Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Samuel 16:7

Are You a Christian?

2 Corinthians 6:14

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”

1 Samuel 16:7

“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’”

Have you been dating someone for a while? Are things going well? Are you considering having “the talk,” defining the relationship, and getting a bit more serious about the person?

What an exciting time in a relationship! Taking things to the next level means you’re one step closer to (possibly) finding a life-long love and a beautiful marriage.

As you consider taking this step in your relationship, it is essential to welcome God into the decision. Consider what the Bible says about relationships, as well as your hopes and plans for the future. That way, when you have “the talk,” you can ask important questions to make sure this is the right person for you.

Did you know that two people who consider themselves Christians can be “unequally yoked?” It sounds a bit odd because most Christians believe the “yoked” scripture simply refers to marrying someone who is also a believer. And that’s an excellent place to start, which makes it one of the first questions to ask someone before you get into a serious relationship with them.

However, the conversation should go beyond a simple yes or no question to determine if you truly are equally yoked.

A “yoke,” by the way, is what joins two oxen pulling a cart. It’s essential to pair oxen that are equally “yoked” to move the cart in the right direction at the same pace. If one ox is stronger or faster, it could pull the cart in the wrong direction, and they wouldn’t get very far.

This concept applies to faith in believers as well. If you’re an “on-fire” Christian, passionate about taking the church beyond the four walls of a sanctuary and spreading the Gospel to the unreached places of the world, that’s wonderful. But if you’re dating a Christian who feels content with attending church on Sunday and not going beyond that, there’s a disconnect. The disconnect might not be in faith or beliefs but in mind, heart, or calling.

Remember, God doesn’t look at someone’s outward appearance, and neither should you. Anyone can call themselves a Christian, and many do without walking the walk. Before you pursue a serious relationship that could lead to marriage, make sure you are both walking toward and with God at the same pace and with the same strength. Or that you are both at least committed to finding that unity as you grow together.

Questions to Ask:

How do you define your beliefs?

What is your relationship with Jesus like?

Where do you feel God is calling you in your faith walk?

Do you attend church weekly, and is that important to you?

Do you serve in the church, and is that important to you?

Do you read your Bible regularly, and is that important to you?

What does “living out your faith” look like to you?

Scriptures: Genesis 1:27-28, Psalms 127:3-5

Do You Want to Get Married and Have Children?

Genesis 1:27-28

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.’”

Psalm 127:3-5

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.”

One of the first things you’ll want to know before getting serious about a person is if there is a future. Is marriage on the table?

Once you know that, talking about having kids is important, even if it feels far down the road. Knowing someone’s vision for a family is essential before getting into a serious relationship. If one person definitely wants kids and the other does not, there isn’t too much you can or should do to try to change their mind.

The Bible talks a lot about having kids. In the beginning, God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply,” meaning: have a lot of babies. And many Christians take this command to heart today. However, it’s important to note that God doesn’t say that every fertile couple must have biological children or that infertile couples must adopt. However, if it’s God’s plan for your life to have children–if He is calling you to start a family–it is vital to respond to that call.

But if God isn’t calling you to start a family, and you don’t want to have children, it’s important to communicate that to a potential long-term partner. Being on the same page about family early on can save a lot of heartache, frustration, and disappointment down the road.

Again, this conversation should definitely go beyond a yes or no response. Even if you find yourself on the page about having kids, you should also discuss the logistics and expectations of starting a family.

If, by “yes,” you mean you want to start a family within a year and have five kids as soon as possible, and your partner’s “yes” means maybe you’ll start trying in five years for one kid, there’s a disconnect. Two people who want kids still might not make a good long-term match if the vision for a family is different.

A disconnect isn’t grounds for a breakup right away. It simply opens up the conversation to begin dreaming together about what a long-term relationship, marriage, and family could look like.

Questions to Ask:

Do you want to have children?

If yes,

Do you have an idea of when you’d like to get married?

How soon after marriage would you want to start trying?

How many kids do you imagine having?

Are you open to adoption?

What are your expectations for family roles once kids are in the picture?

If no,

Why don’t you want to have kids?

Are you open to fostering or adopting children?

Is having a family something you’d reconsider down the road?

Scriptures: Philippians 2:3-4, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

What are Your Boundaries?

Philippians 2:3-4

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

“And will you respect mine?”

As you move into a more serious relationship with someone, where things like marriage and family become more likely, knowing and respecting each other’s boundaries becomes a top priority.

All healthy relationships have boundaries. Boundaries are the personal limits you set on what is and isn’t acceptable in terms of behavior, emotions, and physicality. They create a safe and respectful space in a relationship and can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, but it’s an essential part of maintaining a healthy relationship, especially as things turn more serious. When setting boundaries, it’s important to be clear and concise about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. It’s also important to be respectful of your partner’s boundaries and ensure you’re not crossing their lines.

The first boundary that likely comes to mind is waiting until marriage to have sex. Many Christians choose to follow Biblical teaching about saving themselves for marriage. And that’s definitely a conversation to have. However, boundaries go beyond sex and involve a mutual understanding and respect for what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship.

As you begin to pursue a more serious relationship, respect becomes even more critical. A Christlike relationship puts the other person first, and love always honors. When you know someone’s boundaries, and they know yours, it’s much easier to respect and honor them with your actions.

Behavioral Boundaries & Questions to Ask:

How do you prioritize your friendships while in a serious relationship?

What are your expectations regarding spending time with people of the opposite sex?

What do you consider cheating or being disloyal in a romantic relationship?

Are you open to having “free range” to each other’s phones and/or social media accounts?

Emotional Boundaries & Questions to Ask:

How do you prioritize space for personal growth while in a serious relationship?

How do you naturally respond to conflict, and what’s your method of resolution?

What is the best way to approach you when I’m feeling hurt or disrespected?

Physical Boundaries & Questions to Ask:

Are you saving yourself for marriage?

What type of physical intimacy are you comfortable with before marriage?

Are you okay with PDA in public, in front of friends or family?

Scriptures: Proverbs 19:21, Proverbs 3:5-6

What is Your 5-Year Plan?

Proverbs 19:21

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Life moves quickly. And you want to make sure you’re getting into a serious relationship with someone with similar goals, plans, hopes, and dreams as you.

If your 5-year plan is to save enough money to take time off work and travel across Europe, and they plan to spend the next five years moving up at their company, buying their first home, and putting down roots, there’s a disconnect.

It doesn’t mean a long-term relationship can’t work. It does mean it’s time to have a more serious conversation about whether or not you share a similar vision for the future. All relationships require compromise, but you shouldn’t have to compromise so much that you’re no longer living a life you love or pursuing the things God has placed on your heart.

Following the call of God in your life is and always will be the most important thing. And you can trust Him to provide a partner who will support and champion you in your calling.

You’ve likely heard it said that “timing is everything.” But what’s more important than timing is to be open to God’s purpose. If God’s plan is for you to marry someone, marry them you shall. If He’s calling you to serve as a missionary overseas, and that means ending a relationship with someone you care about, it’s the right thing to do.

So, before you get too serious about someone, talk to each other about life goals, passions, and where you believe God is calling you. And trust that God will guide you in the right direction, whether that be to pursue a long-term relationship or go your separate ways.

Questions to Ask:

Where do you hope to be in life five years from now?

What do the next five years look like for you to get there?

What is one thing you feel like God is calling you to do?

What are you doing now to pursue that calling?

How do you see me and our relationship fitting into your vision for your life?

Scriptures: Philippians 4:6-7, Hebrews 4:16, Proverbs 11:14, James 1:5

Want to Pray About It?

Philippians 4:6-7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Hebrews 4:16

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Proverbs 11:14

“For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers.”

James 1:5

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

The decision to get serious with someone and start planning a future together isn’t something to be taken lightly. And it’s definitely not something you should do before praying about it. And while you can and should spend time with God on your own, it’s also a powerful experience to pray about the relationship with the person you’re in a relationship with.

You can also seek advice from wise counsel, like someone who has been happily married for many years and walks with the Lord. Or, ask other God-fearing people to pray for the Holy Spirit to speak to both of you as to how the relationship should progress.

What’s most important is that you pray about it and lean into what you believe God is telling you to do. Pay close attention to whether or not you feel peace about moving forward in the relationship. And talk about any hesitations or concerns you have, whether it be about their faith walk, family plan, or future goals. It may be something you can navigate through together, or it may be a sign that it isn’t the best relationship for you.

Questions to Ask:

Is there anything that worries or concerns you about taking our relationship to the next level?

Do you feel like we’re on the same page when it comes to faith, family, and the future?

Would you be willing to spend time in prayer together to make sure we make the right decision for our relationship?

Would you be willing to talk to [insert someone who can provide wise counsel birthed from prayer] together for wisdom and advice about our relationship?

Here’s a prayer for seeking wisdom about moving forward in a relationship that you can pray on your own and together:

God,

Thank You for bringing [insert name] into my life. We are so grateful for the time we’ve spent together.

As we begin to talk about pursuing our relationship on a deeper level, we ask for wisdom and guidance. We want to make the best decision for our relationship that honors and glorifies You.

You know the plans You have for our lives–and You know whether or not those long-term plans involve each other.

If there is anything we still need to talk about before moving forward, we pray You would bring those questions to our attention.

If there are reasons we shouldn’t be together, we pray You would bring clarity and understanding about those things.

And if moving this relationship forward is a wise decision–the right decision–we pray for Your peace and blessing to know we are walking in Your will for our lives.

We trust You and Your perfect plan, God. Thank You for freely giving wisdom and guiding us on the right path.

We ask all of these things in Jesus’ name, Amen.