Whether or not you’ve completed our Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily devotional, here are 7 more daily pieces of encouragement to continue growing your blended family relationships. Read them as a stepfamily together or separately, but create a space for everyone to share their thoughts and feelings.
Ron Deal, Bethany House, and FamilyLife
Day 1
Scripture: Proverbs 20:6-7
Bonus Love
“Okay, Ron, just where do I fit in this picture?” I heard this familiar question while talking with a friend of mine. He’s a stepdad and he loves his kids dearly. He said, “Ron, I want to be the one who teaches my stepson how to shave and the one who walks Emily down the aisle on her wedding day, but I think their dad ought to do those things. So what is my role?”
You know, being the Bonus Mom or Dad sometimes means you don’t get the first seat at the table (and you’ll have to grieve this). But it does mean that as an added parent figure in the life of a child, everything you offer is bonus! A bonus hug, a bonus word of encouragement, a bonus smile, a bonus challenge, a bonus godly influence. And in a world where lots of people don’t have any at all—bonus love. Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it? When you think about it in that light, being a bonus parent is a great role to fill.
Dear God, never let me take for granted the privilege and honor of being a bonus blessing in the lives of my stepchildren.
Day 2
Scripture: Proverbs 14:26
Connect to Your Child’s Heart
One of my goals is connecting you with your child’s heart. The other day I had a conversation with someone that warmed my heart. This dad had listened to a podcast where I talked about kids, divorce, and blended families. It got him wondering if his daughter felt the way I had described. So he asked her. And sure enough, she did. But there was more.
You see, before their conversation she didn’t have words for what she was feeling. Oddly enough, in asking her if she felt a certain way, he gave words to her experience and helped her talk about it. But there was even more.
Before he initiated the conversation, she had felt disconnected from her father and unable to talk to him about awkward stepfamily issues. He hadn’t known that. The conversation and her dad’s listening ear made her feel close to him, not alone. Supported, not isolated. Loved, not forgotten. The combination of a quick question and an open heart turned into shared feelings and connected souls.
Father God, prompt me by your Spirit to ask questions that can initiate heart-to-heart conversations with my kids that draw us closer to each other.
Day 3
Scripture: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Honor the Past and the Present
Wise stepparents honor their stepchildren’s past. When Victoria married a widower with four kids, she applied this advice and it really paid off. Victoria noticed how “uprooted” the kids seemed to feel when her furniture was moved into their family home. So she made changes very cautiously. First, she set up the kitchen according to her own tastes and needs, but she made sure that the mother’s items were distributed or saved for each child. Then she waited five more years to re-do the living room.
During the Christmas celebration seven years after her marriage, Victoria gifted each child with a photo of their family of origin and the current stepfamily. Now that’s wisdom. She honored each child, their mom, their dad—and herself. And by encouraging her stepchildren to embrace their past, Victoria made it more likely that they will want to embrace her as a part of their future.
Father, show me ways to help my stepchildren know that I honor their past history and the other family members in their life as part of who they are.
Day 4
Scripture: Romans 12:17-18
Event Etiquette
Does your child live in two different homes? If so, you might want to consider following some guidelines for event etiquette when attending their activities. We know that kids love it when their parents attend their recitals, concerts, sporting events, and school productions. But their enthusiasm dissolves if co-parents make it stressful. To make any event affirming for your child, be sure to mind your etiquette:
- Sit where you feel comfortable and be respectful to the other parent as you walk in and out.
- After the event, let your child hug or talk to each parent no matter who currently has visitation privileges.
- To keep the event safe for everyone, don’t discuss parenting matters at the event. That turns a recital into a business conversation and takes the focus off your child. You can talk about that later. Let this moment simply be about celebrating your child.
Father, during our children’s activities and events, remind us to drop our personal agenda and focus on making good memories that build up and encourage our kids.
Day 5
Scripture: Ephesians 2:1-10
Redeeming the Next Generation
For kids, a healthy stepfamily is a great blessing. We’ve known for years that divorce leaves a negative emotional residue on a child’s heart that can be witnessed over time. Two examples of this negative impact are cohabiting as adults and having a higher divorce rate than kids who grow up in intact families. But thankfully, that’s not the end of the story.
Research now confirms that a healthy stepfamily not only prevents another divorce in a child’s life, but it gives them a healthy model of marital relationships that equips them for marriage as adults.* In other words, after divorce a strong, stable, healthy stepfamily lowers the divorce rate in this generation and in the next. It reverses the “curse”.
What Satan tries to destroy through divorce, God can take back in just one generation. When you’re having a bad day, hang on to that good news and keep going.
God, please touch our family with your redeeming power and help us prepare and equip our children for future healthy marriages of their own.
Day 6
Scripture: Ephesians 4:29
Stepparents Need a Hug
One stepmom was pleasantly surprised when her two oldest stepdaughters gave her a card on Mother’s Day that read, “Everyone needs a back-up mom. You’re mine!” What a huge compliment—she was beaming from ear to ear. She knows how hard it is for kids and adult children alike to honor their stepmom without dishonoring their biological mother, or feeling disloyal to her. So, why the need for the hug?
Because this stepmom’s other two stepchildren didn’t acknowledge her at all on Mother’s Day. Not a word.
So what’s your situation? Are you accepted or rejected? A part of the family or pushed aside? Talk about confusing. I guess you could say that ambiguity is a stepparent’s middle name. And that’s why they need a hug.
(A prayer for the biological parent to pray over the stepparent. If you’re both stepparents take turns praying over each other.) Father, thank you for my partner who has taken on the task of loving and caring for my children. I am grateful for all they do. Please strengthen them for the challenges they face and give us wisdom as a couple to parent well together. Amen.
Day 7
Scripture: Joshua 1:7
Check Your Progress
On any journey, part of gauging your progress is knowing how far you’ve come and how far you still have to go. Those who study productivity and team efficiency will tell you that you need to be able to measure your progress so you can know what you’ve accomplished.
I think parenting is like that. It’s easy to identify qualities our child is missing and what we need to work on as a parent. But sometimes we fail to notice how far they’ve come or how our parenting skills have improved. Stepfamilies can start to feel like a never-ending work in progress. And that can be discouraging.
But why not take a minute and remember what it was like in the beginning of this blended adventure? Get some perspective on how far you’ve come—and celebrate that progress. And know that God is always with you, now and in all that still lies ahead.
God, when I feel discouraged, open my eyes to see the progress our family has made together. I know that we are a work in progress and I trust your hand to guide us through.