Relationship Road Map

Scriptures: Song of Songs 2:7, Matthew 6:21, Matthew 6:21

WHERE YOUR TREASURE IS

On the dating journey, it’s important to identify your current location—where you are right now and how you got here.

These are my hopes.

These are my dreams.

This is how my heart was broken in my last relationship.

These are the ways I may have a tainted view of dating and mar­riage based on my past or my parents’ marriage.

It’s also important to identify your desireddestina­tion.

I believe God’s design for romantic relationships between men and women is for them to move toward marriage. We read in Ephesians 5 that God designed marriage to be a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church. In other words, a Christlike marriage is one of the primary ways God demonstrates the glory of the gospel to the world. So, our cul­ture’s view of dating—dating with little-to-no intention of pursuing marriage, dating just for fun, or dating for years with­out considering marriage—is contrary to God’s de­sign.

I know that may sound foreign and antiquated, but let me explain. First, you’re fooling yourself if you think you can give someone your time but not give them your heart. Matthew 6:21 says, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” The person you date will have a piece of your heart. The inevitable disappointment from every breakup will ever so slightly callous your heart.

I also believe that God designed sex to be enjoyed in the context of marriage, and it’s already ex­tremely difficult for many of us to maintain integrity and not sleep with the person we are dating. Song of Songs in the Bible tells us, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Songs 2:7). Removing the finish line of marriage and the reward of waiting increases our likelihood of falling.

Finally, dating requires investment. When you’re investing your resources in one place, it means you’re not investing elsewhere. I’ve seen people waste years of their lives—neglecting their personal growth, career advancement, or pursuit of their God-given purpose—all for someone they knew they wouldn’t spend the rest of their lives with. Dating well starts with being aware of where your treasure is.

If someone looked at how you spent your time and resources, where would they say your treasure is?

Scriptures: Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 3:20, Ephesians 3:20

THE BEST WAY YOU CAN PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE

You’ve likely heard Genesis 2:24 read at weddings: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” But I need you to hear: It’s not half of a broken person (bringing their insecurities, fears, regrets, and hang-ups) joining with another half of a broken person (bringing their pride, anger, and lust).

It’s actually multiplication. Two whole people join to make a whole marriage:

1 x 1 = 1

But two people who are incomplete? Two people who are halves? When they join, they do not create a whole:

0.5 x 0.5 = 0.25

Being whole does not mean you’re perfect. All of us are works in progress. Wholeness simply means you have reached a level of emotional health where you’re not looking for an­other person to complete you but are finding your identity in Christ. Your relationships can only be as healthy as you are.

So, if you’re single and would like to be married, this is a time of preparation. Before you meet the person who will be yours, this is the season to be living well. You’re becoming the person God made you to be. And as you wait in faith, you can have the confidence that—while you’d like to be married—you don’t need marriage to define you. When you are secure in God, when your identity is anchored in Him, then you’re ready to embrace this journey toward marriage. And you’re ready to be all in.

While there is no foolproof plan for finding the perfect spouse, I believe that if you date with intentionality and purpose, God’s got somebody who is going to blow your mind and give above and beyond all that you can ever ask, think or imagine (see Ephesians 3:20).

Mar­riage is one of God’s most profound gifts to us. Dating with the goal of finding God’s person for you can be tricky, but I’m here to tell you that the journey you’re on is worth it. If you follow the road map, you will get there. And when you get there, you need to arrive in good shape. That means you need to check your engine now so that your eventual partner is meeting someone who is whole, healthy, and thriving.

In what ways are you pursuing personal healing and spiritual growth right now?

Scriptures: Jeremiah 17:9, Psalms 73:26, Proverbs 28:26

WHAT ABOUT FEELINGS?

If you get married, you can know with 100 percent cer­tainty that you are going to marry a flawed human. You can also know with 100 percent certainty that you do not have the ability to change that person. So, the only way to guarantee that your spouse’s flaws won’t bankrupt your life is if your spouse is submitted to the One who is able to change them—God.

You have to see that before you marry someone. 

I don’t care how cute they are. 

I don’t care if they can finish your sentences. 

I don’t care how much your heart goes pitter-patter when they walk by. Jeremiah tells us, “The heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9). Proverbs says, “Those who trust in themselves are fools” (Proverbs 25:26).

That’s why, rather than trusting your own emotions, you have to see that this person is submitted to God. If God wants to speak to them about their anger, they can hear Him. If God challenges this person on a bad habit, they work toward change. If God wants them to for­give a parent who failed, this person is softhearted enough to accept that word and strong enough to be obedient.

Once you’re married, there are going to be countless issues on which you disagree that you will not see when you’re dat­ing. So, no matter what you agree on or don’t agree on, you want to be with someone who is submitted to Jesus. Someone who is teachable. Correctable. Open to being transformed by God.

If you meet a guy or girl on the bus, at the grocery store, or on a hiking trail, and you don’t know if they have a relation­ship with God, don’t go out with them. Take it slow. Because when you invest enough time, you can fall in love with someone you donotwant to end up with. Don’t assume you’re mature enough to date someone you’re unsure about without catching feels. You’re only fooling yourself.

The psalmist tells us, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26). When God is guiding your heart and fulfilling both you and the person you are dating, you will be able to “fall in love” while still walking in wisdom.

What does it mean for God to be the strength of your heart?

Scriptures: Romans 6:1-2, 1 Timothy 4:7-8, 1 Peter 5:8

LIVING RIGHT WHILE LIVING SINGLE

If there’s an excuse for having sex before marriage, I’ve heard it:

But we love each other. 

We know we’re going to get married. 

We’re adults. 

We weren’t virgins anyway. 

God will forgive us. 

I know Christians who had sex before marriage, and when they got married, it worked out.

Those statements are just low-hanging fruit. The devil will suggest many more. The Bible tells us that the Enemy “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Both before and after mar­riage, one of the Enemy’s primary goals is to get you to sleep with someone you are not married to.

You already know what the Bible says. You know what the cul­ture says. But I want to challenge you to consider the real-life consequences of sleeping with someone before mar­riage. Dating is the train­ing ground for marriage. If you don’t train yourself not to be governed by your emotions before you say “I do,” it will be much harder to control yourself after you say “I do.” I think we can agree that infidelity is never okay; when we are sleeping with people before we get married, it’s like we’re in training for unfaithfulness in marriage.

If you’ve already had sex outside of marriage, I want you to hear that God redeems and God is inviting you to begin living well today. Paul tells us in Romans, “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?” (Romans 6:1-2)

You win at living single and protect the marriage you’ll have one day when you avoid sexual sin. I know what a challenge that can be. So, take the steps you need to.

First, stay connected to God. Read the Bible. Talk to God in prayer.

Second, identify friends who will help you date with integrity. Find an older mentor who can walk with you.

Third, start teaching your body not to respond to every desire it has. One way to do this is through fasting, which decreases the undesired responses of your body and builds spiritual muscle.

When you choose to live well, God will give you everything you need to suc­ceed.

What is one way you could build spiritual muscle this week to help you avoid temptation?

Scriptures: Psalms 31:24, Song of Songs 8:6-7, Philippians 1:6

BECOMING “THE ONE”

Let’s talk about who the “right” person is for you.

The right person is not someone who was made for you as you are now. The right person is made for the best version of you. That’s certainly true in my case. My wife isn’t the best fit for who I was when we were friends, or maybe even who I am today. She’s the best fit for the person I’m grow­ing into. God promises that “he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion” (Philippians 1:6). My wife is a part of helping me become who God created me to be.

The reason you want to be very intentional about your “right person” is that if you marry, you’re doing a really ambi­tious thing. You are choosing to build something that has never been built before, all while taking fire from the Enemy. Who you are building with—who’s fighting next to you—is a pretty big deal.

The person God has for you may not be who you expect. God is going to build something through your marriage one day, and your union will benefit when you each bring different gifts and strengths to the rela­tionship.

The world will tell you to spend all your energy looking for the perfect partner, so we’re often just searching, searching, searching for the right person. Stop looking for the right per­son. Instead, become the right per­son.

You become the right person when you submit your life to God and look to Him to transform you. You become the right person as you grow in your relationship with God. You become the right person when you love and serve the people around you.

Becoming the right person—rather than putting all your energy into finding the right person—is a double blessing. Yes, it’s going to benefit your future marriage. But every single day between this moment and the day you walk down the aisle, you are going to benefit from becoming the per­son God made you to be.

You will only find the right person when you make it your mission to be the right person. You can trust that if you handle what God has called you to handle, He will take care of the rest.

How could you shift your energy from looking for the right person to becoming the right person?