’t going to come through for us. We’re afraid we won’t get the thing we desire because we believe we’re undeserving, so we eagerly strive to protect our hearts from ever being known. These fears aren’t helping us at all. They will continue to lead us down a path of perpetual heartache if we don’t stop learning from our journey.
How do we grow through these painful experiences without feeling like our world is spinning out of control? I’ve found extreme growth in reflecting on what caused me pain and asking myself a series of questions. If it was a breakup, I ask myself what I could have done better in the relationship to have shown that person love. I ask myself if I felt safe in the relationship. I ask God if I ignored His guidance at any point and to teach me to listen to His voice better. I reflect on how the person treated me and if it aligned with how a man should value and honor me. We tend to romanticize a person after a breakup because we miss how they made us feel, but an important thing to do is remind yourself of the little things you may have ignored in the relationship. Those little red flags build up over time until they reveal a chasm of differences. I celebrate the beauty of what we had and then remind myself of the reasons why I knew it needed to end. Then I promised myself not to repeat a pattern of attraction to those toxic traits that caused the relationship to end.
If it was a disappointment in another area, I take time to be honest with God and ask Him what He’s doing. Sometimes He reminds me there isn’t always an answer. Sometimes He leads me to take time to have fun with my friends. Sometimes, the ‘lesson’ isn’t a life-changing revelation. Sometimes it’s a gentle reminder of the witness of God-confidence that He is present even in our darkest hour. Psalm 13:1-2 comforts me to know I’m not the only one who can get dramatic with God. David is crying out and says,
“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?”
Ok, I can get down with a passage like that. David is letting God have it! But He doesn’t stop there. He continues in an astonishing turn of emotion. David says,
“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” (Psalm 13:5-6)
Wow. David recognized that while he was all up in his feelings, his circumstances didn’t diminish God’s goodness.
I think we can all relate to David and use these verses as a template for growing through difficult times. What questions might you ask yourself to reflect and grow from your journey? Don’t ask yourself what you can ‘learn’ from your pain, but how is God revealing His withness? How can you know yourself and allow your heart to be known as you heal?
Day 4
Scripture: 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
The Prize is His Presence
I recently had a conversation with a friend who has gone through some of the most traumatic life experiences you could ever endure, all packed into a decade throughout her twenties. From almost losing her mom to cancer to her son being diagnosed with a terminal disease to a miscarriage and told she would never give birth to being diagnosed with a genetic code mutation. I mean, the list goes on. Ten years later, she’s caked in baby puke from her one-year-old twins, healthy and living the life she always dreamed of. How did these miracles happen? How did she go from being dealt impossible cards to basking in blessings? When I asked, she said something that shifted my outlook, “I stopped demanding God come through for me and started enjoying His presence as the prize.”
For years people would shame her for not having enough faith. That shame haunted her prayers as she eagerly sought God to bless her with a baby. She memorized all the scriptures, made daily declarations, and was confident with all her being that God could do a miracle. So why didn’t He? She said things shifted when she realized she was missing out on the precious life right in front of her and the beautiful children she had adopted from West Africa while she wished she had something that was outside her control. When she finally gave up ‘trying to have faith’ and accepted the gift of life in front of her, she found immeasurable joy in the blessings she already had. Her faith now rested in God’s goodness rather than an expectation of something He could do for her.
What a posture of faith! It made me realize that sometimes we hinder our healing journey because we want to fight battles only God can. It’s beautiful to find our voice, engage our authority and declare the Word of God boldly over our circumstances. Still, when this leads to striving and idealizing our desire above our passionate love for Jesus, we become anxiety-ridden with a religious agenda to make a miracle happen rather than trust God to be God.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 puts it into perspective. In summary, it says, “Quit defining your existence by the things you can see and realize you were made for more!” Of course, that’s the Esther Translation.
So how do we shift to this mindset? I believe we must first let go of a few untruths:
1. Let go of believing God promised to give you everything you desire. God promises to put desires in your heart to fulfill you, not give you everything you ask for (Psalm 37:4). If you are seeking Him, you can trust your desires to reflect His will and, with a posture of humility, ask Him for what He already placed in your heart.
2. Let go of outcomes. God wants to bless you, no doubt, but HOW He wants to write your story, surprise you and bring glory to His name is totally up to Him. How God showed up for someone else will be different than how He shows up for you.
3. Let go of idealizing what you want and start loving what He’s already given you. There is a holy infatuation with the presence of God that comes with resting in our faith. When we can get as excited about the love of Jesus as we do about getting the thing we want, we become more connected to eternity and who we were authentically made to be.
God’s presence is the prize, not a consolation prize. It’s everything you could ever crave and more. Do you believe that? Spend some time today sitting in His presence and resting your faith in His goodness.
Day 5
Scripture: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Change Your Playlist
Listen, I love a good Taylor Swift sad song just like the rest of our broken hearts club, but sad songs are only going to do one thing: make us feel sad. It’s healthy to feel sad and let the emotions come for a time, but after we’ve properly grieved, it’s time to switch the track, change the playlist and make a new mixtape to get us pumped on life again!
When I was 25, I had my first major heartbreak a few years ago. I was totally in love, and when things didn’t work out, it felt like my entire world came crashing down. One day, a friend came over while I was all up in my feels, watching titanic, crying into pillows and whatnot. She sat down next to me and said, “Esther, it’s time to get happy again.” What?! I didn’t want to get happy. I wanted to be sad, but my time of grieving was consuming my life. Memories of the relationship played like a broken record in my head: all of the good times I missed, the things I wished I’d said, and the what-ifs. It all played on repeat day after day. I couldn’t see my future. I couldn’t dream for myself. I felt abandoned, lost, and alone, but my friend picked me up from my tear puddles and told me she was going to Australia and wanted me to come with her. I didn’t want to go, but I knew she was right. I needed to change the sad soundtrack of my life and switch it to a station that made me come alive again. A surf trip to Australia sounded like a song I wanted to play, so I said yes, bought a ticket, and boarded the plane the following week.
I spent three weeks traveling around Australia and New Zealand, surfing my brains out and making friends with people from all around the world. I attended a conference for Christian Surfers that created a safe environment for my broken heart to heal. At that conference, God began to speak to me about my future. Every time I went surfing, He began to assure me I wasn’t forgotten. He gave me a vision of what He’d placed inside me, and a new dream began to form. Every day I’d come back to my dorm room to hang out with my roommates from the conference, and we’d have dance parties until 2 am, giggle about our conference crushes and retell the stories of epic waves from earlier in the day. While I still had more healing to do, the broken record was long gone, and the new song over my life was one of joy and hopeful expectation– the kind that makes you want to break out into a dance party!
That’s the kind of mixtape Jesus wants to give you. I love the permission we’re given in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” In this verse, I hear Jesus saying, “There’s no rush. I’m not in a hurry. Your healing is happening. Don’t run from the pain. Don’t try to expedite the process. Let my presence bind around your aching heart and heal you in my time. Trust the changing seasons. It will soon change.”
I know it’s not easy. I know it’s not fun, but I also know this isn’t forever. Time will go on, your heart will heal, and the season will change.
I believe God is inviting you on an adventure just like He invited me and asking you to change the playlist you’ve been listening to. He’s made you a mixtape of joy, restoration, freedom, and peace, and He wants to wrap His presence around your aching heart so it can begin to heal. Maybe it’s time to start a new hobby, go on a trip, ask a friend to come over to be with you, or hike in a new place. Instead of dwelling on the past, make a conscious effort to shift your focus off the things you wish were different and onto the things you know you can change. Be aware of the music you listen to that evokes nostalgic feelings that only cause your heart wound to sting. It’s ok to miss someone or wish you could go back to relive a few things, but don’t stay there. Make peace with what you had to let go of so you can step into your future with a heart made whole again. And, just for kicks, make a playlist full of songs you imagine your life would look like if it were a mixtape! Then go rock out to that baby and enjoy God’s future for you. I know, it’s going to be epic!