10 Steps to Unity in Your Blended Family

Scripture: Proverbs 3:5-6

Step 1: Seek God’s will for your family.

Seeking God’s will for your blended family involves communion with God regularly. This spiritual practice includes reading His Word and applying it to everyday life. It also means developing daily prayer time with God, your spouse, and your family. When we read the Bible, meditate on its meaning, and ask God how to apply it to our lives and families, He provides guidance and discernment in specific areas.

The Book of Proverbs warns against leaning on our own understanding. As we learn to trust in the Lord, we rely on His perfect wisdom and direction instead of our incomplete knowledge. When we trust in Him, we will follow and obey what He declares instead of our perception of what is right. Then, we can act according to God’s will and not our own. This dependence on Him will bring blessings to your marriage and blended family.

Have you prayed for God’s will to be done in your family? Stop and pray. Then, be still and listen for what the Holy Spirit is telling you. Write down what you heard the Spirit saying. Then, be obedient to anything He tells you to do!

Prayer: Father, we thank You for leading and directing our blended family. Help us to seek out Your will above our agendas. May we be sons and daughters who align ourselves and our families to Your will. We pray that our family will come together with a common goal that will lead us to deeper and stronger unity through the guidance of Your Word. Help us walk in obedience as your Holy Spirit leads us. In Your loving name we pray, Amen.

Scripture: 1 John 1:9

Step 2: Walk in forgiveness and freedom.

Can you think of anything from your past marriage or relationships that you might have carried into your new marriage and blended family? Bringing in old baggage can happen, especially when you are beginning to blend. It can even occur later in marriage if we allow it. Our willingness to seek healing and forgiveness for past grievances can help us live in freedom and bring blessings to our marriage and blended family.

The scars of past relationships are real and can be heavy, and unresolved anger and resentment are common. However, these are detrimental to any relationship and have no place in a marriage and family. Those negative emotions are fueled by tactics and tools from the enemy. He will use them in our relationships with others–especially our spouse and blended family– to hurt those we love most. Think of unforgiveness as a poison you drink, hoping to harm someone else!

So how do we break this deadly cycle? We can seek a resolution for that pain by repenting before God and asking for forgiveness. These are two positive steps toward healing and freedom, but they are not always easy. Seeking biblical counseling or special classes at your local church are also great ways to pursue healing and freedom. Just as importantly, we can release ourselves from past mistakes. Scripture reminds us that when we confess and seek repentance, God is faithful to forgive and cleanse us (1 John 1:9). Embracing this truth allows us to live a life of grace, mercy, and freedom.

Where in your life do you need freedom? What old baggage have you been carrying? It’s time to lay it down.

Prayer: Thank You for Your healing power and redemption in our lives. We ask for Your supernatural healing to take root in our hearts. Remove any pain, anger, or frustration from past hurts. We ask for forgiveness and repent of any bitterness we have held onto from those who have hurt us. Forgive us for the wrongs we have committed in anger, and help us seek forgiveness from others we have hurt. Give us the grace to forgive others and experience freedom, and let us be an example of Your love. Amen.

Scripture: Matthew 19:4-6

Step 3: Focus on building a strong marriage.

A strong marriage is foundational for building unity within your blended family. And the first step is understanding and living by the biblical priorities set before us: God first, marriage second, and blended family third.

Salvation in Jesus Christ and our intimate relationship with Him is the bedrock of our life and the foundation of our marriage and family. We were created by Him and for Him, and He holds everything together (Colossians 1:16). If God does not take first place in our lives, we cannot experience life as He designed.

Second in priority is our marriage. Anything (other than God) that comes before your spouse will create opportunities for tension and resentment. Children take the backseat–even in a blended family. This means carving out time to grow in your marriage. Plan regular date nights. Read the Bible together and separately. Pray together. Develop healthy communication (without your phones). Surround yourself with godly friends who strengthen your marriage. These actions will build your marriage and bless your blended family.

In addition, Scripture tells us that when we marry our spouse, we become one flesh. Sexual intimacy is a gift within marriage to be nurtured. This intimacy feeds into and flows out of other aspects of intimacy–emotional, spiritual, and financial. As husband and wife, you pledge loyalty to one another in all areas of your marriage.

Prayer: Father, You created us in Your image for a relationship with You. We want You to be the center of our lives and marriage, so give us a deeper hunger for You. Help us learn to put each other first, second only to You. We ask your Holy Spirit to guide us as we become the partners You want us to be. We want to seek You for every need we have. Be our sole reliance in times of disagreement or misunderstanding. Help us to lean on Your promises, and let our lives reflect Jesus by exhibiting sacrificial love in all we do. In Your holy name we offer this prayer, Amen.

Scripture: Psalms 56:3-4

Step 4: Establish trust within your new family unit.

One of the biggest differences between a nuclear or traditional family and a blended family is establishing trust. A nuclear family has been building trust since the birth of the first child. In a blended family, trust is harder to gain and more easily lost. It may require a lot more time and intentionality to establish trustworthy and healthy relationships, especially with older children who are often more skeptical and guarded than younger children. Building trust takes a lot of patience, prayer, persistence, and perseverance. Learning to trust God through that process is key to the success of a blended family.

Blending can be an amazing experience, but it also involves trials, struggles, and disagreements that can create fear and mistrust in your marriage and blended family. Christ is our focus, and His Word is our answer. Scripture says that when we are afraid, we can trust Him (Psalm 56:3). By reading the Word of God and acting in obedience to His truth, we gain insight into how to develop trust in our blended family.

In the process of blending, it is important to be transparent with your new spouse about how you are feeling and thinking. Children need to be able to share their emotions openly as well. Another element in building trust is consistency. When children understand their boundaries and know those boundaries will not suddenly shift, they can become comfortable in trusting the new members of that family. Lastly, listening to each other can go a long way when establishing the trust needed for a healthy blended family.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I thank You for the gift of marriage and children. May my marriage reflect Your heart in what I say and do with my spouse and blended family. Help us to steward, disciple, and train our children in the way they should go as we seek Your will for their lives and our family. If there is any root of distrust or unforgiveness in my heart from past relationships or ex-spouses, I pray that You would begin to uproot every lie of the enemy and replace them with Your truth. You are the foundation of our marriage and family. Where there is disharmony, I pray that You would bring your unity and peace. Amen.

Scripture: Matthew 6:15

Step 5: Pray God’s blessings over your ex-spouse.

Are you actively praying for your ex-spouse? That may be one of the wildest suggestions you have ever heard. Prayer is our weapon against Satan and his plan to create havoc and disunity in our lives. Praying for our ex-spouse may be difficult if we are harboring anger and bitterness toward them. Jesus emphasized the importance of forgiving others, indicating a direct relationship between God’s forgiveness and our forgiving others as His disciples. We are His disciples and are called to live in accordance with His will, not our will or emotions. One way we mirror the heart of God is to forgive others– even our ex.

When we have feelings of anger and resentment towards someone, the best solution is to pray that God would reveal the condition of our hearts in the matter. As we ask God to work in our hearts and heal those broken and wounded places, we can also begin praying for the other person’s heart and their healing. This may not feel natural. Continue to place yourself in God’s presence. The more you experience God’s love and forgiveness for you, the more God can soften your heart toward your ex. Eventually, you will be able to pray God’s blessings over their life, marriage, family, finances, health, and whatever you sense the Lord is leading you to pray. It is tough to stay angry at someone when you are actively praying blessings on them. This is not only for their good but yours as well. Watch how your heart, mind, and attitude toward them will change over time, and see how God will work in their lives.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I thank You for my ex-spouse and the person You created them to be. I know You love them unconditionally and infinitely. I pray Your blessings of health, finances, holiness, and favor over them today. Forgive me for my feelings of ________ toward them. I ask that You would heal and cleanse any area of my heart that is wounded and impure. Help my ex-spouse and me to soften our hearts toward one another and carry your peace, patience, mercy, and grace into our co-parenting relationship. Help me to see my ex-spouse as You do. I want Your love for them to rule in my heart. Amen.

Scripture: Proverbs 22:6

Step 6: Establish family traditions.

Establishing family traditions in a newly blended family can be fun and easy, but it can also be tricky and challenging–or somewhere in between. Getting to the place where all of the children are “our children” and not “his children” or “her children” can help to create an atmosphere of a unified family. This may take some time, but it will be worth the effort. The more opportunities you provide to bring the family together, the sooner you can unite. Creating new family traditions is a way you can begin to meld together. These traditions help create and establish your family identity. When the members of a blended family can become united in something that everyone enjoys, like sports or being outdoors, those activities help create one body, one family, one heart, and a sense of belonging. This produces unity within relationships.

Family traditions don’t have to focus on holidays, although holidays often have built-in bonding opportunities. Simple activities like game night or a day at the park can help bring family members together. The small acts, done over and over, build a strong foundation for your family.

Family traditions are also generational change agents. Setting and maintaining godly priorities in your family, such as corporate worship and prayer together, can and will shape many generations. Scripture says that if we train our children in the right way, God’s way, then they will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6) . Establishing family traditions allows parents the opportunity to create memories and meaningful conversations that lead us to train and disciple our children in the way they should go.

Prayer: Father, we thank You for the gift of family and the unity You provide. Holy Spirit, allow our family to form a bond centered on You and Your Word. Help us create habits and traditions that bring us closer to one another and closer to You. Lord, help us to align our priorities with Your plans and desires for our family. God, help us prioritize our marriage and family over things of the world so we can honor and glorify You in all we do. Help us keep You central to everything we do, and remind us to seek You before anything else. In Your name we pray, Amen.

Scripture: Psalms 127:3

Step 7: Spend individual time with each child.

Children crave their parents’ (and stepparents’) undivided attention. They need to know they are valued, loved, and heard. As parents, we can work to create time and space to bond and learn about each other. When blending a family, this can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and challenging, especially when you are beginning to establish new relationships with your stepchildren. Finding time for your stepchildren and biological children may present challenges, so it takes intentionality and effort. Biological children can feel overlooked by a biological parent because these children now have to share that parent with a stepparent and stepchildren. On the other hand, stepchildren may feel like they are not as loved by a stepparent. Parents and stepparents may feel pulled in multiple directions as they seek to treat every family member equally.

Spending individual time with a child helps to establish trust and shows them that you see them and that they are important. We cannot do this without intentionally setting aside the time to spend with each child one-on-one. Scripture reminds us that children are a blessing from God. As we seek to build a godly, well-blended family unit, our families have an amazing opportunity to reflect the love of Christ towards children whom God has placed in our life by design. Children are a gift from God, and our time with each of them is important, powerful, and transformative.

Prayer: Father, thank You for the precious gift of our children! Help us be intentional as we train them up in Your ways. We ask that You direct us in how to use our time wisely and give each of our children the special attention and guidance they need. Lord, make us examples of Your love and help us to guide our children in their walks with You. Use us to break generational cycles and curses by teaching our children to seek You in every area of their lives. In Your holy name we pray, Amen.

Scripture: James 1:19

Step 8: Be a great listener.

God has given us an important calling in parenthood: to teach, mold, and disciple our children. Instinctively, we want to use opportunities and encounters with them to create teachable moments of instruction. However, a child’s thoughts and experiences are important in their own little world, and sometimes they want to talk to us about things without us turning every conversation into a theological or moral truth. In establishing trust with children and stepchildren, we need to allow them to talk about things they are experiencing and walking through–without interrupting or cutting them off. This can be a challenge if you have a chatterbox, but it can also be difficult with the less verbal child as they try to find the words to say. They need you to be still and wait patiently without checking your watch or phone.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give children is the willingness to sit and listen to them. It is equally important to listen to your spouse. They also need space and freedom to communicate without your critical or defensive responses. However, communication in marriage can be one-sided unintentionally because one person is more of a talker and the other more of a listener. This means you need to be intentional in your conversations to make sure both of you are heard. To improve your listening skills, pay attention to what your spouse says. Then, paraphrase what they said. Start by saying, “What I hear you saying is…” This will show you heard them and care about their thoughts and feelings. Scripture states that everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). What great wisdom we are given to listen more than we talk so we can avoid hasty speech or unrighteousness in our words!

There is power in silence. We can choose to actively listen, which can empower our children, stepchildren, and spouse. Your family can feel like they are being heard simply by your being quick to listen and slow to speak.

Prayer: Father, open our eyes to the needs and concerns of those around us. Help us be sensitive to and considerate of the things our loved ones say to us. Help us listen instead of planning our responses or trying to defend ourselves. Let us be led by your Spirit to respond positively. Allow us to be open-minded and soft-hearted in uncomfortable conversations. Help us to see the hurt or discomfort in our loved ones, even when they are afraid to speak it out loud. In Your name, Amen.

Scripture: Isaiah 55:8-9

Step 9: Don’t overreach your expectations.

What expectations are you bringing into your new blended family? We all have expectations. We picture a scenario in our heads: the greatest spouse, well-behaved children, supportive extended family relationships, and a positive co-parenting experience. But what if that’s not reality? With God, all things are possible, and these dreams may come to pass, but some may take more time to develop than others. We need to understand that our new family is exactly that– new. Therefore, putting expectations on relationships that have not developed and trust that has not been established is a recipe for disappointment, friction, and discord. We like to call it “death by expectation.”

If we are not careful, we can hinder our relationships with our blended family by placing expectations on each other. Instead, we need to be patient and prayerful in our attitudes and actions. We can remember that our thoughts and ways are not the Lord’s thoughts and ways. His are higher and better than ours. He is working in our blended families, but it might look different than we had imagined. When we can turn our expectations over to the Lord and surrender our ways to Him, we give Him the freedom to work in and through us to bring forth blessings in our relationships. His outcome is better than any expectation we may have had.

Prayer: Father, thank You for loving us as we are. Reveal the false expectations we have created in our hearts and minds. We ask for Your forgiveness as we lay those now at the feet of Jesus. Let us not expect too much or too little from our spouse or blended family members. Help us see and appreciate them for who they are, not what we want them to be. May we model our lives after Christ, who loved without conditions or demands. Amen.

Scripture: Luke 1:37

Step 10: Don’t lose hope.

Blended family life can be challenging. How we respond and act toward one another can either make the situation worse or carry us through our struggles with love, grace, and hope. There may be a time when you feel like hope is lost, and you want to give up. Don’t. You will make it through this with God’s help!

Don’t measure the health of your blended family by what occurs on a day-by-day basis. Instead, look at the big picture. There will be seasons of joy, filled with unity and peace. Enjoy these moments and build off of them as much as you can. Trials will come, but if we are intentional in our relationship with God and guard our hearts and minds daily, we can withstand anything the enemy will try to throw at our marriage and family. Bad seasons do not define your blended family.

Like traditional families, blended families will have their share of ups and downs. There will be days of sadness and disunity; others will be filled with laughter and smiles. When things get tough, keep praying and keep reading the Word of God. Reach out to godly counsel like a pastor or therapist. Stay in community with other Christians who can walk alongside you in that season. Show love instead of anger and frustration. Show grace when it is least expected. Give and serve others freely and without expectation of return. You can be the light the family needs to start seeing its blessings over its challenges. God is with you, and He is for you. He wants your marriage and blended family to flourish. Nothing is impossible with God!

Prayer: Father, may our hope remain in You because You never change and cannot fail. When things seem impossible, remind us that nothing is impossible in You. God, let us lean into and rely on Your faithful promises. Let us not be discouraged when things don’t go our way. Our ways are flawed. Your ways are perfect, and You have a plan for our lives. Help us to seek You in everything. We place our hope in You alone. Amen.