This 5-day plan is an opportunity for marriages in any season to reflect on how the conversations and relationships around them can give life or death to their marriage. It is specifically written for the spouse who finds themselves struggling, and with one foot out of the door.
Awesome Marriage
Day 1
Scriptures: Philippians 4:8, 2 Corinthians 10:5
If you have chosen this plan, I’m going to assume that you are at a place in your marriage where you are weighing the option to check out. My prayer is that you will use the next five days to dig in and evaluate the emotions that you are working through and apply these practical steps towards gaining clarity and moving toward healing.
Maybe your marriage is subpar at best, maybe silence fills your home because the alternative is incessant yelling, and maybe you have found that you are bitter or even worse, apathetic towards your spouse. Let’s break this down, find the source, and commit to restoring the marriage that God blessed you with.
Let’s start with communication. I don’t mean the conversations you have with your spouse. (We will get there.) Right now, I want to address the little things you tell yourself and the ideas you allow to fill your mind every single day. It starts with allowing one negative remark or thought to pass through our mind before it becomes a ripple effect, and we begin to believe all the negativity that fills our headspace. Suddenly, everything our spouse says or does is rude, condescending, or hateful. Those thoughts can lead us to believe that our spouse is the enemy.
Let me reassure you, God did not bring you two together for you to tear each other apart. Even though that may feel like that is all that’s happening, there is a better way. And it starts with what we say in conversations with ourselves. The Word says that “whatever a man thinketh, so he is.” If you think all day about how miserable your spouse makes you, you will be miserable. If you think you wish they did this or that or the other, you are not going to appreciate the things that are already being done.
Challenge:
Today, when you notice this internal dialogue taking place, I challenge you to pause for a second, welcome Christ into the situation, and invite him to soften your heart and change your mind. He is faithful to do it, and He wants to!
Prayer:
Faithful Father, thank you for my marriage even though right now it feels heavy and at times burdensome. Help me to acknowledge the negativity in my thought life, take it captive and surrender it to your truth. God, help me to be the spouse you created me to be, rather than the one we feel like our spouse deserves. Help my conversations with myself and my spouse to be both fruitful and life-giving.
Day 2
Scriptures: Proverbs 18:21, Proverbs 21:23, Proverbs 13:3, Romans 12:9
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to fall into a rut in conversations? My husband and I could go all week with just, “Hey, how was your day?” “Do you need anything from me today?” And so on. Because of our busy and conflicting schedules, we have to be intentional to choose quality conversations.
In the past, when our schedules weren’t so busy, we still struggled with connecting in conversation. Everything I said felt like a personal attack on him, which to be honest, it probably was. And if he so much as said one thing wrong I added it to the list of reasons I was mad at him that day. Sounds ridiculous right? But it becomes a pattern and an atmosphere that we not only create for ourselves but that we continue to live in! It’s not healthy and it’s not helpful. Our spouse becomes our opponent rather than our teammate, and our house becomes the battleground. This isn’t what God wants for you, and I promise it’s not what He intended.
Right now, it might be hard for you to fathom anything more than “hey” and “bye.” The conversations in your home might be overwhelmed with disdain and discontent or even worse, you may not be having conversations at all. Today, we are going to look at planting seeds for quality conversation to take place.
1. Pray for the conversations you want to have with your spouse today. You must be internally ready for quality conversation.
2. Pray for a soft heart that expects good things rather than bad. Be hopeful and expectant for the interactions you will have with your spouse today. Be in prayer that God helps you to see and receive what your spouse has to say with a cheerful and understanding heart.
3. Pray that your heart is prepared to give grace when your spouse doesn’t receive what you’re saying the way you truly mean it. Since you chose this plan, chances are some difficult conversations need to be had in your near future. I don’t know if today is the day for them, but I do know that the devil is going to be ready and waiting to continue to keep you divided in any way he can. He hates marriage and he hates when couples commit to fighting for a Godly marriage. So, when you offer something up to your spouse that isn’t well-received, have your heart ready for a peaceful exchange rather than entering into a war zone.
CHALLENGE:
Pray the prayers above over the day ahead of you.
Prayer:
God, marriage is hard, but You are the creator of this beautiful gift and we want to do things Your way. We want to communicate in a way that brings glory to You and starts us on the path to healing. Today, we are praying for soft hearts, open minds, graceful spirits, and peaceful homes. We are praying for situations to arise that encourage quality conversations with one another, safe places to connect with You and our spouse! God, we know You are faithful. We claim Your victory over our marriage.
Day 3
Scriptures: Proverbs 10:13, Proverbs 11:2, 1 Corinthians 13:6-8, Ephesians 5:31
I don’t know what your family dynamic is, but I have lived my whole life knowing my parents are on my side and are my biggest fans. The last thing on earth they want is to see me fail, or even worse, see me treated poorly. I hate to say it, but my parents’ well-meaning intentions of coming to my defense can be harmful to my marriage.
Today, we will explore the conversations we have with our family. These are the people who have known us our whole lives, our biggest cheerleaders, and potentially a roadblock for our marriage. Hear me out: There is nothing better than having a family to support and love you and your marriage, but when they quickly come to your defense rather than the defense of your marriage, it can actually do more harm than good.
I share a strong bond with both my mom and dad. Both are sounding boards for working through hard decisions and struggles in parenting, marriage, work-life, my faith, and even what I’m going to cook for dinner that day. With them, I celebrate all my victories, brag about how amazing my son can be, and vent about how frustrated I sometimes feel. They listen, they encourage, and they point me to Jesus. But some days, they take my side. (I knew I was right all along!!) Unknowingly, they fuel the fire of frustration and the division in my marriage.
Right now, you need to evaluate the conversations you are having with those closest to you. If you are sharing your deepest feelings, I have no doubt you trust and respect them dearly, but if there are not healthy boundaries around these conversations, their good intentions can lead you to resent your spouse, even more, to build up pride, and to stay in a posture of offense. Maybe listing your grievances to your parents, sister, cousin, or whoever, isn’t the way to work through the hard times in your marriage. Especially if they aren’t cheering louder for your marriage than they are for you.
The Word is very clear, “two become one.” When a family vent session becomes a spouse-bashing session, you aren’t just bashing your spouse, you are tearing yourself down. Even when you aren’t speaking the negative, taking part in those conversations affects your thought life, and works to harden your heart. The two of you are one unit that God bound together. It may feel like you are anything but bound together right now, but there is hope to get back to the teamwork mentality if you begin protecting your marriage from the things you say to yourself, to your spouse, and even to your family!
CHALLENGE:
Be transparent with yourself about the conversations you are taking part in, and what you are saying or are allowing to be said about your spouse. Evaluate why you are saying those things. Do they make you feel justified? Do they boost your ego? If so, here’s your reminder that victory isn’t won when one person is more right than the other, but rather when the two of you are able to overcome an obstacle together.
Prayer:
Dear God, thank you for the amazing people you have placed in our lives. Thank you for a family that is available to listen and talk through some of the struggles we are facing. Today, we pray for wisdom to set healthy boundaries around our conversations. We pray that you help us to recognize the times when we are failing our spouse with the negative commentary we take part in. Help us have soft hearts, God! Help us to have eyes that see our spouse the way that You see them. Help us to fight for marriages day in and day out. Strengthen our marriage, strengthen our conversation, and strengthen our resolve. We love You, and we praise You. Amen.
Day 4
Scriptures: Proverbs 13:10, Proverbs 10:13
Some of the best relationships in my life are friendships. They are a beautiful place to celebrate the ups and downs of life, laugh and cry, and ‘veg’ out on chips and queso. They are also the spaces where I can talk through some of my struggles as a wife and mother. In my younger years, I’d get really frustrated if my conversations with friends about an argument with my husband didn’t further confirm that I was right all along. This isn’t true friendship and it’s also not helpful. Too often our friendships serve to further our agenda rather than challenge us and help us grow. This is especially true if the conversations we are having with friends are more about degrading our spouse, rather than encouraging growth, understanding, or a new perspective. If my friends and family cheer louder for me than for my marriage- they are definitely not the ones I should be going to for advice. In this season of your marriage, it is vital that you have people who are pushing you towards Jesus and towards your spouse.
I was a newlywed when I started working at a new facility. Every afternoon all the staff would gather in the office to wrap up the day, and every day like clockwork, the conversation would immediately shift to conversations about home life. Because most everyone was married, it often became a venting session about spouses. I found myself sitting quietly staring at the computer, intrigued that all of these people were so negative about their husbands, wives, and their home lives. Then, one day, I turned my chair around and joined in. Every day after that, I felt more and more comfortable chiming in. It seemed like innocent camaraderie at first, until I realized on my drive home one afternoon that I was angry and frustrated with my husband for doing things he hadn’t even done yet. Communication with friends matters. Conversations you join in or are a part of- matter.
When marriage feels heavy, and we feel isolated from our spouse, it can feel natural for us to want to pursue other relationships even harder. God created us with the desire and the need for connection. It is important that we evaluate what connections we are pursuing. Now is not the time for a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex. It’s not. Read it again. God didn’t bring that person into your life to show you what you were missing, He didn’t bring in a replacement, and He most definitely isn’t saying you married the wrong person. I fought through all of those lies and feelings myself, and I’m encouraging you with my whole heart not to go down that path.
CHALLENGE:
Today, take a good look at your friendships. Maybe they look innocent from the outside, but you know that if you heard your spouse saying the things you and your friends say, that you would be upset or even angry. Maybe you have friends who push you towards truth, and you find yourself frustrated with them when they tell you something you don’t want to hear. It might be that in your desire for connection, you are pursuing other relationships as “friends” more than you should. If there are conversations you know you shouldn’t be having, put a stop to them now. You are not too far gone to turn around. Commit today to use these words to rebuild your marriage, even if that means starting at rock bottom.
Prayer:
Heavenly Father, Help me to remember how important my conversations are. When my tongue begins to spew forth empty words, help me to remember your words are true, and that the wise are slow to speak and slow to anger. I want my words to honor You and my marriage. Place people in my life that point me back to your truth and cheer loudly for my marriage. God, open up doors for fruitful conversations with my friends and coworkers and help me to have the strength to walk away from any conversations that will further the divide I feel in my marriage. Help me to see my spouse as both a partner and a friend. Help me to be the spouse you created me to be, even when my spouse isn’t doing the same.
Day 5
Scriptures: Romans 12:9, Philippians 4:8, Ephesians 5:33
It’s been a week of evaluating your marriage and how your conversations are directly affecting that relationship. You are probably still in the thick of an incredibly hard season of your marriage. If one foot is out the door, I am praying that you have the courage to step back into your home and keep your feet planted firmly in your marriage.
Let’s think back on communication and the different ways it can affect our marriages. When we fill our minds with negative talk, it will always pour over into our marriage and skew our perspective. In order to keep viewing our marriage through a lens of grace and love, we must protect our marriage from ourselves, and that means meditating only on the truth and power of Christ, rather than the shortcomings and failures of our spouse.
When we have conversations with our spouse, it is important to remember that our words hold the “power of death and life.” What we say and how we say it can begin to rebuild or further destroy the relationship. Choose life-giving and encouraging words, even if you are having a hard time finding anything to be positive about. Pray to see your spouse the way Christ sees them, then remind yourself that the two of you are now one. You are in a tough season. Just because your heart is softening to your marriage doesn’t mean your spouse is on the same page. Be ready to extend grace when your conversations don’t go how you hoped.
Our families can be our biggest support system, and they can also impact our marriage negatively if there aren’t healthy boundaries around what we talk about. Let’s be sure that they are on the same team as your marriage. If they aren’t, they probably shouldn’t be where you run for guidance when things are rocky at home. A Christian counselor might be better suited for that, and it will keep you from feeling trapped in the middle.
Life is so much sweeter with good friends. Be sure that you’re not only being a friend to your spouse but that you are surrounding your marriage with friends who cheer for you both. Friends who are pro-marriage and love you enough to tell you the hard truth. We need people who will remind us that marriage may be hard but that it is worth every bit of the investment, and that things may feel heavy, but they will walk alongside you and spur you on. We must remember that when our marriages are at their worst, God isn’t bringing in a replacement. It’s not the time for a newfound friendship with someone of the opposite sex. That is dangerous territory to navigate. It won’t be helpful.
CHALLENGE:
Pick one area of communication you are struggling in, pray over it daily, and make small steps towards rebuilding your marriage.
Prayer:
God, this week, as I have looked at how my words matter, help me to reflect on and remember the truths of your Word and maintain a soft heart towards my marriage. Show me one way that I can become the Godly spouse you made me to be. Thank you Lord that you fight for my marriage, that you are ever-present, and that you never give up!