At one time every marriage is full of hopes, dreams and possibilities. What happens? Why do so many couples just exist together? What I see time and time again is that people mentally reframe their spouse. The positive thoughts have been slowly replaced with negative thoughts. How do we reverse the process? That is what our focus is in this plan.
Awesome Marriage
Day 1
Scriptures: Proverbs 3:5, Matthew 22:37, 2 Corinthians 10:5
The Power of Our Thoughts
At one time every marriage is full of hopes, dreams and possibilities. What happens? Why do so many couples just exist together?
What I see time and time again is that people mentally reframe their spouse. The positive thoughts have been slowly replaced with negative thoughts. How do we reverse the process? How do we keep that from happening in our marriage? Or if it has, how do we breathe life into our marriage again?
Obviously, it begins with change. Where does change start? It starts in our minds. Our mind and thought life can be powerful ways that we honor and obey God, or they can be powerful strongholds that keep us from experiencing all He has for us. The command to “love the Lord your God…with all your mind,” shows that our mind is an active part of our relationship with God.
The instruction Paul gives us to “take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ,” demonstrates that we are not the victim of our thought life, but we have control over what we think. The more you think about something, the stronger it grows in your brain and the more influence it has on your future thoughts, words, and actions. Our thoughts impact the health and quality of our marriage.
What are your thoughts about your marriage and your spouse? Are they positive or negative? Then what do you do with those thoughts? Those thoughts are real things. When we think of something we build it into the structure of our brain. It is a physical entity that changes the environment of our brain and body. When we choose to allow a thought to grow inside our brain, feeding it with attention and time, it will affect the cells in our brain and body, impacting our future thoughts, words and actions. Our marriage then becomes what we think.
Every couple has problems and issues to deal with. The key is how we deal with them. If we see each other positively as a teammate, then we solve the problems together. If we see our spouse negatively, as an enemy, our thoughts will follow that track.
Marriage was designed by God to be the closest, most intimate relationship in this life, next to our relationship with Him. Since that was God’s design, why not invite Him into your thought life? When we pray to God, things change. We get God’s perspective. Prayer helps us humbly submit to God’s perspective, rather than “lean on our own understanding.” The Holy Spirit can help us take our negative thoughts and transform them into positive ones. He can do what we, on our own, cannot do.
Next Steps:
- What is your internal dialogue about your spouse?
- What do you say to yourself about him/her?
- Is it positive or negative?
- If it is negative, why?
- What needs to happen to turn that around?
- Make a list of ways to reframe your spouse from negative to positive.
Day 2
Scriptures: Romans 2:2, James 1:5, Proverbs 8:11, Proverbs 3:13
Why We Think What We Think
Where did your views of marriage come from? As we grow up, we are exposed to a number of marriage models. Our first model is our family of origin. Think about your family of origin. How did your parents treat each other? Did they have a good relationship with each other? Did you see them value each other and serve each other?
Outside of our family of origin, we are bombarded with all kinds of marriage models. Very few movies or TV shows portray healthy marriages. Why? Because it does not sell. It’s the crazy mixed up marriages that people pay to see. The unhealthy is often made to seem very appealing.
The Proverbs often refer to wisdom as something “better than jewels,” and as something to “find,” as you might find a treasure. Wisdom is worth seeking out. But we often look for marriage wisdom in all the wrong places. It may be a destructive family of origin or friends who don’t put a positive spin on marriage. It can be the broken marriages that make the news. When we look in the wrong places we get wrong information.
As we take in that information it makes new pathways in our brains. The positive thoughts we once had of marriage turn negative. Then those negative thoughts come out in our words and our actions. The impact this has on our marriage will never give us the marriage we dream of.
This is exactly why the instruction in Romans 12:2 to “renew our mind” is so powerful. Renewed thinking transforms our perspective. Renewed thinking will also overflow into our words and actions. Instead of looking in the wrong places, look at God’s way. Renew your mind with scripture each day. Ask God for wisdom and insight, and as James 1:5 explains, He will answer.
Next Steps:
- Write out the first ten words that come into your mind when you think about your marriage today. Now circle all the positive words and put a box around the negative ones. What do you see? Where did those words first come from as they entered your mind?
- Now that they are in your mind, what paths are they creating in your brain?
- Your goal from this exercise is to eliminate the boxes and grow the circles and add new positive circles. It is reframing your marriage one word at a time.
- What is one way you can practice renewing your mind each day?
Day 3
Scriptures: Philippians 4:8, Romans 12:2
Reframing Your Thoughts
In marriage, we tend to make assumptions about our spouse. We often think of and process our assumptions as truth and then we act on them as truth. Our problem is when we think our assumptions are true although they are not.
Our spouse will do or say something that we disagree with or just don’t like. Our spouse says that they will do something and then they forget and don’t do it. You are trying to make a point with your spouse and they get distracted and do not listen to you. How do we think about these things? Do we assume our spouse had negative intentions? Or do we decide not to personalize their actions?
We have these types of decisions often. What we think will affect the decisions we make about our spouse. Philippians 4:8 exhorts us to focus on what is good, noble and excellent. Will we choose to focus on the good in our spouse? Or to fixate on their faults and flaws?
Don’t miss this: When something negative happens in your marriage, it is so important to separate the issue from your spouse.We are all human and we all have faults. Some of us have more faults than others. There will always be issues for us to deal with but they do not change who we are as husband and wife.
Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” In other words, don’t let the ways of our culture, family of origin, or anything else that is negative stay in your mind. Change your thinking. Reframe the thoughts in your mind.
I don’t think our marriages ever stand still. The thoughts you think about your spouse are the engine that drives the train. If your thoughts are positive, your marriage moves forward. If they are negative, your marriage will move backwards. If your marriage goal is an awesome marriage, you will never reach that destination if negative thoughts about your spouse and your marriage dominate your thoughts.
So it is up to you. Every day you have a choice. Positive thoughts or negative thoughts. Reframe or don’t reframe. Move your marriage forward or move it backwards. Don’t forget that God is just waiting for you to invite him in. You have a choice. Which will you choose?
Next Steps:
- How can you apply these words, “do not conform to the pattern of this world” to your marriage?
- What thoughts do you have about your spouse that need to be reframed?
- What are some of the good, noble and excellent qualities your spouse has?
- Moving forward, what thoughts about your spouse do you want to dominate your thinking?