Free to Be Me: Overcome the Comparison Trap and Discover Who God Made You to Be

Scriptures: 2 Chronicles 16:9, Joel 2:12-17, Romans 2:4

Everyone wants to be the person God created them to be. But many of us don’t feel free to be that person. We feel held back by insecurity, the opinions of others, past experiences, or a lack of knowledge about who God says we are. 

In my battle to become free to be me, I discovered that one of my most significant barriers to freedom was my relationship with what others thought of me. According to Gary Chapman’s bestselling book, The Five Love Languages, one of the primary ways I receive love is through words of affirmation. I regularly look for opportunities to get feedback on my work or affirmation of my efforts. It’s the way I receive love. 

However, there is a thin line between seeking the fulfillment of a genuine need and an unhealthy obsession. Something good can become a genuine problem. 

We all have a God-given need for affirmation. 

But our need for affirmation can turn into an unhealthy search for validation. In seeking to meet a genuine need, we give people far too much power to validate or invalidate us. We begin to look to other people for what only God can provide. 

Social media often becomes the arena where this battle takes place. Consider the following questions. Do you frequently check to see if anyone liked your post or commented on your Instagram reel? Have you repeatedly returned to a social media app, wondering, “Has anyone shared my new post yet?” 

If so, you aren’t alone. In my worst moments, I’m a mess. My brain becomes a tornado of questions. “Did I get more subscribers this week? Is my traffic up today? How was that sermon? Did anyone respond to the invitation? Sure, you said I did a good job, but why do you say that?” 

Because a genuine need for affirmation can turn into an unhealthy obsession with validation, our use of social media can have a real dark side. Sure, there are benefits to our apps. We get to learn more about other people around us. We can experience a sense of connection with people near and far. 

But we also expose ourselves to more danger than we realize. The dark side of social media is that likes, comments, shares, retweets, favorites, followers, friends, views, and subscribers become a way to measure our value rather than our profile’s performance. These so-called vanity metrics can decide the value of our work and who we are if we aren’t careful. 

Breaking an Addiction to Comparison is Not Easy

If you are wondering if you have an unhealthy relationship with the opinions of others, then you’re in the right place. Over the next five days, I would love to help you take five significant actions. 

First, I encourage you to abstain from using your social media apps while doing this plan. If social media isn’t challenging for you, consider what you might give up during these five days in order to turn down the volume on what others say about you.

Turning off your notifications or stepping away from social media could be a wise and healthy choice. This move might be painful. However, in the long run, it might change your life. Without thoughtfully and intentionally engaging these tools, they become our masters. 

I want you to know I’ve done what I’m inviting you to do. I walked away from social media for a week last summer because I noticed some unhealthy habits. My breaks have extended even longer when people I love pointed out things that I didn’t like. 

I want you to be free to be who God made you to be. That’s the purpose behind this entire plan. To do that, you need to hear from God! He wants to be the primary voice shaping how we see ourselves. We cannot become free to be the people God made us to be, while we are looking to someone or something else for what only God can give. 

When we are heartfelt in our repentance in this area, seeking God’s grace and help in creating change in our lives, God responds to our repentance and equips us with the strength to take bold steps of obedience. 

As we walk away from unhealthy sources of validation, tomorrow, we’ll examine how to identify good sources of affirmation that nourish our souls and free us to be who God made us to be.

Scriptures: Matthew 4:1-4, Romans 14:19, 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Not all sources of affirmation are created equal.

Several years ago, my wife and I had a difficult conversation. It had been long since she’d said anything complimentary about my preaching on Sundays. I told her I missed hearing about how I was doing. 

She said, “I don’t say anything because you always have a long line of people in the lobby after the service telling you how great you are. I figured you needed me to humble you more than I needed to pump you up.” 

I appreciated that my wife was sensitive to the temptation of arrogance and ego due to my role and people’s responses. However, I shared something with her that surprised her. I said, “Yes, I do get a lot of positive comments on Sundays. But no one knows me like you. Frankly, I trust your point of view more than anyone else because you know me better than everyone else.” 

I could see the light in my wife’s head as she realized I valued her view differently than she perceived. We all value the words of people differently. People who don’t know us and comment on our online posts can hurt or encourage us. But the words of someone in our family or a very close friend can help or hurt us on a much deeper level. 

In addition to abstaining from social media or whatever is distracting you from hearing from God, I also want to encourage you to evaluate the sources to whom you’re running for fulfillment.

Through evaluation, we can discern the difference between healthy affirmation and unhealthy validation. How close to you are the sources from whom you’re seeking emotional fulfillment? How much trust and history do you share with these people? 

Personally, when I realize I’m looking for people I don’t know to let me know if I’m okay, something is off. I also know something is off when I find myself looking for someone to meet a need only God can satisfy. Even when you’re in a family, a marriage, or a friendship with someone who follows Jesus and cares for you, those people are not God. They cannot meet all of your needs on this side of heaven. We turn people into idols when we look to them for what only God can give.

Jesus quoted Scripture in the wilderness during His fast and fight with the devil. In Matthew 4, He said, “Man doesn’t live by bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” 

According to the Bible, what God says about us is the truest and most important thing about us. 

So, who are the people who matter most to you? Who are the people who are most like Christ and who are committed to your good? Create regular opportunities for affirmation there. Remind them of your need for it, like I did with my wife. Ask them to pray for your battle for a healthier sense of self and a different relationship with social media. When you feel tempted to return to old ways, reach out to these people as they remind you who God says you are. Turn to what God says about you for healthy affirmation, not your apps. 

Do you know where in the Bible you can find descriptions of who God says you are? If you don’t, keep reading in this plan. When we get back together for the next reading, I’ll show you how to find those passages of Scripture and how to tune into healthy sources of affirmation.

Scriptures: Romans 7:15, Romans 8:1, Psalms 139:13-14, Ephesians 2:10

I remember the first time I left the United States, where I was born, and traveled to another country. 

While walking through a market on the way to a restaurant, I saw items for sale with expensive brand labels, but the prices were meager. As I talked to my new friends who lived in this country, I discovered that that brand did not make the items for sale. They were not genuine; they were knock-offs. As a result, they would only last for a short time or work as well as authentic items. 

The same principle applies to the wrong sources of affirmation in our lives. When we turn to people for what only God can give, we aren’t satisfied. When we look to people who only know us online for what the people closest to us are not sharing, we end up with unhealthy relationships. 

As someone who battled insecurity from my late teens into my thirties, I had to discover what the Bible said about who I am in God’s eyes if I had any hope of finding a healthier sense of self. I read Romans 7:14-25 and felt like Paul was in my head. His words perfectly described my attempts to succeed and my consistent failures. Nevertheless, I was blown away by what I read in Romans 8 as he explained how he became victorious in those battles by claiming and developing his God-given identity. 

Later, I read through Ephesians 1 and circled every reference to “in Christ.” Those statements overwhelmed me with a new picture of myself. I read through Paul’s summary of the Gospel in Ephesians 2 and was in awe when I read, “For you are God’s masterpiece.” Then, I read Psalm 139 about how well God knows me, and I felt seen and loved in a whole new way. 

Once you’ve started fasting from unhealthy sources of affirmation (like social media and stats) and evaluating where you’re looking for fulfillment, recognize that you’re turning down the noise long enough for you actually to hear from God. 

Thirdly, as part of this plan, please start tuning in to healthy sources of soul renewal.

I have found that God rarely shouts over our lives’ noise and frantic pace. Like He did in His encounter with Elijah on Mt. Horeb, recorded in 1 Kings 19, God does not speak through winds, earthquakes, or fires. God’s voice is found in the whisper. If life is always loud, fast, and chaotic, it can be easy to miss God’s whisper. 

So, if what God says about you is the truest thing about you, how do you tune in so you can hear what God is saying? Start by reading what the Bible records regarding your identity in Christ. I’ve already mentioned Psalm 139, Romans 8, and Ephesians 1-2. Those would be great places to start. 

Once you’ve found Bible verses that describe what God says about you, list them and put them in a place you can find quickly. You could put that list in your wallet, add it to a note on your phone, or paste it into a journal you use daily. 

Additionally, you can store these reminders in a place that cannot be lost—your mind! Memorize the passages of Scripture that communicate your identity in Christ. For instance, I memorized Romans 8:1 because I constantly condemned myself when I failed or fell short of my insanely high expectations. There, Paul wrote, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” 

One of my friends recorded himself reading passages like this so he could listen to them as a voice memo on his phone when he felt insecure or under attack and condemnation. 

You can make real progress as you fill your mind with the truth of what God says about you. Tomorrow, I will share what one of my favorite childhood movies taught me about my identity in Christ long before using social media was even an option.

Scriptures: Romans 8:1, Romans 8:37-39, John 10:1-3, John 10:11, John 10:14

I love the movie Cool Runnings. Growing up, The Sandlot and Cool Runnings were two of my favorite movies. 

In Cool Runnings, we follow the story of the first Jamaican bobsled team to compete in the 1988 Winter Olympics held in Calgary, Alberta – a province of Canada. As a kid, I loved sports movies! This one had humor, competition, and an inspiring storyline. 

While there are countless memorable lines in the movie, I think about one scene more often than the others. The scene depicts a conversation between Derice Bannock (captain of the bobsled team) and the team’s coach, Irv Blitzer (played by a famous actor named John Candy). 

During the scene, Derice shares his disappointment upon learning that his coach cheated when he was an Olympic athlete many years earlier. Coach Blitzer had won at the Olympics previously, but he cheated in a different Olympic competition. The United States Olympic Committee banned Blitzer from competing for or coaching on the USA team in the future. 

Blitzer tries to warn Derice, who is passionately pursuing a gold medal. The coach counsels his first-time Olympian with these words: “If you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”

Those words are so powerful. If Derice weren’t enough without a gold medal, he would never be enough with it. Blitzer would know as he wasn’t enough with one gold medal – he needed more! 

I wonder—what is your “it?” As you’ve gone through this plan, what have you discovered to be the thing you’re looking for that only God can give? 

Once you have the answer to that question, why don’t you complete the sentence below by filling in the blanks? 

“If I’m not enough without ________, I’ll never be enough with ________.”

If you’re not enough without a spouse, you’ll never be enough with a spouse. If you’re not enough without your parent’s approval, you’ll never be sufficient with their approval. If you’re not enough without 10,000 followers, viral posts, the admiration of other people, that promotion at work, or a million dollars in your retirement fund, then you’ll never be enough with those things. 

Do you believe that if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it? 

Friend, we’ll never arrive at enough followers, friends, or subscribers if we aren’t enough based on who God says we are. What happens on social media cannot satisfy our souls. 

In John 10, Jesus told His disciples, “The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.” A few verses later, Jesus continued, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” 

Jesus knows your name. He calls you by name and laid down His life for you because He loves you. That’s why you’re enough. You are enough because you are known and loved by your Creator and Savior. Pastor and author Derwin Gray profoundly says, “If Jesus knowing your name is not enough, then the whole world knowing your name will never be enough.” 

I hope you’ll spend time today chewing on what you’ve been looking for to feel like you’re enough and how Jesus says you are enough. Tomorrow, we’ll wrap up this plan by considering when and how to re-engage with social media and how you’ll continue to live out with freedom, confidence, and joy!

Scriptures: Joshua 1:8, Psalms 77:12, Isaiah 26:3, Ephesians 2:4-9

The end of nearly every fast and every perfect vacation is the same for me. I wonder, “Do I have to go back?” When I’ve had an excellent fast experience, I pause before re-engaging the thing from which I’ve been fasting. When my wife and I went on a memorable anniversary vacation last year, I missed my children, but I wondered, “Can we just stay here and keep doing this thing?” 

If you’ve been off social media for a few days, you might be feeling like this. Do you want to extend your break from the apps? The benefits of a few days without social media can be profound, so imagine the potential of a few weeks. My friends attended a church that did a 40-day digital fast last year, and the stories they shared with me were incredible. Even when they came back to their devices again, their relationship with them had changed permanently. 

Please ask yourself some questions about how things are going.

-What have you learned from your break so far? 

-What do you miss? What were you happy without? 

-How have you heard God speaking to you during your break and through this reading plan? 

-What have you been looking to give what can only God give you? 

-Who must you talk to about what you’ve been discovering? 

I don’t have absolute answers to whether you should be active on social media or how you choose to use it. But regardless of the devices and apps you choose to engage with, I want to encourage you to consider adopting a new practice. 

I want to encourage you to begin preaching the Gospel to yourself every day.

I hope you’re involved in a local church where you hear the Gospel every week. However, hearing the Gospel for one hour per week is not enough when living 168 hours per week. We need to hear and remember the Gospel every day! 

My wife once had a professor who shared with the class about his struggle with body image. He had battled profound insecurity due to his challenges with his weight. One day, he realized he was in a spiritual battle, not just a physical one. As a result, he had a crazy idea. “What if I began my days by meditating on what God says about me?” 

Each morning, he began standing in front of his mirror before he got dressed. He would look at himself and quote verses from Psalm 139, Romans 8, and Ephesians 1-2. He would remind himself that God loved him so much that he sent Jesus into the world so that he could have an everlasting life. He would state that he was a masterpiece and God’s beloved son. Saying these words didn’t make his weight magically get smaller, but preaching the Gospel to himself changed how this man saw himself. 

What if you did something similar? What if you added a moment to your daily routine when you reminded yourself what God says about you? Before the world tells you what it thinks about you, you need to hear from the God who knows your name.

Changing your relationship with comparison begins with tuning in to who God says you are. Each day, as you meditate on God’s word, God has the power to transform how you see yourself and what you believe about who you are. 

One day, by God’s grace, I am confident that you will be able to say the following words with complete honesty – “What God says about me is the truest thing about me.” Since Jesus knows you better than anyone else and loves you more than everyone else, I pray that you lean into what He says and live out the freedom He offers. May you be free to be who God says you are!