The Power to Forgive

Scripture: Matthew 18:21-35

Get the Train Back on the TracksA few years ago I took a train trip from Beijing, China to Ulanbaatar, Mongolia. The journey took us across the giant Gobi desert and up to the Mongolian Steppe. At one point, in the middle of the night, our train pulled up to the border of China and Mongolia and agents boarded to check our passports. After we were cleared, the strangest thing happened. The train actually started lifting into the air. They raised the entire train, removed the wheels, and then put on new ones. 

I started asking around about why they had to change the wheels. Turns out that back in the day, when Mongolia was controlled by the Soviet Union, the Chinese used different rail sizes to keep from being invaded by the Russians. For a train to cross over the border, it requires a wheel change. It’s only a three-inch difference between the two tracks, but if you don’t change out those wheels, you’ll be stuck there. 

I’ve met people who seem to be stuck at a border in their lives. One experience—a hurt, an injustice, a betrayal—derailed their life, and they let that one experience define them. They couldn’t let it go and it got them stuck. Unforgiveness is the three-inch difference that will stop you in your tracks. But the decision to forgive is the change that allows you to keep moving forward. 

Christianity is built on the conscious, willing act of one man taking on the sin of those who offended and hurt him and choosing to not hold it against them. Jesus let us off the hook. He’s our example of forgiveness. “As C.S. Lewis put it, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” 

True forgiveness isn’t easy. In fact, at times it’s downright hard. Just ask Jesus. At one point he begged, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”(Luke 22:42) You know the emotional pain and guilt you carry from your own failures and how people have hurt you. Can you imagine what it would be like to carry that kind of weight for every person who has ever lived? 

Jesus took the hard road of forgiveness because he knew it was God’s will for him and for the world. It was an act of obedience. “He learned obedience through what he suffered.”(Hebrews 5:8) Jesus forgave and he tells us “now go and do the same.”(Luke 10:37) He gives us the power to forgive. 

When Peter asked how many times he had to forgive someone who hurt him, Jesus told the parable we read in today’s passage. The king in the story was furious with the servant who wouldn’t forgive others. After rebuking him, he handed that man who wouldn’t forgive over to jailers to be tortured. Holding on to unforgiveness can feel like torture. And God won’t remove those feelings if we choose to not forgive. But when we choose the hard path of forgiveness, we set ourselves free from that prison. Forgiveness isn’t optional for followers of Christ and, as with everything God asks of us, forgiveness is good for us. It frees us from the pain of living with past hurt. 

In this reading plan, we’ll look at what the Bible says about forgiveness. I’ll share some personal experiences of learning how to forgive. I’ll also share some of the myths (or lies) about forgiveness that I’ve heard people share with me over the years as a pastor and counselor. I want to help you break free from the pain of the past, using God’s truths, so you can cross the border into the wide open spaces of the abundant life God has for you.

Scriptures: Proverbs 4:23, Matthew 5:8

Keeping the Stream PureAs founder of Summit Leaders, I take people on outdoor expeditions around the world. A few years ago, I took a team rafting through the Grand Canyon. Our adventure started about two hours north of Flagstaff, Arizona. Where we started, the canyon is only a few hundred feet deep. The water is crystal clear with a nice green tint. You can see all the way to the bottom of the river. After a safety lesson, and a few basic paddling tips, we set out on our six-day journey deep into the canyon. About two miles into the trip our guide pointed to the right. “Looks like the Paria is running,” he said. “Say good-bye to the clear water.” 

I looked ahead and saw a nasty stream of brown water flowing into the crystal-clear Colorado River. In no time, our nice, clear river was brown and milky, and it stayed that way for the rest of the six-day trip. That one tiny, muddy seasonal stream miles upriver turned the mighty Colorado River into a cloudy mess. 

In today’s passage, King Solomon talks about the importance of diligently guarding or keeping your heart protected. Our hearts are meant to be pure and clear. But if we aren’t careful, hurt and bitterness can flow in and pollute the clear waters of our hearts. 

When we don’t release hurt it turns into resentment. In both Spanish and French, the word sentir means to feel. When we re-sentir something we feel that emotion over and over. We relive the event. And resentment can have dire consequences in our souls. It’s like drinking from a polluted water source – it won’t go well. But forgiveness is the filter that can clear out the pollution from hurt in our hearts. When I lead teams into the outdoors, I always bring a top-of-the-line water purification filter. It removes pretty much anything in the water that can harm you. I’ve pumped water from stagnant streams and not gotten sick. Those filters are expensive, but I purchase a new one for every trip. The price is absolutely worth it to make sure the team doesn’t get hurt by unclean water. We sit around in a circle every night and take turns pumping pure water for the next day. 

I wonder what could happen in our lives if we developed a daily habit of filtering out those offenses that can build up and taint the clear, flowing streams of our hearts. What if every evening we processed what happened to us through our own filter of forgiveness and decided to not let the sun go down on our anger? Forgiveness can actually become a daily habit that keeps us free and clear from resentment. It helps us keep the waters of our hearts flowing pure and clear so we can be a life-giving source to others.

Scriptures: Luke 23:34, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

The Myths of Forgiveness

One of the most common statements I hear when working with people who are having a hard time forgiving is: “But the person who hurt me needs to apologize before I forgive them. They need to admit their guilt.” 

This is where Jesus’s example of forgiveness is so powerful. As he hung on the cross, right in the middle of an act of betrayal by the very people he came to help, he said, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” Jesus forgave before we ever asked for it. I’m convinced this is the model for true forgiveness. We need to forgive before those who hurt us even know that they’re being forgiven. We simply release them, whether they ask for forgiveness or not. 

You may never hear an apology from the person who hurt you. They may never admit guilt. If the person who hurt you is a parent who has passed away, or a criminal who was never caught, it isn’t possible to seek a confession. In many cases, it’s dangerous and unwise to confront the person who hurt you. 

The great news is, you don’t need the other person to acknowledge their guilt before you can forgive them. The power to forgive is in your hands, right here and now. Being a forgiving person is part of your new identity in Christ. Your true self is a forgiving person because God gives you the grace to forgive, if you’ll just take it. Even if circumstances or your environment don’t change, you can walk in the freedom of forgiveness. 

Here’s another myth of forgiveness. “I’ll forgive when it feels right.” I hate to break it to you, but that good feeling will probably never come. But forgiveness doesn’t come as a result of some mystical good feeling. Instead, it’s the opposite. The good feeling of forgiveness will only come after you choose to forgive and keep reminding yourself of your decision. 

When you make a decision to forgive, it’s done. You’ve forgiven. Now you just live it out, even if your feelings haven’t caught up. It’s not that you fake it until you make it, it’s more a conscious decision to embrace the reality that you are a forgiving person in Christ – that’s part of your new identity in Him. So you walk in ongoing forgiveness. 

The final myth of forgiveness is a line most of us have heard so many times that we don’t even realize how flawed it is. The myth is this: Forgive and forget.

Let me be blunt: you cannot forgive and forget. It’s impossible. Your mind is too powerful to just forget. If you spend your life trying to forget something someone did to you, thinking this is true forgiveness, you’ll live in constant guilt. We don’t forgive and forget, we forgive and choose to remember with forgiveness. 

God’s grace gives you the power to forgive. You just need to make the decision to embrace that grace by letting go and forgiving those who hurt you.

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:31-32, John 20:21-23

The Power to ForgiveForgiveness is a decision. You don’t need to have any warm, fuzzy feelings before you forgive. The power is available as soon as you choose. When Jesus sent the Holy Spirit, we were given the power to forgive even the worst offenses. You have the power right now because the Spirit of God lives in you. (Romans 8:11) You don’t have to wait for a certain amount of time to pass. You just decide: I’m going to forgive.So let me offer some practical steps to help you through this decision. 

Forgiveness starts by admitting, “I was hurt.” 

That’s hard to admit, especially if you see yourself as a strong person. Admitting we got hurt makes us feel vulnerable. But once you get up the courage to admit you were hurt, you’ve cracked open the door to be able to forgive. The next step is to admit how you were hurt. You have to actually name the hurt and shame. I was betrayed. I was lied to. I was abandoned. I was rejected. You need to say it out loud to yourself. If you want, you can use the following as an example of what to say: 

■ Name of person betrayed my trust and used it to take advantage of me. He hurt me. 

■ Name of person lied to me and then told lies about me. She hurt me. 

■ Name of person betrayed my family’s trust. He hurt my family. 

■ Name of person abandoned me. The person who should have protected me left me alone. 

This is an intense process, so I don’t recommend doing it alone. Ask a pastor or professional counselor who understands forgiveness to walk through it with you. When I had to walk through forgiving a pastor who hurt me, a counselor helped me walk through it. 

Admitting hurt involves grieving. We have to recognize what we lost. We have to express our sadness over the loss, which can be painful, which is why many people decide they don’t want to take this step. But trust me, the cost of holding onto the hurt is far worse than the temporary pain of confessing and grieving it. 

After I expressed how that pastor hurt me and what I lost, my counselor told me to repeat the ways that that pastor had hurt me, but she had me add one final statement at the end: “But I choose to forgive him for hurting me.” 

It was awkward to say it all out loud again. But the relief I felt was amazing. It was like I regained a sense of hope and perspective. I wasn’t a victim. I was choosing to forgive someone who had hurt me. It was my choice. More importantly, I was embracing God’s grace to forgive and that released peace in my life. 

And then there’s one final step: You have to remind yourself of your decision. Remind yourself when you wake up. Remind yourself when you think about what the person did. Remind yourself before you go to bed. You’ll know you’ve truly forgiven when you look back at the hurt and feel no anger—only peace. 

One of the quickest ways to decide what action you need to take to walk out your decision to forgive is to ask yourself: How would I respond to that person if I truly had forgiven them and let it go? 

Then go do that. And don’t be surprised if you find a sense of peace overwhelming you as you walk in the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness always leads to inner peace. A deep peace that goes beyond understanding.

Scripture: John 8:31-36

The Power of Grieving WellForgiveness always involves grieving. You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Because they’re called stages, it’s easy to think grief is a linear process. Stage 1, 2, 3…Click. Yeah! I’m over it!But grieving isn’t like that. It’s more like a spiral. The pain tends to loop back around. You may wake up days, months, or years later and be hit by a wave of sadness and anger that feels just as intense as the moment the hurt happened. This doesn’t mean you haven’t truly forgiven. It just means you need to remind yourself that you chose to forgive. The good news is, the spiral will get wider and wider. The episodes will get further and further apart. If the spiral comes back around again, don’t feel guilty. It’s normal. Just remind yourself that you chose to forgive. Eventually, you’ll get to a place where the memory of the event will only bring peace. 

Forgiveness is obedience to God. But it’s also the path to unlocking the fullness of our freedom in Christ. If you choose to forgive, you can be confident that you’ve been set free. It may take a while to feel free. But know this: You are free! You don’t have to be held back by the hurt, pain, or shame anymore. Jesus forgave you. You forgave those who hurt you. And now you’re walking on the path to becoming fully you – the person God says you already are in Christ.