Toni Nieuwhof is a former divorce lawyer and pastor’s wife who wants to help couples find joy in each other again, even after the lowest lows. She asks, do you wonder if you’re done with your marriage? If you’re seeking one more chance, hoping against all hope that your relationship can be turned around, these devotionals are for you.
WaterBrook Multnomah
Day 1
Scriptures: Psalms 139, Matthew 11:28-30, John 14:16, John 14:27
“Your Choice”
On our wedding day, Carey and I went to great lengths to look our best. However, we found that our marriage, years later, was not so picture-perfect. Our wounds and weaknesses weren’t visible in our wedding photos, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t there. Over time, they showed up in our words and actions toward each other as we struggled to reconcile our differences.
Most people sincerely believe their husband or wife is mainly to blame for their marriage troubles. But is it possible that assigning blame misses the point? The human tendency for me, for you is to avoid personal responsibility by blaming the other person. But could your past wounds—your pain on the inside—be at least partly responsible for your struggles? Right now you may not see the baggage that you and your spouse dragged into your marriage. The cause for your emotional turmoil may have little to do with your spouse and a lot to do with what happened before he or she came along.
It’s not easy and it’s not painless to get to the roots of your problems. But Jesus will lead you there if you let him. You can get out of that futile cycle of blame if you are willing to search out your own part.
Although you may feel too fed up to look inward, there is a way. The Way. Even if you can’t lean on your partner right now, Jesus will help you by lifting the burden from your shoulders. He invites you to share the weight of it with him. Although it may not happen right away, Jesus will transform your burden to make it “easy” and “light” (Matthew 11: 28).
Don’t underestimate the importance of the choice you have. Only you can choose to search for the wound or the baggage you’ve carried from your past into your present. It is connected to the painful words or actions of others that most likely took hold when you were younger and more vulnerable.
God loves you and wants to help. Invite him in, and he will lead you toward his peace. As David prayed, “Search me, God, and know my heart… see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23, 24).
If you will allow God to move you through your pain, I promise you there is something amazing on the other side: a freer, full-of-life, and more loving version of you.
Lord Jesus, help me to search for the roots of my emotional pain that need your healing.
Day 2
Scriptures: Matthew 5:43-46, Matthew 7:1-5, Colossians 3:12-14, Ephesians 4:29-32
“Seeing Your Spouse Through Eyes of Mercy”
“Love your enemies,” said Jesus. I don’t think Carey and I would have ever called ourselves enemies, but we sometimes fought as if we were. During the dark seasons of our marriage when our conflict was chaotic and our emotions frayed, we desperately needed forgiveness.
When you both feel you’ve been wronged by the other, it’s messy business to combine the facts of the wrongs committed with attitudes of mercy and humility. But authentic forgiveness requires it.
How can you repair and move on—even if you’re not sure restoration is possible?
Here are the three ingredients for forgiveness. Let’s say Carey faces forgiving me for an offense. The first ingredient acknowledges justice. Carey needs to talk about what happened and how my offense impacted him personally. He needs to experience, not stuff or deny, his emotions attached to the wrongs.
The second part is mercy. Mercy requires Carey to change the way he looks at what I did and who I am. He needs to see me through eyes of compassion.
The third essential ingredient is humility. Humility requires Carey to change the way he looks at what he did and who he is. Authentic humility is hard when you’ve been hurt.
The water of humility slips easily through your fingers unless you work hard to hold it in your hand.
To sort out the facts of what happened, maybe you need to write down your grievances.
Desmond Tutu recommended a ritual of writing the good qualities of the person you’re trying to forgive on a stone and then writing the offenses you want to forgive on sand. The offenses will be washed away by the rain, but the truths of the strengths of that person will endure on the rock.
This type of ritual is helpful because you’ll be able to visualize your act of forgiving. You could also mark your release of each grievance by throwing a stone or shell into an expanse, such as an ocean or lake, or off a cliff, and watching it disappear. Then whenever one of those offenses crosses your mind or triggers painful emotions, you can visualize your memory of releasing it.
You may still need to process your emotional healing over time, and that’s okay. Your mind’s eye memory of releasing the offense is a way of guarding your heart and your relationship from being weighed down again by burdens you already let go of.
When you put justice, mercy and humility together and forgive each other, your love that even endured adversity may become your delight.
God, help me to confess my offenses, to extend mercy and to show humility toward my spouse and forgive, just as you have forgiven me.
Day 3
Scriptures: John 13:6-17, 1 Peter 5:5-6, Mark 10:35-45
“Make the First Move”
What would you think about being the first to take a risk in your marriage to turn the trajectory of your relationship? You don’t need to have a cooperative partner, and you don’t even need to feel like doing it. You can take a lot of first steps on your own.
For example, maybe you have a grievance you’ve never disclosed and the pressure you feel inside keeps mounting. It’s making you resent your spouse. He or she doesn’t even get the chance to respond with compassion because you’ve already written them off as untrustworthy.
Or maybe you recognize the financial pressure you’re both facing, but taking that first step toward the workplace seems too daunting. Can you accept working in a position that seems to underrepresent your skill set and still preserve your dignity? What would your friends think?
Whatever relationship problem you face, would viewing yourself as a servant leader help you take the risk? As we know, Jesus “did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45).
It may be less intuitive to view marriage as a relationship where the goal is to serve each other’s needs and desires instead of a relationship where you set the bar at a certain height and expect your partner to clear it. The former is a recipe for love and peace; the latter is a formula for relational injury.
If both of you throw yourselves into the risk of becoming a servant leader to the other, stand back and watch what happens. The shaky relationship of two individuals each fighting for his or her own self-interest morphs into a relationship with solid footing. Serving each other bonds you with more caring. More caring leads to you both being more authentically satisfied. Being more satisfied leads to more playfulness and fun.
What started with serving ends up producing more passionate love. And when you carry out the commitment to serve each other in love over time, eventually your marriage becomes a wonder to behold.
Jesus, fill me with your love and power to serve my wife (my husband) with humility and to risk taking the first step to restore wholeness to our marriage.
Day 4
Scriptures: Genesis 2:18-25, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, 1 Peter 5:5-7
“Split, Survive, or Save”
The ideal of marriage is a beautiful thing, but the reality can sometimes be shockingly different. Have you ever reached a point in your marriage where you’re saying, “I can’t do this anymore”? If that’s you right now, let me say I’m sorry, because it’s a hard place to be.
You may not be sure what to do next. Let’s look at your three options.
Save
When I talk about saving your marriage, I’m talking about transforming your marriage into one that makes you both feel loved, cared for, and fully satisfied. When you’ve been struggling for a while, you may think it’s not even possible anymore.
Ecclesiastes says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Sometimes my husband, Carey, and I were like two broken strands. But, Jesus was the third strand whose love held us together.
Why were we broken and struggling so much? One major problem was our pride that kept us from seeing the ways we needed to change to become more loving.
Split
While we were struggling, I naturally assumed Carey must be mainly to blame. I had a hard time resisting the impulse to run away from the deep pain in our marriage.
Now, there’s a difference between an unhappy marriage and a harmful one. If you’re not sure which one yours is, speak to a wise mentor, counselor, or pastor, and listen to their advice.
As a divorce attorney, some people told me they didn’t actually leave their problems behind when they left their partner. They ended up with another set of problems.
Survive
Surviving in your marriage means staying together without a heartfelt connection. You may feel more like roommates or family business partners.
One of the problems is, if your marriage feels like a business deal, lacking a real emotional bond, sooner or later one of you may end up responding to that empty feeling inside in an unhealthy way.
However, surviving in your marriage may be a wonderful option as you work on rebuilding your heartfelt bond.
What Carey and I have found over all these years is that humbly drawing near to God and surrendering to Jesus’s ways helped us build a marriage we would never dream of leaving.
Jesus, please fill me with your wisdom to see what to do next in my marriage, and fill me with the love and power to do it.
Day 5
Scriptures: Mark 4:30-32, Luke 6:36-38, Galatians 6:7-10, Psalms 126:6
“Start Planting Your Abundant Harvest”
Disrupting that feeling of being stuck in your marriage is hard to do. You feel a resistance from the inside. And yet, what’s true is you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7).
In your marriage, what are you planting? Are you sowing seeds of kindness, patience, and love? Or are you sowing indifference, criticism, or suspicion? What’s the quality and nature of your words and actions—the seeds you’re sowing—in your relationship?
Don’t worry if you can manage only to plant tiny seeds. Every little kindness, every little gift, every small apology, and every overlooking of a slight has the potential to create results that vastly outgrow what you planted. Remember that a tiny mustard seed can give birth to a splendidly spacious tree.
Don’t expect instant results when you start planting the seeds of new life in your marriage. Be willing to wait. Anyone who’s had experience with planting knows it’s futile to keep your eyes fixed on the spot where you planted. You need to give those seeds time to germinate, sprout, and grow.
Don’t plant the seeds of generosity and kindness and then watch your spouse to measure the response. You’ll only set yourself up for disappointment if you expect your partner to spring into action once you’ve extended yourself for him or her.
Watching doesn’t make the seed grow faster. But fastening your hope to the promise of your harvest and your joy in the future will make your waiting easier.
Your grace-filled attitude toward your spouse and your new, loving habits will have a cumulative impact over time.
You have the potential to build a richly satisfying future marriage by sowing the seeds of love now, even if you have to sow seeds into the cold, hard ground. Alternatively, bitterness and indifference accumulate over time too, and they do so in a way that sucks the joy out of life. Carried on over time, these destroy both self and others.
Even if your partner doesn’t reciprocate when you start planting seeds, you will reap a harvest when you authentically sow seeds of love and keep on sowing. The harvest may not appear where you intended, but the promise stands. You will experience a reward that is worth the wait. Plant seeds for an abundant harvest and hold out for joy.
Jesus, please empower me with your Spirit to plant seeds of love and reconciliaton in my marriage. Set my soul to rest in you as I await your promised abundant harvest.