Ladies, everywhere we turn love songs and movies tell us to follow our heart. If that was such good advice, then why does love often hurt so much? The pain and confusion caused by emotional abuse, deceit, manipulation and control can be traumatizing. If you’ve suffered in destructive relationships, God longs to heal your heart. This plan will help you understand healthy ways to confront abuse and restore your confidence.
Christy Johnson
Day 1
Scriptures: Proverbs 11:9, Colossians 3:8, Proverbs 25:26
Have you ever been seduced by a manipulator? Tricked and deceived by flattery and charm only to later discover that the relationship was built on lies? It’s devastating when all of a sudden affirmation and attention turn into criticism, angry outbursts or silent treatment and other mind games.
When deceit, malicious behavior and abuse occur, reconciling your emotions with your new awareness of reality is difficult and painful.
What does God’s Word say about all of this? What does the Bible say about manipulation and emotional abuse?
So often when I want to find out what scripture says about a certain topic I do a word search in an online concordance. But neither the word manipulation or the phrase emotional abuse are not used in the Bible.
That happens a lot. When words that are common in our culture today are not in the Bible, it makes it more difficult to find out what God says about certain topics. While these subjects may not be in the Bible, scripture has much to say about control, deceit and evil agendas.
Think Jezebel. Everyone knows how evil she was. She was an original narcissist. A sweet-talking, love-bombing, gaslighter who probably set the idealization, devalue and discard merry-go-round in motion.
Bottom line. Manipulation and deceit…
are…
evil.
But here’s the deal—a Jezebel spirit loses its power when others are no longer willing to surrender and comply. In order for a Jezebel spirit to operate, there has to be an agreeable partner. Manipulators can only gain power by seducing the innocent to accomplish their agenda.
For Jezebel, that person was her husband, Ahab. And here’s where this whole puppet act gets tangled.
It’s easy to see that Jezebel was wicked. She was the evil one. She stirred Ahab up. She persuaded, provoked, enticed and seduced him. But Ahab didn’t confront Jezebel’s sin. He submitted to her domination and turned a blind eye.
Ahab was passive. Whether it was the fear of her disapproval or wrath or irresponsibility, his silence permitted Jezebel’s manipulation and control to continue.
Please hear me. I’m not trying to put a guilt trip on you. That’s not my intent at all. My hope is this: I want you to see your God-given rights and responsibilities to stand up to evil.
God cares deeply about you. He never intended for you to be seduced and mistreated by a romantic partner with a controlling agenda. He created you to be strong and courageous, full of confidence and joy. If you feel angry or distressed about a past or present relationship, there is hope. His wisdom can help you identify the lies you’ve believed about love and marriage and break the cycle of toxic love.
Day 2
Scriptures: Ephesians 5:21, Ephesians 5:28, Matthew 18:15, Galatians 1:10, Hebrews 10:35
If you feel trapped by control and deceit, it’s time to take back your confidence. Maybe you’ve misunderstood scriptures about submission. Maybe you’ve thought that it’s wrong to confront your husband or partner. That if love covers a multitude of sins that you should be silent, forgive and pray.
Submission is actually a two-way street. In a covenant relationship, we submit one to another. Not only does scripture advise women to submit to their husband, but the husband is also instructed to submit to his wife. But never does submission require us to surrender to evil behavior. In fact, the Bible has instructions for confronting sin. Matthew tells us that if we see our brother or sister in sin that we should point out their fault, just between the two of us. If they listen, we’ve won them over.
So let me ask you this. Is your husband or future husband considered a brother in the Lord? If so, I hope you see that the Bible gives clear instruction for addressing sin. You don’t have to be subservient to evil behavior just because a covenant or promise of marriage exists.
Nothing changes when we continue to ignore sin because we’re afraid of confrontation. When we fail to address evil behavior, we send the message that we’ll continue to tolerate it. Silence is a form of acceptance.
Nonetheless, confrontation can be scary. Maybe you fear his disapproval and want to keep the peace. Maybe you hope he’ll change. Or maybe you’ve been intimidated by his aggression and learned to shove it under the rug because he talks over you, uses sarcasm or dismisses your opinion. When we tolerate destructive behaviors, not only do we put our emotional health in jeopardy, we also deprive our relationship of the opportunity for growth and healing.
If you’ve failed to address manipulation and control you can learn healthy ways to change your responses and confront the abuse with dignity and respect. Can I challenge you to look at confrontation from a different perspective? Confrontation is scriptural. It’s an act of kindness because we care enough to encourage someone to remove sin from their lives.
Confrontation doesn’t have to be aggressive, but it does need to be assertive. Keeping the peace is a temporary solution at best with no long term benefits. When we deny, ignore, minimize or suppress emotional abuse, we stand the risk of giving the devil a foothold. Unmet expectations turn into resentment. Unresolved discouragement turns into anger and bitterness and little by little destroy our soul health. Jesus, however, called us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers. Peacemakers confront. They’re not aren’t afraid of disrupting temporary peace in favor of a long term solution.
Day 3
Scriptures: Ephesians 5:6, 2 Timothy 3:2-6, Hebrews 10:35, Ephesians 5:11
When it comes to destructive relationships, have you ever criticized yourself and thought, “I should have known better”? “Why didn’t I see that coming? Or “Why did I put up with his control, manipulation, addiction, abuse, adultery, or _______ (you fill in the blank)?”
Sometimes, our tolerance for emotional abuse or evil behavior is the result of misinterpreted scripture. When we don’t know and understand what God‘s Word says about confrontation and conflict resolution, we make ourselves vulnerable to control and manipulation. Have you trusted too soon? Failed to examine character? Did you fear that you were being judgmental so you believed his promises and ignored his performance? Did you give him chance after chance hoping he’d change this time only to discover that his apology was nothing more than smooth talk?
Scripture warns us not to let anyone deceive us with empty words. For a long time I thought that this verse only referred to deception regarding spiritual teaching, but what about the charming words manipulative men use to gain control? What about the empty words narcissistic men make hoping to convince their partner that they’re sorry for their actions and yet bear no fruit in keeping with repentance? Or how about when controlling men use scripture to manipulate or oppress?
Paul tell us not to be partners with them…to have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
Often women ignore or minimize their spouse or partner’s behavior hoping it will go away. Or they keep silent because they fear his wrath. Many of the women I coach have misunderstood the concept of submission and thought it meant they had no voice. No opinion. No right to confront. Instead, they’ve learned to:
• Go out of their way to make him happy
• Suppress their feelings and bury their anger
• Take the blame when something goes wrong
• Be peacekeepers instead of peacemakers
• Give up their identity for his approval
• Be overly concerned about what he thinks
• Agree with their partner (even if they don’t) as long as it keeps the peace
• Abuse mercy by overlooking too much
• Avoid confrontation
• Deny reality
• Cover up evil
Submission is a concept that has often been twisted to create control. Timothy talks about men who have a form of godliness but deny its power. He says this in chapter 3 verse 6: “They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women.” Women are trained by these manipulative partners to think that submission denies them the right to confront evil behavior.
If you’ve lost your voice, I have good news. With the help of God’s truth, you can get it back!
Day 4
Scriptures: 1 Samuel 25:3, Proverbs 31:30, Proverbs 16:2
Submission is intended to produce a climate of trust and intimacy between a husband and wife, and yet this topic causes tremendous confusion in relationships where it is abused by manipulative partners and spouses. I hope I can clarify some of the misunderstanding.
Most Christian women are familiar with the scripture that says submit to your husbands in everything. Everything? Even Evil behavior? Even abuse? Even sarcasm and name-calling? Even fits of rage? What about deceitfulness and gaslighting?
I don’t think so. But women that fear the Lord and want to honor His Word often struggle with the concept of submission. Is it wrong to call out evil behavior? Is it wrong to confront? Are we supposed to surrender to evil just because we’ve entered a covenant of marriage?
Let’s take a look at a couple of women in the Bible and see how they responded to evil behavior.
Abigail was married to Nabal, a man that she referred to as a fool. God didn’t strike her dead for reporting what she saw evidenced by his actions. When David requested food for his men and Nabal refused, Abigail went behind her husband’s back and provided the resources David needed for his men. She may have honored her husband, but she feared God more. She didn’t submit to her husband in everything.
The Bible calls her righteous.
And what about Esther? The king didn’t request for her presence. His previous wife was dethroned for not parading in front of his buddies. And yet she went against his command and approached his throne, even though the consequences could be deadly.
The Bible called Esther noble.
Exodus chapter 1 tells the story of a new king in Egypt who feared the growing numbers of the Israelites. He told the Hebrew midwives, “When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a boy, kill him..”
The Hebrew midwives, however, disobeyed the king’s orders. When confronted, they told a lie and said, “Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive.”
God was kind to the midwives and blessed them. They lied and got a blessing? Yes! They disobeyed a command, and yet their lie produced a blessing.
Women that confronted evil were called righteous, noble and blessed.
Please hear me on this. I’m not endorsing sin. But It’s clear from these examples that God is more interested in your safety and security than He is about you following a strict black-and-white set of rules and regulations. I also believe it’s because He knows the motive of your heart.
There is so much more that the Bible has to say about the misuse of power in relationships. Proverbs 11:9 says that with their words the godless destroy their friends. It’s true. Words do hurt, but I love that the second half of this verse comes with a promise: knowledge will rescue the righteous! Dear sister, His truth is powerful. He longs to bind up your wounds, heal your heart and set you free.