In Unison

Scriptures: Romans 3:23, Jeremiah 29:11-13, Deuteronomy 7:9

Jeremy

When I first started seeing Adrienne, I felt guilty about having feelings for her. It had been a hard season of life after the passing of my first wife, Melissa. I knew I’d have to decide whether to continue pursuing her, and I was leaning toward breaking up with her.

I took Adrienne to an Applebee’s. Tensely, we sat down and ordered our food. I blurted, “Do you think you could marry me?”

Without hesitation, she said, “Yes!”

We weren’t officially engaged, but our conversation had set the tone for our relationship. We were committed to building something with the intention of marriage. Our friendship deepened. I still battled guilt from time to time, but the Lord spoke to me and said, “If I’m giving you a blessing, you can receive it with joy.” Our situation was delicate, but we were excited about what God had for us as we drew nearer to entering the covenant of marriage.

There is a big difference between a contract and a covenant, as this partial list from UpCounsel shows:

• While a contract is legally binding, a covenant is a spiritual agreement.

• You seal a covenant while you sign a contract.

• A contract exchanges goods, while a covenant is giving oneself to the other.

• You can opt out of a contract, while a covenant is about having the strength to hold up your promise.

In the New Testament, God’s relationship with us is described as a marriage covenant. God loves and pursues His church, the bride, based on who He is and not our faithfulness, for we know we have fallen short (Romans 3:23). God the Father loved us first and sealed us with the promise of His Spirit, through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus.

He is a covenantal God, not contractual. He has given His unending love to us freely and unreservedly, even though we did not choose Him. There are many people who know the Holy Spirit was wooing them before they committed to following Him. Jesus has an unquenchable love for His church. He pursues her passionately and fiercely.

God’s covenanted love is outside time. It transcends boundaries, cultures, hurts, dysfunctions, pain, and scars. This is also the type of supernatural love offered to us for our marriages. When we get married, we make a beautiful covenant with each other before God. As husband and wife become one, each promises to remain committed to the other regardless of circumstances. Such unconditional love is not possible in human hearts, so God—who has never broken a covenant—is the best one to hold the couple together.

Scriptures: James 4:1-2, 1 Peter 3:9, 1 Peter 3:8-9

Adrienne

Before Jeremy and I got married, my dad gave me some marriage advice, which included a pep talk about giving my soon-to-be husband space. Of course, I wrote this off, thinking he clearly didn’t know Jeremy very well.

However, I soon found myself learning that lesson the hard way. As soon as there was any type of conflict between us, I wanted to talk it through immediately, while Jeremy needed room to process. When this happened, I’d feel hurt and rejected, and try to force the issue. It took an argument that ended in him storming into the cold January night in flip flops for me to take my dad’s words to heart. 

Early in our marriage, we realized we had the capacity to pull either the best out of each other or the worst. As we grew in our friendship and love, we realized how vulnerable we were to each other. We saw each other’s worst, but we also got to see the best.

Deal with your issues. Talk about them. But be aware that timing for good, productive conversations is key. Allow each other room to calm down, and while you’re waiting, pray. Pray for each other, inviting Jesus into the middle of it all. Jesus is watching, and I’m pretty sure He would rather be giving you supernatural love and forgiveness, than see you continue to tear each other apart.

Have you ever thought about what Jesus thinks conflict should look like? If we note how He acted while on earth, we’ll see that He confronted people in their sin, pushed back on their ideas, challenged the cultural norm, and spoke truth with boldness, yet in love and respect. Ultimately, when He challenged someone or brought something to the table, it was for the hearer’s growth so they could take a step closer to understanding God.

James 4:1-2 says, “Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it” (MSG). I’m sure Jeremy and I are not the only ones whose bad arguments reek of selfishness and pride. But try arguing with someone who is walking in humility. Try arguing with someone who is quickly willing to own their wrongs. The argument doesn’t go very far.

Scriptures: Matthew 14:17-20, Matthew 6:9, Psalms 22:5,

Jeremy

I heard a story about a girl whose family was experiencing serious difficulties. Her father prayed to God for help. She noticed a sign in her parents’ bedroom that read “Prayer changes things.” As she heard her father praying with increasing intensity, she wondered, does prayer really change things? The trouble they faced became a crisis. Her father said nothing, but the next morning, the daughter noticed the sign had been altered. It now read, “Prayer changes me.”

We often talk to our kids about how prayer isn’t just dumping everything you want on Jesus and signing out. Prayer is meant to change us. It’s meant to nourish our souls. It’s meant for us to commune with the Lord so He can leave His divine imprint on us.

There may be times when your circumstances change through prayer, but not always. When you find yourself wondering why your surroundings are the same after much prayer, ask if the Lord needs to refine your heart.

Oftentimes, there are areas of our flesh that need to be starved. This starvation of our flesh isn’t just about the death itself, but about the life that emerges after we have relinquished everything. If Jesus had never defeated death by His resurrection, we wouldn’t have the hope and power of the gospel message; He would simply have been a phenomenal man. Our lives need to reflect the resurrection power, which is essentially the crux of the gospel.

It may be hard to imagine what it looks like for our marriages to be filled with resurrected power and supernatural love found in the nature of Jesus when we have little to no love left for each other. But through prayer, God can fill our hearts—so hardened by unforgiveness or hurt—with overflowing affection and desire. He breathes healing life into us, our walls come down, and the hardness melts away, giving us the grace to walk through difficult times together. Now we see why the need of Him should be what binds and weaves us together. We walk in the supernatural abilities of Jesus.

Jesus is the king of taking your scraps—five loaves and two fish (see Matthew 14:17-20)—and doing something supernatural with whatever you bring Him. Don’t scoff at what you’re holding out to Him; just bring it all. Be amazed at His character. There is no other God like Him. He really does receive the offerings of your broken things and then turn them into something beautiful. Of course, He is worthy of more than just your brokenness, but He will never turn you away. 

Scriptures: Deuteronomy 6:5-9, 2 Timothy 3:16, Hebrews 4:12, 1 Corinthians 13:4

Adrienne

Years ago, I was reading through the Old Testament when I came to this passage in Deuteronomy 6:

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (verses 5-9, NIV)

I was struck by how practical this instruction was—especially the part about writing our love for God on the doorframes of our houses. From then on, I became more intentional about displaying décor and paintings in our style that had Scripture on them. I can’t tell you how many times a passage hanging on my wall has hit the bull’s-eye of my heart because it is pertinent to my situation. Scripture truly is God-breathed, living, and active (2 Timothy 3:16; Hebrews 4:12).

Recently, I bought a Magnolia-style hanging of 1 Corinthians 13 for our bathroom wall as a checklist. I wanted to ask myself, am I being any of these things? Coincidentally, a few days later Jeremy was being short-tempered. As we enjoyed a family supper around the dinner table, discussing ways God speaks to us and if there was anything anyone wanted to share, Jeremy confessed to me and the kids that the verse had caught his eye. The Lord had used it to show him he was not loving me well.

I had hoped these verses would be an encouragement, but I didn’t know anyone else in the house had noticed them. Without a word from my mouth, my husband heard from the Lord. I had certainly noticed his snappiness with me, but I didn’t have to nag him or point it out. The Holy Spirit revealed it to him for me.

God truly is our best defense and shield. He is the safest place we can run to, and His Word can be trusted. The Holy Spirit is so much better than we are at doing a work in someone or creating a lasting change in them. The sooner we realize that God is the source of everything we need, the better companions we can be to each other.

Scriptures: 1 John 3:16, Luke 9:23, Luke 23:26, Galatians 5:19-24, 2 Corinthians 5:15, Deuteronomy 31:8

Adrienne

I vividly remember the day Jeremy and I got married. There was no human on the planet to whom I felt closer, but little did I know we were practically strangers on our wedding day. Compared to how well we know each other now and the depth of friendship that exists between us, I realize the closeness I felt to Jeremy on our wedding day was only a shadow of what was to come. 

If we see our marriages as lifelong journeys in which we can grow and evolve, then I believe we will live each interval of life with a lot more grace and understanding. What are we sowing into our marriages today to make them last the next fifty-plus years? 

The only way to have a truly healthy marriage is to live in unison with Jesus. If we remain in Him, everything else in our lives will be permeated by the fullness of His life in us. If Jesus isn’t the focus and center of our lives, then someone or something else is.

Jesus made the process for following Him very clear: deny ourselves, pick up our crosses, and follow Him (Luke 9:23). Obviously, it is impossible to literally follow Him to crucifixion every day, carrying a cross on our backs as Simon of Cyrene did (Luke 23:26), so what did Jesus mean by these three instructions?

When the apostle Paul wrote to the Galatians, he explained that the actions of the “flesh”—the “self” Jesus told us to deny—are any behaviors, intentions, or attitudes that go against the desires of the Spirit (Galatians 5:19-24). It’s important that we prayerfully quiet ourselves before the Lord, hit the refresh button on the browsers of our hearts, and surrender all we do to Him daily. When we know the goodness of the Lord and the fullness of life found in Him, those daily sacrifices of our will become a joy to us. As we deny ourselves and follow Him, the Spirit fills us with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (verses 22-23).

When we find our identities in Jesus, we are no longer bound or burdened by anything else. Being a slave to Christ paradoxically brings the greatest amount of freedom. As we lose ourselves in Him, we will find a deeper sense of reason and purpose. 

Loneliness and painful burdens can exist on both sides of your wedding vows, but when you and your spouse tackle life as a team, there is a sense of community and the reassurance of having someone in your corner. We believe this indivisibility can only come when you’re first and foremost connected with the Father. Out of the overflow of your relationship with Him, you will be able to walk in unison with each other.