Grief is hard to understand or explain. When I lost my husband, it was like combining sadness and loneliness with anxiety over what tomorrow would bring and fear of how I could possibly handle it all. If you find yourself struggling with grief, know you’re not alone. As I share in my novel The Shell Collector, God is always with us through pain and will help us navigate the path.
WaterBrook Multnomah
Day 1
Scriptures: Matthew 5:4, Psalms 147:3
Finding Support in the Sorrow
Heartbreak is a wound, but it won’t crush your spirit.
Like any wound, a heartbreak takes time to heal. Initially, it’s nearly impossible to escape the pain. It’s raw and tender, but as time passes, the wound does heal. It changes shape and texture. You remember what caused the pain, but it doesn’t hurt like it did when it first happened.
Just as two people with a broken arm will heal at a different pace, grief isn’t one-size-fits-all. But we can nurture the process by clearing the noise. By praying. By knowing and believing that the pain we are feeling will not crush our spirits—just as God promises in His word. I’ve definitely found comfort in these types of promises in the Bible. In fact, the two Scripture passages from today’s devotion are practically smudged in my Bible from my looking back at them so many times.
When I lost my husband, I was blessed to have a wonderful support system. A dear friend of mine showed up at the house and stayed with me. She didn’t ask—she just took action. She didn’t impose, didn’t push, but was just there for me. Her husband was kind enough to let her leave him behind to be with me, and she stayed for nearly two months. It was hard to see her go, but it did buy me some time before I had to face things on my own. I was listening earnestly for God’s voice, but it wasn’t until she left that I really heard Him and acted on what He was saying. In tomorrow’s devotion, I’ll share more about those actions, but before I do that, I want to really hone in on those early emotions and experiences that feel like they will break you first.
In my experience, the grief was harder when the second year rolled around. By then, other people had put the loss behind them, but I was experiencing firsts and missing my husband more than ever. I hadn’t expected that. Not a single person warned me that the second year would be harder, and it really caught me off-balance. I cried more, and the loss would hit me at the most random times.
My life has taken so many turns since then. Unexpected paths have brought newfound joys, and although I will always miss my husband, I have a very different happiness now that is just as special. My walk with God has become stronger, and for that reward alone, I can’t deny that there were blessings in that journey.
Heavenly Father, thank you for always being with us and guiding us through the valleys of shadows. For those who are walking their own path of loss or grief, I pray you will show yourself clearly to them so they will know they are not alone. Strengthen them and help them to be brave when facing the seemingly hard or impossible. And help them to trust you and embrace the new experiences that you have prepared in advance for them. Amen.
Day 2
Scripture: Psalms 48:14
Finding Your Own Path
It’s your loss. Your way.
Grief isn’t a process. Sure, you can search the internet and come up with stages, steps, and ways to cope, but the reality is that there isn’t a right way to deal with grief. It’s different for everyone, so whatever you’re feeling today, it’s okay.
But if you are looking for advice from someone who’s been there, I would encourage you to hit your knees and pray for guidance. Prayer should be the first thing you reach for, not the last when you’re already crumpled in a heap. Although when you’re in that position, pray like there’s no tomorrow!
Everyone will be quick to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in this time of loss, but your path is already set by God, and only He can keep you moving in the right direction.
And speaking of directions, you’ve probably read and heard a hundred times that—when faced with the loss of a spouse—you should refrain from making any big decisions for at least a year. Am I right?
I’m sure friends and family thought I was off my rocker when less than six months after my husband’s death, I closed the door on the home we’d shared and moved to North Carolina. I didn’t sell the house, but I did leave it behind until I could deal with it. There were so many memories there. My husband and I had renovated the house ourselves and seeing every bad sheetrock seam, crooked window, and rookie mistake that we had made in the process broke my heart. Leaving it behind gave me the distance I needed not to wallow in those things, but to remember the good parts of sharing that experience.
Not only did I make the major purchase of a new home, but I also took early retirement from a career that had put me in a very comfortable lifestyle for twenty years in order to follow my heart and write full-time. True, writing novels is not exactly a secure career path, and at the time, friends voiced their concerns about that decision. But here’s the thing, I felt an incredible pull to do something. Life seemed incredibly fragile, and I wanted whatever time I had left to be meaningful, not just work. I prayed. I listened. And it was with great clarity and assurance that God led me to make those decisions.
Yes, to someone else watching it play out, it looked a little crazy, but I trusted God and He has since taken me on the most amazing journey. I’ve experienced new things and blessings have flowed. Through it all, He has been my guiding light.
Now before you buy a new house or change careers, remember what I said at the start. Your journey may not look like mine, but—just like I did—you might realize that whatever you had planned might not be God’s plan for you. Walking through and recovering from grief will be different for everyone, and my story will not necessarily be yours—nor should it be. I only share it in the hopes that it will be a comfort to you on your own path. A living example from someone who has suffered one of the most difficult experiences imaginable and has come out the other side, still praising the One Who carried her through it.
Heavenly Father, thank you for knowing what each of us are going through and for caring about every one of our different stories. Thank you for guiding us on the unique paths we are facing and for never leaving us. For anyone who is seeking wisdom, comfort, or direction today, I pray you would speak to their hearts and make your plan known. Help us to learn to listen well and to trust you, even when following you looks or feels a little crazy. Amen.
Day 3
Scriptures: Proverbs 3:6, Jeremiah 29:11
Finding Joy in Him
I’d always considered myself a Christian, but my husband didn’t have feelings one or another about God, so it wasn’t something we talked about. We didn’t get married in a church, and we never attended church together.
When he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, we knew right away our time together was coming to an end. I prayed a lot during that time. I focused on making Mike’s last days as good as they could possibly be. I wanted to take care of him. I used every bit of will and strength I had to stay positive and hopeful for him.
When he was no longer there to care for, it was like my whole world skidded to a stop.
Eventually, I got rid of those things I’d threatened to get rid of while he was still alive, like the socks with holes in them. It’s taken six years, but I finally donated the rest of his clothes a few months ago. I wasn’t ready until just recently to let go of them. What works for you is what you should do. No matter how long that takes.
I also didn’t go to church for a long time. I’d watch what I lovingly referred to as “jammy church” (church on television that I could watch in my pajamas or DVR and watch when it was convenient). I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that I was missing out. “Where two or more are gathered…” Yeah, I was missing out on all of that. Plus, is all the convenience truly putting God first?
But after Mike’s passing, my walk with God changed dramatically. Slowly I got more comfortable praying again, and I did it out loud. I made time to stop and listen for His guidance. For years, I suffered from anxiety to the point of panic attacks. I was afraid that I might slip back under the stress, but the more I turned to Him, the easier it became to let go of the worry.
I walk with God first and foremost now. He is number one in my life, and everything else lines up behind Him. My anxiety is low, and joy dances in my heart every day. I’ve found a church I love, and my church family and friends have strengthened my faith in such powerful ways. It has also given me an opportunity to share my experience of grief with others so that I might help them bear the weight of their own losses a little more easily. Yes, everything about my life changed after I lost my husband, but there were unexpected blessings amid the pain, and for that, I am so grateful.
Heavenly Father, thank you for writing our stories much better than we ever could. When plans don’t go our way or situations don’t turn out as we’d hoped, please help us to trust that you have something better in mind, even and especially when it doesn’t feel like it. When pain and suffering seem to last much longer than a night, show us glimpses of your joy and blessings that will come with the morning. Amen.
Day 4
Scriptures: John 14:27, Jeremiah 31:13
Finding Treasures Along the Way
Friends mean well, but they often don’t know what to say. When that happens, seek peace in His word.
I want to share the most special gift I received as a new widow with you because I think it proves that something that costs absolutely nothing, can mean everything.
Two of my author friends, one in Kentucky and one in Georgia, put a call out to friends and readers of my books letting them know that I’d lost my husband. They solicited short notes of support from them. They printed out each message and rolled them individually into little scrolls that were then wrapped in pretty scrapbooking paper and tied with a pretty ribbon. They placed all those colorful scrolls in a decorative treasure box and presented them to me.
I read a couple of the messages on the day I received the box. It touched me so deeply that I could only read a couple at a time. I don’t think I read any more for about three months. Some were from people I’d never met. Others were from close friends, but every single one was so full of love. That treasure box became a lifeline. When I was hurting, I’d pull a message out and find strength. I still turn to them when I need a lift and pray to Him with gratitude in my heart. It feels as though no matter how many times I go back to those messages, there’s something new with the most perfectly timed message in it.
I hope you receive your own version of a treasure box filled with encouraging messages. It might not be in the form of little notes scrolled beneath beautiful ribbons, but whether it’s a book of devotions, a calendar with pretty flowers, or a photo album of memories, I pray that you will find comfort and peace from those around you. As read these devotionals, write down the words that click for you. Turn to them when you need reassurance and hope.
Another unexpected treasure that has brought me much comfort is the little plaque I placed on my dresser so I’d see it first thing each morning. It reads, “Good Morning, this is God. I’ll be handling all your problems today. Your help is not needed—so, have a good day! I love you!” I’ve moved three times since then, but that dime-store plaque is still sitting on my dresser.
When navigating grief, we are forced to fight worry, sorrow, fear, and anger. It’s not easy. But one of my favorite sayings is, “Interrupt worry with gratitude.” Isn’t that poetic? People will tell you to stop worrying, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. You have to interrupt worry to truly stop it, and gratitude is the way to do that. I’d challenge you to jot down three things you’re grateful for right now, so the next time worry attacks you, you can whip out that list and interrupt it. You’ll be grateful for that list. Believe me.
Heavenly Father, sprinkle Your joy and hope like shells along the seashore for us to collect and cherish. Your love is bigger than anything else, and we treasure it, along with the sacrifices you’ve made for us. Let us see the beauty in the gifts and favors brought forth during this difficult time. Put the right people in our paths when we are hurting, and lift us so that we confidently share our gifts. May your light shine upon us, relieve the sorrow, and highlight our way along the path you have planned. Enable us to recognize the opportunity to touch others who might benefit from the same. Stronger in Your Word each day—Amen.
Day 5
Scripture: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Finding Companions on the Journey
When you are grieving, you feel like your strength is being sapped and you might wonder if the wearying sorrow will ever be over.
What I can tell you from experience is that the loss never goes away, but the sharp edges do become less like broken glass and more like smooth river rock. Something you can still see and feel, but more pleasantly experience.
You might be surprised to find that comforting others in a similar situation will bring you comfort as well.
Put yourself out there. Be the first to say hello. I can’t even begin to count how many widows have been on my path since I lost my husband. I wish I’d kept count because it seems like they are funneling into my GPS!
Recently, I dropped into a store I used to frequent when my husband was alive. I didn’t have anything I needed to purchase, so I was just sort of wandering through the store reminiscing. I was only half looking at the sale items heaped upon the back racks when I noticed a woman looking at a set of steel mixing bowls. I’d just picked them up, too. They were such a great deal, but the last thing I needed was another set of bowls cluttering my cabinets.
I turned to the woman and said, “I almost couldn’t resist those. They really are a great deal.” The woman looked up and laughed. “I’m tempted, but I promised my children I wouldn’t buy another thing. My husband just passed. They said I need to wait and see what my finances are like. Boy, what a mess.”
My heart filled with compassion. The sorrow that was in my own heart that very moment scooted over as we engaged in conversation. It was a delightful discussion. Just the two of us sharing our experiences—the good and the bad of widowhood. As we said our goodbyes, she gave me a big hug and thanked me. I still remember her saying, “God bless you” as I walked away, and my thinking, Yes, yes He has.
I never saw that woman again, but I’ll remember her forever. I feel quite certain she feels the same way wherever she is today. I’ve had so many similar experiences since then. Now that it’s been several years since I lost my husband, it’s much easier to bring up. However, it still shocks me when I mention it and whoever I’m speaking to admits having just suffered a loss of her own. In those moments, I know God is smiling down on the two of us, watching us both heal and praise Him for bringing us together.
God bless you.
Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing others into my life in this difficult season. Your word and many blessings offer me strength and bring me peace. Please help me focus on how grateful I am for the time I had with my husband, and allow me to feel those memories with a smile in my heart. I pray that you’ll use me to help others in a similar way along this journey. I humbly listen for your guidance. Amen.