Killing Comparison

Scripture: Proverbs 18:21

Insecurity is at epic levels around the world because many of us see other people’s success as our failure. But why is this? And how do we get free from it? Well, let’s start here. 

Have you ever considered the power of words? Have you ever considered how the words spoken over you have made you see yourself? In our focus scripture today, Proverbs 18:21, the Bible tells us that: 

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” 

The word translated power is the Hebrew word Yad, which means “hand.” This scripture, then, tells us that the tongue has the ability to create, shape, and mold, either, life or death in those it speaks over; just like a hand. Which brings me to you. 

The root of insecurity is found in the words of death, discouragement, and degradation that have been spoken over you. Words that have fractured your identity. It may have happened in your childhood, or it may have happened in adulthood, but regardless of when it happened the result is that you can’t see yourself clearly because the cracks those words created in your identity have distorted how you see yourself. 

I understand this very well because I grew up morbidly obese. For the majority of my childhood and young adulthood I was called fat, fatty, Ms. Piggy, and more, ultimately making me see myself as fat, ugly, and unattractive. In 9th grade a boy told me, “with a body like that, you’re not good for anything except sex with the lights off.” Everyone busted out laughing… while my heart shattered. His hurtful, deadly words slammed against the many cracks people’s hurtful, deadly words created in the way I saw myself through the years, and the force of his words broke my heart in a million pieces. 

The words that are spoken over you matter. And killing comparison requires investigating the words that have been spoken over you that have been the hands that have molded, shaped, and crafted your identity. Before our next session, pray for God’s grace to help you repair the ground of your identity— ground that hurtful words have fractured. 

Words matter.

Scripture: 1 Samuel 14:6

Transparent moment. 

For much of my life I struggled with feeling left out, overlooked, and unwanted. This was the outgrowth of many things, including having my mother tell me she didn’t want me and not being chosen for teams in school due to being overweight and unwanted by my classmates. Well, in spring 2020, when the world was going into lockdown, the full-year of speaking engagements I had was wiped clear as events were cancelled. But, one day, I was on Instagram when I saw that a number of my friends had been invited to speak at a major women’s conference that went virtual. I knew the speakers, and I knew the host… but I wasn’t invited to speak. 

I started drowning in feelings of inadequacy as my mind flooded with questions like, “why wasn’t I invited?” “Why was I left out?” “Why wasn’t I good enough?” But in the midst of those questions, the Holy Spirit asked me a different question that forever changed the trajectory of my life and identity. He asked me, “why does it matter?”That simple question was so profound. It cut me to my heart. It forced me to confront what I believed about myself. And what I believed wasn’t pretty. 

Somehow, someway, somewhere along the line, I had started to secure my identity to the speaking invitations I received. Not being asked to speak simply uncovered this truth. I felt insecure because I had secured my identity to the insecure foundation of being invited. But in our focus verse today, we see how Jonathan secured his identity to the only secure foundation from which we can walk boldly in our purpose without comparison to anyone else. 

Unlike his father, King Saul, Jonathan didn’t see David as a threat because he was approved by the people. Instead, Jonathan loved and celebrated David. But how? Well, before David even steps onto the scene, we get a glimpse of the belief that anchored Jonathan’s identity in 1 Samuel 14:6: 

“Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, ‘Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.’” 

Jonathan fought Philistines on behalf of God, not because he was trying to impress people (there was no audience) and not because he was trying to make a name for himself (there was no audience). He went by himself because he trusted fully in God and believed that nothing could oppose his purpose in God. Not people’s approval. Not his status as future King. Nothing. And this is why, when your insecurity gets triggered from being left out or overlooked, instead of asking “why wasn’t I chosen” or “why does he always get it,” ask, “why does it matter.” 

Before our next session, get before God and pray for him to show you the root of your insecurity so you can build your identity on the secure foundation of who he says you are.

Scripture: Jeremiah 1:5

Our focus verse is one that gets said constantly, but I believe we constantly miss the profundity of what is being said. Walk with me for a moment. 

Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” 

This verse is often used to support the idea that life begins in the womb, but if you pay attention to it, it says something much deeper. It says, BEFORE, we were formed in the womb, God knew us. In other words, before the sperm even met the egg… before conception… God knew us. God set us apart before we were born. In other words, there was purpose on our identity before we were conceived. How incredible is that?! 

But, despite this miraculous wonder of truth, many of us are born originals and spend our lives as duplicates because of toxic comparison. I’m no exception. I spent many years chasing duplication because of toxic comparison, so much so that I spent a hefty sum of money on a surgical procedure to get a booty. Yep, you read that right. As a black woman, my flat backside was often the source of ridicule and jokes growing up, so when I got old enough and financially stable enough to afford it, I decided to fix the problem surgically. But there was one big problem. 

While on the flight to Los Angeles to get the procedure done, I heard the Lord say, “Nona, if I wanted you to have a booty, I would have given you one. I didn’t give it to you to keep you humble.” Since I know the voice of God, I should have parachuted out of the plane right then and there. Instead, I told God, “Lord, I’ll be humble… with a booty.” Fast forward six months after spending enough money to buy a car and… my new booty dissolved on me. After getting back to my rigorous fitness routine, I burned all of the fat that had been transferred to my butt. 

Although I can laugh about it now, looking back on it, I can see how toxic comparison’s power infected my heart. It made me believe that, if I achieved a certain physical appearance, I would finally be beautiful. But here’s the thing; perfection isn’t in the eye of the beholder; perfection is in the eye of the Creator. God had designed me perfectly for the purpose he had for me. Flat booty and all! And the same goes for you. Even your flaws and imperfections serve a purpose in God’s hands. And this is why killing comparison requires learning to see our deficiencies as intentional gifts from God.

Before our next session, pray for God to help you see yourself the way he sees you. Perfect.

Scripture: Matthew 7:12

We have spent the last few days exploring the origins and outcomes of toxic comparison in our lives. Today and tomorrow I want to focus our attention on how to harness the power of healthy comparison so we can kill toxic comparison in our lives. 

Our focus verse is an important call to action, saying in Matthew 7:12: 

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

When our insecurity gets triggered, we feel left out, overlooked, less than, and discouraged. But, what if we turned those feelings on their head to commit ourselves to making sure others don’t feel that way because of our actions? What if we made an intentional effort to include, celebrate, encourage, and affirm people when we’re feeling left out, overlooked, discouraged, and not good enough? This is what our verse is leading us to do because killing comparison requires being for others what we wish others would be for us.

Case in point. I received an email inviting me to a gathering for influencers—people who are considered leaders in their various fields of endeavor (business, media, music, ministry, etc.). I was honored to get the invitation, but when I checked the list of invitees… my name wasn’t on it. And I immediately felt my insecurity get triggered. It felt like an emotional ice pick stabbed my heart as I read the names of people I admired, only to realize I wasn’t listed with them. 

But, instead of descending into self-loathing, this verse began to resonate in my spirit as I heard the Lord say, “Nona, you may not be on the list but you were on the host’s heart.” I reviewed the list again and noticed a number of other influential people missing, so I asked the host if I could invite them, and they said, “sure!” I reached out to the missing people and invited them, so they could enjoy the gathering too, and as it turned out, I ended up being unable to attend due to a conflict! 

God used that situation to heal my heart and to help me experience the freedom of living beyond the reach of toxic comparison. Instead of focusing on being left off a list, getting people added to the list by noticing who else was missing empowered me because I treated others the way I wanted to be treated. And killing comparison requires treating people the way you would like to be treated. 

Included. Valued. Worthy.

Scripture: 1 Samuel 18:4

When I was on my journey to getting free from toxic comparison, God drew my attention to the life of Jonathan, King Saul’s son and David’s best friend, as a case study in healthy identity. I had honestly never studied him in any deep way; I saw him as a supporting character in the story of David, but not as someone to learn from. Yet, the more I studied the story of Saul and David, I realized that the real hero of the story was Jonathan. Here’s why. 

Our focus verse 1 Samuel 18:4 says: 

“Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.”

Although Saul gets the headlines for acting out and behaving poorly from the belief that David was a threat to his kingdom, the truth is that David wasn’t a threat to Saulbecause Saul was already King. In truth, David was a threat to Jonathan because, if the people wanted David to be king, it would have been after Saul died. Yet, look at how Jonathan responds to David returning from battle victorious. Instead of feeling threatened by David’s success, he celebrated David’s success. He gave David his royal robe and weapons. And this is the key to living free from comparison. 

Killing toxic comparison requires celebrating others. You aren’t in competition with someone you are rooting to win! You aren’t threatened by someone you are celebrating. And this is why Jonathan was able to live with joy and peace as the people celebrated David. Jonathan didn’t secure his identity to being the future king. He secured his identity to being who God said he was at that moment. And, at that moment, he was the son of the King. He was a servant of God. And he was David’s friend. 

Jonathan knew a truth that many of us forget. No man or woman is a threat to the purpose God has placed within you. You don’t have to measure yourself against someone else because there is no comparison. Their purpose is unique. God doesn’t create duplicates or extras, so stand firm in who you are and reject the lie that you aren’t good enough. It’s time to live free from comparison!