Losing a loved one can shake you to your very core. It can cause you to question everyone and everything around you, even God. Oftentimes, we’re taught to hide these tough questions and ugly emotions, but God wants us to bring them to Him instead. This devotional unpacks the 5 stages of grief while providing insights and practical tools to foster healing.
Entrusted Women
Day 1
Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, Matthew 5:4
Introduction
Psychiatrist Dr. Colin Murray says, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” I must say that I agree. Because of grief, I’ve resolved at times never to open my heart again. Because of grief, I’ve built up walls and distanced myself from others. Because of grief, I’ve refused to grow.
I thank God that there is a better way. I thank God that in His infinite wisdom, the very thing I despise can be used to draw me closer to Him and transform me into the likeness of His Son. I thank God that because of Him, my grief can be used for my good.
Matthew 5:4 (ESV) gives us a promise that “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.” I had read this verse many times but would often discount the condition found in the statement. In order for God to comfort us, we must mourn. We must take the time to allow ourselves to grieve.
I’ll be the first to admit that grieving doesn’t feel good. However, it can be good. It can be used for my good. It can be used to bring glory to God. I’ve found that when I make the conscious decision to lean into my grief, God is right there waiting to catch me. Oftentimes, I’m working to circumvent this process through avoidance, denial, and self-medication. This only delays the inevitable. We must go through grief to get to healing and wholeness. Grief is the place where God meets us.
Over the next several days, I invite you to unpack not only the stages of grief but also the lessons they carry. Together, we’ll spend time in God’s word while discovering tools and exercises to not only survive loss but thrive in the midst of it. Let’s get started.
“For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what has been planted;
A time to kill, a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 (ESV)
“Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”
Matthew 5:4 (ESV)
Day 2
Scriptures: Isaiah 61:2-3, Romans 8:38-39, John 14:16, John 14:26
Confronting Denial
During grief counseling I was introduced to the phrase “new normal.” This phrase seemed like an oxymoron. How could something “new” be considered “normal?” And what is normal about living the rest of life on earth without your loved one physically present? When questions like these arise, denial almost seems like a safe haven. It can be hard to admit that someone is no longer living.
Confronting denial is painful. It’s like opening the blinds to a dark room in the middle of the day. It can be blinding and definitely takes some getting used to. Hence, the phrase “new normal.” Confronting denial means acknowledging that something has changed and will no longer be the same. Confronting denial means making room to experience God in a different way.
God in His sovereignty sent the Holy Spirit, the Ultimate Comforter, to dwell with us. He knew we would need someone to help us navigate through the highs and lows of life one step at a time. When we invite the Holy Spirit into our daily lives, we begin to truly experience God’s comfort. He consoles us and envelopes us with His loving presence. He reminds us of His word which sustains us from day to day.
Apart from salvation, our greatest promise from God is that He will never leave nor forsake us. As followers of Jesus Christ, we can withstand anything life throws at us because we know that God is with us. God’s comfort doesn’t change our reality, but it does give us the courage to face it. I’m learning that on the other side of denial is a life that may look and feel different, but it can be beautiful nonetheless. As you grieve, God is reaching out to you. Will you take His hand?
“…to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion –
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
Isaiah 61:2-3 (NIV)
“And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, to be with you forever…The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”
John 14:16, 26 (ESV)
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39 (ESV)
Day 3
Scriptures: Psalms 4:4-5, Psalms 62:8, Isaiah 55:8-9
Rising Above Anger
The grieving process has good days. The grieving process has bad days. And the grieving process has downright ugly days. On those ugly days, anger often rears its head.
Let’s be clear. Anger is a natural emotion. In some cases, our anger can even be righteous. Yet the Bible clearly commands us to “Be angry, but do not sin.” This means that we will inevitably experience the emotion of anger. What’s most important is how we respond when that emotion arises. Being angry does not give us permission to act out of character. Being angry does not give us permission to lash out. Being angry does not give us permission us to sin.
And so the question becomes, “What are we supposed to do with our anger?” “As a Christian, how should we respond when we become angry?” This is where the gift of having a personal relationship with God comes into play. Through His word, He invites us to come and pour out our hearts to Him. How amazing is it that we can come to a perfect and holy God in the midst of feeling such an ugly emotion. We don’t need to clean ourselves up or get ourselves together first because let’s face it, we can’t! Only God can clean us up and put us back together again. That’s why we need Jesus. And that’s why our works will never suffice. It’s only by God’s grace that we are made healthy and whole.
So, what does it look like to come to God and pour out your heart to Him? It looks like being honest with Him about how you are feeling. You may have heard the phrase “Vent Up” in the workplace or organizations with a leadership hierarchy. This applies to the Kingdom of God as well. Bringing your anger to God is the ultimate example of venting up. You can’t go any higher than Him! And honestly, He’s the only one who can do anything about our anger. Having a personal relationship with God allows us to trust Him with every aspect of who we are. We don’t have to put on airs or present ourselves to Him in a certain way to be loved and accepted. He loves us on our good days. He loves us on our bad days. And most importantly, He loves us on our downright ugly days.
I’ve found that when I bring my anger to God, He gives me His perspective. As He extends grace and compassion to me, He helps me extend grace and compassion to others. And for every inexplicable question I bring, He exchanges it for insight regarding His wisdom and sovereignty. I may never fully understand all of the “whys” I bring to God, but I am learning to rest in the fact that He knows the end from the beginning and everything in between. I’m learning to trust that God’s ways are higher and better than mine. He sees and sews it all into a beautiful tapestry. When anger arises, will you choose to seek God’s way over your own desires and questions?
“Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds,
and be silent.
Selah.
Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the Lord.”
Psalm 4:4-5 (ESV)
“Trust in him at all times,
O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge to us.
Selah.”
Psalm 62:8 (ESV)
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)
Day 4
Scriptures: Job 42:2-3, John 3:30
Abandoning Bargaining
Bargaining can be defined as negotiating terms to make a deal or an agreement. During the grieving process, we often try to make deals with ourselves or God as if we have the power to change our circumstances. The reality is we have no power. We have no control. Apart from God, we can do nothing.
The art of negotiating is built upon several assumptions, one of which is that both parties are equal or at least stand to gain something from one another. Here’s where the challenge comes in regarding God. God is all-sufficient. He doesn’t need anything from anyone. It’s His love for us that created the desire for Him to want to be in relationship with each of us. Sometimes we mistake God’s loving kindness for neediness and deceive ourselves into thinking we can offer something to the God who owns it all.
We begin creating unrealistic scenarios and making impossible promises to God in hopes that they will bring back those we have lost. We attempt to put ourselves on equal footing with a God who has no equals. We run to pride instead of clinging to humility. Why? Because humility is painful. Humility is uncomfortable. Humility reminds us that we need God, but God doesn’t need us and where does that leave us? It leaves us at His mercy.
When we put aside the illusion of bargaining with an eternal God we are left with the reality that we cannot change the past, or the future for that matter. We have no control over our lives or circumstances. However, the sooner we are willing to acknowledge this truth, the sooner we begin to seek the one who is in control of our lives and circumstances.
Humility keeps us dependent upon God and puts us in a position to receive from God. We’re able to receive His love, His strength, His grace, His peace, His joy, and so much more. We realize that we don’t have to haggle with a God who freely wants to bless us with more than we could ever fathom. God wants more than just to meet us halfway. God has already gone the full distance by reclaiming our lives from the pit of hell and clothing us in righteousness.
Humility brings us to the end of ourselves and reminds us that God is infinitely bigger and greater. We need more of Him to make it through each day and to become like His son Jesus. When we abandon bargaining, we stop negotiating and start kneeling at the feet of the God who owns it all, knows it all, and does it all.
“I know that you can do all things,
And that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore, I have uttered what I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
Job 42:2-3 (ESV)
“He must increase, I must decrease.”
John 3:30 (ESV)
Some would say I could have been a professional negotiator. I specialize in the art of finding “Win-Win” solutions. I may not be able to make everyone happy or fully meet their expectations, but I strive to at least meet you halfway. This can be considered a good life and even marketplace skill. Unfortunately, this skill does not apply to my relationship with God.
The art of negotiating is built upon several assumptions, one of which is that both parties are equal or at least stand to gain something from one another. Here’s where the challenge comes in regarding God. God is all-sufficient. He doesn’t need anything from anyone. It’s His love for us that created the desire for Him to want to be in a relationship with each of us. Sometimes, we mistake God’s loving kindness for neediness and deceive ourselves into thinking we can offer something to the God who owns it all.
We begin creating unrealistic scenarios and making impossible promises to God in hopes that they will bring back those we have lost. We attempt to put ourselves on equal footing with a God who has no equals. We run to pride instead of clinging to humility. Why? Because humility is painful. Humility is uncomfortable. Humility reminds us that we need God, but God doesn’t need us and where does that leave us? It leaves us at His mercy.
When we put aside the illusion of bargaining with an eternal God, we are left with the reality that we cannot change the past, or the future, for that matter. We have no control over our lives or circumstances. However, the sooner we are willing to acknowledge this truth, the sooner we begin to seek the one who is in control of our lives and circumstances. Will you stop negotiating and start kneeling?
Day 5
Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 12:9, Hebrews 10:24-25, Proverbs 11:14
Safeguarding Depression
Depression can sneak up on us. We invite it in for coffee and before we know it depression has moved into our spare bedroom. If we give depression an inch it will take a mile. I’m not saying we can or even should completely circumvent the stage of depression when it comes to grieving. But I am saying we should be cognizant of how we engage with depression.
Let’s take a moment to unpack the difference between sadness and depression. Sadness is a normal and healthy emotion that comes and goes in life. Depression is defined as a mood disorder that can not only affect how we feel, but also how we think and live. This is why we must carefully monitor our experiences with depression. There’s no doubt grieving impacts how we feel, think, and live. This is why it’s such a process. It’s when this particular stage of grief becomes extended and increasingly disheartening that we need to safeguard our depression.
What does it look like to put guardrails around our depression? It looks like remaining in community even during our darkest most dire times. Community doesn’t mean letting any and every one into our lives, but it does look like surrounding ourselves with a close circle of friends and family we can trust. It does look like accepting godly counsel. As Christians, we often consider seeking out support for our mental and emotional wellbeing to be a sign of weakness. However, asking for help is one of the strongest things we can do. Admitting we need help releases God to strengthen us. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Today I invite you to safeguard your depression. I challenge you to embrace community found in the body of Christ and reach out when you feel like shrinking back. I challenge you to seek godly counsel and ask for help. Depression is a part of the grieving process, but you don’t have to experience it alone.
“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV)
“Where this is no guidance, a people falls,
But in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”
Proverbs 11:14 (ESV)
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)
Day 6
Scriptures: Job 1:21, John 12:24-25, Hebrews 12:2, Proverbs 3:5-6
Accepting Acceptance
Acceptance can be quite the dichotomy. On one hand, it means having to concede or give up. While on the other hand, it means gaining approval or access. Honestly, acceptance is about both. The kingdom of God shows us the two are connected. We cannot win without first losing. And we cannot experience true life without first embracing death.
Jesus modeled acceptance in the Garden of Gethsemane. He wrestled with submitting to the will of God and chose to surrender. He chose what God wanted over His own desires. He chose to suffer and die on a cross so that we could have access to God and eternal life. I’m so grateful that Jesus showed us how to accept acceptance.
Acceptance means lifting up open hands to a sovereign God in total and complete surrender. Acceptance is not only letting go of the past but also receiving whatever the future may hold. When it comes to grief, acceptance means loving hard but holding people loosely because they don’t belong to us. They are merely gifts given by God that He allows to grace our lives for however long He chooses. It’s by His grace that we get to see again in eternity those who die in Christ. Acceptance means thanking and honoring God for those He has and will allow us to love.
Once we’ve made peace with the fact that we cannot change the past and have no control over the future, we understand why today is called the present. We begin to experience the abundant life by walking in gratitude and taking nothing for granted. We learn how to stay in the moment and acknowledge the finite. Acceptance teaches us to celebrate the past, treasure the present, and surrender the future. Acceptance teaches us to trust God and allow Him to direct our pathway forward. Will you accept acceptance?
“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”
John 12:24-25 (NIV)
“…Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:2 (ESV)
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
Naked I’ll return to the womb of the earth.
God gives, God takes.
God’s name be ever blessed.”
Job 1:21 (ESV)
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
When my mother passed away, I was surrounded by an outpouring of love and support from my friends, family, and church. It was almost overwhelming at times. I was blown away by the countless people who reached out with food, money, or an encouraging word. And then there were those that were eager to jump in, wrap their arms around me, and just hold me. Don’t get me wrong, I needed to be held. But at times, I felt like I was cheating on my mom. This may sound weird, but at times, I felt like the very people God sent to comfort me were trying to take my mom’s place. And trust me, I wasn’t going to let that happen. NO ONE could take the place of my mom. And so, at times, I found myself pushing people away. Somehow I felt like my accepting love and support from others was erasing the memory of my mom and I wanted, I needed to hold on to her as much as possible.
It’s taken years for me to learn that I can embrace the love and support of others without losing sight of who my mom was and continues to be in my life. In a way, my pushing people away or distancing myself from them was a part of my still denying she was gone. I was protecting this place in my life thinking she could still occupy it here in the earth. But she couldn’t. My mom was gone but I still needed people to love and care for me in the natural. I had to accept that this would, could, and should look different moving forward.
There goes that word ”Accept.” I have a love-hate relationship with acceptance. It makes me feel like I have to concede or give up. I hate losing. I hate loss. But closed hands can’t receive. If I’m so busy holding on to what was, I’m in no position to receive all that is to come. Acceptance means loving hard, but holding people loosely because they don’t belong to us. They are merely gifts given by God that He allows to grace our lives for however long He chooses. It’s by His grace that we get to see those who die in Christ again in eternity.
Acceptance means opening up our hands in appreciation of those He has and will allow us to love. Loving without reserve affords us the opportunity to entrust our hearts to the one who makes and mends them.
Day 7
Scriptures: Psalms 56:8, Isaiah 43:2
Conclusion
I’d love to say that by the time you finish this devotional, you will be cured of all heartbreak and pain. I can’t. I wish I could put a time limit on grief but there isn’t one. There is no formula for the grieving process; only an opportunity to grow our faith.
The stages of grief aren’t linear. They are slow, abrupt, sporadic, cyclical, and interwoven all at the same time. They can occur and reoccur with each season of life. They look and feel different as we experience new milestones and challenges. We cannot rush through them or wish them away. Each stage is an invitation for us to grow, learn, and heal. Each stage is an opportunity for us to seek God.
My prayer is that with each stage of grief, you would lean into the One who loves You with an everlasting love. God truly is the only constant we have both in this life and the next. His presence is the greatest gift we could ever behold. I’m so grateful that He wants us to bring every thought, emotion, and question to Him. I’m so grateful that He meets us in our grief.
I pray that wherever you are in the grieving process, you will take hold of God’s hand. He longs to help us through each and every day. Whether we realize it or not, it is He who has and continues to carry us every step of the way. Selah.
“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered into your ledger,
Each ache written in your book.”
Psalm 56:8 (Msg.)
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,
And the flame shall not consume you.”
Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)