Parenting & the Single Mom: By Jennifer Maggio

Scripture: Romans 8:1

I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying that as a mom? Sure. We all have. While hundreds of thousands of parenting books, podcasts, conferences, and blogs exist to offer parenting insight and helpful tips, our children do not come with an individual user’s manual on exactly what to say and do in every circumstance throughout every season. Often, as moms, we wonder if we’re doing it well or even have a clue! Two of my three children have left the nest, with the third not far behind. As a mother who has been through every parenting season (and now a grandmother), may I offer you the best piece of advice I have ever received? 

Tip 1 to parenting as a single mom: Lose the guilt!

In my early years of single parenting, I worked two sometimes three jobs, went to college at night, and often collapsed into bed, having barely seen my children that day. I looked at the happily married moms who were making homemade granola and washing their children’s clothes in detergent they had made and felt consumed with guilt when I drove through McDonald’s drive-thru for the third time in a week. They were skipping and singing lullabies with their babies while I was raising my voice, frantically trying to find the other shoe, before the school bus arrived for pick-up. Many times, I felt guilty if my children had missed the mark. For years, I carried immense guilt if my children failed a test, cheated, used profanity, or, in some way, broke the rules before them. I internalized every behavior as a direct reflection of my “poor parenting.” It made me an angry parent, convinced I didn’t measure up. That is why it is so important to lose the guilt as a mom.

There is no condemnation for those of us who are in a relationship with Jesus. He covers a multitude of shortcomings. There will be days when we will parent better than other days – days when we seem to be hitting it out of the park in the parenting department. There will be times when another parent seems to be doing it better. God isn’t grading us according to someone else’s parenting and children! He is asking us to steward our children to the very best of our own abilities, with him at the center. 

You cannot parent through guilt. Parenting with guilt causes you to be irrational and unreasonable. It makes us angry and bitter. A measuring stick sets the bar too high for our children to achieve. Guilt often compels us to measure our children against others or place impossible standards so we can feel better about ourselves. We subconsciously want our children to outrun the divorce or out-perform the single parenting stigma. Lose the mom guilt and offer yourself and your children some grace. Nothing effective is accomplished through guilty parenting. Seek God regarding your parenting. Do the very best you can. And give yourself a break. 

Points to Ponder:

• Have I been parenting with guilt? How will parenting through guilt negatively impact my children? What steps can I take to become free of guilt? 

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 3:1

Are you enjoying your season?

It can seem difficult to enjoy your season when you are running on two hours of sleep and can barely keep your eyes open throughout the day due to life’s many demands as a busy single mom. When you are running to and from practices, games, parent-teacher meetings, and more, it can feel like chaos. You might be thinking, “How can anyone enjoy this busy and chaotic schedule?” You might even feel a little frustrated that your free time is taken up with parenting demands that should be carried by two people instead of one. It is important to remember that this busy season is just that – a season, and it passes quicker than you think. One day, when your children are grown, and out of the house, you will miss the sporting events, school projects, and busy schedules. 

Step 2 to parenting as a single mom: Enjoy your season!

Parenthood – the real meat of it, anyway – is only for a season. Yes, you’ll always be their mom, of course. But the nuts and bolts, daily grind, and huge demand on your time and mental bandwidth will eventually fade. They will become self-sufficient adults who don’t continue to live in your home. Consider this. You have been parenting a child diligently for approximately two decades. If you live to be eighty years old, that means you have sixty years of your life that will be dedicated to other pursuits. It doesn’t mean that once they are grown, they aren’t your pride and joy and that your role completely ends. It simply means they aren’t the primary focus of every day. So, enjoy where you are now in this season because it will one day end. The sleepless nights. The exhausting discussions about boys. The hundreds and hundreds of school and sporting events you may be attending. Don’t be so busy wishing for a new season, e.g. when they start driving, get out of elementary school, when they are potty-trained, that you miss the joys of the current one. Be intentional about enjoying some of the day-to-day activities that you are involved with, taking care to stop and smell the roses, dance in the rain, play a board game, and laugh with your children. You will look back and miss the busy days. Allow your children to see you enjoying the day-to-day. Dance during the dishes. Sing during the laundry. Play trivia on the ride to school. Be intentional about enjoying this season with your children. 

Points to Ponder:

• How would I feel if this season ended abruptly? Would I have done everything I could to make it a good season? An enjoyable one? 

Scripture: Proverbs 15:1

Set the thermostat in your home.

How many times have we screamed at our children, only to find them screaming back? Or maybe you overhear your toddler saying a four-letter word and realize they are simply imitating what you said in traffic earlier today? How often do we find our teenagers listening to music that is wildly inappropriate and remember that it was on the radio in the car the other day? It is up to us as parents to set the example in our homes and ensure we set the thermostat in our homes every day. I don’t mean the literal thermostat in your home; I mean your home’s spiritual and emotional environment. We cannot react out of anger and rage and expect the temperature of our home to be one of patience and respect. Mom, it is up to you what the environment in your home will look like. It’s time our homes start reflecting the true nature of God. 

Step 3 to parenting as a single mom: Control your emotions!

Don’t be quick to anger. Be gentle in your response to your children (even when you are raging on the inside). We can be firm, direct, and gentle at the same time. Don’t scream. If you scream at your children, don’t expect them not to scream at you. If you use profanity with your children, don’t be surprised when it comes back at you. If you view questionable content on your television or listen to music that is not honoring the Lord, don’t be surprised when your children duplicate that behavior. You set the tone, including what media comes into the home, what responses you allow, the tone in which you speak to one another, the fruits of the Spirit that flow throughout the home, and so much more. 

I was recently holding a conversation with my adult son, and he said, “Mom, you always set a great temperature in the room.” I had not considered that before. He began to explain how I laughed and brought joy (at least sometimes, I do!) into rooms I enter. As parents, we get to set the thermostat of our homes. We can lead by example and teach our children how to handle and express emotions in a way that honors the Lord. We are able to exhibit the nature of God, taking care to control our tempers and emotions. This becomes an invaluable tool in keeping our peace and investing a life skill into our children. 

Points to Ponder:

• How do I set the thermostat in my home? Do I frequently yell, or do I take a softer approach? Do we read the Word together? Do we pray together? Do we have family meetings about hard things, not just surface-level conversations? 

Scripture: Psalms 62:8

The four C’s of parenting will change your parenting style.

No, no, no. Not color, cut, clarity, and carat. We aren’t talking about literal diamonds here. However, our children are rare diamonds given to us by the Lord, and He expects we mold and shape them well. I know. I know. It is easier said than done. It’s easier to read about molding and shaping those precious diamonds than actually doing it! However, the four C’s of parenting can help in any parenting season: 

Step 4 to parenting as a single mom: Use the four C’s of parenting – Communication, Consistency, Clarity, and Christianity.

• Communication – From the time children are formed in the womb, communication is vital to a healthy parental relationship. Babies need to hear their mom’s voice in the womb. Toddlers love the sound of a soothing bedtime song. And believe it or not, teens do care what you think! Parenting well means keeping the door for communication open through each season with age-appropriate discussion. Too often, we swing the pendulum to an extreme – either over-communicating with our children or failing to communicate at all. However, our children desire to hear from us, including our wisdom on a matter and insight on a situation the family may be facing. Keep the doors of communication wide open through each parenting season. 
• Consistency – Children of all ages need stability, boundaries, and predictability. It helps them feel safe. They need to know that mom is steadfast in her decisions, not easily blown by the winds of emotion or a bad day. They need to know that the home will be a safe, calm place where they can consistently seek refuge from the weight of the world. Be consistent with your words and actions. Be consistent in offering affirmation and life-giving encouragement. Be consistent with discipline and expectations. Be consistent and steady in your responses, exhibiting the character of God. While consistency can be particularly challenging in co-parenting relationships, especially when one parent isn’t on the same page as the other, control what you can, taking care to be consistent in your home. 
• Clarity – Be clear on your expectations. Be clear with your instructions. Be clear on how these things parallel God’s word. Providing clarity on why a rule in your home is not a weakness. It’s a strength. It illustrates to your children that you are confidently seeking the instruction of the Lord and establishing boundaries accordingly. Often, providing clarity surrounding a family rule or expectation can help older children learn critical thinking skills. It may be helpful to have a family conversation and ask, “Why do you think this rule is important to our family?” Clarity can provide a baseline life skill that assists your children in developing their own boundaries and communication skills in the future. 
• Christianity – The best thing you can ever do for your child is to grow in your relationship with the Lord. Exhibit what a Christian is within your home behind closed doors. The strength you find from Christ will be the catalyst for every parenting decision you make. It will be the courage you need to stand firm with a mouthy teen. It will be the refreshing you need when the days are long and hard. It will be the peace you need during the chaos. When mom is reading the Bible regularly, praying before mealtimes, attending church regularly, and being cautious of what she says and does, children often emulate that behavior. Now, while some may go astray for a season, often, they find their way back to the God of their youth. 

Points to Ponder:

• How do you feel the lines of communication currently flow with your child? Do bad days affect your parenting? How can you avoid “moody parenting”? When do you have time with the Lord? Why is it important to do so? 

Scripture: Proverbs 31:28

Mom, don’t give up.

The school uniforms aren’t washed. The house is a disaster. Dinner hasn’t been cooked. Homework hasn’t been started. The baby is crying, and you just want to go to bed and cry. We have all had moments when our teenager has rolled their eyes for the hundredth time, or the baby simply won’t settle. How close have you come to just throwing in the towel and calling it quits? I can’t tell you how many of those moments I have had. I can tell you that in those moments, it is important to lean on God and acknowledge His unwavering strength that holds us during every parenting season. Nothing lasts forever, mom. Before you know it, there will not be any homework to help with, and the house won’t have toys scattered from room to room. Soon, that teenager will be an adult who recognizes all your sacrifices. Mom, one of the best pieces of advice I can give is don’t give up. 

Step 5 to parenting as a single mom: Stay the course!

Moms, I know it is hard. I know the days are long, and sometimes thanks are few. I know that there seems to be little rest for weary souls, but don’t stop praying, pressing, and persevering. Don’t stop believing in the word of God and His promises over your children’s lives. Don’t stop implanting wisdom, truth, and wise counsel into those precious souls. The Lord will mount you on wings like eagles. He will restore, in due time, all that seemed lost, so stay the course. I have been parenting for almost three decades. It has ebbed and flowed. Seasons have looked different. Sometimes, it was harder in some seasons than others. Your children will one day stand and call you blessed. It may not seem that way today. There may be no evidence of it at this juncture. There will come a day and time when your children will have a revelation that mom has stayed the course. You are planting seeds. Don’t give up, even when you can’t see the fruit of your labor in this season. Be a woman of high integrity. Be a woman of good cheer. Be a woman filled with convictions and boundaries. Love them. Laugh with them. Enjoy them. The joy of the Lord is your strength, and it will allow you to endure. 

Points to Ponder:

• Is this current season a more difficult season than in one’s past? Why or why not? How can you enjoy your children more in this season? What does that look like for your family? 
• For more information on the four C’s of parenting, read Kids and the Single Momby Jennifer Maggio.