Scriptures: 1 Peter 1:3-6, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, Proverbs 3:5-6

Rebuilding Ruins

Ruins: The remains of something destroyed; parts of something destroyed & can’t be used anymore. Destroyed with some parts remaining.

If you’re reading this, you’ve experienced or are about to experience divorce. I wish I were welcoming you to a super cool club where we host brunches and play games all day. As you already know, this is no social club. Divorce is one of the most devastating personal adversities you can go through. The undoing of two who became one flesh is painful, gut-wrenching, and, honestly, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

But God is faithful (1 Corinthian 1:9) to restore hope that once seemed lost.

As I walked through the first few months of divorce, God revealed his truth about me to me. Everything changed from there. I learned that I am loved (Jeremiah 31:3), despite my failed marriage, broken family, and guarded heart. I learned that God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11) and is fulfilling a promise (Isaiah 41:10) in my life. His plan never intended to include so much pain. However, God would use my life’s pain and negative experiences for good (Romans 8:28).

Most importantly, I finally realized that no matter what, God would be with me (Deuteronomy 31:8). I can hold fast to his promises even when others around me are imperfect. God showed me that healing would be my vehicle for change, not anger, rage, unforgiveness, and retaliation. One final lesson was unexpected; God showed me how to live again (John 10:10), how to wake up each day, manage the anxiety and stress, and then take the tiniest baby steps toward things that fill my emotional/spiritual cup. In the midst of this, suddenly, you look around, and the good days begin to outweigh the bad ones. Slowly but surely, God restores hope (Romans 15:13).

God wants to restore your hope. He wants to rebuild your life so that your faith in Him grows (2 Thessalonians 3:3). God wants your faith in people to be renewed and ultimately rooted in Him (Colossians 3:7), as it always should have been. If you allow it, divorce in your life will be a boulder-sized wake-up call to return to hoping in Christ alone (Romans 5:1-2).

In life, people will hurt us, break our trust, betray us, and take us for granted. What can’t be forgotten is that we don’t simply trust people; we trust God, who promises to take care of us regardless of what people do. Restoring hope after divorce isn’t about finding new people who can better love you and meet your needs. No, restored hope is about putting your full hope in the only ONE who is ready and willing to meet your needs.

In this way, your divorce is now the catalyst for your healing, growth journey, and strengthened relationship with Christ rather than a state of victimization and depression. Over the next six days, we’ll journey together towards restored hope using the H.O.P. E. acronym as your guide:

Honor the journey and release the dream.

Optimize healing by focusing on you.

People are a blessing.

Explore your interests.

Let’s begin this journey in prayer:

Thank you for being the God of restoration. You specialize in redeeming the lost and rebuilding the broken. God, I humbly present all of my broken pieces to you. Rebuild them as you see fit. Search my heart and uncover every drop of unbelief that denies you can heal my pain and rebuild my life after divorce. I believe that you have good plans in store for my life. I believe that you are a rewarder of those who diligently seek you. I believe that you will work everything out for my good. So please help me seek your face as I endeavor to grow, heal and live healthily after divorce. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. What is your biggest fear about divorce?
2. Deep within your biggest fear is a lie. What lie(s) are you currently believing?
3. Can you trust God to reveal the truth and provide peace even in unknown places?

Scriptures: Psalms 94:19, Isaiah 43:18-19

Honor the Journey, Release the Dream

Unbearable aching pain. Shattered dreams. Knots in my stomach. Silence, staring into nothingness. Panic attacks. Sleepless nights.

At the beginning of a marriage, you unite with a person, uniting dreams, visions, and goals. There are plans to build this, overcome that, and create an impenetrable family. But what do you do with the dreams once they have been demolished by divorce? How do you make sense of the pain?

I remember pondering over this early in my divorce. I felt like a victim. Life was happening to me, and I could do nothing about it. My brain needed to figure out how to take these shattered pieces of a dream once whole and turn them into something that made sense. This life was my new normal, and quite frankly, I didn’t like it. It was uncomfortable and heavy from the weight of all the pain. I felt awkward, cry spells were daily, and I would have done anything for things to simply be the same. I wanted my dream.

Little did I know, God was planting in me a new dream, an emboldened vision, and a future that I could not even fathom, and He’s doing the same for you. You can’t put the pieces of your dream back together again in your strength (Philippians 4:13). Nothing makes sense right now, and that’s ok. God doesn’t need you to have all the decisions figured out. Trust that He plans to bring every hidden thing to the light (Job 12:22), and restoring your hope is a top priority (Romans 15:13).

First, you must honor the journey, mourn what you have lost and release the old dream. Your former marriage and the resulting pain of divorce are not a waste (James 1:2-4). Resist the instinct to rush past, honoring where you’ve been and the lessons to carry from it. Just because your marriage is over doesn’t mean your calling or the work God wants to accomplish through you is done.

Create space to mourn every single loss (Matthew 5:4), and let the old dream die so that Christ can restore a new one. Mourn the promises, the security, the unity, and the bonds. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and feel all the feelings that come up so God can heal you. As scary as this sounds, we serve a faithful God who has promised never to leave or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). You never do this work alone. Even better is the news that Romans 8:28 gives us that “all things work together for the good of those who love God.” This doesn’t mean that any of the terrible things you are going through are your fault or are in themselves good. It does mean that despite those things, God will work them out or turn them into good.

God has a plan for your life that no one can interrupt. Divorce doesn’t discredit or deny you.

You can heal, dream and hope again.

Prayer:

Dear heavenly father, thank you for the journey I am on. Today I cry out on behalf of every shattered dream that was lost in my divorce. God, I pray that you give me the strength to mourn every single one of them. Help my brain to process the emotional turmoil, the internal shame, and the public humiliation. Help my mind to erase the lies I have believed about myself and my future. After the mourning process, give me the boldness to get back up and receive a new dream, hope, and future for my life. I trust your faithfulness, God but help my unbelief. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. In what ways can you honor the journey and the lessons of your former marriage?
2. After acknowledging the pain of your shattered dreams, what small practical steps can you take daily to release them?

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, Jeremiah 17:14, Psalms 107:19-20

Optimize healing by focusing on you.

I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my fault.

If I had a dollar for every time I directly or indirectly blamed my former spouse for the misery caused by my divorce, I’d be rich. Blaming the other party for your pain is a very normal human response, but it doesn’t move you toward restoration or help you find hope. God calls us higher than that (Ephesians 4:29). Each person plays a role in the destruction of a marriage. No matter whose actions hold more weight, the only way to optimize your healing and begin rebuilding your life’s ruins is to focus on yourself.

After you’ve mourned the loss of the marriage, let go of the dream in exchange for God’s new vision for your life. You have to focus on yourself. What do you need? What places feel empty now that the marriage is gone? Are you struggling with your identity? Are you confused and nervous about the future? Have you lost your faith? Put all these things before the Lord in prayer (Philippians 4:6-7) and wait for His direction.

When healing is your priority, God may lead you to read the scriptures, forgiveness, prayer, therapy, or even begin a new healthy eating regimen. God wants you to entrust your entire life to Him. That includes your spiritual, physical, and even social self. Building up these areas will inevitably help you to renew your strength (Isaiah 40:31). Renewed strength is exactly what you need to rebuild your ruins and restore hope in your new life.

The early months of a divorce can feel a lot like an open wound. When one area of the body is wounded, you apply pressure to stop the bleeding, forcing you to utilize other areas of your body to compensate for the loss of use in the wounded area. Applying pressure to the wound of divorce feels like everything is falling apart.

Thankfully God designed our bodies so that we are alerted with pain to know what areas need the most focus. Consider the pressures and pains of divorce as your indicator that you need to focus on healing other internal areas of your life to maintain balance instead of focusing on your former relationship.

Healing is for you. The only way to truly heal is to cast every care and anxiety onto God (1 Peter 5:7), then focus on healing you.

Prayer:

Most gracious Heavenly Father, I come to you with a repentant heart. I humbly repent for every word and deed that I have done to prevent your holy healing of my life. Please forgive me for losing sight that every situation I encounter is touched by God. I am not forsaken. I am not forgotten. I am not fighting this battle alone. You are with me, God. You alone have the power to heal me. Heal me, oh Lord, and I will be healed (Jeremiah 17:14). I trust you with every piece of my broken heart, God. Please show me how to focus on myself and make healing my priority with the power of your Grace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. Take a moment to dream. What does your new restored life look and feel like?
2. Name your wounded areas. What parts of you need God’s attention most right now?

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, Psalms 133:1, Colossians 3:12-14

People are a Blessing

You need people.

I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but having a community of people who support you during this time is necessary.

The hard part about needing people during a divorce is that you often don’t immediately have the kind of support that you need. When you got married, maybe you left some friends behind or grew apart from others. Maybe you moved away from your hometown and haven’t maintained communication as much as you wanted. You might have focused so much on fixing your former relationship that all the other relationships in your life took a back seat. You may have missed birthday parties, girls’ night out, and other events so that you could be present at home. No matter what current state your family and friendships may be in, having supportive individuals in your life is invaluable as God rebuilds and restores hope.

You may begin the process of finding your people by offering reconciliation in any strained relationships you may have (Colossians 3:13). Call someone up, schedule a lunch date with a friend, and say yes to attending the next event. Now is the time to reestablish valued connections that may have been lost over the years (Hebrews 12:14). God created us to desire relationships (Genesis 2:18). We crave them. We long for true intimacy and connection when it comes to relationships. Ask God for humility as you seek to right wrongs in your relationships. Rebuilding ruins is tough work, but through Christ, you can do hard things (Philippians 4:13).

After reconnecting in safe and valued relationships, reach out for new connections with like-minded individuals. This includes utilizing support groups, small groups at a local church, athletic teams, and social clubs. Getting to know new people can be difficult, and learning to trust again after your trust has been broken with people is hard. Remember your healing as you do this; God will enable you to open up to new people and establish new bonds that support your journey (Ephesians 4:32).

Early in my divorce, I reached out to many friends to ask for forgiveness. It also meant forgiving myself for neglecting these relationships. I prayed for God to send me a group of women who would understand my story and help me through the toughest time of my life. God is so faithful. I joined an online support group. I met weekly with four other women going through the same thing as me for over one year. Those women, who had nothing else in common with me, whom I would have never chosen on my own, loved me back to life. They became my people, and we still support each other today.

Prayer:

Thank you, God, for making me in your image and giving me an innate desire for community. Father, you know everything I have been through. You know the people who have let me down, and you see the pain that friends and family have caused. But right now, I am asking you for supernatural strength to heal from the hurt I’ve experienced at other people’s hands. Release any anger, unforgiveness, and resentment that I may have. Instead, I ask that you replace it with a willingness to be the kind of friend I desire to have. Teach me that people are a blessing. Help me to be a better support system to those around me as I seek to make new and stronger connections. Remind me daily that you will protect and guide me. May I never forget that I am not alone because you are with me. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. Who do you need to reconnect with to build a strong support system?
2. How can the lessons you learned from your past help to grow new relationships with valued, trusted individuals?
3. What fears do you need to overcome while building new relationships?

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 3:12-13, Ecclesiastes 8:15

Day 5: E. Explore your interests

I love to paint. I discovered this in my season of divorce as I struggled with what to do with my time. It started with my daughter’s paint set and suddenly went to my own paints, brushes, and canvas. I paint my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I paint the scriptures and my visual understanding of God. It is therapeutic. It has become my new happy place.

I stumbled upon painting all of a sudden in this season because time became a huge concern. Some days I had no time as I rushed to accomplish everything on my to-do list. On other days it seemed like I had an endless amount of time and no idea how to fill it with anything other than mourning and depression. At the time, I was unfortunately not in touch with my interests, things I liked to do alone, or things that brought me joy.

If you are a mom, this can be especially difficult as you balance a new custody schedule and time apart from your children that you’ve never had before. It’s so easy to plan for family time when family time is all you know, but what about when it’s just you? How do you manage your time as you mourn, seek healing, and hope?

As God is healing your heart, showing you how to forgive and rebuild the ruins that have resulted from divorce, you will benefit from exploring your interests. Live your life to the fullest each day (Psalm 118:24). Do the things that you’ve always talked about. Complete the projects you’ve dreamed of. Write the book you can’t get off your mind. Learn a new skill, teach a class or start a hobby. While you are getting yourself busy exploring what interests you, you won’t have time to wallow in the pains of yesterday (Matthew 6:34).

God is good. He still reigns on the throne. His plans for your life are full of hope and an abundant future (John 10:10), but you have got to start living. Explore every healthy opportunity to move your body, uncover your hidden gifts and shine your light in the world. Remember, divorce does not discredit or deny you the right to live and find joy again. Joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

When divorce leaves gaps in your spiritual health, fill them with a closer connection to God. When divorce destabilizes your emotional health, grounded Godly relationships can help fill the absence. When your time is altered by divorce, it is God’s will that you continue to use every second of your life as a gift and fill it with God-honoring activities and interests.

Exploring what interests you is the balance to enduring the pain of divorce. As you heal, grow, and start living again, the pain begins to subside before you know it, and you can enjoy the goodness that God is still blessing your life with.

Prayer:

Thank you, God, for all the unique qualities and gifts you put inside me. Help me to embrace my identity in you fully. Show me how to see the world with fresh eyes and enjoy every good thing that you have created. Remove any fear as I explore new interests and conquer new challenges. I trust that you will be with me. I am grateful for the coming joy I have yet to experience, but I am fully assured of your promise. You are worthy of all my praise, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. How can you add more joy to your healing journey?
2. When was the last time you intentionally planned to pursue your healthy interests?

Scriptures: Nehemiah 2:17-20, Romans 15:13

Day 6: There is Hope.

The acronym H.O.P. E. has guided this journey of rebuilding your ruins after divorce. Through it, you have learned to:

Honor the journey and release the dream.

Optimize healing by focusing on you.

People are a blessing.

Explore your interests.

I pray that this devotional is an encouragement to you. It was birthed through my own lived experience when I was deep in the trenches of uncertainty and pain. I was wrecked with anxiety sometimes to the point of shaking uncontrollably. From the moments when I could not find peace or rest as I slept. When the parasympathetic nervous system of my body seemed to be fighting against me, God performed a miracle. He slowly but surely began to rebuild in me everything that was broken. He showed me how to embrace my ruins and see them as pieces of the past left behind to remind me of God’s faithful promises. From those ruins, God would rebuild a new me. From the barren places tested through fire and shown to not withstand, the God of the universe would restore hope to me right there.

But this isn’t just some isolated event; God has been restoring hope since the beginning of time. You and I join a community of Biblical greats who experienced mental anguish, depression, isolation, and anxiety due to their trials. God has restored hope for David, Job, Elijah, Jeremiah, and even Jesus. How much more does he plan to do for you?

Let my experience be an eyewitness testimony for this moment in your life. It will not always feel this terrible. The same things will not always trigger you. You will not always feel that pit in the bottom of your stomach. Intrusive thoughts will not always consume you. God will diffuse your anger. God will strengthen you to forgive. God will heal your heart. God will show you how to build healthy and healing relationships. You will find your refuge in Him alone.

It takes time and intentionality, but God will rebuild the ruins of your life, and you will hope again.

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, you are all that I need. You have proven your love and commitment to me over and over. I trust this journey that you have me on and your presence with me most. Rebuild the ruins of my life that divorce has caused. Restore the hope that I so desperately crave. Renew my heart and mind so that I can walk in your ways. As I walk with you, I promise to share my story so that others can know there is a God who saves, rebuilds and restores hope. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.

Reflection Question:

1. How has God been faithful to you in the past? Will you allow that testimony to speak life into your current situation?