Healing Well And Living Free

Healing Well, Living Free

Scripture: Proverbs 23:18

I used to think that abusers were those scary-looking people in prison mug shots whose cold, blank stares send a chill down your spine. When I married my tall, dark, and handsome heartthrob, I practically levitated as I walked down the aisle. The thought that three years later he’d pick me up like a rag doll and throw me against the headboard of our bed was inconceivable to me. No way, not me. Not him. Not us. 

What I didn’t realize is that my experience was textbook in many ways. I minimized the verbal, emotional, and physical assaults, calling them everything and anything but abuse. I was not a victim, and he was not an abuser. I believed I could love him into wellness. But until you call it what it is, you’re going to call it what it’s not. I did just that.

If you’re anything remotely like me, you may be doing the same thing, saying things like, “We have a communication problem,” “We need to learn how to resolve conflict better,” or “We’re just going through a stressful time.” These are just a few of the erroneous phrases I used to minimize the abuse I was enduring—and ones I commonly hear when working with clients who have experienced abuse from their intimate partners.

I don’t intend to advise you on whether or not to remain in your relationship. You alone can decide that. I do want to share with you that you can heal—and not just heal but heal well. Healing well is the precursor to living free. As a woman of deep faith, I believe we were created for freedom. Abuse in marriage is the kryptonite to freedom. Abuse, regardless of how it manifests itself, will destroy the trust and, in the end, can destroy the relationship. More importantly, it can destroy you, and you matter.

There is life after abuse. But to heal well and live free, you must choose to do so. It won’t just happen. It will take effort and commitment on your part. It may be the hardest thing you ever do. But from my own experience I can tell you: it’s worth it.

Do you believe it’s possible for you to heal well from the pain you have experienced in your relationship? Why or why not? Do you believe you are worthy of finding healing? Why or why not?

The First Step

Scripture: Psalm 37:3-5

Authentic healing from an abusive relationship begins with telling your story. When you tell your story, even to yourself, you’re taking an honest inventory of where you are, how you have changed, and how living a secret life behind closed doors has altered you. Telling your story gives you power over it and eventually allows you to make peace with it. 

Your story is incredibly significant. And so are you. That may be a tough statement for you to believe right now. Abuse has a way of blinding us to our own value. When we experience abuse, our tendency is to withdraw into a dark, private corner, fearful that anyone may further hurt us. 

At this point, you may feel as if you have little belief left in you. How can you believe in anything when you are broken and empty, with no energy left to imagine life can ever get better? Or maybe you’re wondering if you will ever feel joy, peace, or happiness again. How can you believe in a life after abuse? For now, know that I believe in you. And in time, you can learn to believe in yourself. Until then, believe in my belief.

If I could sit down with you today, I would encourage you with this: it’s time to tell your story, at least to yourself. You’re ready.

One of my clients put it this way: “Now that I’ve begun to talk with you about my story and write about it, I no longer feel like a character in somebody else’s story. I used to see my husband as so much larger than life. I thought someday books would be written about him, and I’d be ‘his wife.’ I’m only beginning to understand that my story is mine.” 

In my own life, God used what felt like a personal failure to bring about something beautiful. My children and I are a living testimony to the fact that not only do miracles happen, but they are also not intended to be kept in a box for ourselves. By telling our stories, we can discover that our pain has purpose. 

Begin writing your story. You might include details about how you met, what attracted you to him, when your relationship changed or had warning signs, or times when you realized he was abusive.

The Big Secret

Scripture: Psalm 22:24

Abusers need secrecy to cloak their actions and their dual lives. They are Mr. Wonderful in the public eye but Mr. Monster at home. 

In my own life, I was enamored with Ben’s “good side.” But his other side was gruff, entitled, dangerous, and desensitized. This dual nature threw me into a tailspin that lasted for years. 

Looking back, I realize I too was living a dual life. I appeared all put together, and I felt enormous pressure to keep everything going for the sake of our family. On the outside, I came across as confident and strong, when, in fact, my private world was an entirely different story. The secret allowed me to keep this façade going. And I believed that if I could keep it going long enough, it would eventually become reality. 

But the biggest reason I kept the secret for so many years? I loved him. I didn’t want people to think badly of him. I believed that I could work on the marriage privately and not damage our reputation. The fact is the abuse continued to happen over and over again. 

Breaking the silence is key to interrupting the cycle. It opens a world of new possibilities, health, freedom, safety, and new life. This step can be pretty scary, I know. But it’s so important. 

Breaking the silence is not necessarily about leaving your abusive partner right now, although for some, it may be. Breaking the silence is about telling your story first to yourself, then to a safe person.

The decision to entrust your story to someone can feel overwhelming. Fear has been used to manipulate and silence you, so it can seem almost inconceivable that you could actually share your story with someone. You may wonder, Will anyone believe me? You might even feel delusional as your abuser insists that what is going on isn’t really happening. 

You may be concerned that some family members and friends won’t believe your story. But there comes a moment when each of us realizes that the cost of maintaining the secret is too high a price to pay. What leads to that moment can be very different for each person. What’s crucial is not so much why you break the silence but that you do. 

How has The Secret hurt you? If you have children, how has it hurt them, too? How has living in an abusive relationship affected your other relationships? Who could you tell your secret to?

Call It What It Is

Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7

One night I got up while Ben was sleeping to do a Google search of a term my best friend had encouraged me to read about. The term was cycle of abuse. I remember like it was yesterday how my hand on the computer mouse shook as I read the information. As I read the definition, I realized I was smack in the middle of a very toxic pattern. For the first time in my marriage, I knew what I was experiencing had a name . . . Abuse. 

Some women enduring intimate partner violence falsely believe their’s is a marital problem, in other words, a couple’s issue. Holding on to this belief gives victims a false sense of control. Let’s be clear: the only person with control over the abuse is the abuser. Contrary to what we may have been told or have told ourselves in the past, we cannot break the abuse cycle with better behavior, more prayer, less cellulite, or a tastier meat loaf. 

Abuse is not something you can manage or control. Accepting this is paramount to having a clear understanding that it is solely your abuser’s choice to abuse and that you are not responsible for his behavior. This understanding also completely eradicates the very common and dangerous misconception that somehow you provoked him and he had no other choice than to “set you straight.” As long as you believe you are somehow responsible for your abuser’s behavior, you will remain in the tangled web of abuse.

An abuser lacks sincere empathy for the pain he caused. In his twisted mind-set, if you deserved it, why should he feel sorry for his actions? He doesn’t. When the honeymoon phase circles back, as the cycle of abuse spins round, he may bring flowers or gifts or perform acts of contrition. He may seem sincere at the moment. You will want to believe his apparent remorse is true. However, it begs the question, “If he is truly sorry and promises never to do it again, why does he?” The answer never changes, “It’s because he can.” 

This is precisely where I encourage you to ask yourself, “Is this what I want for myself?” My prayer is that at this point your conviction is, “Enough is enough!” 

In what ways do you rationalize your partner’s abusive behavior? What feelings are generated when you call it what it is? Abuse.

The Essence of Loss

Scripture: Jeremiah 17:14

When you have told your story, broken the silence, and called it what it is (abuse), you will realize that this person is not likely to change, and the research validates this. According to the Family and Child Abuse Prevention Center, “Only one percent of abusers change.” The National Domestic Violence Hotline reiterates this finding, “There’s a very low percentage of abusers who truly do change their ways.”  The reason for this is that there’s too much an abuser relinquishes when power and control ceases. My personal experience, along with the experience of those I’ve worked with who have walked a similar path, is that this realization often leads to grief.

Grief, by definition, is a signal that something is over. It is the very essence of loss. It is a natural and normal response. Any attempt to avoid grief will impede the healing process, causing you to feel stuck. When I finally accepted my marriage to Ben was over, I cried constantly and in situations where doing so wasn’t appropriate, such as in the classroom in front of my peers. I would politely excuse myself, go sit in my car, and wait for the wave of emotion to pass. 

Grieving can be an incredibly lonely journey. In my private practice, I always encourage my grieving clients to resist the temptation to run from their grief. They need to allow themselves to feel their deep emotions in order to heal well. So do you. A myriad of emotions will flood you, sometimes multiple times in one day. Grief is often comprised of the following phases, though not necessarily in this order: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. 

The shock you feel when you realize the situation you are in often gives way to denial. You want to pretend that what you know to be true is not. Denial is best buddies with bargaining, in which you “if only” yourself to death. When bargaining doesn’t provide any real answers, you can find yourself steeped in depression. And the emotion that tends to blanket them all is anger. This anger can often feel like rage because the person who promised to love you “till death do us part” was the very person who broke your heart. This pain can leave you feeling so raw that the thought that your life can ever feel like living again seems like a sinister fantasy at best. 

Grief is rarely experienced in a nice, neat, linear way. Grieving is messy work. The good news—and there is good news—is that as you permit yourself to feel, then you allow yourself to heal. Grieving is the doorway through which you eventually find freedom . . . if you do not give up on the process. 

What indications of shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and/or depression do you see in your journey today? Are you allowing yourself to grieve or are you substituting true grieving with other distractions?

Finding Help

Scripture: Psalm 56:8

The emotional wounds resulting from trauma often outlast the physical injuries. Whether it produces bruises to the body or bruises to the heart, abuse of any kind always leaves an aftermath that cannot be ignored. Our pain demands to be heard. Most importantly, our pain can teach us if we will entrust ourselves to the healing process.

It is not uncommon for victims of domestic violence to exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. These symptoms include the following:

• Behavioral symptoms: agitation, irritability, hostility, hyper-vigilance, self-destructive behavior, avoidance of situations that remind the victim of the event(s), difficulty expressing feelings, trouble concentrating, or social isolation 

• Psychological symptoms: flashbacks (reliving the traumatic event or events), fear, severe anxiety, feelings of being constantly on edge, unwanted thoughts, or mistrust 

• Physical symptoms for no reason you can think of: nausea, tremors, pain, fainting, dizziness, headache, stomachache, vomiting, or other physical symptoms

• Mood-related symptoms: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, emotional numbness, emotional detachment, or loneliness 

• Sleep-related symptoms: insomnia, nightmares, or night terrors (resembles a panic attack, but the victim is asleep) 

Research has shown that the trauma that results from exposure to domestic violence mimics the trauma that war veterans exhibit from exposure to war. The main difference is that a victim of domestic violence faces the enemy in her own home as opposed to on a battlefield. Living day in and day out never knowing when another emotional, verbal, or physical grenade will be thrown at you takes its toll. That toll is PTSD. And that is why working with a trained domestic violence counselor can be life altering in your pursuit of healing well. 

In my own experience, the impact of counseling was astounding. I have found that it is crucial to work with someone who understands the complexities surrounding this issue. In addition to understanding the trauma that results from domestic violence, the professional you choose needs to be a good fit. Simply put, you should feel comfortable with them, feel understood by them, and feel validated regarding the impact abuse has had on you. 

What symptoms of PTSD do you identify with the most? In what ways are you seeing the connection between the trauma you’ve experienced (or are continuing to experience) and your body’s internal alarm system sending you warning signs that the abuse is taking a toll all on you?

Continuing the Journey

Scripture: Philippians 1:6

One of the most significant moments in my life was when I realized that God fully loves and fully accepts me just as I am. Only then was I able to learn to love others in this way. When I catch myself slipping into old ways of thinking about myself, I remind myself that it’s not about what I can do or what others can do for me. It is about loving God and receiving His love, so I can love others the way He loves me.

When others disappoint us, and they will, we can tell ourselves, “It’s okay. They’re trying to figure out this thing called life, too. We’re all at different places. It’s okay when people don’t understand me. God does and always will.” 

So it all begins and ends with love. Once you begin applying this kind of love to yourself, then you can love others with no strings attached. 

I want to reiterate a very important truth. I know I needed to hear it many times before it finally stuck. When abuse is present, you cannot love your abuser into wellness. While I will always have a love for Ben, I finally accepted that loving him would not change him. As a survivor of abuse, the healthy choice is to love your abuser from a distance and to love yourself enough to let go. Not all survivors will still have a love for their abusers, and that’s perfectly understandable. But for those of us who do, we need to accept this very important truth: no amount of our love will change our partners, regardless of how long or how hard we try. It’s only in accepting God’s love for us, and accepting the limits of our love to change another person, that true healing can take place. 

Loving yourself with the same kind of love God loves you with is a must to healing well. I can’t say it enough. You will never be all God created you to be until you love yourself like He does. It’s a process. I understand this. But, it is a process that can’t be skipped, minimized or detoured around. The only way out is through. 

Through His love. 

In what ways has your abusive situation changed your view of yourself? In what ways has this devotional challenged those lies about who you are? How can you start to apply healthy love toward yourself beginning today?