Change Your Words, Change Your Marriage

Scriptures: Genesis 1:3, Proverbs 18:21, Proverbs 16:24

The Creative Power of Words in Marriage

I’m inviting you to take a ten-day journey for the sake of your marriage. You will likely encounter truth that you have never thought of before. Keep an open mind and ask the Lord to engage your spiritual ears as you read His word and my simple writings.

Did you know God has a voice? Here’s a mesmerizing thought: God often spoke to Adam and Eve. He blessed them. God told them what was good to eat. God, Himself, brought every animal and bird to Adam and waited to see what he would name them.

God spoke words. God opened His mouth, and the light was formed—all the laws of electricity, magnetism, gravity, and others burst into the place! (Gen. 1:3) Here’s the point: God’s words have a power that we can’t imagine.

Adam and Eve were formed in the image of God, as are you and your spouse. Grab hold of this though: along with creating us in His image, God gave us His language. Whoa! His very language! Understanding the power of your words should stop you in your tracks to consider the potential of your words in marriage.

The words that come out of your mouth have the power to create harmony or lead to hopelessness in your marriage. I like to say that encouraging words are verbal nutrients to your soul. And they will have that precise impact on your relationship with your spouse.

Gracious words will fortify your relationship.

Compliments will give your spouse confidence.

Affectionate words will create security in your marriage.

Kindness will let your spouse know they are deeply loved.

Be soft with your words, and you will create an atmosphere of peace.

Your words will define your actions and they will expose your thoughts. Ask the Holy Spirit right now to begin the work in your heart that will produce words that rekindle dreams and restore hope.

Read on tomorrow. You will reach a new level of understanding about the destructive power of complaining, sarcasm, criticism, judgments, and gossip in your marriage. And you will learn how to conquer them.

Scriptures: Psalms 34:1, Ephesians 4:29, Proverbs 25:11

 Satan’s Greatest Perversion 

It is God’s plan for your words to soothe the soul of your mate. He wants the words that cross your tongue to foster intimacy. Discover intimacy in your marriage relationship, and unity will quickly follow.

Adam and Eve’s failure and the entrance of sin gave Satan the opening he needed to pervert the things of God, particularly marriage. And the very first thing he distorted was language. Blame was introduced, deception flourished, and unity was destroyed.

I believe the perversion we see in our language is as profound as the perversion we see with sex. I hope this sober thought grabs your attention. Complaining, sarcasm, criticism, judgments, and gossip are as perverted as porn. Am I serious? Very.

Here is a snapshot of what these words do in marriage.

Complaining is poison to your marriage. Few things destroy intimacy as thoroughly as constant complaining. The primary work of the Holy Spirit in a believer’s life is to create fellowship. Complaining quenches the work of the Spirit. It is akin to taking a fire hose to the flames of the Spirit.

Here is why complaining is so destructive. It blinds us from seeing God’s blessings in our life. It sends a message to God, “I don’t believe you are good.” Complaining strikes at the heart of God, because God is good (Ex. 33:19). It makes you incapable of seeing the good things your spouse does.

Extinguish complaining in your marriage, and you will set yourself up to experience intimacy. Fast complaining out of your heart and soul, and you will make space for gratefulness.

Sarcasm—derived from the Greek word, sarkazein. Its literal meaning: to rip the flesh apart like a dog. The problem is that sarcasm is a normal part of our culture today. It is the medium for so much humor, cleverness, and one-upmanship bantering. Sadly, much of the most pointed sarcasm aims at those in authority (elected officials, school personnel, even pastors). But sarcasm reaches its pinnacle of destruction in marriage. Sarcasm aimed at your mate will wound them emotionally and destroy their self-image. 

God has a plan for you in marriage other than complaining and using sarcasm. As you fast these words out of your life, you will stop damaging your relationship. You will begin to rediscover the joy of the Lord in your marriage.

Scriptures: Psalms 19:14, Matthew 7:1-5, Proverbs 16:28

Destroying Unity—One Word at a Time 

Criticism A wise sage, E. Stanley Jones, once said that of the many dangers lurking to destroy fellowship, criticism was at the top of his list. Critical words are insidious. They form in the swampland of the soul and take root, building walls the spirit of fellowship cannot penetrate. What makes criticism so powerful is that it does its nasty work when even left as secret criticism not even voiced. 

We are not beings that have a spirit. We are first spirits residing in a body—there is a difference—this body will waste away. Our fellowship with our spouse can be broken because we are critical or even harbor secret criticism. Unity in marriage is based on confidence; criticism breaks that confidence. We must fast criticism and treat it as the sin it is—repenting before the Lord and our mate. 

Judgments  There are only a few critical issues that are foundational to have unity in your marriage. Some of the most obvious are: forgiveness, humility, and not judging. There are two primary ways we judge: we ascribe value to someone, and we think we know someone’s motivation. I realize those words are probably ringing in your ears right now, the number of times your spouse has said, “I know exactly why you did that!”

Jesus has made us a promise about judging, but I promise you it is not one you want to engage. He made it as simple as He could: Don’t judge; if you do, it will be poured back on you by your own standard (Matt. 7:1-5). 

When you judge your spouse or others, you set yourself up for failure in every relationship. There is no worse position than inserting yourself in God’s place. Take judgments captive by fasting them out of your marriage. You will be freed to appreciate your spouse for the majestic person they are in Christ.

Gossip Just the word has a wicked sound to it. Gossip is a staple in the enemy’s arsenal. Few words have such immediate impact on relationships; it is a unity buster. Here’s a simple definition of gossip: sharing information with someone who is not a part of the problem or the solution to a problem. 

Don’t let the enemy trip you up. Be careful about what you share about your spouse and whom you share with. You have the power to make your marriage a safe place.  

Scriptures: Isaiah 58:6, James 3:2, Proverbs 17:28

Fast Words That Destroy Your Marriage

We live in a toxic verbal culture. It is as if all the boundaries of decency and morality are gone. John Maxwell, the marvelous Christian author, said he discovered the most profound behavioral principle of life: people do what people see. Here’s the deal: we are influenced and impacted by what is happening around us. The radio, TV, movies, and just about any other form of mass communication exposes you and your marriage to vulgar, debasing language. The “F-bomb” is a part of everyday talk.

But it gets more alarming. Marriage, the staple for God’s family, receives the brunt of sarcastic humor, caustic portrayal, and verbal attacks. Marriage is in the direct line of the enemy’s fire.

God’s vision for your marriage is intimacy and unity. It is His essential purpose. And the enemy is always out to destroy God’s essential purpose. Satan uses complaining, sarcasm, criticism, judgments, and gossip to keep God’s purposes at bay in your relationship.

How are you to turn back the enemy’s attacks and the world’s influence on your marriage? Fast these negative words into oblivion! Fast? Yes, fast. There are things in the spiritual realms that only occur by prayer linked to fasting (Is. 58:6). When you fast these negative words, you break the enemy’s chains on your marriage. You will set yourself free to develop greater intimacy in your relationship. Bad habits and baggage you have carried around for years or a lifetime will fall by the wayside.

On Day 1, I wrote about the power of words. It is a concept that’s easy for us to understand—it is where we live every day. However, considering the dynamic power of fasting words may be new ground for most of you.

Why is fasting words so powerful? You have to read God’s Word for the answer. Take the time to study these scriptures: James 1:26, 3:2, Matt. 15:18, 18:18, and Prov. 13:3, 17:28. There are so many more scriptures that address the power and results of not speaking damaging words. They point to this dramatic conclusion: fast complaining, sarcasm, criticism, judgments, and gossip, and you will unleash the power of the Holy Spirit in your life for wisdom, to cleanse your mind, and find intimacy with Christ and your spouse.

Scriptures: Luke 6:45, Matthew 15:1-11, Proverbs 4:23

The Heart of the Issue 

The heart is the source of every word that comes out of your mouth. Yes, I said every word. I can hear the excuses now—I’ve used them all. “I didn’t mean that. That just slipped out; I don’t know where that originated. Are you sure I said that?”

If you want intimacy in your marriage and for your relationship to flourish and grow, then you need to do something about your heart. It is the source of every issue in life. But here’s the rub: you can’t do anything about your heart (Job 17:9-10, Ps. 119: 23-24). So, what’s a person to do?

I’ve got good news and bad news about your heart. Let’s start with the bad news, because it is very freeing and encouraging. The condition of your heart will never be a measure of your efforts. Only God, through the Holy Spirit, can change your heart (Ex 36:26). There is no self-help program, 5-Step Guide to Purity of Heart, or workout routine that will change your heart. Take a deep breath; changing your heart is not about hard work.

There is good news. God wants your heart healed and whole. And He has given you two majestic helpers. The Holy Spirit will guide, strengthen, and transform your heart if you learn to close your mouth and be still before Him (Ps. 46:10, Rom. 2:29). God’s Word will soften and restore your heart as you meditate on it and obey it (Ps. 19:7).

You are not off the hook when it comes to your heart—even though you can’t do anything about it. Ask the Holy Spirit to sharpen your spiritual vision as you read what follows. It is the understanding you need to put into practice for the rest of your life if you want a heart that follows after God—a heart that can discern the Holy Spirit’s leading and receive the things of the Spirit for your marriage.

You, and only you, have the direct responsibility from God to guard what comes in your heart and what comes out of it—the words. Every issue you face in your marriage, every decision you make, and the very intimacy and unity of your relationship all hinges on your capacity to guard your heart (Prov. 4:23).

Fasting words—partnered with prayer—has the creative power to change the course of your life and the atmosphere of your marriage. 

Scriptures: 1 John 1:7, John 15:4, 2 Corinthians 5:16

Your Spiritual Immune System  

This is one of the most life-giving revelations you will ever encounter: you have a spiritual immune system just like you have a physical immune system. The implications for your marriage are staggering. Keep your spiritual immune system healthy, and you will be a spiritual force for intimacy and unity in your marriage.

I’m sure you remember 9th-grade science and your physical immune system. Get a good night’s sleep, eat those vegetables, drink lots of water, and ad nausea. It still stands true, keep your immune system healthy, and you will get sick less often. You wash your hands to get bacteria off your skin and eat right to strengthen your immunity from disease and infection.

Your spiritual immune system acts similarly to your physical network. Keep the spiritual immune system healthy, and you will fend off the enemy’s attacks and the world’s intrusions into your life and marriage.

Take the Word of God as an example. Delight in the Word of God and let it saturate your soul and you will be made clean (John 15:4). You will have nothing to hide from your mate. Your conscience will be clear. Make the Word of God a central part of your relationship, and it will fireproof it from the world’s grime.

Pray, and your communication lines to the Holy Spirit will be vibrant and clear. I can’t overstate the importance of prioritizing prayer as a vital part of your marriage—preferably in the morning. You will feel spiritually in-tune with your spouse throughout the day when you pray together to start the day. Pray together, and unity can become a spiritual reality.

The parallels with your physical and spiritual systems are limitless. Get close to heat or fire, and you will burn your skin. Bring your spirit close to the Holy Spirit, and His fire will purify your life from the world, the flesh, and the devil. All of this has such striking ramifications for your marriage. God wants you to receive your spouse after the spirit, not after the flesh.

“So then, from now on, we have a new perspective that refuses to evaluate people merely by their outward appearances. For that’s how we once viewed the Anointed One, but no longer do we see him with limited human insight (2 Cor. 5:16, TPT). 

Scriptures: Matthew 18:7, Luke 17:1, Hebrews 11:6

You Can Become Offense Proof in Your Marriage 

What would your marriage be like if nothing, I repeat, nothing that your spouse said offended you? I know you are thinking right now, “What planet is this guy from—‍Mars?” Please give me some space and read with your spiritual eyes.

Medical News Today carried a significant research article that concluded that prolonged fasting (2-4 days a month) could reboot and strengthen damaged immune systems. The first time I read that article, the Lord spoke to me, “It is the same with your spiritual immune system.” At the time, I had never heard the words, spiritual immune system.

The Lord showed me that in fasting words, your spiritual immune system is regenerated and strengthened. If you have damaged your marriage with negative comments, fasting words will have an even more significant exponential effect positively.

There is a thrilling truth here for your marriage. Deep in your spirit, a reversal process begins when you fast complaining, criticism, sarcasm, judgments, and gossip. When you stop complaining about your spouse, gratefulness will increase for him/her. Being less critical will cause hope to soar in your mate. Fast sarcasm and joy will spring forth in your relationship. Stop judging your spouse, and they will stop judging you. Rid your marriage of gossip, and you will build trust with your spouse.

In the reversal process that is taking place from fasting words, an electrifying, serendipitous effect is happening. You are becoming offense proof.

One of Satan’s most effective strategies to destroy unity in marriage is offenses (remember, God’s essential purpose for your relationship is unity). Few things can obliterate unity faster. There is a reason Jesus taught about offenses and warned, they will come! (Luke 17:1) The opportunity for an offense is incredibly real in marriage. Offensive actions and words lurk over and again daily: small, large, nightmarish, and nasty. They cripple intimacy.

Without faith, it is impossible to please God (Heb. 11:6). I want you to pray under your breath as you read this. Pray that God will increase your faith.

You can become offense proof!

Fast complaining, criticism, sarcasm, judgments, and gossip out of your marriage and the Holy Spirit will take you to a place where you immovable. Nothing will disturb your peace with Him or your mate. Bringing words under the governance of the Holy Spirit will offense proof your marriage.

Scriptures: Genesis 2:24, Song of Songs 4:9, Song of Songs 8:7, Proverbs 31:11-12

Enjoy Sex 

Your words impact every facet of your marriage. However, of all the parts of your relationship, few areas are directly affected by your words as sex.

I am convinced that if we understood God’s intentions for sex, we would be astounded. We would see that in marriage, sex impacts our spirit, soul, and body. Sex is a crucial part of oneness and unity in marriage—God’s essential purpose (Gen. 2:24).

God’s blueprint for marriage is that it be in a loving, lifelong relationship. The words you speak bring life to this relationship or destroy it. Complaining, judgments, sarcasm, criticism, or gossip aimed at your spouse will prohibit intimacy and destroy unity. In this kind of relationship, sex—if it is even an active part—is often relegated to just a physical act.

The enemy’s strategy is always to try to pervert God’s design. It just takes one single word to establish how successful and perverted the enemy has reached in twisting God’s plan for sex—pornography. Pornography represents the enemy’s most significant assault on marriage. 

The f… word has become acceptable to many people in everyday language. It is a staple for shock value and attention-getting in entertainment. Merriam-Webster defines the f…word. It says, “it is, a vulgar or obscene act with a sexual partner.” Could the world get any further away from God’s design for sex?

One of the pronounced challenges you face is to keep your sexual relationship pure and undefiled. You and your mate need to talk freely (using—you guessed it—words!) about sex and commit to honor God in sexual intimacy. I’ve heard it over and again, one partner brings terrible habits into the marriage and pressures the other into sexual practices that they are not comfortable with.

In His design, the words of love, tenderness, and understanding spoken before and after the sexual experience will make it extraordinary. A man needs to find the right words to tell his wife she is desirable and beautiful (Song of Solomon 4:9). A woman must give words of respect and appreciation for her husband (Prov. 31:11-12).  

There is an intimacy in sex that makes oneness complete. It is risky. You have to talk—there are those words again—about your sexual needs. You have to come out of hiding. Sex is a magnificent adventure of mutual trust and love (Song of Solomon 8:7).

Scriptures: Matthew 12:34, Proverbs 12:18, Jeremiah 17:9-10

Take a test run: “Oops, I really didn’t mean that.”

How many times have you read this verse? “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matt. 12:34, ESV). I’ve read that verse hundreds of times. Each time I read it, I confess, I am still in a little bit of denial. Deep in my heart’s recesses reside thoughts, judgments, fantasies, and criticisms (Jer. 17:9-10). I am stunned by some of the words that have crossed my lips and come out of my mouth. Oh, the hurtful things I have aimed at my spouse! (Prov. 12:18)

I’ve made every excuse possible along the way:

• “I haven’t been feeling well today; that just slipped out.”
• “That didn’t come out the way I meant it.”
• “I take it back; I take it back; I take it back!”

And then, if I dare, the most explosive excuse of all: 

• “YOU must have misunderstood me.”

Each of us has had that dreadful experience of saying something to our spouse, and knowing we were in deep trouble the second it left our lips. What we said can range from hurtful to embarrassing. To compound the horror, sometimes, it is said in front of other people. I would be hard-pressed to conjure up a sadder feeling than how I felt after I said a cutting word to my spouse in another person’s presence. Are you relating to what I am saying? 

But this is why we are here. We want to replace criticism, sarcasm, judgments, complaining, and gossip with words of encouragement and affirmation.

Let me give you a hint that will help. Pay attention to the rhythm of your life and words. Are there recurring situations where you don’t respond well? Are there certain people with whom you let your guard down and talk too honest about your spouse?

As you progress through days of fasting negative and harsh words, you will become increasingly sensitized to the negative words of others. In particular, you will begin to notice the words coming out of your spouse’s mouth. Attempt to keep your ear on the words coming out of your mouth, though. No playing word police with your mate!

For today, consider: What have you already started to notice about the words other people speak around you? Have you heard anyone complain, judge, or criticize lately? What about gossip—has that happened around you recently as well? Talk about these issues with your spouse. 

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2 Corinthians 4:12, Proverbs 15:4

Do You Believe Your Marriage Can Be Restored?

You can live with your mate, see them the first thing every morning and share time in the evening, and be completely separated. You don’t have to move out of your home to be disconnected. It seems effortless—that’s part of the problem—to drift into a state of being emotionally void of any love, affirmation, or intimacy.

We’ve got it backwards if we believe marriage’s purpose is happiness, a sense of euphoria, or sex beyond belief. Think again. The real truth is that God uses everything in our life to conform us into His image. He is about restoration, changing us into the likeness of Jesus. If you can get on this path, then all the promised blessings of marriage will start coming your way (Ecc. 3:1).

Marriage is a lifetime covenant between two people. Still, each one of you must take the step of faith to chase after oneness. You and I both know it is not easy to swallow your pride and choose not to be offended when offenses come (and they do come often in marriage). Marriage can be downright challenging. I like to say marriage works best when both people choose to die to self. However, if only one person is making that choice, there is hope (2 Cor. 4:12).

You can be the most influential person in your spouse’s life. As you take control of the words that come out of your heart, you can change your marriage’s climate. Here’s where the real transformation will take place. The more you seek to understand them, the more you will be understood. Every time you show empathy, you set them free to do the same for you. You can change your marriage by being inviting and disarming with your words (Prov. 15:4).

Marriage is worth it. There is a splendorous mystery inside your spouse to be brought out in the open. You can bring this wonder out into your relationship with the help of the Holy Spirit. He desires to bring you and your spouse into perfect harmony.